Strange Experience

I can't even imagine how hard it is to know how to share all of this with your children. I have no answer for that, but I can tell you (and you probably already know) that many – no, most – people just don't know what to say when they find out someone has cancer. Often this means they say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong moment. And some people just flat out struggle with empathy (my boss, for example). 

I am not excusing your daughter's teacher in the slightest (as a teacher myself, I was disappointed to read of her response), but it might be a good idea to find another teacher or counselor or school nurse or psychologist who can be there to support your daughter. She doesn't have to know why they are there for her (or the extent of it, at least), but knowing someone else will try to connect with your daughter every day just to support her and talk (about anything!) might give you some peace of mind. I know that I wouldn't mind helping another teacher's student for any reason and I'm sure there is someone there that would be the right support for both you and your daughter.

I'm sorry I can't speak to your questions and struggles with how much to tell your daughters and when, but you might do some research to find a support group in your area. I know that here there are groups for both children and parents and I imagine they can be quite helpful. At least you would find people who struggle with the same issues and the same fight. 

I will be thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace and answers that help you on this journey. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. 

The topic has come up a few times, this is a post from 2014 https://www.melanoma.org/find-support/patient-community/mpip-melanoma-patients-information-page/talking-kids-about-melanoma#comment-76720   I continue to keep my now 8.5 year old involved with my treatments, every few months I bring her with me to the Oncologist visit ( they are very routine at this point). I find it helps to talk about the treatments and how I am feeling, the fact that things have been stable for so long makes it easier to be open about things. I am sure you will find your own path on how to handle it with your kids. Best Wishes!!!Ed 

Wish you could have asked the teacher if she was stupid or just insensitive. Her question was sooo out of line. My best friend recentlyt found out he has ALS. I took him to lunch as usual and let him say as much or as little as he wished. He chose to be very open and we had a frank and warm discussion. I will always be driving now because he can't. We talked about the odds but also how they vary widely between individuals much like melanoma. We both know his illness is usually a death sentence as there are no effective treatments. But he is my friend and will be regardless. And I am there to listen not question.  

Omg I have a kindergartner too, also stage IV, and I can't even imagine his teacher saying that.  Although I guess it's not that surprising bc I have heard some pretty crazy stuff, but I would expect better from his teacher.  We reached out to his prinicipal (I was reluctant) but we really have found it's better for everyone at the school to know.  I honestly hate that my kid is the one whose mom has cancer, but I can't say enough about how much they help him through it.  Does your school have a social worker?  My son has been seeing his social worker at school and she's been amazing and is so good about helping his dad and I understand how he's feeling and how some of his behaviors are caused by my illness.  We even tried a social worker outside of school but it wasn't a good fit.  He's really had a hard time with me being sick and the transition to kindergarten!  We have found that the more we are willing to tell him, within reason, the more he's "okay" with things.  We did tell him it was cancer, he didn't understand but we wanted to be honest.  My latest treatment has been rough and it's been hard for him to see me sick, but we keep reminding him it's for mommy to get better.  There's no good answer and it's so heartbreaking to see how much it really affects them.    Not that I want us to be in the same boat but I'm glad we can vent to each other!  Take care 

Caitlin 

I'm a retired elementary teacher and also a Stage IV survivor.  I've gotten more spirit lifting comments than abrupt or negative, but that was inappropriate by any standards.  I guess she certainly doesn't beat around the bush.  I'm not sure how people can be so insensitive but we all experience it sometimes…no excuses for her though. Since it's May,  I hope your daughter's kindergarten year was okay and that this was a case of not knowing what to say (although she said it twice!!!!  Yikes…I applaud you for taking the high road!!!!)  It's almost the end of the school year (unless you have year round schooling or something?.)  Some schools will allow you to request teachers for the next year while others won't. Some will let you describe the personality that your child might work best with.  I think I would ask both the prinicipal of the school and the guidance counselor to place your child in a class where the teacher might have some experience with this type of situation in some way or at least have the personality that they feel would be a good match.  Also, the guidance counselor may have coping suggestions and groups for children in your little girl's situation. Good grief, I feel badly that you even had to answer such a difficult question. Ughhhhh I agree that it's important to let the school know because most teachers truly  love the children in their classrooms and have compassion for their families when they are going through hard times.  We don't need to know everything but it helps to know why a child might be having an off day, trouble focusing, etc. My children were adults when I was diagnosed as Stage IV and it was still hard.  I kept them in the loop on everything.  However…they're older.  There are many people on this board who will be able to suggest and tell you how they handled their conversations with their younger children.   On that note….  In 2013 I had a brain tumor removed, a tumor on my spine,  a couple in my lungs and many elsewhere.  Thanks to great doctors, faith, support, and Keytruda, here I am in remission.   On this Mother's Day, I pray that you will have a long and healthy life.  There's plenty of hope for Melanoma patients!

Blessings to you…Terrie

I agree with Ed's response.  Separately, as I've written before, when I was diagnosed Stage IV, we immediately sought out a child therapist for my daughter (then 4).  The therapist also helped us with the interactions with the school.  I also agree with the comment to the effect that your "cancer news" is simply outside of the scope of experience of some people.  In my experience, forgiving them quickly (you'll meet more of them) inures to your own mental and emotional benefit.