The information on this site is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Content within the patient forum is user-generated and has not been reviewed by medical professionals. Other sections of the Melanoma Research Foundation website include information that has been reviewed by medical professionals as appropriate. All medical decisions should be made in consultation with your doctor or other qualified medical professional.

WLE on neck – Will i be able to ” hide” this from my children

Forums General Melanoma Community WLE on neck – Will i be able to ” hide” this from my children

  • Post
    tickyloo
    Participant
      Hello

      I am hoping someone can help me. I was recently diagnosed with two malignant melamomas one on my neck .4mm and one on my toe .25mm.

      After the biopsies it was a ok to tell my 6 & 8 yr old that Mummy fell ! and cut herself and that was ok but I am wondering if that will work with the WLE ?

      I am having them two weeks apart with the neck this Friday. My scar is a little over 12mm in an oval shape and the dr explained the margins but not much else (other than it will take around 30 mins  ) Can I get away with this do you think ? Will a band aid cover it ?

      I cant seem to find anything visual about WLEs ( other than REALLY scary stuff ) to guage it on ?

      Its a school holiday on the day of the neck one so Im trying to figure out if my kids should wait with my husband and see me come out or I go by myself.

      Input VERY much appreciated on this please

    Viewing 26 reply threads
    • Replies
        jmmm
        Participant

          I can't give you any advice on what a WLE will looks like, but my kids were 7, 8, and 10 when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma.  We tried to hide it from them at first and quickly realized that didn't work.  Being honest with kids is usually the best policy.  You'd be amazed at what they can handle.  You'd also be amazed at what great advocates they can be for sun safety.  People listen to them when they tell others to wear sunscreen and hats, so they don't get cancer like their dad.

          jmmm
          Participant

            I can't give you any advice on what a WLE will looks like, but my kids were 7, 8, and 10 when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma.  We tried to hide it from them at first and quickly realized that didn't work.  Being honest with kids is usually the best policy.  You'd be amazed at what they can handle.  You'd also be amazed at what great advocates they can be for sun safety.  People listen to them when they tell others to wear sunscreen and hats, so they don't get cancer like their dad.

            jmmm
            Participant

              I can't give you any advice on what a WLE will looks like, but my kids were 7, 8, and 10 when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma.  We tried to hide it from them at first and quickly realized that didn't work.  Being honest with kids is usually the best policy.  You'd be amazed at what they can handle.  You'd also be amazed at what great advocates they can be for sun safety.  People listen to them when they tell others to wear sunscreen and hats, so they don't get cancer like their dad.

                tickyloo
                Participant

                  Thank you and I am sorry for all you have been through. As a mother as well as a wife I cant imagine the anguish this must cause you x

                  I am trying to avoid telling my children I am sick , because I am not, not compared to what some of the lovely people on here are going through. I was hoping I could get away with silly Mummy fell again. Hard to tell.

                   

                   

                  tickyloo
                  Participant

                    Thank you and I am sorry for all you have been through. As a mother as well as a wife I cant imagine the anguish this must cause you x

                    I am trying to avoid telling my children I am sick , because I am not, not compared to what some of the lovely people on here are going through. I was hoping I could get away with silly Mummy fell again. Hard to tell.

                     

                     

                    tickyloo
                    Participant

                      Thank you and I am sorry for all you have been through. As a mother as well as a wife I cant imagine the anguish this must cause you x

                      I am trying to avoid telling my children I am sick , because I am not, not compared to what some of the lovely people on here are going through. I was hoping I could get away with silly Mummy fell again. Hard to tell.

                       

                       

                    Socks
                    Participant

                      Not sure if this will help or not, but I just had my WLE last week (on the back of my head). I still have the bandage on. My melanoma was 8.4mm at time of initial diagnosis, and this is what I wound up with:

                      You can also see the neck bandages from my sentinel lymph node biopsies, but the big one on my head is the WLE one. That particular bandage is called a "bolster" (because it is a lot like a pillow) and I can't guarantee you'll end up with one, but I am thinking a band-aid might not be enough to try and hide it. The neck bandages I could take off after 24 hours, but the bolster is actually stapled on. I go back in the next week or so for a skin graft (after they get the results back from the WLE and SNB).

                      Ultimately, you're probably best off not hiding it from your kids? They maybe don't need to know the scary details but just that you're sick with something that requires surgery and being very careful about sun exposure going forward. But then I have cats, not kids, so I may not be the best opinion on the whole kids thing.

                        Socks
                        Participant
                          Socks
                          Participant
                            Socks
                            Participant
                              tickyloo
                              Participant

                                Thank you !! Very much both of you . I have a big dilema on what to tell them. they have lost loved ones from cancer and I dont want them to think of me as sick ( as i dont ) but I didnt want to walk out not prepared for what I look like .

                                 

                                Iby 8.4mm did you mean in circumferance of depth of melamoma?

                                 

                                That is kind of bigger than a band aid lol, not sure I will get away with this

                                tickyloo
                                Participant

                                  Thank you !! Very much both of you . I have a big dilema on what to tell them. they have lost loved ones from cancer and I dont want them to think of me as sick ( as i dont ) but I didnt want to walk out not prepared for what I look like .

                                   

                                  Iby 8.4mm did you mean in circumferance of depth of melamoma?

                                   

                                  That is kind of bigger than a band aid lol, not sure I will get away with this

                                  tickyloo
                                  Participant

                                    Thank you !! Very much both of you . I have a big dilema on what to tell them. they have lost loved ones from cancer and I dont want them to think of me as sick ( as i dont ) but I didnt want to walk out not prepared for what I look like .

                                     

                                    Iby 8.4mm did you mean in circumferance of depth of melamoma?

                                     

                                    That is kind of bigger than a band aid lol, not sure I will get away with this

                                    tickyloo
                                    Participant

                                      I have just read your profile – Im sorry my question seems so silly based on how you must be feeling. I am sorry if I didnt put that across. This my be a scary time for you and that also looks painful x

                                       

                                      Socks
                                      Participant

                                         No, no it's not silly at all! I wasn't even thinking about "circumference"; my brain just said "oh, I have a measurement in mm for mine" and ran with it.

                                        It is a bit painful, but mostly it just itches. And I have hydrocodone to help with the pain and a very supportive husband to fetch me chocolate :3

                                        Socks
                                        Participant

                                           No, no it's not silly at all! I wasn't even thinking about "circumference"; my brain just said "oh, I have a measurement in mm for mine" and ran with it.

                                          It is a bit painful, but mostly it just itches. And I have hydrocodone to help with the pain and a very supportive husband to fetch me chocolate :3

                                          Socks
                                          Participant

                                             No, no it's not silly at all! I wasn't even thinking about "circumference"; my brain just said "oh, I have a measurement in mm for mine" and ran with it.

                                            It is a bit painful, but mostly it just itches. And I have hydrocodone to help with the pain and a very supportive husband to fetch me chocolate :3

                                            tickyloo
                                            Participant

                                              I have just read your profile – Im sorry my question seems so silly based on how you must be feeling. I am sorry if I didnt put that across. This my be a scary time for you and that also looks painful x

                                               

                                              tickyloo
                                              Participant

                                                I have just read your profile – Im sorry my question seems so silly based on how you must be feeling. I am sorry if I didnt put that across. This my be a scary time for you and that also looks painful x

                                                 

                                                Socks
                                                Participant

                                                  It's the depth; no one ever gave me a circumferance that I recall.

                                                  It's possible yours won't be quite this large (I hope it's not; the bolster is annoying). You could always ask the surgeon if a band-aid'll cover it, but at a minimum, you'd probably need a gauze square, I would guess. It's a WIDE local excision for a reason, the surgeon told me. <_<

                                                  On the upside, if you still want to hide it, at least it's on your neck and it's winter (where I am anyway): turtlenecks and scarves, yay!

                                                  Socks
                                                  Participant

                                                    It's the depth; no one ever gave me a circumferance that I recall.

                                                    It's possible yours won't be quite this large (I hope it's not; the bolster is annoying). You could always ask the surgeon if a band-aid'll cover it, but at a minimum, you'd probably need a gauze square, I would guess. It's a WIDE local excision for a reason, the surgeon told me. <_<

                                                    On the upside, if you still want to hide it, at least it's on your neck and it's winter (where I am anyway): turtlenecks and scarves, yay!

                                                    tickyloo
                                                    Participant

                                                      Thank you . Message me if you ever want to chat .

                                                      tickyloo
                                                      Participant

                                                        Thank you . Message me if you ever want to chat .

                                                        tickyloo
                                                        Participant

                                                          Thank you . Message me if you ever want to chat .

                                                          Socks
                                                          Participant

                                                            It's the depth; no one ever gave me a circumferance that I recall.

                                                            It's possible yours won't be quite this large (I hope it's not; the bolster is annoying). You could always ask the surgeon if a band-aid'll cover it, but at a minimum, you'd probably need a gauze square, I would guess. It's a WIDE local excision for a reason, the surgeon told me. <_<

                                                            On the upside, if you still want to hide it, at least it's on your neck and it's winter (where I am anyway): turtlenecks and scarves, yay!

                                                          Socks
                                                          Participant

                                                            Not sure if this will help or not, but I just had my WLE last week (on the back of my head). I still have the bandage on. My melanoma was 8.4mm at time of initial diagnosis, and this is what I wound up with:

                                                            You can also see the neck bandages from my sentinel lymph node biopsies, but the big one on my head is the WLE one. That particular bandage is called a "bolster" (because it is a lot like a pillow) and I can't guarantee you'll end up with one, but I am thinking a band-aid might not be enough to try and hide it. The neck bandages I could take off after 24 hours, but the bolster is actually stapled on. I go back in the next week or so for a skin graft (after they get the results back from the WLE and SNB).

                                                            Ultimately, you're probably best off not hiding it from your kids? They maybe don't need to know the scary details but just that you're sick with something that requires surgery and being very careful about sun exposure going forward. But then I have cats, not kids, so I may not be the best opinion on the whole kids thing.

                                                            Socks
                                                            Participant

                                                              Not sure if this will help or not, but I just had my WLE last week (on the back of my head). I still have the bandage on. My melanoma was 8.4mm at time of initial diagnosis, and this is what I wound up with:

                                                              You can also see the neck bandages from my sentinel lymph node biopsies, but the big one on my head is the WLE one. That particular bandage is called a "bolster" (because it is a lot like a pillow) and I can't guarantee you'll end up with one, but I am thinking a band-aid might not be enough to try and hide it. The neck bandages I could take off after 24 hours, but the bolster is actually stapled on. I go back in the next week or so for a skin graft (after they get the results back from the WLE and SNB).

                                                              Ultimately, you're probably best off not hiding it from your kids? They maybe don't need to know the scary details but just that you're sick with something that requires surgery and being very careful about sun exposure going forward. But then I have cats, not kids, so I may not be the best opinion on the whole kids thing.

                                                              POW
                                                              Participant

                                                                I also have cats not kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt. However, I do know that it is best to tell children the truth about things in an age appropriate manner. You, as an adult, know that melanoma could possibly kill you in the end; your children do not know that and do not need to know that at this age.

                                                                What you could do that would be honest and helpful is to show them some moles and freckles on your and their bodies. Tell them that most of the time these just sit there and do nothing. But every once in a while a mole or freckle will start to grow. You have 2 that have started to grow, you don't want that, so you are going to have them removed. 

                                                                I think that will clearly explain to them what is happening to you without scaring them. It will also be an early learning moment for them about the need to watch moles and freckles and go to the doctor if they start to get larger.

                                                                POW
                                                                Participant

                                                                  I also have cats not kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt. However, I do know that it is best to tell children the truth about things in an age appropriate manner. You, as an adult, know that melanoma could possibly kill you in the end; your children do not know that and do not need to know that at this age.

                                                                  What you could do that would be honest and helpful is to show them some moles and freckles on your and their bodies. Tell them that most of the time these just sit there and do nothing. But every once in a while a mole or freckle will start to grow. You have 2 that have started to grow, you don't want that, so you are going to have them removed. 

                                                                  I think that will clearly explain to them what is happening to you without scaring them. It will also be an early learning moment for them about the need to watch moles and freckles and go to the doctor if they start to get larger.

                                                                  POW
                                                                  Participant

                                                                    I also have cats not kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt. However, I do know that it is best to tell children the truth about things in an age appropriate manner. You, as an adult, know that melanoma could possibly kill you in the end; your children do not know that and do not need to know that at this age.

                                                                    What you could do that would be honest and helpful is to show them some moles and freckles on your and their bodies. Tell them that most of the time these just sit there and do nothing. But every once in a while a mole or freckle will start to grow. You have 2 that have started to grow, you don't want that, so you are going to have them removed. 

                                                                    I think that will clearly explain to them what is happening to you without scaring them. It will also be an early learning moment for them about the need to watch moles and freckles and go to the doctor if they start to get larger.

                                                                      tickyloo
                                                                      Participant

                                                                        clearly a good cat Mum x

                                                                         

                                                                        tickyloo
                                                                        Participant

                                                                          clearly a good cat Mum x

                                                                           

                                                                          tickyloo
                                                                          Participant

                                                                            clearly a good cat Mum x

                                                                             

                                                                            Brent Morris
                                                                            Participant

                                                                              I agree that children need to know what is going on in an age appropriate manner. I would NOT relate this to any "moles or freckles" that the children themselves have at this age. It will produce unwarrented anxiety and shift the focus from the adult to the child.

                                                                              Brent Morris
                                                                              Participant

                                                                                I agree that children need to know what is going on in an age appropriate manner. I would NOT relate this to any "moles or freckles" that the children themselves have at this age. It will produce unwarrented anxiety and shift the focus from the adult to the child.

                                                                                tickyloo
                                                                                Participant

                                                                                  Excellent advice – thank you – its hard to stop and think what impact your words will have on a childs mind. Thank you

                                                                                  tickyloo
                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                    Excellent advice – thank you – its hard to stop and think what impact your words will have on a childs mind. Thank you

                                                                                    tickyloo
                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                      Excellent advice – thank you – its hard to stop and think what impact your words will have on a childs mind. Thank you

                                                                                      Brent Morris
                                                                                      Participant

                                                                                        I agree that children need to know what is going on in an age appropriate manner. I would NOT relate this to any "moles or freckles" that the children themselves have at this age. It will produce unwarrented anxiety and shift the focus from the adult to the child.

                                                                                      Janner
                                                                                      Participant

                                                                                        I've had 7 or 8 WLEs and have always gone alone to them.  It's hard to gauge the exact size of the lesion but it will be significantly larger than the biopsy.  They need to take 1cm margins on all aspects of the lesion.  And to close the defect, the ellipse must be a minimum of three times the width removed.  So minimum of 2cm x 6cm but it may be longer than that depending upon the anatomy and how tight the area is and how easy it is to close.  They will take all the depth down to the muscle. This is going to be hard to hide from your kids, so I think you should come up with a simple and true story.  No details, just something so you don't have to hide this.  They don't need gory details because your prognosis is very good.  But trying to hide this will be a mistake – first it won't be small and second, kids figure stuff out so it's better to address it from the start.

                                                                                          tickyloo
                                                                                          Participant

                                                                                            Thank you. This was a little bit of a wow moment for me. I tried to ' mark' on my neck 1 cm circle around the biopsy sight but I am not going to lie no way did I expect it to be that big…perhaps a good thing I asked , I think I may have been hysterical when I looked and its not exactly a place I can cover up 100% of the time around my children . I also didnt appreciate how deep it would go. This is very helpful ! I appreciate it

                                                                                            tickyloo
                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                              Thank you. This was a little bit of a wow moment for me. I tried to ' mark' on my neck 1 cm circle around the biopsy sight but I am not going to lie no way did I expect it to be that big…perhaps a good thing I asked , I think I may have been hysterical when I looked and its not exactly a place I can cover up 100% of the time around my children . I also didnt appreciate how deep it would go. This is very helpful ! I appreciate it

                                                                                              Janner
                                                                                              Participant

                                                                                                Remember, I described the size of the ellipse of tissue being removed.  They sew that together, usually in a straight line.  But even that depends on anatomy.  A WLE on my shoulder blade looks like >–<.  It would have been a very long wound but this style helped ease the edges together.  But you are right, it is better to be prepared and understand that a bandaid isn't going to cover it.  Hang in there!

                                                                                                Janner
                                                                                                Participant

                                                                                                  Remember, I described the size of the ellipse of tissue being removed.  They sew that together, usually in a straight line.  But even that depends on anatomy.  A WLE on my shoulder blade looks like >–<.  It would have been a very long wound but this style helped ease the edges together.  But you are right, it is better to be prepared and understand that a bandaid isn't going to cover it.  Hang in there!

                                                                                                  Janner
                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                    Remember, I described the size of the ellipse of tissue being removed.  They sew that together, usually in a straight line.  But even that depends on anatomy.  A WLE on my shoulder blade looks like >–<.  It would have been a very long wound but this style helped ease the edges together.  But you are right, it is better to be prepared and understand that a bandaid isn't going to cover it.  Hang in there!

                                                                                                    tickyloo
                                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                                      Thank you. This was a little bit of a wow moment for me. I tried to ' mark' on my neck 1 cm circle around the biopsy sight but I am not going to lie no way did I expect it to be that big…perhaps a good thing I asked , I think I may have been hysterical when I looked and its not exactly a place I can cover up 100% of the time around my children . I also didnt appreciate how deep it would go. This is very helpful ! I appreciate it

                                                                                                    Janner
                                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                                      I've had 7 or 8 WLEs and have always gone alone to them.  It's hard to gauge the exact size of the lesion but it will be significantly larger than the biopsy.  They need to take 1cm margins on all aspects of the lesion.  And to close the defect, the ellipse must be a minimum of three times the width removed.  So minimum of 2cm x 6cm but it may be longer than that depending upon the anatomy and how tight the area is and how easy it is to close.  They will take all the depth down to the muscle. This is going to be hard to hide from your kids, so I think you should come up with a simple and true story.  No details, just something so you don't have to hide this.  They don't need gory details because your prognosis is very good.  But trying to hide this will be a mistake – first it won't be small and second, kids figure stuff out so it's better to address it from the start.

                                                                                                      Janner
                                                                                                      Participant

                                                                                                        I've had 7 or 8 WLEs and have always gone alone to them.  It's hard to gauge the exact size of the lesion but it will be significantly larger than the biopsy.  They need to take 1cm margins on all aspects of the lesion.  And to close the defect, the ellipse must be a minimum of three times the width removed.  So minimum of 2cm x 6cm but it may be longer than that depending upon the anatomy and how tight the area is and how easy it is to close.  They will take all the depth down to the muscle. This is going to be hard to hide from your kids, so I think you should come up with a simple and true story.  No details, just something so you don't have to hide this.  They don't need gory details because your prognosis is very good.  But trying to hide this will be a mistake – first it won't be small and second, kids figure stuff out so it's better to address it from the start.

                                                                                                        Swanee
                                                                                                        Participant

                                                                                                          My heart goes out to you and I'm sending positive thoughts and heartfelt Mom suggestions.  I think you have already received amazing love and support from the posts here but I thought I might add one more thought for you to consider.  Being a Mom, I always found that my kids found comfort in taking care of me when I was not well or had surgery.  There is much therapy for ourselves when we take care of someone we love, even though we cannot control what their illness might be doing to them.  Don't try to spare your children from the truth but rather explain in an age appropriate way, what will be happening to you and how they can help with your recovery.  Children at this age have a heightened sense of worry and it will ease their spirit if they are actively taking care of you and it will amaze you to see their love and strength in action. Please keep us posted to your results and experience.  Wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery and comfort with your loved ones.

                                                                                                          Swanee 

                                                                                                            tickyloo
                                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                                              Thank you so much. You did make me think. I know my six year old daughter will love to take care of me so I can use that as a way of explaining to her. My son is eight and this will worry him. He is the kind of kid who took down the teacher in VPK when they had a tornado drill and they said he couldnt check on his little sister… I know he will worry so Its very useful to hear how other Mums handle things x

                                                                                                              tickyloo
                                                                                                              Participant

                                                                                                                Thank you so much. You did make me think. I know my six year old daughter will love to take care of me so I can use that as a way of explaining to her. My son is eight and this will worry him. He is the kind of kid who took down the teacher in VPK when they had a tornado drill and they said he couldnt check on his little sister… I know he will worry so Its very useful to hear how other Mums handle things x

                                                                                                                tickyloo
                                                                                                                Participant

                                                                                                                  Thank you so much. You did make me think. I know my six year old daughter will love to take care of me so I can use that as a way of explaining to her. My son is eight and this will worry him. He is the kind of kid who took down the teacher in VPK when they had a tornado drill and they said he couldnt check on his little sister… I know he will worry so Its very useful to hear how other Mums handle things x

                                                                                                                Swanee
                                                                                                                Participant

                                                                                                                  My heart goes out to you and I'm sending positive thoughts and heartfelt Mom suggestions.  I think you have already received amazing love and support from the posts here but I thought I might add one more thought for you to consider.  Being a Mom, I always found that my kids found comfort in taking care of me when I was not well or had surgery.  There is much therapy for ourselves when we take care of someone we love, even though we cannot control what their illness might be doing to them.  Don't try to spare your children from the truth but rather explain in an age appropriate way, what will be happening to you and how they can help with your recovery.  Children at this age have a heightened sense of worry and it will ease their spirit if they are actively taking care of you and it will amaze you to see their love and strength in action. Please keep us posted to your results and experience.  Wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery and comfort with your loved ones.

                                                                                                                  Swanee 

                                                                                                                  Swanee
                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                    My heart goes out to you and I'm sending positive thoughts and heartfelt Mom suggestions.  I think you have already received amazing love and support from the posts here but I thought I might add one more thought for you to consider.  Being a Mom, I always found that my kids found comfort in taking care of me when I was not well or had surgery.  There is much therapy for ourselves when we take care of someone we love, even though we cannot control what their illness might be doing to them.  Don't try to spare your children from the truth but rather explain in an age appropriate way, what will be happening to you and how they can help with your recovery.  Children at this age have a heightened sense of worry and it will ease their spirit if they are actively taking care of you and it will amaze you to see their love and strength in action. Please keep us posted to your results and experience.  Wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery and comfort with your loved ones.

                                                                                                                    Swanee 

                                                                                                                    Jahendry12
                                                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                                                      First of all, so sorry for all you are going through.  You've come to the right place for support and understanding.  Just wanted to let you know how I handled telling my kids about my husband. 

                                                                                                                      I too, had the same dilema about telling my kids when my husband was diagnosed almost 3 years ago.  My children are not as young as yours so I can only tell you how I handled my situation.

                                                                                                                      We told our son (who at the time was 16) who immediately went to the internet and starting looking things up.  I told him not to go to the internet – if he has questions, come to us.  We have been very open with him about it (at least most of the time).

                                                                                                                      My daughter on the other hand is a different story. She was 13 when he was diagnosed, and we just recently (Thanksgiving) told her the truth about what was going on with her dad.  She has anxiety so from day 1, we only told her as much as we thought she could handle.  She worries about too much already and we didn't want to push her over the edge.  We weren't planning on telling her until we absolutely had to.  She knew dad had  surgeries to remove a suspicious growth from his leg, a LND as well as 2  lung surgeries.  When my husband had his last surgery in Dec 2013 we thought it was time to tell her.  She asked alot of hard questions at first, but see's that her dad is healthy, works a physical job every day, and goes to the doctor ALOT.  I think the fact that he does not 'appear' ill helps her to cope. She has seen a psychologist since 4th grade so we consulted with her as well.

                                                                                                                      Your kids are very young, so I agree with some of the others.  Possibly tell them only what they need to know.  Mommy had surgery to take some growths off her skin and she needs to see the doctor alot to make sure no new growths appear. 

                                                                                                                      Would it be possible for just your husband to take you for the surgery and have someone watch your kids?  Just a suggestion.

                                                                                                                      I will say a prayer for you on Friday.

                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                        tickyloo
                                                                                                                        Participant

                                                                                                                          Thank you , I am so sorry your family has gone through so much . Sending you love

                                                                                                                          tickyloo
                                                                                                                          Participant

                                                                                                                            Thank you , I am so sorry your family has gone through so much . Sending you love

                                                                                                                            tickyloo
                                                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                                                              Thank you , I am so sorry your family has gone through so much . Sending you love

                                                                                                                            Jahendry12
                                                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                                                              First of all, so sorry for all you are going through.  You've come to the right place for support and understanding.  Just wanted to let you know how I handled telling my kids about my husband. 

                                                                                                                              I too, had the same dilema about telling my kids when my husband was diagnosed almost 3 years ago.  My children are not as young as yours so I can only tell you how I handled my situation.

                                                                                                                              We told our son (who at the time was 16) who immediately went to the internet and starting looking things up.  I told him not to go to the internet – if he has questions, come to us.  We have been very open with him about it (at least most of the time).

                                                                                                                              My daughter on the other hand is a different story. She was 13 when he was diagnosed, and we just recently (Thanksgiving) told her the truth about what was going on with her dad.  She has anxiety so from day 1, we only told her as much as we thought she could handle.  She worries about too much already and we didn't want to push her over the edge.  We weren't planning on telling her until we absolutely had to.  She knew dad had  surgeries to remove a suspicious growth from his leg, a LND as well as 2  lung surgeries.  When my husband had his last surgery in Dec 2013 we thought it was time to tell her.  She asked alot of hard questions at first, but see's that her dad is healthy, works a physical job every day, and goes to the doctor ALOT.  I think the fact that he does not 'appear' ill helps her to cope. She has seen a psychologist since 4th grade so we consulted with her as well.

                                                                                                                              Your kids are very young, so I agree with some of the others.  Possibly tell them only what they need to know.  Mommy had surgery to take some growths off her skin and she needs to see the doctor alot to make sure no new growths appear. 

                                                                                                                              Would it be possible for just your husband to take you for the surgery and have someone watch your kids?  Just a suggestion.

                                                                                                                              I will say a prayer for you on Friday.

                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                              Jahendry12
                                                                                                                              Participant

                                                                                                                                First of all, so sorry for all you are going through.  You've come to the right place for support and understanding.  Just wanted to let you know how I handled telling my kids about my husband. 

                                                                                                                                I too, had the same dilema about telling my kids when my husband was diagnosed almost 3 years ago.  My children are not as young as yours so I can only tell you how I handled my situation.

                                                                                                                                We told our son (who at the time was 16) who immediately went to the internet and starting looking things up.  I told him not to go to the internet – if he has questions, come to us.  We have been very open with him about it (at least most of the time).

                                                                                                                                My daughter on the other hand is a different story. She was 13 when he was diagnosed, and we just recently (Thanksgiving) told her the truth about what was going on with her dad.  She has anxiety so from day 1, we only told her as much as we thought she could handle.  She worries about too much already and we didn't want to push her over the edge.  We weren't planning on telling her until we absolutely had to.  She knew dad had  surgeries to remove a suspicious growth from his leg, a LND as well as 2  lung surgeries.  When my husband had his last surgery in Dec 2013 we thought it was time to tell her.  She asked alot of hard questions at first, but see's that her dad is healthy, works a physical job every day, and goes to the doctor ALOT.  I think the fact that he does not 'appear' ill helps her to cope. She has seen a psychologist since 4th grade so we consulted with her as well.

                                                                                                                                Your kids are very young, so I agree with some of the others.  Possibly tell them only what they need to know.  Mommy had surgery to take some growths off her skin and she needs to see the doctor alot to make sure no new growths appear. 

                                                                                                                                Would it be possible for just your husband to take you for the surgery and have someone watch your kids?  Just a suggestion.

                                                                                                                                I will say a prayer for you on Friday.

                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                tickyloo
                                                                                                                                Participant

                                                                                                                                  Thank you everybody for taking time out of your day to reply.   I have truly taken on board everything you said and I think perhaps I was a little ignorant of how big the area may be , makes me chuckle to think I could put a mickey mouse band aid on it now and say silly Mummy !

                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                   I know I do need to prepare them in some way now, especially if my toe is going to look the same a few days after.

                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                  Great advice on here from such lovely people.

                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                  I hope today is good for you all heart

                                                                                                                                  tickyloo
                                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                                    Thank you everybody for taking time out of your day to reply.   I have truly taken on board everything you said and I think perhaps I was a little ignorant of how big the area may be , makes me chuckle to think I could put a mickey mouse band aid on it now and say silly Mummy !

                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                     I know I do need to prepare them in some way now, especially if my toe is going to look the same a few days after.

                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                    Great advice on here from such lovely people.

                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                    I hope today is good for you all heart

                                                                                                                                    tickyloo
                                                                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                                                                      Thank you everybody for taking time out of your day to reply.   I have truly taken on board everything you said and I think perhaps I was a little ignorant of how big the area may be , makes me chuckle to think I could put a mickey mouse band aid on it now and say silly Mummy !

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                       I know I do need to prepare them in some way now, especially if my toe is going to look the same a few days after.

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                      Great advice on here from such lovely people.

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                      I hope today is good for you all heart

                                                                                                                                        tickyloo
                                                                                                                                        Participant

                                                                                                                                          PS.  Is it ok to now be scared about this happening on my neck whilst I am awake or does that make me a wuss compared to what it could be…………… so hard to stay focused. I cant imagine what you all have been through and feel silly for thinking poor me

                                                                                                                                          tickyloo
                                                                                                                                          Participant

                                                                                                                                            PS.  Is it ok to now be scared about this happening on my neck whilst I am awake or does that make me a wuss compared to what it could be…………… so hard to stay focused. I cant imagine what you all have been through and feel silly for thinking poor me

                                                                                                                                            Janner
                                                                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                                                                              The area will be numbed with local anesthesia.  Like I said, I've had them and gone right back to work.  (I was young and ignorant then, now I take the day off:) ).  Anyway, it's ok to be scared, but like the dentist, the shots to numb you are worse than all the rest.  But really, this shouldn't be too bad and you'll do great!

                                                                                                                                              Janner
                                                                                                                                              Participant

                                                                                                                                                The area will be numbed with local anesthesia.  Like I said, I've had them and gone right back to work.  (I was young and ignorant then, now I take the day off:) ).  Anyway, it's ok to be scared, but like the dentist, the shots to numb you are worse than all the rest.  But really, this shouldn't be too bad and you'll do great!

                                                                                                                                                Janner
                                                                                                                                                Participant

                                                                                                                                                  The area will be numbed with local anesthesia.  Like I said, I've had them and gone right back to work.  (I was young and ignorant then, now I take the day off:) ).  Anyway, it's ok to be scared, but like the dentist, the shots to numb you are worse than all the rest.  But really, this shouldn't be too bad and you'll do great!

                                                                                                                                                  tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                                                    PS.  Is it ok to now be scared about this happening on my neck whilst I am awake or does that make me a wuss compared to what it could be…………… so hard to stay focused. I cant imagine what you all have been through and feel silly for thinking poor me

                                                                                                                                                  mwcollins
                                                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                                                    I'm not sure if this will help either, but I'll give you what my family did when melanoma entered our lives. . . My husband had a "wart" on his arm that was removed, found to be malignant, and scheduled for the wide excision, etc.  Our boys at the time were 18 months, 9 and 10 at the time.  The older boys were somewhat curious, daddy had a 'shark bite' on his arm and was in a lot of pain from the skin graff.  Fortunately for us, they were able to get the whole tumor, and the sentinal lymphs were clean, so we were able to tell our boys that the doctors got all the bad stuff. . .  This helped when my husband had a recurrance 18 months later.  They understood that the doctor was going to go in, remove the tumor and move on.  And unfortunately again just 2 weeks ago (kids now 4 1/2, 11 & 12) they are perceiving cancer as a "doctor will go in, remove the tumor, and it is done".  Since then as well, my father has had to undergo chemo and radiation for tongue, throat and neck cancer, but their outlook on cancer is altered due to our history.  We try very hard to live a normal life with cancer and let the boys ask whatever questions they come up with.  Our oldest is very scientific and is fine with the removal idea, our middle son is a little more concerned, but we have tried to assure him that daddy's doctors are excellent and that there is no cancer in his body right now.  The little one is still aloof and we're trying to keep him that way.  Knowing melanoma, it will come back again, we will have to have the conversation again, and we will have to have a further conversation about immunotherapy, but for now, we have been successful with the idea of surgery being the way to deal with cancer.

                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                    I do remember agonizing for days about how to talk with our boys, but in the end I found that they actually handled it much better than I have at times.  I'm sure you know your children best and know what they can and can't comprehend.  I wish more than anything that no one would ever have to deal with this awful dilemma, but the unfortunate truth is, we do.  Trust your heart and it'll work out fine.  Good luck with the procedure and let us know how it goes.  I'll be praying for you and your family

                                                                                                                                                      tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                      Participant

                                                                                                                                                        Goodness me I am so sorry for what your family unit is going through and I appreciate you very much for taking time out to tell me your story.

                                                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                                        I hadnt quite understood the scar would be obvious so I will now find a way to tell them in 6 & 8 year way.

                                                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                                        tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                        Participant

                                                                                                                                                          Goodness me I am so sorry for what your family unit is going through and I appreciate you very much for taking time out to tell me your story.

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                          I hadnt quite understood the scar would be obvious so I will now find a way to tell them in 6 & 8 year way.

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                          tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                          Participant

                                                                                                                                                            Goodness me I am so sorry for what your family unit is going through and I appreciate you very much for taking time out to tell me your story.

                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                            I hadnt quite understood the scar would be obvious so I will now find a way to tell them in 6 & 8 year way.

                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                          mwcollins
                                                                                                                                                          Participant

                                                                                                                                                            I'm not sure if this will help either, but I'll give you what my family did when melanoma entered our lives. . . My husband had a "wart" on his arm that was removed, found to be malignant, and scheduled for the wide excision, etc.  Our boys at the time were 18 months, 9 and 10 at the time.  The older boys were somewhat curious, daddy had a 'shark bite' on his arm and was in a lot of pain from the skin graff.  Fortunately for us, they were able to get the whole tumor, and the sentinal lymphs were clean, so we were able to tell our boys that the doctors got all the bad stuff. . .  This helped when my husband had a recurrance 18 months later.  They understood that the doctor was going to go in, remove the tumor and move on.  And unfortunately again just 2 weeks ago (kids now 4 1/2, 11 & 12) they are perceiving cancer as a "doctor will go in, remove the tumor, and it is done".  Since then as well, my father has had to undergo chemo and radiation for tongue, throat and neck cancer, but their outlook on cancer is altered due to our history.  We try very hard to live a normal life with cancer and let the boys ask whatever questions they come up with.  Our oldest is very scientific and is fine with the removal idea, our middle son is a little more concerned, but we have tried to assure him that daddy's doctors are excellent and that there is no cancer in his body right now.  The little one is still aloof and we're trying to keep him that way.  Knowing melanoma, it will come back again, we will have to have the conversation again, and we will have to have a further conversation about immunotherapy, but for now, we have been successful with the idea of surgery being the way to deal with cancer.

                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                            I do remember agonizing for days about how to talk with our boys, but in the end I found that they actually handled it much better than I have at times.  I'm sure you know your children best and know what they can and can't comprehend.  I wish more than anything that no one would ever have to deal with this awful dilemma, but the unfortunate truth is, we do.  Trust your heart and it'll work out fine.  Good luck with the procedure and let us know how it goes.  I'll be praying for you and your family

                                                                                                                                                            mwcollins
                                                                                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                                                                                              I'm not sure if this will help either, but I'll give you what my family did when melanoma entered our lives. . . My husband had a "wart" on his arm that was removed, found to be malignant, and scheduled for the wide excision, etc.  Our boys at the time were 18 months, 9 and 10 at the time.  The older boys were somewhat curious, daddy had a 'shark bite' on his arm and was in a lot of pain from the skin graff.  Fortunately for us, they were able to get the whole tumor, and the sentinal lymphs were clean, so we were able to tell our boys that the doctors got all the bad stuff. . .  This helped when my husband had a recurrance 18 months later.  They understood that the doctor was going to go in, remove the tumor and move on.  And unfortunately again just 2 weeks ago (kids now 4 1/2, 11 & 12) they are perceiving cancer as a "doctor will go in, remove the tumor, and it is done".  Since then as well, my father has had to undergo chemo and radiation for tongue, throat and neck cancer, but their outlook on cancer is altered due to our history.  We try very hard to live a normal life with cancer and let the boys ask whatever questions they come up with.  Our oldest is very scientific and is fine with the removal idea, our middle son is a little more concerned, but we have tried to assure him that daddy's doctors are excellent and that there is no cancer in his body right now.  The little one is still aloof and we're trying to keep him that way.  Knowing melanoma, it will come back again, we will have to have the conversation again, and we will have to have a further conversation about immunotherapy, but for now, we have been successful with the idea of surgery being the way to deal with cancer.

                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                              I do remember agonizing for days about how to talk with our boys, but in the end I found that they actually handled it much better than I have at times.  I'm sure you know your children best and know what they can and can't comprehend.  I wish more than anything that no one would ever have to deal with this awful dilemma, but the unfortunate truth is, we do.  Trust your heart and it'll work out fine.  Good luck with the procedure and let us know how it goes.  I'll be praying for you and your family

                                                                                                                                                              Janner
                                                                                                                                                              Participant

                                                                                                                                                                How did it go?

                                                                                                                                                                  tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                                                                    My goodness me Ive been so consumed with neck than toe that I didnt sign in again until today but I felt it important to do so in case anyone came across my post and wondered like me what would happen .

                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                    So tp answer my own question there is no way I could hide it from the children even if I had wanted to.  That being said , being a worry guts served a purpose as I said to the surgeon " how will this look , Im trying to not scare my children " to which he then replied that I had made him think, the majority of his patients were a lot older than me, they had wrinkles and folds and he doesnt see neck WLE that often. Well Im so glad I rasied this issue. Instead of doing the usual couple of internal layers and then the nasty black criss cross external layers that he said would scare the kids he did as many internal layers as he could to bring it all together really nicely and then just held the very top layer of skin together with tape. It was amazing, took him almost double the time but I was vey gateful.

                                                                                                                                                                    I appreciated how grateful when I did my toe and my son almost passed out when he saw the black stitches. Incidentally I got a very bad infection from the toe as it didnt hold very well and was without a shadow of doubt a zillion times worse for pain than my neck.

                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                    So my kiddos have been told but by bit that mummy had some bad cells that the dr needed to take away to keep me healthy. That story had to come out when my 8 yr old son started to sob because he was so sorry that I would have this scar on my neck for the rest of my life. I told him Mummy wasnt sad, she was happy that she found a clever doctor who could make sure all the bad stuff was out and that scar is a good thing

                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                    POW
                                                                                                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                                                                                                      Thank you so much for the update, Tickyloo. It sounds like the surgery went really well and that you handled your children's questions and concerns perfectly. From now on, tell your kids that your scar is a badge of victory! 

                                                                                                                                                                      You see? You were so worried in the beginning about the surgery and especially about your children. I hope that when life presents you with other challenges in the future (which it will) you give yourself more credit. You deserve it! 

                                                                                                                                                                      tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                                      Participant

                                                                                                                                                                        Thank you x

                                                                                                                                                                        tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                                        Participant

                                                                                                                                                                          Thank you x

                                                                                                                                                                          tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                                          Participant

                                                                                                                                                                            Thank you x

                                                                                                                                                                            POW
                                                                                                                                                                            Participant

                                                                                                                                                                              Thank you so much for the update, Tickyloo. It sounds like the surgery went really well and that you handled your children's questions and concerns perfectly. From now on, tell your kids that your scar is a badge of victory! 

                                                                                                                                                                              You see? You were so worried in the beginning about the surgery and especially about your children. I hope that when life presents you with other challenges in the future (which it will) you give yourself more credit. You deserve it! 

                                                                                                                                                                              POW
                                                                                                                                                                              Participant

                                                                                                                                                                                Thank you so much for the update, Tickyloo. It sounds like the surgery went really well and that you handled your children's questions and concerns perfectly. From now on, tell your kids that your scar is a badge of victory! 

                                                                                                                                                                                You see? You were so worried in the beginning about the surgery and especially about your children. I hope that when life presents you with other challenges in the future (which it will) you give yourself more credit. You deserve it! 

                                                                                                                                                                                tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                                                Participant

                                                                                                                                                                                  My goodness me Ive been so consumed with neck than toe that I didnt sign in again until today but I felt it important to do so in case anyone came across my post and wondered like me what would happen .

                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                  So tp answer my own question there is no way I could hide it from the children even if I had wanted to.  That being said , being a worry guts served a purpose as I said to the surgeon " how will this look , Im trying to not scare my children " to which he then replied that I had made him think, the majority of his patients were a lot older than me, they had wrinkles and folds and he doesnt see neck WLE that often. Well Im so glad I rasied this issue. Instead of doing the usual couple of internal layers and then the nasty black criss cross external layers that he said would scare the kids he did as many internal layers as he could to bring it all together really nicely and then just held the very top layer of skin together with tape. It was amazing, took him almost double the time but I was vey gateful.

                                                                                                                                                                                  I appreciated how grateful when I did my toe and my son almost passed out when he saw the black stitches. Incidentally I got a very bad infection from the toe as it didnt hold very well and was without a shadow of doubt a zillion times worse for pain than my neck.

                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                  So my kiddos have been told but by bit that mummy had some bad cells that the dr needed to take away to keep me healthy. That story had to come out when my 8 yr old son started to sob because he was so sorry that I would have this scar on my neck for the rest of my life. I told him Mummy wasnt sad, she was happy that she found a clever doctor who could make sure all the bad stuff was out and that scar is a good thing

                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                  tickyloo
                                                                                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                                                                                    My goodness me Ive been so consumed with neck than toe that I didnt sign in again until today but I felt it important to do so in case anyone came across my post and wondered like me what would happen .

                                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                    So tp answer my own question there is no way I could hide it from the children even if I had wanted to.  That being said , being a worry guts served a purpose as I said to the surgeon " how will this look , Im trying to not scare my children " to which he then replied that I had made him think, the majority of his patients were a lot older than me, they had wrinkles and folds and he doesnt see neck WLE that often. Well Im so glad I rasied this issue. Instead of doing the usual couple of internal layers and then the nasty black criss cross external layers that he said would scare the kids he did as many internal layers as he could to bring it all together really nicely and then just held the very top layer of skin together with tape. It was amazing, took him almost double the time but I was vey gateful.

                                                                                                                                                                                    I appreciated how grateful when I did my toe and my son almost passed out when he saw the black stitches. Incidentally I got a very bad infection from the toe as it didnt hold very well and was without a shadow of doubt a zillion times worse for pain than my neck.

                                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                    So my kiddos have been told but by bit that mummy had some bad cells that the dr needed to take away to keep me healthy. That story had to come out when my 8 yr old son started to sob because he was so sorry that I would have this scar on my neck for the rest of my life. I told him Mummy wasnt sad, she was happy that she found a clever doctor who could make sure all the bad stuff was out and that scar is a good thing

                                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                  Janner
                                                                                                                                                                                  Participant

                                                                                                                                                                                    How did it go?

                                                                                                                                                                                    Janner
                                                                                                                                                                                    Participant

                                                                                                                                                                                      How did it go?

                                                                                                                                                                                  Viewing 26 reply threads
                                                                                                                                                                                  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
                                                                                                                                                                                  About the MRF Patient Forum

                                                                                                                                                                                  The MRF Patient Forum is the oldest and largest online community of people affected by melanoma. It is designed to provide peer support and information to caregivers, patients, family and friends. There is no better place to discuss different parts of your journey with this cancer and find the friends and support resources to make that journey more bearable.

                                                                                                                                                                                  The information on the forum is open and accessible to everyone. To add a new topic or to post a reply, you must be a registered user. Please note that you will be able to post both topics and replies anonymously even though you are logged in. All posts must abide by MRF posting policies.

                                                                                                                                                                                  Popular Topics