Melanoma takes and then it takes some more…

I am sorry for what you are dealing with, Jennifer.  I have not dealt with precisely the things you have, but I think many of us can relate to your sentiments!!!  And, mostly….I am sorry.  I feel for you…and me…and all of US!!!  I don't have any great words of wisdom.  I haven't had counseling personally, but I think it can be a great help for some, as well as meds to help deal with stress and/or depression for those who need it.  My dear ones near and far have been essential in seeing me through my struggles, including folks I met only through my participation in "on-line" melanoma world!!!  Humor is certainly important…if you've read any part of my blog…you probably know that potty pics from some of those dear ones have been great for seeing me through some of my worst experiences.  But – I have a weird sense of humor.  Apart from support from my dear ones….I work to be "me"….as best I can…no matter what…while remembering this essential caveat:

I am not me anymore –
– or at least I am not the same me that I was.                   
                                                                                Che Guevara

And part of that is hard.  But, it is real.  For all of us.  I was first diagnosed with melanoma when I was 39.  I am now 54.  Yes!  I have gotten older!!!!!!!!!  As the saying goes ~ a privilege denied to many!!  And…without melanoma….wouldn't I be a different "me" now anyway?  I hope so.  It would have been nice to have made that journey WITHOUT melanoma (and adenocarcinoma!!)!!!!  I will NEVER say that I am thankful to have had melanoma.  I think I could have been a perfectly nice, understanding, grateful, empathetic, slightly crazy, chaotic, evolving human without it!!!  HA!!!  

So, I work to remain me.  Maybe not the me I was.  But the essential, best me, evolving to deal with my changing reality, as best I can.  

If that makes sense.  For what it's worth.  I wish you my very best.  Celeste

Jennifer,

That sucks, it really does.

I think counseling can help if you find someone good. Maybe meditation if you're open to that. My husband is teaching himself to play piano, which I guess is a form of meditation. 

Best wishes,

Betsy

Jennifer – my heart goes out to you, even when we are stabilized, the melanoma leaves us with some nasty reminder. You do deserve a big congratulations for knocking this cancer down. I do agree with the others, find yourself a great therapist, we also have to treat our mind during the treatments. Okay let's deal with the auto issue : on Amazon look up – portable handicap driving hand control for the price of $289. It comes in your choice of red, blue or silver. So let's be gratified about the melanoma, set up some treatment and give the hand controls a shot. We all have a lot of thanks to give on this upcoming holiday.

Jennifer, I wish these things hadn't happened to you–or to any of us. What helps me most is adaptation. Due to a permanent bald spot and my sun paranoia, I have amassed some serious hats and headscarves. Due to mouth problems from Nivo, I've become the house expert on soft food: blended vegetable soups, fruit popsicles, hot cereals, baked fruits. I accept help from other people, including those who record guided meditations. Some of my old self I do not miss. I'm no longer chronically, crankily busy; my husband says I'm more patient. I say no to obligations I would have once accepted. I'm in bed by 10. And like you, I'm pretty stoked about not being dead.

Timing sucked, but hooray for the negative biopsy on your lip! 

And just a thought: Have you tried acupuncture and/or massage for your foot? (Having dismissed acu at first, I thought I would ask.)

Sending you all good wishes,

Lisa

Hi Jennifer – yes, cancer has stolen so much from you and others.  I wish none of us had to endure the pain and life altering changes that this terrible disease has brought.  My husband has lost his ability to drive, to his productive work life, to travel, to cook, to take care of his family…..the list goes on and on.  However, he (we) has reluctantly adapted to his new normal and through the toughest of times he watched his son graduate from college, walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding and recently welcomed our first grandchild and will soon watch his son get married.  Can't tell you how rewarded he felt babysitting his 3 month old grandson for two days recently.  It was exhausting but he managed!  Life is not perfect but we persevere.  Cancer sucks.

Neither he or I have seen a counselor – I do think it may have helped in the beginning.  I second the suggestions for adaptive driving controls and accupuncture.  Massage therapy may also be beneficial.

Take care.  Wishing you blessings through the upcoming holiday season.

Ann

Hey Jennifer,
Wow, you've been through the ringer and definitely got a lot on your plate, I don't know what kind of strength you have to have, but you have it, regardless of anything else.  As for the complaining, I think it's probably good to get that out and you've probably done far less than you've earned in this situation.  To be a mom who works takes a lot for the healthiest of us and to do it while going through this, nothing short of amazing in my book.

My sister, who does a lot of counseling and outreach, has lately informed me of how much trauma affects us and you've had a lot of trauma.  I've become a big believer, based on this research and just plain old observation, is that we all crave community to help us deal with trauma and not feel alone (hence this board above and beyond being an information source).

My best advice is do whatever brings value to you:  Support groups (I'm a big fan, sometimes being with people NOT your family is helpful), meditation, Heavy Metal Music, massage (1 hour to take care of you), etc…..

Counseling is hugely beneficial if you are open to it, if nothing else, it's 45-50 minutes for you to talk and have someone focus on you and you alone.  Everybody needs this and if it is an option you have, doesn't hurt to give it a spin.

I'm a huge fan of comedy, big fan of George Carlin, it's dark but rings true and sometimes it's nice to hear someone say what we really think in our darkest hours.  I would guess it would be hard to feel the need to always be positive (which is key in this disease, but I'm guessing there are tons of other feelings too that are just as valid).

No matter what, the new you rocks.  I had an anxiety disorder in my 20's and one of the owners of a tennis club I worked for, just told me to get over it.  His wife came up to me after and said, Jackie, don't worry, if he had to deal with one heart palpitation, he would be the first in line for the emergency room 🙂  Things are easier said then done for those who aren't dealing with this like you.  You've dealt with the toughest thing you could have been handed, therefore you amaze me.

Many hugs

You've saved your life too, you get the credit.

One last funny story, when we first met the surgeon at MD Anderson, she somewhat cheerfully told us "It's a GREAT time to have melanoma".  I always found that funny but could have done without the melanoma.

Jennifer, I think you are amazing. You have been through so much yet you continue to work care for your family and offer support and kindness to all of us here. You deserve a good rant and I think it is healthy to let it all out. Look at the things you have lost, mourn them be angry and then look at all of the things you still have. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Sorry to hear you have been through so much

Its uncanny you raise this question as I have been so worried about the physical for so long I have only just put my mind to how i have been dealing with the mental issues.

i took the decision early on that I wouldn’t drag my family down with me so any discussion of my illness was banned unless I mentioned it.  I go to all hospital appointments alone except when I go for scan results when my wife comes with me, but I do update my immediate family after each visit by text.  I find it easier that way and it means I don’t have to answer questions.   I have a few work friends that know about my issues but again I have a strict don’t talk about it rule unless I mention it.  This works well in protecting those I care about but means I take on an awful burden that I compartmentalise and box up in my mind.  I have a trusted friend who I occasionally give a lift home from work (takes about 1.5hours) and she is very good at opening all my little boxes and making me talk about it. By the end of the car journey I normally feel exhausted and drained but I have freed myself of all the issues I have been boxing up and feel a great deal better as a result.  

My suggestion is to find someone you trust who is willing to help you and has the right type of sympathetic ear and open up to them wholeheartedly – there is a good chance you will initially feel worse but I’m sure in the long run it will help you feel better about everything.

best of luck

Mark

Hi Jennifer! I know you've been through a hell of a lot & yet you keep driving forward, no pun intended to your newest driving "problems" of foot numbness! That's a tough one to fathom & i also have a lil discomfort while driving my self but with cramping..

My thing that comforts me is my woodworking & listening to my music, I have YouTube Music loaded & ready, certainly a lot cheaper then therapy and, for now, the combo works..Keep up yer strength and never ever waiver, your an inspiration here at MRF!!

First let me get out of the way that I cried when reading your post. When I see your “27” in a list of commenters I know your post will be an informative and often upbeat read. 

And now I have to respectfully disagree. You have dealt with it. Mightily. Compartmentalizing is a valuable skill and tool. Granted, it isn’t the only tool, and sometimes it can be helpful to shift gears, but don’t discount your ability and the reasonableness of how you’ve used that tool, given your life, which would be considered stuffed to the brim even without cancer.

I’m just the wife, so take what I say with a grain or box of salt, but if your medical center has a counseling and/or group program for cancer patients/family/friends, and if you can carve out a little solo time, why not look into it? At my husband’s center, there’s individual counseling, art therapy, movement therapy, meditation, exercise programs, discussion groups, more.

I attended one session of a monthly art therapy group for patients/friends/family. Everyone else was a patient, and some of the women talking to me before/after said it was a highlight of their month for diverse reasons: camaraderie, surprisingly figuring something out, unblocking emotions, laughter, peacefulness. A meditation and check-in was first done, and at the end participants who wanted to talked about their project. 

Getting in touch more – whether though that kind of program or individual counseling – might be something to explore. It can’t hurt, and might provide another tool for you.

Just my take; YMMV. 

Beth