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I hate Myself

Forums General Melanoma Community I hate Myself

  • Post
    MelanomaMike
    Participant
      Hi guys, its taking me a few hours to muster up the “courage” to write but, i folded on the surgery, i panicked, anxiety kicked in and i froze..I dont know if i mentioned but i have SEVERE Claustrophobia and doing scans (except simple CT’s) are near impossible (Adavans dont work anymore). I believe over the course of all these years its manifested into the whole 9 yards of surgery..one things for sure, im tired of getting cut open, ya its keeping me alive but, anxiety & the will to live are neck and neck..
      The Surgery is rescheduled for Dec 17th, i realized i messed up, and i made alotta folks unhappy…im just tired of this shit, every year & a half since 2008 im gettin cut open..but anyways, enuff, its rescheduled..love ya guys…
    Viewing 20 reply threads
    • Replies
        ed williams
        Participant

          Hi Mike, when did wanting to keep all your body parts become a bad thing!!! Melanoma likes to "F" with the best of us and not wanting them to take out part of your lung today is no big deal. I have a few parts that I wish were still there!!! As long as you don't let them remove your sense of humour, things have a way of working out in the long run!!! Ed

            MelanomaMike
            Participant
              Thanx Ed, i just feel ef’ed up and i hate myself for it, but, i have another date set, one last ditch effort before Kaiser probably gives me the boot! Haha..
            jbronicki
            Participant
              Hey Mike, you don’t have to apologize to anyone for anything. Sorry that you have to make such hard decisions with this stupid disease. My husband has severe claustrophobia as well and large doses of Ativan did nothing for him, tried to do brain MRI twice, couldn’t do it. I joked with him that it’s unfair to waste such good anxiety meds on him! I was at MDAnderson today and wrote your name on one of the prayer cards in the chapel, I’m sure it will still be goodfor December or whenever you decide. Try to relax tonight.
              MovingOn
              Participant

                Just do what I did… panic on the way in. Write on your own chest, “I am mean after surgery.” Then when you wake up immediately say, “show me your tits” to anyone nearby. They will put you back to sleep and the next time you wake up you will be in a private room.

                  MelanomaMike
                  Participant
                    Hahahahahahahahaha!! Hahaha!!(cough)
                    That was good,i may try that..thanx for the laugh, i needed it…
                  MarkR
                  Participant

                    It’s completely understandable- it’s a big deal what you were planning to have done and it takes a lot of guts to go through with it.  If it wasn’t right for you then only you can make those decisions.  

                    I’m glad you have it Re-booked and hopefully they can help you with anxiety next time

                    keep smiling

                    mark 

                    MelanomaMike
                    Participant
                      Thank you guys, i needed the Cheering up, i know this is life or death but man, im just tired of all this…ill talk 2 ya all soon…
                      MamaMesse
                      Participant

                        Hi Mike!  This is literally my FIRST post here. I’ve been a lurker for a couple of months now, but I really wanted to reach out to you. I don’t have any words of wisdom, because I haven’t gone through what you have, but I do want to tell you that it’s ok that you backed out, and it’s ok if you upset people. They will get over it. You are always so encouraging and lighthearted with everyone on this board. I can tell (from my awesome lurking skills) that you make a big difference in this world every day through your messages to the other amazing people on this forum, and you also make a difference to me, and probably all the other lurkers who haven’t come forward yet ;).  So I’m sending a big ol’ virtual hug to you through this thing. And you can just try again on the 17th. I’ll be rooting for you. 🙂

                        Bubbles
                        Participant

                          Oh, Mike!  Don't 'hate' yourself!  HATE melanoma!!!  I hear you.  I feel you.  And, though I don't think you're there yet on a personal level, sometimes…enough is enough…and that's okay too!  I'm weird and tend to do better with my surgeries than treatments that are a big "IF" that make you miserable for days, months, years, who knows!!  Much to my husband's dismay I almost refused to make the first trip to Tampa for my trial (on CHRISTMAS DAY, no less!!!) years ago because of that.  In alarm and distress, he cried, "You go into surgery like it's nothing, and this…this…you don't want to do???!!!!"  So…we've all got our "thang"!!!  My granny had a book titled, "I'm Okay, You're Okay" on her book shelf when I was a kid.  Some sort of self-help book back in the day, that I never read.  But….I liked and have always remembered the title.  So let's roll with that!  I'm okay.  You're okay.  And melanoma sucks great big green stinky hairy wizard balls!!!  You'll be ready in December.  And we are here for you no matter what.  love, c

                          tedtell1
                          Participant

                            Mike;

                            I am glad you posted and glad so many have responded. Please make sure that you take care of all of your health needs. We all know that as we suffer from this awful disease, our minds and spirits suffer as much as our bodies. The roller coaster ride that comes with being a cancer patient is awful, and creates a lot of highs and lows. Please seek help from a pastor/counselor/mental health professional if you feel you need it. You wouldn't treat your cancer on your own, so don't treat your spiritual/mental health needs on your own, get help if you need it! We love you and your positive and upbeat posts to so many others who are hurting. Please take care of Mike! 

                            Love you man,

                            Ted

                            KellyH
                            Participant

                              Mike,

                              Do not beat yourself up over this…this is the scariest road I have ever been down…and I am not the patient so I really can’t imagine how difficult this is for all of you that are.   No one wants to have surgery and anxiety can be really strong and powerful….and unfortunately anxiety and cancer go hand and hand. The fear of the unknown is sometimes more than we can bear. 

                              I have spent the last 9 months crying at least once everyday, Trying to just be strong for my son and make all the right decisions. Some days it is easier said then done. Yesterday was just not your day.  

                              You will find the strength…you show it to us everyday with all the love and support you show to everyone on this board…you are a survivor and an inspiration to so many. 

                              Hang in there and keep fighting!!! 

                              Kelly 🙂

                               

                              mandyjill
                              Participant

                                It's your body and your health.  You have nothing to apologize to anyone for.  Only you know what you are going through.  I hate this damn disease!

                                  HeidiZ
                                  Participant

                                    Hi Mike,  I don't blame you for bailing, my anxiety would have been through the roof as well.  Maybe they can find some other more potent type of medication besides Adavan before the surgery?  We can only do what we can do. Sending hugs to your way. All the best to you.  Heidi

                                  smiller
                                  Participant

                                      I too have severe anxiety and had to have an MRI yesterday (not melanoma related). I was given valium and made it through,  

                                     I am in awe of all the people on this board and their daily struggles with this awful disease.  My husband is now having extensive dental work done on top of his melanoma. 

                                    Hang in ther Mike!  Thank you for all the comfort you bring to others!

                                    Jim's wife

                                    smiller
                                    Participant

                                        I too have severe anxiety and had to have an MRI yesterday (not melanoma related). I was given valium and made it through,  

                                       I am in awe of all the people on this board and their daily struggles with this awful disease.  My husband is now having extensive dental work done on top of his melanoma. 

                                      Hang in ther Mike!  Thank you for all the comfort you bring to others!

                                      Jim's wife

                                      VinceMart
                                      Participant

                                        Hey Mike,

                                        I think we all lose it sometimes, but hey-you rescheduled it!  I saw a saying the other day "When life knocks you down, stand the heck up and say: "You hit like a little girl" You can do this!  You just needed to regroup, I am pulling for you! 

                                        Vince

                                        bjeans
                                        Participant

                                          Mike! You have nothing to be ashamed of, no reason to apologize, and I just wish I could wave a magic wand and get you through it. In fact if you PM my your address I promise to send you one.

                                          I was at the eye doctor’s today making sure one of my retinas wanted to stay put, and was apologizing for being nervous about getting my eyes messed with. The office manager told me how some patients have passed out getting their eyes dilated. They’ve even had to call an ambulance when a patient didn’t wake back up right away. 

                                          So like Celeste said, people have their stuff! I certainly do about some medical procedures that are a walk in the park with rainbows and kittens compared to what you and others here go through. Or as my husband has said about his treatment, better him than me. 

                                          The only thing I’d add is that once I needed a surgery and was going to cancel due to sheer terror, especially of the prep – like trying to find a vein (always awful), being put to sleep, etc. So I visited a hypnotist. He said that as suggestible as I was in a bad way, working myself up into a spinning, frenzied fear machine, I most likely could be as suggestible in a good way – flip side of the same coin. He was right; we had two sessions and I was taught how to give myself certain suggestions with (in my case) a visual component. It was astonishingly helpful and I do it when thinking – or reading – about something makes me anxious.

                                           Of course the fear and anxiety still hits. But now there’s a way to lower it to a manageable scale. 

                                          This isn’t necessarily the answer for everyone; YMMV. 

                                          Beth

                                          Coragirl
                                          Participant

                                            Hi Mike, please don't hate yourself. Anxiety gets the best of me all the time! I'm thinking of you and praying for your peace of mind.

                                            WithinMySkin
                                            Participant

                                              Don't beat yourself up, MIke. This journey is so damn difficult. We all have our days, and I'm sure no one involved (docs, fam, etc) is as mad as you are right now. I think everyone with Melanoma feels like swiss cheese some days and we have the physical and mental scars to prove it.

                                              Only a medical professional can help with the claustrophobia, but you can help yourself with some of the anxiety. Ever since my diagnosis, I've read books by people like Tony Robbins and Thich Nhat Hanh to help me overcome my anxiety. I used to get wound up like a rubber band and snap when it was too much. Now, I can calm myself to 'normal' anxiety levels before it gets totally out of control. Reading help books, yoga/meditiation, and journaling have all been tremendous helps for me. How you talk to yourself in your head matters more than what's going on around you.

                                              Anesthesia also has some pretty darn good anti-anxiety meds they can give you before next time, too! Make sure to ask for them – they hand them out like candy 🙂

                                              Health and happiness,

                                              Lauren

                                              GeoTony
                                              Participant

                                                I'm late to the party, but as everybody is saying don't beat yourself up, we all have good and bad days, this is not a walk in the park, my nightmare is needles, I've been known to turn white, sweat and pass out before now, I like Lauren's suggestion, ask for the anesthetist's candy, we're all rooting for you.

                                                Scooby123
                                                Participant
                                                  Oh Mike am sorry hun, don’t worry you have another date and hope you get support at the hospital knowing how you feel . Deep breath and you will soon have this over with. Sending hugs.

                                                  Scooby❤

                                                    vivian
                                                    Participant

                                                      Hey Mike!

                                                      i have thought so many times of replying to your always awesome posts.  Just want you to know that although I have had numerous pieces of melanoma cut out (including two lung resections) and CyberKnifed AND a bone marrow transplant for a different cancer,  I recently just could not make myself drink that awful crap for my routine colonoscopy and had to cancel.  Seems crazy – right?  Especially since my mom died of colon cancer and I have drunk tons of barium for melanoma scans over the last 8 years.  I just didn’t have the bandwidth to face it at the time and actually cut myself a break.  You should too!  This is a long and difficult journey, and nobody should have to be brave all the time.  I will be holding you in the light when you do have that lung thing removed,

                                                      Lear

                                                    lkb
                                                    Participant

                                                      Hey, please don’t hate our Mike! We love that guy. Several docs have referred to me as anxious. Is that because I ask questions (I arrive with a list, every appt. Please laugh.)? Or am I truly anxious and too stupid to know it? Like some of the others here, I’m greatly helped by meditation. And drugs. Can you ask the doc to give you something [else] for a few days before the surgery? Also, I find that if the right recorded voice (I.e. Headspace) tells me to relax, I can often do so. I initially noped a surgery just last August and understand how it feels. Had the surgery when I was ready. As someone else here said, we’re here with you no matter what.

                                                      happyfeet123
                                                      Participant

                                                        Hi Mike:

                                                        I think it takes guts to admit you didn't have the surgery because of your anxiety.  No one thinks any less of you, probably more.  This is part of the disease that is much harder to deal with then the physical part.  It's hard to turn those feelings off and a dose of keytruda/nivo isn't going to cure it.  Thanks for keeping it real and letting others know we all have these feelings.  It is part of the process of what we deal with.  Some days will be good, others not, and some days just suck!!!!!!   Keep posting and encouraging all of us.  

                                                        Happyfeet123!

                                                         

                                                         

                                                        Momofjake
                                                        Participant

                                                          Hey Mike,

                                                          i just wanted you to know that only you peeps trying to cope with impossible choices and years of trauma can know the anxieties you get. I know Jake has several now and last week he spent many hours a day with his heart racing like crazy!!! He was stressed about stuff! He has it over hospital foods and smells and we can’t ever mention the word nausea!!! He instantly feels sick. So so many things he tries to hide, or maybe he would say he now hates himself for them. He gets mad at me about melanoma too….not rational he knows, but rational flew out the window years ago! It’s okay! It’s actually normal. You’re stuff is super hard and you get passes on the stuff that is just too hard some days!

                                                          prayers always Mike! 

                                                          Kerri

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