Suggestions for talking to 13yo child of melanoma sufferer.

I am so sorry your having to go through this.  I don't think there's an easy way to have that discussion.  But…..being a mother of 3 children myself I feel like being open and honest and letting her deal with her emotions naturally is the way to go. 

Maybe tell her that you need to talk to her about what's going on.  When you sit down she will probably already know what you're going to say.  You can tell her that this isn't easy for you and don't know what words you can use to make it any easier.  You may not actually have to say much.  Kids, especially at 13, are really smart and intuitive. 

I know when I told my kids, that are a bit older, that I had Melanoma cancer, they cried at first then had alot of questions.  You have to tell her because she's probably already afraid of what's going to happen.  She probably has alot of questions and you can help her with her fears.  I know it's not easy but you have to do it!! 

Good Luck to you, it'll be ok!! 

I am so sorry your having to go through this.  I don't think there's an easy way to have that discussion.  But…..being a mother of 3 children myself I feel like being open and honest and letting her deal with her emotions naturally is the way to go. 

Maybe tell her that you need to talk to her about what's going on.  When you sit down she will probably already know what you're going to say.  You can tell her that this isn't easy for you and don't know what words you can use to make it any easier.  You may not actually have to say much.  Kids, especially at 13, are really smart and intuitive. 

I know when I told my kids, that are a bit older, that I had Melanoma cancer, they cried at first then had alot of questions.  You have to tell her because she's probably already afraid of what's going to happen.  She probably has alot of questions and you can help her with her fears.  I know it's not easy but you have to do it!! 

Good Luck to you, it'll be ok!! 

Chances are she already knows.  The three of you need to sit down together and just ask her if she has any questions about whats going on with Daddy.  If you get a "no".  Then you'll have to start the conversation with a little bit of background which she already knows and then say something like "you know we saw the doctor the other day and he has no more suggestions to help daddy fight this cancer.  We're afraid ithe cancer going to win"  Just wait and let her digest that.  And ask again if she has any questions or comments.  Let her know that you both love her very much and that she is needed at this time as much as ever. 

My heart goes out to you and you daughter.

Mary.

Chances are she already knows.  The three of you need to sit down together and just ask her if she has any questions about whats going on with Daddy.  If you get a "no".  Then you'll have to start the conversation with a little bit of background which she already knows and then say something like "you know we saw the doctor the other day and he has no more suggestions to help daddy fight this cancer.  We're afraid ithe cancer going to win"  Just wait and let her digest that.  And ask again if she has any questions or comments.  Let her know that you both love her very much and that she is needed at this time as much as ever. 

My heart goes out to you and you daughter.

Mary.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.  My heart is breaking for you and your daughter.  Like others have said, she probably knows more than she has let on.  However, having her worst fears confirmed will be difficult.  I would see if the hospital where your husband is being treated has a social worker that can help the both of you with this.

I would also talk to her school to see if she could see the counselor there as well.  Having it set up now would mean she could start building a relationship and talking about her feelings/fears before the end.

Hugs to the both of you, and may God give you strength.

Maria

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.  My heart is breaking for you and your daughter.  Like others have said, she probably knows more than she has let on.  However, having her worst fears confirmed will be difficult.  I would see if the hospital where your husband is being treated has a social worker that can help the both of you with this.

I would also talk to her school to see if she could see the counselor there as well.  Having it set up now would mean she could start building a relationship and talking about her feelings/fears before the end.

Hugs to the both of you, and may God give you strength.

Maria

I am so sorry to hear this news. I agree with what Maria says. Having a support team in place for your daughter will help her through this journey. She (and you) will be going through the typical grieving stages – denial,anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance. Get all the support you can, and please keep us posted here. You are in our prayers!

I am so sorry to hear this news. I agree with what Maria says. Having a support team in place for your daughter will help her through this journey. She (and you) will be going through the typical grieving stages – denial,anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance. Get all the support you can, and please keep us posted here. You are in our prayers!

This is so heartbreaking for all of us.

My Oncologist actually offered to talk to my 15 year old daughter for us and answer any questions she might have.

He told her my current treatment  (biochemo) has a 50/50 chance of working and that I had an 80 percent change of dying within 5 years. She was quite tearful and has been having dreams about me dying,

I didn't know the 80% statistic. Not that thrilled with that number myself.

The Oncologist said it's just not fair to them if they don't know. My daughter and I have all the ususal teen issues, but I think knowing what we know, both of us can step back a little easier and try to make the most of any potential time we have together.

I have also looked into a support group for her. They have one once a month here and I plan to be taking her to those. They are specifically for kids of all ages. She says her friends "just don't get it". I'm sure that they don't. So, I think this will hopefully help her. I don't recall the name of the group, but will post later becuase it's not just in Las vegas that they do these meetings.

My heart goes out to you and your family,

Julie in Las Vegas

This is so heartbreaking for all of us.

My Oncologist actually offered to talk to my 15 year old daughter for us and answer any questions she might have.

He told her my current treatment  (biochemo) has a 50/50 chance of working and that I had an 80 percent change of dying within 5 years. She was quite tearful and has been having dreams about me dying,

I didn't know the 80% statistic. Not that thrilled with that number myself.

The Oncologist said it's just not fair to them if they don't know. My daughter and I have all the ususal teen issues, but I think knowing what we know, both of us can step back a little easier and try to make the most of any potential time we have together.

I have also looked into a support group for her. They have one once a month here and I plan to be taking her to those. They are specifically for kids of all ages. She says her friends "just don't get it". I'm sure that they don't. So, I think this will hopefully help her. I don't recall the name of the group, but will post later becuase it's not just in Las vegas that they do these meetings.

My heart goes out to you and your family,

Julie in Las Vegas

Audrey,

I'm not sure I have any suggestion as to how to go about it. You are the only one who has any idea of where she is at. All I can say is I was diagnosed at stage 4 with an almost 3 year old. I elected to tell her I was sick and it "might" kill me (as I didn't want to have brain surgery) without her having some forewarning. She's now 6, and every now and then comes out with a doozy of a question that will take my breath away. She's been updated on every treatment and warned of side effects that Mummy may have. But I've always been careful to relate my responses to her cognitive ability. And she can sense if I'm not being totally honest with her, about my treatment- has been able to since around 4. Mine is cluey enough at six, so I can only guess how in tune she'd be with nuances and emotions at 13.

Can you get some counselling to help you with how to go about it? It's hard to do, for me, it was necessary for many reasons. Best wishes for the strength for the difficult task that lies ahead.

Nic

Audrey,

I'm not sure I have any suggestion as to how to go about it. You are the only one who has any idea of where she is at. All I can say is I was diagnosed at stage 4 with an almost 3 year old. I elected to tell her I was sick and it "might" kill me (as I didn't want to have brain surgery) without her having some forewarning. She's now 6, and every now and then comes out with a doozy of a question that will take my breath away. She's been updated on every treatment and warned of side effects that Mummy may have. But I've always been careful to relate my responses to her cognitive ability. And she can sense if I'm not being totally honest with her, about my treatment- has been able to since around 4. Mine is cluey enough at six, so I can only guess how in tune she'd be with nuances and emotions at 13.

Can you get some counselling to help you with how to go about it? It's hard to do, for me, it was necessary for many reasons. Best wishes for the strength for the difficult task that lies ahead.

Nic

As you may know, I lost my wife to this horrible disease nearly 2 years ago. Therefore, I would just like to say a bit about the situation that you are experiencing.

I think that it is important to keep your daughter, friends and relatives of all ages informed, but in a manner that they can understand. One really doesn't have to say very much at all. I feel that a sense of optimism should be maintained while making your daughter and others aware that your husband has a very serious illness.

One thing that I learned when caring for my late wife was that people can't always tell how sick someone is by looking at them. So I made sure that those closest to her were kept updated with results of scans and what her oncologists were saying.

With children, it might be just a matter of saying that your husband is very sick and that he is getting better or worse. Hope this helps.

Take care

Frank from Australia

As you may know, I lost my wife to this horrible disease nearly 2 years ago. Therefore, I would just like to say a bit about the situation that you are experiencing.

I think that it is important to keep your daughter, friends and relatives of all ages informed, but in a manner that they can understand. One really doesn't have to say very much at all. I feel that a sense of optimism should be maintained while making your daughter and others aware that your husband has a very serious illness.

One thing that I learned when caring for my late wife was that people can't always tell how sick someone is by looking at them. So I made sure that those closest to her were kept updated with results of scans and what her oncologists were saying.

With children, it might be just a matter of saying that your husband is very sick and that he is getting better or worse. Hope this helps.

Take care

Frank from Australia

Audrey,

I also have a 13 yo daughter as well as a 14 yo son. My husband's diagnosis came on very suddenly and advanced quickly. When we were told he was Stage 4 with cancer in bones, lungs, and liver, we knew we had to talk to them.

When he had his biopsy, we sat the kids down and told them that his cancer had come back (he had a stage 1a removed from his shoulder 2 years ago) and that this time it was more serious, that he was going to have to see special cancer doctors and have special treatments, etc.

Once we got the word that he was Stage 4, we had a family meeting. We all sat down together and I told them that their father's cancer had gotten worse; that Stage 4 is not considered curable by doctors…what had been an if was now going to be a when. But I was also quick to tell them that Don had every intention of fighting every step of the way and that everybody's case is different, so he didn't have an "expiration date"…and that we shouldn't give up hope, because no one can predict the future. And, most of all, we needed to take advantage of the time we had left to be together as a family. 

We asked them if they had questions and answered the ones we had. We hugged and cried together. Since then, for the most part, the kids have been handling it really well.

There have been a few times since then that one or the other of them have come to me with concerns or more questions. I have encouraged that, as I think it helps both them and me as well.

I guess I would say we tried to be realistic and truthful but to also make sure that they knew that there is always some hope.

I don't know if this helped you, but I hope it did. : )

Michelle, wife of Don

Audrey,

I also have a 13 yo daughter as well as a 14 yo son. My husband's diagnosis came on very suddenly and advanced quickly. When we were told he was Stage 4 with cancer in bones, lungs, and liver, we knew we had to talk to them.

When he had his biopsy, we sat the kids down and told them that his cancer had come back (he had a stage 1a removed from his shoulder 2 years ago) and that this time it was more serious, that he was going to have to see special cancer doctors and have special treatments, etc.

Once we got the word that he was Stage 4, we had a family meeting. We all sat down together and I told them that their father's cancer had gotten worse; that Stage 4 is not considered curable by doctors…what had been an if was now going to be a when. But I was also quick to tell them that Don had every intention of fighting every step of the way and that everybody's case is different, so he didn't have an "expiration date"…and that we shouldn't give up hope, because no one can predict the future. And, most of all, we needed to take advantage of the time we had left to be together as a family. 

We asked them if they had questions and answered the ones we had. We hugged and cried together. Since then, for the most part, the kids have been handling it really well.

There have been a few times since then that one or the other of them have come to me with concerns or more questions. I have encouraged that, as I think it helps both them and me as well.

I guess I would say we tried to be realistic and truthful but to also make sure that they knew that there is always some hope.

I don't know if this helped you, but I hope it did. : )

Michelle, wife of Don

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.   Please think about asking your daughter's school to arrange for you to have a 15 min conference with all of her teachers present. 13 is a difficult enough time in school, they need to be aware of what is going on. Since this is the beginning of the year she won't have familiar teachers around her that will notice changes in her behavior or personality.  You need to personally let the teachers know how you want any difficulties handled.  There is a good chance that the counselor will have a group that they can put your daughter in with others that are either presently going through this or someone that has lost a parent.

Of course this would be done after you have talked to your daughter. You don't want anyone else saying something before you do.

Linda

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.   Please think about asking your daughter's school to arrange for you to have a 15 min conference with all of her teachers present. 13 is a difficult enough time in school, they need to be aware of what is going on. Since this is the beginning of the year she won't have familiar teachers around her that will notice changes in her behavior or personality.  You need to personally let the teachers know how you want any difficulties handled.  There is a good chance that the counselor will have a group that they can put your daughter in with others that are either presently going through this or someone that has lost a parent.

Of course this would be done after you have talked to your daughter. You don't want anyone else saying something before you do.

Linda