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Just venting….

Forums General Melanoma Community Just venting….

  • Post
    Wendi Lynn
    Participant

    Hi All!

    Anyone else out there sick of answering the question "how do you feel" or some version of that??  I love that these people care enough to ask, but I'm tired of answering.  On top of which, when I tell someone how I really feel they have nothing to say or couldn't even begin to know what hell this is.  Even with my husband….he will ask me throughout the day how I'm feeling and I just say fine, because I don't want to sound like a complainer. 

    Hi All!

    Anyone else out there sick of answering the question "how do you feel" or some version of that??  I love that these people care enough to ask, but I'm tired of answering.  On top of which, when I tell someone how I really feel they have nothing to say or couldn't even begin to know what hell this is.  Even with my husband….he will ask me throughout the day how I'm feeling and I just say fine, because I don't want to sound like a complainer. 

    My other gripe is I have done everything I can to pretend that I'm fine around my family when I'd really rather stay in bed and sleep all day or even take a leave of absence from work just to not have to do anything for awhile.  (I'm on month 3 of LD Interferon).  But I fear that my husband, who is so accustomed to us being on the go all the time, would think that I'm giving up – which I would never do.  This, of course, is my fault because I have been holding up the last 4 months just "fine". 

    I think that's why I love this place so much.  I can read about how others are feeling, what they are experiencing and learn about what I'm feeling or experiencing.  So, for that, thank you!  Although I may not post often, I check the board daily and feel as though I know some of you.  I cry with you and happy dance with you and bite my nails during anxious moments with you.  And I know that you can relate to what I'm saying, sadly enough, but thats why I consider this place so special. 

    Thanks for listening!  Keep on fighting!

    Wendi

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  • Replies
      RMcLegal
      Participant

      Wendi, I'm seven years or so out of biochemo treatment for Stage IIIc (healthy and NED!).  So, it's been a while since I walked in your shoes but I sure do remember exactly how you're feeling right now.  I've blogged about the lighter side of my journey at http://www.hotelmelanoma.blogspot.com.  It's mostly all for fun, but one of the few serious "short essays" I've written is about "Talking about Cancer" at the tail end of the first blog post last year.  You might enjoy that piece right now and find it worth sharing with your spouse and friends.  Take care of yourself and cut yourself some slack– you don't have to be "fine" all the time when you're really not. 

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      RMcLegal
      Participant

      Wendi, I'm seven years or so out of biochemo treatment for Stage IIIc (healthy and NED!).  So, it's been a while since I walked in your shoes but I sure do remember exactly how you're feeling right now.  I've blogged about the lighter side of my journey at http://www.hotelmelanoma.blogspot.com.  It's mostly all for fun, but one of the few serious "short essays" I've written is about "Talking about Cancer" at the tail end of the first blog post last year.  You might enjoy that piece right now and find it worth sharing with your spouse and friends.  Take care of yourself and cut yourself some slack– you don't have to be "fine" all the time when you're really not. 

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      KellieSue
      Participant

      Vent away. That's what this place is for. I know how frustrating and down you can get.

      My hubby asks me all the time how I am. I mainly say fine but somedays I do say, shitty, really really shitty. And it's okay and totally normal to feel that way! Cause what we are going through is shitty!

      Kellie(from Iowa) Stage IV on B-RAF

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      KellieSue
      Participant

      Vent away. That's what this place is for. I know how frustrating and down you can get.

      My hubby asks me all the time how I am. I mainly say fine but somedays I do say, shitty, really really shitty. And it's okay and totally normal to feel that way! Cause what we are going through is shitty!

      Kellie(from Iowa) Stage IV on B-RAF

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      Phil S
      Participant

      Wendi       Vent away!  I also read this Board daily, and get strength from the support we all give each other here.  Just know you aren't ever alone in this battle or in your feelings towards this horrible disease and its "treatment".  My husband has two months left to complete his year of interferon, and I also know that I ask him how he is doing/feeling way too often, because he is so quiet!  He also says just fine, but I know that we both worry about the future and what it holds for us and our kids. 

      As I am sure you do, we have ups and downs throughout our days, but try to take one day at a time.  So, get extra rest whenever you can and tell your husband and family when you are feeling crappy, I am sure they will all understand  and actually expect you to have some low moments.  God Bless!!             Valerie (Phil's Wife)

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      Phil S
      Participant

      Wendi       Vent away!  I also read this Board daily, and get strength from the support we all give each other here.  Just know you aren't ever alone in this battle or in your feelings towards this horrible disease and its "treatment".  My husband has two months left to complete his year of interferon, and I also know that I ask him how he is doing/feeling way too often, because he is so quiet!  He also says just fine, but I know that we both worry about the future and what it holds for us and our kids. 

      As I am sure you do, we have ups and downs throughout our days, but try to take one day at a time.  So, get extra rest whenever you can and tell your husband and family when you are feeling crappy, I am sure they will all understand  and actually expect you to have some low moments.  God Bless!!             Valerie (Phil's Wife)

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      triciad
      Participant

      Wendi,

      This is the place to come when you need to talk to someone who really understands what you are going through and really knows what if feels like.  Interferon is extremely tiring, and I suggest you listen to your body.  If it tells you to sleep…then sleep.  It's not giving up; it's giving your body the best chance to fight this disease.  The Interferon is so toxic, and your body craves the sleep to recharge its batteries.  Please don't overdue it.

      I finished my year of Interferon October 30th.  I think that I was able to last the whole year because I slept all night, every night.  I know how you feel about putting on a good face for the family, but do it with the sleep you need.

      Good luck and keep up the fight.  We're all pulling for you!

      Tricia

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        dawn dion
        Participant

        Are you kidding!  I HATE .it when people ask me that, makes me want to throw a brick at something!  Don't get me wrong I know people care but  I have chosen to tell all of 4 people and they don't include my extended family.

        1) Because I have been this road before.  I lost my mother 2 1/2 yrs ago to breast cancer, so the extended family really don't need to do this again, until there is something know about.   It would annoy me to watch everyone  go up to her and ask how she was doing constantly, then they would back away because they either really weren't interested, didn't know what to say or didn't know how to handle it, and get that oh poor you look on there face.

        2) Because I am sick of people telling me (the ones that know) what I should be doing – when they know absolutely nothing about what is actually happening and in large part because they really don't listen when I try to explain. 

        So when I need to go somewhere that people understand me I come here, I vent, I read, I learn, I cheer for some and I pray for others.  I get scared and I get the courage to move forward.   Before finding this forum I really was ignorant to this monster and now, although I am still not happy about being in this boat I have learned to be more comfortable in it and how better to live with it.

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        dawn dion
        Participant

        Are you kidding!  I HATE .it when people ask me that, makes me want to throw a brick at something!  Don't get me wrong I know people care but  I have chosen to tell all of 4 people and they don't include my extended family.

        1) Because I have been this road before.  I lost my mother 2 1/2 yrs ago to breast cancer, so the extended family really don't need to do this again, until there is something know about.   It would annoy me to watch everyone  go up to her and ask how she was doing constantly, then they would back away because they either really weren't interested, didn't know what to say or didn't know how to handle it, and get that oh poor you look on there face.

        2) Because I am sick of people telling me (the ones that know) what I should be doing – when they know absolutely nothing about what is actually happening and in large part because they really don't listen when I try to explain. 

        So when I need to go somewhere that people understand me I come here, I vent, I read, I learn, I cheer for some and I pray for others.  I get scared and I get the courage to move forward.   Before finding this forum I really was ignorant to this monster and now, although I am still not happy about being in this boat I have learned to be more comfortable in it and how better to live with it.

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      triciad
      Participant

      Wendi,

      This is the place to come when you need to talk to someone who really understands what you are going through and really knows what if feels like.  Interferon is extremely tiring, and I suggest you listen to your body.  If it tells you to sleep…then sleep.  It's not giving up; it's giving your body the best chance to fight this disease.  The Interferon is so toxic, and your body craves the sleep to recharge its batteries.  Please don't overdue it.

      I finished my year of Interferon October 30th.  I think that I was able to last the whole year because I slept all night, every night.  I know how you feel about putting on a good face for the family, but do it with the sleep you need.

      Good luck and keep up the fight.  We're all pulling for you!

      Tricia

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      deirgey
      Participant

      Hi Wendi, my father is Stage IV and going through his first treatment.  I appreciate you venting b/c now I know not to do these things!  I ask him all the time how he's doing b/c I want to know from day to day what he's going through and that we are thinking of him.  He's feeling pretty sick from this treatment.  I really want to know what helps you through this every day and what somebody in my position can do to help.  I don't live close but we try to visit frequently… although they have not really wanted any visitors lately.  Any suggestions would be appreciated!  Thank you and wishing you the best.

      Deidre Grief, Father Stage IV

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        Wendi Lynn
        Participant

        Deidre,

        I think everyone is different.  Your dad may enjoy the company, but doesn't want to talk much and therefore chooses not to have visitors.  And we, as patients, know the things that we SHOULD be doing, but sometimes it's just not possible.  Eating, for instance.  We know that our caregivers want us to eat, but sometimes we can't or just don't want to.  I really don't have any advice for you except to be there for him if he needs something.  Make sure he knows that you'd do anything, so he shouldn't hesitate to ask.  Best of luck!

         

        Wendi

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        Wendi Lynn
        Participant

        Deidre,

        I think everyone is different.  Your dad may enjoy the company, but doesn't want to talk much and therefore chooses not to have visitors.  And we, as patients, know the things that we SHOULD be doing, but sometimes it's just not possible.  Eating, for instance.  We know that our caregivers want us to eat, but sometimes we can't or just don't want to.  I really don't have any advice for you except to be there for him if he needs something.  Make sure he knows that you'd do anything, so he shouldn't hesitate to ask.  Best of luck!

         

        Wendi

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      deirgey
      Participant

      Hi Wendi, my father is Stage IV and going through his first treatment.  I appreciate you venting b/c now I know not to do these things!  I ask him all the time how he's doing b/c I want to know from day to day what he's going through and that we are thinking of him.  He's feeling pretty sick from this treatment.  I really want to know what helps you through this every day and what somebody in my position can do to help.  I don't live close but we try to visit frequently… although they have not really wanted any visitors lately.  Any suggestions would be appreciated!  Thank you and wishing you the best.

      Deidre Grief, Father Stage IV

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      mom3girlsFL
      Participant

      Wendi,

      Wow, you wrote exactly what I feeling last year!  Vent all you want, your feelings and emotions are so real!  Put on a "happy face", get out of bed, act as though everything is A-OK…bullsh*t!  This sucks – the uncertainty, being scared, feeling alone, wanting to just sleep and not wake up b/c that's the only time you don't have to deal with everyone and everything.

      Know what else? You are so strong, more than even you probably could have imagined!  YOU will get through this b/c YOU know that deep down inside this disease is not going to win!  My theory was always how I acted/behaved was how people were going to treat me – so I put on my smiling face, said I was OK, did things with my family (even the beach), as best as I could and when I needed to vent and scream, I came here.  Mostly just read other posts, but it helped.

      Hang in there.  You can do this.

      Laurie

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        Laurie from maine
        Participant

        Hi,

        Ha I also remember how it felt to be asked how I was doing.  But I could see people really just wanted me to respond "fine"  I found I also continued to be a "trooper" and act like I was fine but it was tough and definitely took some afternoons for a long needed nap, hope you do the same.    I would probably had preferred if people had asked if there was something they could do – for me cooking would have helped, not for me but for my family so I didnt have to look at food ugh – a lot of food tasted really awful to me (during the low dose interferon time) .  Good luck – and yes vent away :)

        laurie from maine

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        Laurie from maine
        Participant

        Hi,

        Ha I also remember how it felt to be asked how I was doing.  But I could see people really just wanted me to respond "fine"  I found I also continued to be a "trooper" and act like I was fine but it was tough and definitely took some afternoons for a long needed nap, hope you do the same.    I would probably had preferred if people had asked if there was something they could do – for me cooking would have helped, not for me but for my family so I didnt have to look at food ugh – a lot of food tasted really awful to me (during the low dose interferon time) .  Good luck – and yes vent away :)

        laurie from maine

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      mom3girlsFL
      Participant

      Wendi,

      Wow, you wrote exactly what I feeling last year!  Vent all you want, your feelings and emotions are so real!  Put on a "happy face", get out of bed, act as though everything is A-OK…bullsh*t!  This sucks – the uncertainty, being scared, feeling alone, wanting to just sleep and not wake up b/c that's the only time you don't have to deal with everyone and everything.

      Know what else? You are so strong, more than even you probably could have imagined!  YOU will get through this b/c YOU know that deep down inside this disease is not going to win!  My theory was always how I acted/behaved was how people were going to treat me – so I put on my smiling face, said I was OK, did things with my family (even the beach), as best as I could and when I needed to vent and scream, I came here.  Mostly just read other posts, but it helped.

      Hang in there.  You can do this.

      Laurie

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      glewis923
      Participant

      Yes, indeed.  Also the reverse:  "Your "color" looks good!" (????), "you look like you're doin' great", "my aunt/g-ma/sister/ 100th cousin 3 times removed had something like this, and she's 500 yrs. old now", etc.  I know people care, but YES it gets old quickly.  I do not enjoy this kinda attention.  "I will pray for them"….and ALL of us for that matter !!

       

      Love, Grady.  

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      glewis923
      Participant

      Yes, indeed.  Also the reverse:  "Your "color" looks good!" (????), "you look like you're doin' great", "my aunt/g-ma/sister/ 100th cousin 3 times removed had something like this, and she's 500 yrs. old now", etc.  I know people care, but YES it gets old quickly.  I do not enjoy this kinda attention.  "I will pray for them"….and ALL of us for that matter !!

       

      Love, Grady.  

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      Melanoma Mom
      Participant

      We didn't even realize we were doing it, but my husband and I would ask our 15 year old son (the one with Melanoma) if he needed anything, if he felt OK, etc. and after he would answer, we would say something like, "Are you sure?" He finally asked us if we could please honor his first answer and not immediately ask again! I catch myself sometimes ….. but I don't ask twice. If he doesn't want a drink, he doesn't want a drink! enlightened It's hard, because we just want to make it better for him.

      I have found that our Caringbridge site has dramatically slowed down the "How are you?" questions and I highly recommend the site for keeping family and friends up to date. Before I wrote it for our son, I had countless people wanting updates each day and now they can just check the blog. It's great! If the patient doesn't feel like writing it, a friend or family member can do it.

      As a stage 4 thyroid cancer survivor, and now the mother of a child battling melanoma, I cherish everyone's care, concern and prayers. I have learned that this world is full of loving, compassionate people. When my son was diagnosed, I told him that he would get the "cancer look" from people, as well as really stupid things said to him.  For example, I had someone tell me in 1994 to check if I was allergic to latex before surgery in case I went into shock during my thyroidectomy and possibly could die! BUT – all these crazy looks and comments are said out of concern and love so we cancer warriors just have to roll with it. It's kind of like an inside joke. ;)

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      Melanoma Mom
      Participant

      We didn't even realize we were doing it, but my husband and I would ask our 15 year old son (the one with Melanoma) if he needed anything, if he felt OK, etc. and after he would answer, we would say something like, "Are you sure?" He finally asked us if we could please honor his first answer and not immediately ask again! I catch myself sometimes ….. but I don't ask twice. If he doesn't want a drink, he doesn't want a drink! enlightened It's hard, because we just want to make it better for him.

      I have found that our Caringbridge site has dramatically slowed down the "How are you?" questions and I highly recommend the site for keeping family and friends up to date. Before I wrote it for our son, I had countless people wanting updates each day and now they can just check the blog. It's great! If the patient doesn't feel like writing it, a friend or family member can do it.

      As a stage 4 thyroid cancer survivor, and now the mother of a child battling melanoma, I cherish everyone's care, concern and prayers. I have learned that this world is full of loving, compassionate people. When my son was diagnosed, I told him that he would get the "cancer look" from people, as well as really stupid things said to him.  For example, I had someone tell me in 1994 to check if I was allergic to latex before surgery in case I went into shock during my thyroidectomy and possibly could die! BUT – all these crazy looks and comments are said out of concern and love so we cancer warriors just have to roll with it. It's kind of like an inside joke. ;)

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