› Forums › General Melanoma Community › difficult times
- This topic has 28 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 14 years, 8 months ago by
Jim M..
- Post
-
- May 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm
I guess I am just looking for words of encouragement. Eght months ago when I found out I was pregnant and Derek was on chemo I knew it was not good at all. He had made an appoint last summer for a vasectomy but canceled when he had to have lung suergery and I took birth control. But there we were. He didn't want to have it and understandably so he was on chemo and stage 4 and we have two young kids 4 and 2 now, but int he end I knew i couldn't have an abotrtion and felt very strongly that I was either going to kill him or kill the child with my
I guess I am just looking for words of encouragement. Eght months ago when I found out I was pregnant and Derek was on chemo I knew it was not good at all. He had made an appoint last summer for a vasectomy but canceled when he had to have lung suergery and I took birth control. But there we were. He didn't want to have it and understandably so he was on chemo and stage 4 and we have two young kids 4 and 2 now, but int he end I knew i couldn't have an abotrtion and felt very strongly that I was either going to kill him or kill the child with my decision/. It has been a rough road, we didn't want three kids, now in a couple of weeks we wil have three kids and love them very much, but he is facing death and the stress of everything is weighing on him,. Most of the time he is in a relatviely good frame of mind, we have continued help adn child care but I am worried. His mother made comments int he beginning that I had maybe done this on purpose and recently members of his fmaily have made comments ab out how much stress this new baby will cause and that it is unthinkable this is all happening. I really do at times blame myself and wonder how I will feel if he does die and how much of a part this new baby may have played and my decision to keep it. I can't go back now, but knew I couldn't deal with losing them both and with having an abortion but I am having such an emotional time feelling guilt of what he isgoing thorugh. I really hate life right now and can't heloing feeling responsible for his feelings of stress and his possible deteroiation with melanoma, which I know is happening hnow becasue he feels it.
Very very scared adn upset, Terra.
- Replies
-
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Right or wrong – I read a book in the beginning by a cancer patient who said if you are a spouse of a cancer patient you need to find support in someone other than the patient becasue they are so busy mentally and semotionally supporting themselves through this journey. I believed that and have always tried to remain strong using this board as both hoeful and inspirational as well as keeping myself informed about melanoma inorder to be helpful to him in all ways. His family has said to me that I need to remember that we are all going through this and have made commentst that its not just derek. My feeling and Ihaven't said this to them but is to remain strong for him and try to be a rock, i do break down occasionly and get frustrated and we do stilll have arguments etc, but I have over the years tried to give him a break and most times turn away from hurtful commetns or try to just move on and keep them in context. He doesn't get a free ride but surely he deserves that sometimes. Isn't this about him right now and not us. I feel it will be about us all we awant if and when soemthing happens to derek.
Terra
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm
You might want to look for a caregiver support group through your doctor or cancer center. I have heard they can be really helpful.
What you are going through is so much more than just cancer. All the family stuff. I don't think anyone should every regret having a child, although the timing may look a bit unfortunate right now.
I would look into other kinds of outside help, maybe a pastor or close friend who you can bounce this stuff off of. You need to vent and have your feelings validated. I only read this one post and am almost crying for you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. This site is wonderful but I think you need girlfriend HUGS.
And as for the in-laws and other relatives. Unless you have had a really good close relationship with them in the past, tune them out. Yes, everyone is hurting but we don't have to let others verbally or emotionally abuse us.
What it took me 35 years and 4 marriage counselors to learn: Just because we are related, doesn't mean I have to spend time with them, like them, or listen to them.
Nicki, Stage 3b, scalp
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Dear Terra,
I can understand how you are feeling right now, as there is so much going on and as you bring a new life into this world it is so sad that your husband may not live long. You and the other people who posted above have good insight and suggestions into your situation. It is hard having children (I have four bio and one step) and I have agonized every time about what was I doing bringing a child into this world, with the state of affairs that we are in, politics, war, etc….but that has been my mothering instinct to protect. I think that the new baby is a gift, and will be a cherished new addition to your family even as you grieve the future. You can be a great mom even if you are a single mom. You need a good support of friends, if family cant be there for you (my family lives 90 minutes away and is very critical). Since I didnt have family help I cultivated a good network between local friends and co workers, and raised four kids on my own since my daughter was an infant 10 months old.
Dont let comments from family get to you, you are right to just ignore things, as hard as it is. Derek is fighting the battle of his life and is worrying about how will you manage if he is not here. That is a normal worry given this situation. You have many emotions right now and your pregnancy hormones also are affecting your emotions too. Terra, its ok to lean on us, and also find some mother groups, a counselor, etc.
Please keep coming back and updating us and sharing with us. If you want, email me for my phone number, you can call me anytime.
BIG HUGS,
Vermont_Donna, stage 3a, NED
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Dear Terra,
I can understand how you are feeling right now, as there is so much going on and as you bring a new life into this world it is so sad that your husband may not live long. You and the other people who posted above have good insight and suggestions into your situation. It is hard having children (I have four bio and one step) and I have agonized every time about what was I doing bringing a child into this world, with the state of affairs that we are in, politics, war, etc….but that has been my mothering instinct to protect. I think that the new baby is a gift, and will be a cherished new addition to your family even as you grieve the future. You can be a great mom even if you are a single mom. You need a good support of friends, if family cant be there for you (my family lives 90 minutes away and is very critical). Since I didnt have family help I cultivated a good network between local friends and co workers, and raised four kids on my own since my daughter was an infant 10 months old.
Dont let comments from family get to you, you are right to just ignore things, as hard as it is. Derek is fighting the battle of his life and is worrying about how will you manage if he is not here. That is a normal worry given this situation. You have many emotions right now and your pregnancy hormones also are affecting your emotions too. Terra, its ok to lean on us, and also find some mother groups, a counselor, etc.
Please keep coming back and updating us and sharing with us. If you want, email me for my phone number, you can call me anytime.
BIG HUGS,
Vermont_Donna, stage 3a, NED
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm
You might want to look for a caregiver support group through your doctor or cancer center. I have heard they can be really helpful.
What you are going through is so much more than just cancer. All the family stuff. I don't think anyone should every regret having a child, although the timing may look a bit unfortunate right now.
I would look into other kinds of outside help, maybe a pastor or close friend who you can bounce this stuff off of. You need to vent and have your feelings validated. I only read this one post and am almost crying for you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. This site is wonderful but I think you need girlfriend HUGS.
And as for the in-laws and other relatives. Unless you have had a really good close relationship with them in the past, tune them out. Yes, everyone is hurting but we don't have to let others verbally or emotionally abuse us.
What it took me 35 years and 4 marriage counselors to learn: Just because we are related, doesn't mean I have to spend time with them, like them, or listen to them.
Nicki, Stage 3b, scalp
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Terra, I have some idea of how you might be feeling. This horrible disease can really
throw our lives into chaos. Having a spouse who is stage 4 is an enormous challenge for
anyone, and you are coping as well as can be possibly expected.Please don't feel guilty for what Derek is going through. Some things are simply out of
our control. You are doing all that can be expected from anyone in this situation.I don't understand why his mother said what she has. It sounds like she is trying make you
into a scapegoat for some unknown reason. Some people react to situations like this by
blaming doctors, nurses, spouses or whoever comes to mind. So, try to put some distance
between you and her.The arrival of a new baby should be motivation for everyone to have hope for the future.
Perhaps things will get better soon.Do you have someone outside the family who you can talk to such as a doctor, nurse or
minister of religion?Remember that we are all here to help you, so don't hesitate to post your concerns.
Take care
Frank from Australia
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Terra, I have some idea of how you might be feeling. This horrible disease can really
throw our lives into chaos. Having a spouse who is stage 4 is an enormous challenge for
anyone, and you are coping as well as can be possibly expected.Please don't feel guilty for what Derek is going through. Some things are simply out of
our control. You are doing all that can be expected from anyone in this situation.I don't understand why his mother said what she has. It sounds like she is trying make you
into a scapegoat for some unknown reason. Some people react to situations like this by
blaming doctors, nurses, spouses or whoever comes to mind. So, try to put some distance
between you and her.The arrival of a new baby should be motivation for everyone to have hope for the future.
Perhaps things will get better soon.Do you have someone outside the family who you can talk to such as a doctor, nurse or
minister of religion?Remember that we are all here to help you, so don't hesitate to post your concerns.
Take care
Frank from Australia
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Right or wrong – I read a book in the beginning by a cancer patient who said if you are a spouse of a cancer patient you need to find support in someone other than the patient becasue they are so busy mentally and semotionally supporting themselves through this journey. I believed that and have always tried to remain strong using this board as both hoeful and inspirational as well as keeping myself informed about melanoma inorder to be helpful to him in all ways. His family has said to me that I need to remember that we are all going through this and have made commentst that its not just derek. My feeling and Ihaven't said this to them but is to remain strong for him and try to be a rock, i do break down occasionly and get frustrated and we do stilll have arguments etc, but I have over the years tried to give him a break and most times turn away from hurtful commetns or try to just move on and keep them in context. He doesn't get a free ride but surely he deserves that sometimes. Isn't this about him right now and not us. I feel it will be about us all we awant if and when soemthing happens to derek.
Terra
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Terra,
There's a lot of territory to cover here, friend, so bear with me.
ONE, and this is huge, don't let his mother and other family get to you and place any guilt or blame on you. My hunch is they are speaking out of their own sense of grief…anger is part of grieving and she is grieving over her son. Unfortunately, she's lashing out at you. I hate to say it, but even though you're in a fragile place, you need something of a thick skin so you don't take it personally…which is the normal way to take that, personally. Just try hard not to, even if you have to distance yourself from them. This is her grandchild and a part of her son. Give them time.
TWO, and this is huge, what your husband is going through is NOT YOUR fault!!!! Please don't take on undeserved, unmerited guilt. He is dying and with that comes a great deal that is totally unexpected, and often totally out of character for the one who is dying. My guess is that his stress is coming from leaving you. Period. This isn't what you two planned when you got married. This isn't what should be for your family. But this is what you have to deal with. As he gets further along, this may well change. As he breaks his ties with this world, he may well see things differently, especially if you can muster the courage to let him know that the four of you will be OK and manage. Review and make plans of how the four of you (you and 3 children) will make it so he can see that he has provided well and is leaving you sound financially and emotionally (even if it's not so, but your brave face on and give him as much peace as you can about the future). This isn't just about him, it is about all of you. While he's the one physically dying, your life together is dying, your dreams for your future…all that is changing. Your role and identity as Derek's wife is changing. Your family structure is changing. This isn't just about him. You're in this together.
THREE, and this is huge, as for this coming baby, the two of you did what you could NOT to have a third child. And, frankly, all of that is nobody's business besides yours and Derek's. You owe no one any explanation of use of birth control or planned vasectomies that didin't happen for a good reason. May I suggest reframing this? Instead of "didn't want," try "didn't plan." If you let people know you "didn't want" this child, then one day those words can come back to haunt you and this child may learn he or she wasn't wanted. Wasn't "planned" may be a better way to phrase it.
Don't blame an innocent baby. This baby is the result of two stable parents who love each other and while they did what they could NOT to have another baby, what they DID do resulted in one! Get me? You'll find Derek in the child the two of you created. Family needs to remember that Derek showed up and has a big part in this child coming and will always be part of this child…which you said you two love dearly.
I don't know what your faith perspective is, but there are many, including myself, that will tell you that while the two of you didin't plan on another child…especially at this time…that God did plan for this child and for a reason that you have yet to see. This child is not a mistake or accident but has a purpose. Maybe God's reminding you that in death there is still life and life will go on. Maybe this child will be more like Derek than you can imagine a child being, or the perfect combination of the two of you.
I know of similar stories, where the mother resented the unplanned child that was born after her husband died, and it didin't take long for her to be grateful for the child and to see this child as a particular blessing.
May you and Derek love this child as a child of your love even in the face of death. Death hasn't had the last word nor will it. Derek will live on, in his children, in your heart.
And Derek is alive. Facing death, but not yet. Love him and may the two of you find joy in each other and in all three of your children. May family and friends deal with their grief in ways that don't compound yours. And may you find strength and hope in God.
Lord, in Your mercy, You Who loves and cares for us, born and unborn, enable Terra and Derek to see Your blessings in this child. Relieve the stresses they feel and show them how You have already provided. Help Derek's Mom find solace in her pain. And God, please release Terra from the guilt she's putting on herself, the blame she feels. Grant them Your strength, peace, compassion, and mercy at this time. Amen.
Grace and peace to you, Terra,
Carol
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Terra,
There's a lot of territory to cover here, friend, so bear with me.
ONE, and this is huge, don't let his mother and other family get to you and place any guilt or blame on you. My hunch is they are speaking out of their own sense of grief…anger is part of grieving and she is grieving over her son. Unfortunately, she's lashing out at you. I hate to say it, but even though you're in a fragile place, you need something of a thick skin so you don't take it personally…which is the normal way to take that, personally. Just try hard not to, even if you have to distance yourself from them. This is her grandchild and a part of her son. Give them time.
TWO, and this is huge, what your husband is going through is NOT YOUR fault!!!! Please don't take on undeserved, unmerited guilt. He is dying and with that comes a great deal that is totally unexpected, and often totally out of character for the one who is dying. My guess is that his stress is coming from leaving you. Period. This isn't what you two planned when you got married. This isn't what should be for your family. But this is what you have to deal with. As he gets further along, this may well change. As he breaks his ties with this world, he may well see things differently, especially if you can muster the courage to let him know that the four of you will be OK and manage. Review and make plans of how the four of you (you and 3 children) will make it so he can see that he has provided well and is leaving you sound financially and emotionally (even if it's not so, but your brave face on and give him as much peace as you can about the future). This isn't just about him, it is about all of you. While he's the one physically dying, your life together is dying, your dreams for your future…all that is changing. Your role and identity as Derek's wife is changing. Your family structure is changing. This isn't just about him. You're in this together.
THREE, and this is huge, as for this coming baby, the two of you did what you could NOT to have a third child. And, frankly, all of that is nobody's business besides yours and Derek's. You owe no one any explanation of use of birth control or planned vasectomies that didin't happen for a good reason. May I suggest reframing this? Instead of "didn't want," try "didn't plan." If you let people know you "didn't want" this child, then one day those words can come back to haunt you and this child may learn he or she wasn't wanted. Wasn't "planned" may be a better way to phrase it.
Don't blame an innocent baby. This baby is the result of two stable parents who love each other and while they did what they could NOT to have another baby, what they DID do resulted in one! Get me? You'll find Derek in the child the two of you created. Family needs to remember that Derek showed up and has a big part in this child coming and will always be part of this child…which you said you two love dearly.
I don't know what your faith perspective is, but there are many, including myself, that will tell you that while the two of you didin't plan on another child…especially at this time…that God did plan for this child and for a reason that you have yet to see. This child is not a mistake or accident but has a purpose. Maybe God's reminding you that in death there is still life and life will go on. Maybe this child will be more like Derek than you can imagine a child being, or the perfect combination of the two of you.
I know of similar stories, where the mother resented the unplanned child that was born after her husband died, and it didin't take long for her to be grateful for the child and to see this child as a particular blessing.
May you and Derek love this child as a child of your love even in the face of death. Death hasn't had the last word nor will it. Derek will live on, in his children, in your heart.
And Derek is alive. Facing death, but not yet. Love him and may the two of you find joy in each other and in all three of your children. May family and friends deal with their grief in ways that don't compound yours. And may you find strength and hope in God.
Lord, in Your mercy, You Who loves and cares for us, born and unborn, enable Terra and Derek to see Your blessings in this child. Relieve the stresses they feel and show them how You have already provided. Help Derek's Mom find solace in her pain. And God, please release Terra from the guilt she's putting on herself, the blame she feels. Grant them Your strength, peace, compassion, and mercy at this time. Amen.
Grace and peace to you, Terra,
Carol
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Terra,
When my husband was diagnosed Stage IV our boys were 2 and 4. I was trying so hard to keep it together and honestly I felt like my family was not a lot of help, but what I forgot was that it was not only my husband but my mother-in-laws son who had Stage IV melanoma. She was just distraught and really couldn't help us, most of the time she was in denial.
It was a really hard time, I had these little guys and my husband was in and out of the hospital for the majority of two years and when he wasn't in the hospital he was home recuperating. I was working to try and keep our house, it was just a nightmare. The debt was a whole other equation of stress. No one in your family will no what your going through unless they have experienced it themselves. They are not living the day to day experience.
I'm praying for you that whatever treatment Derek does works, but I think a baby is a blessing and I certainly wish I had another child. The other way to look at this is whatever happens may have happened anyway and then you might have no additional child and a husband with Stage IV melanoma. If it were me I would not have been able to deal with terminating the child so if your looking for an opinion, I would have done the same.
Praying for you and Derek.
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Terra,
When my husband was diagnosed Stage IV our boys were 2 and 4. I was trying so hard to keep it together and honestly I felt like my family was not a lot of help, but what I forgot was that it was not only my husband but my mother-in-laws son who had Stage IV melanoma. She was just distraught and really couldn't help us, most of the time she was in denial.
It was a really hard time, I had these little guys and my husband was in and out of the hospital for the majority of two years and when he wasn't in the hospital he was home recuperating. I was working to try and keep our house, it was just a nightmare. The debt was a whole other equation of stress. No one in your family will no what your going through unless they have experienced it themselves. They are not living the day to day experience.
I'm praying for you that whatever treatment Derek does works, but I think a baby is a blessing and I certainly wish I had another child. The other way to look at this is whatever happens may have happened anyway and then you might have no additional child and a husband with Stage IV melanoma. If it were me I would not have been able to deal with terminating the child so if your looking for an opinion, I would have done the same.
Praying for you and Derek.
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Terra, a child is gift from God…You were on birth control,it appears….this child was meant to be…maybe as a gift from God to help you deal with what is to come in the future. Whatever, a child is a blessing. My daughter got pregant with her 3rd while nursing a 3 month old and was also on a birth control mini pill…..She was meant to be here, and what a blessing…yes, thery are only 12 months apart. But , I fell God intended her to be here. And it seems to me, that God maybe intended your 3rd child to be here, for whatever reason He has. Don't listen to others…Of course, you could not do an abortion, the child is a part of you and your husband. You will make it just fine. Please put God in your life and he will lead you.
Next week Jim, will have been gone 6 months. It still almost takes my breath away. I do not know how I have made it from day to day, but somehow I have…I am holding tightly to God's hand, and he is walking this painful journey with me. Someday, I hope to come out on the other side…Who knows when this will be.
Again, God be with you and your precious family. Don't let other put a damper of the birth of this gift from God.
Take Care,
Sherron,wife to Jim FOREVER
-
- May 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Terra, a child is gift from God…You were on birth control,it appears….this child was meant to be…maybe as a gift from God to help you deal with what is to come in the future. Whatever, a child is a blessing. My daughter got pregant with her 3rd while nursing a 3 month old and was also on a birth control mini pill…..She was meant to be here, and what a blessing…yes, thery are only 12 months apart. But , I fell God intended her to be here. And it seems to me, that God maybe intended your 3rd child to be here, for whatever reason He has. Don't listen to others…Of course, you could not do an abortion, the child is a part of you and your husband. You will make it just fine. Please put God in your life and he will lead you.
Next week Jim, will have been gone 6 months. It still almost takes my breath away. I do not know how I have made it from day to day, but somehow I have…I am holding tightly to God's hand, and he is walking this painful journey with me. Someday, I hope to come out on the other side…Who knows when this will be.
Again, God be with you and your precious family. Don't let other put a damper of the birth of this gift from God.
Take Care,
Sherron,wife to Jim FOREVER
-
- May 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Terra,
My in-laws live a mile away. We have to set very firm boundaries, particularly with my mother-in-law. I'm the one that's stage IV, and I don't need her drama "oh, what if you die and leave those kids behind". Not helpful, as you are painfully aware.
Derek's mom is in her own pain. Is there a way that she could spend time with him (IF she's not a toxic attitude such as I've noted above), and you either take a break away from the house while she's there, or are not around when she's there? She could still be with Derek, possibly your little ones (maybe a break for you, too?), but YOU wouldn't be defending against her remarks or attitude?
Life is simply unfair! It seems so wrong to see so many tightly woven familes being changed by melanoma. But, as I've explained to our four kids, life isn't fair. Notice I said families "changed", not destroyed? You must find a way to cope mentally, to find your own peace as you are able in an impossible situation. Toddlers are tough, a very ill husband is tough, being pregnant is tough. You are truly in a tough place, but you CAN and WILL get through it. It won't be pretty, or easy, or fair, but you can do this.
My sister was a suicide, right after our second son was born. Having a baby to hold and rock, keeping the two boys on a normal schedule, and so on, were the only things that kept us going at that time. Literally, the boys were the BEST part of a terrible time in our lives.
Please know there are many who are lifting you in prayer. If you are like many of us, you'd rather eat ground glass than ask for help. Well, get over it! Now's the time to ask, and to take, AND to allow others to love on your whole family and share your pain. You'll be surprised how many people want to help, if you can only allow yourself to ask. Even to watch the little ones while you take a walk alone, or run to the store, or do whatever you need to do to stay sane.
Take it one hour at a time. Sometimes, that's just all anyone can manage. And that's ok.
TracyLee
Stage IV – scalp/neck/lungs
-
- May 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Terra,
My in-laws live a mile away. We have to set very firm boundaries, particularly with my mother-in-law. I'm the one that's stage IV, and I don't need her drama "oh, what if you die and leave those kids behind". Not helpful, as you are painfully aware.
Derek's mom is in her own pain. Is there a way that she could spend time with him (IF she's not a toxic attitude such as I've noted above), and you either take a break away from the house while she's there, or are not around when she's there? She could still be with Derek, possibly your little ones (maybe a break for you, too?), but YOU wouldn't be defending against her remarks or attitude?
Life is simply unfair! It seems so wrong to see so many tightly woven familes being changed by melanoma. But, as I've explained to our four kids, life isn't fair. Notice I said families "changed", not destroyed? You must find a way to cope mentally, to find your own peace as you are able in an impossible situation. Toddlers are tough, a very ill husband is tough, being pregnant is tough. You are truly in a tough place, but you CAN and WILL get through it. It won't be pretty, or easy, or fair, but you can do this.
My sister was a suicide, right after our second son was born. Having a baby to hold and rock, keeping the two boys on a normal schedule, and so on, were the only things that kept us going at that time. Literally, the boys were the BEST part of a terrible time in our lives.
Please know there are many who are lifting you in prayer. If you are like many of us, you'd rather eat ground glass than ask for help. Well, get over it! Now's the time to ask, and to take, AND to allow others to love on your whole family and share your pain. You'll be surprised how many people want to help, if you can only allow yourself to ask. Even to watch the little ones while you take a walk alone, or run to the store, or do whatever you need to do to stay sane.
Take it one hour at a time. Sometimes, that's just all anyone can manage. And that's ok.
TracyLee
Stage IV – scalp/neck/lungs
-
- May 24, 2011 at 4:31 pm
It is the stress from the cancer and nothing else that is really wreaking havoc and causing people to say things they shouldn't (your in-laws). Not having had the child would not cure the melanoma. You are doing the best you can with a tremendously hard situation .
Sometimes other friends and family members expect the caregiver to somehow 'fix' things. If the patient gets worse, we feel responsible. Did we not find the best doctor, the best treatment, the right food, did we not call the hospital when we should have, etc.
What it comes down to – I think – is that we can't cure the damn disease and it tears us up that we can't and we find it easier to blame anyone – even ourselves – than feel totally helpless.
Do everything you can to remind yourself you are doing the very best possible in ghastly circumstances, and if possible, let other people do a little taking care of you for a while. Friends or other relatives…keeping you in my thoughts.
Lori
-
- May 24, 2011 at 4:31 pm
It is the stress from the cancer and nothing else that is really wreaking havoc and causing people to say things they shouldn't (your in-laws). Not having had the child would not cure the melanoma. You are doing the best you can with a tremendously hard situation .
Sometimes other friends and family members expect the caregiver to somehow 'fix' things. If the patient gets worse, we feel responsible. Did we not find the best doctor, the best treatment, the right food, did we not call the hospital when we should have, etc.
What it comes down to – I think – is that we can't cure the damn disease and it tears us up that we can't and we find it easier to blame anyone – even ourselves – than feel totally helpless.
Do everything you can to remind yourself you are doing the very best possible in ghastly circumstances, and if possible, let other people do a little taking care of you for a while. Friends or other relatives…keeping you in my thoughts.
Lori
-
- May 24, 2011 at 9:24 pm
Terra:
Everything you are feeling is normal–guilt, second-guessing, fear, uncertainty. Dealing with cancer in yourself or a loved one is enough to amplify these emotions. Being pregnant is also an amplifier of emotions. Put the two together and it would be amazing if you weren't something of an emotional mess.
I hope you have felt the love and support of people who have responded, and I hope that helps. The one thing I would emphasize is that you may need to get some help in sorting all of this out. If this is simply (or not so simply) emotional chaos because of the uncertainty and change in your life then you can possibly resolve the issue. But if it becomes a cycle of depression and despair then you need to get help. I would err on the side of caution. Talk to your OB/GYN about this and see if they have a suggestion. Or find someone else to talk to. You need to be as strong as possible to go through the next weeks and months, and an investment in emotional grounding now might be a very wise investment indeed.
Oh, and on a purely personal note–no-one has the right to second guess your decisions. You have made the best choices you could based on the information and resources avaialbe, and shaped by the love you have for your husband and family. That is all and more than anyone should expect.
Tim–MRF
-
- May 24, 2011 at 9:24 pm
Terra:
Everything you are feeling is normal–guilt, second-guessing, fear, uncertainty. Dealing with cancer in yourself or a loved one is enough to amplify these emotions. Being pregnant is also an amplifier of emotions. Put the two together and it would be amazing if you weren't something of an emotional mess.
I hope you have felt the love and support of people who have responded, and I hope that helps. The one thing I would emphasize is that you may need to get some help in sorting all of this out. If this is simply (or not so simply) emotional chaos because of the uncertainty and change in your life then you can possibly resolve the issue. But if it becomes a cycle of depression and despair then you need to get help. I would err on the side of caution. Talk to your OB/GYN about this and see if they have a suggestion. Or find someone else to talk to. You need to be as strong as possible to go through the next weeks and months, and an investment in emotional grounding now might be a very wise investment indeed.
Oh, and on a purely personal note–no-one has the right to second guess your decisions. You have made the best choices you could based on the information and resources avaialbe, and shaped by the love you have for your husband and family. That is all and more than anyone should expect.
Tim–MRF
-
- May 24, 2011 at 11:15 pm
Dear Terra,
The excellent comments above more than cover what I can say. I hope that they will help you and bring you some comfort. As a former caregiver who had to deal with my husband’s family, I understand how hurtful that can be. Love and cherish the new baby. Best wishes to you and your family.
Jule -
- May 24, 2011 at 11:15 pm
Dear Terra,
The excellent comments above more than cover what I can say. I hope that they will help you and bring you some comfort. As a former caregiver who had to deal with my husband’s family, I understand how hurtful that can be. Love and cherish the new baby. Best wishes to you and your family.
Jule -
- May 25, 2011 at 5:01 am
Dear Terra, Our 3rd boy was not planned and we were in a panic as our other 2 were 4 and 6 years older, our 3rd is now 18 and an incredible young man, we lost our middle boy to Melanoma when he was 20. The unwanted or not planned boy was a gift sent to us by God, i am sure of this.
See your new one as a gift, it will bring you love and light going forward.
best wishes
James
-
- May 25, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Thank-you very much for all of your responses, thoughts, and prayers. This site and the people on it have been such a blessing for us over the past four years, not just for the information, although there is a wealth of incredibly valuable information on this site that I have always tried to stay up-to-date on, but more so for the connection, the inspiration, and the hope it has provided me with.
About two years ago I remember posting another particularly emotional post and there were so many great and helpful responses that I printed them all and folded the papers carefully and put them in my briefcase (where they still are to this day) so I could read them and glean the support from them whenever I needed it – I will do the same with this thread.
Thank-you so very much..
Terra
-
- May 25, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Thank-you very much for all of your responses, thoughts, and prayers. This site and the people on it have been such a blessing for us over the past four years, not just for the information, although there is a wealth of incredibly valuable information on this site that I have always tried to stay up-to-date on, but more so for the connection, the inspiration, and the hope it has provided me with.
About two years ago I remember posting another particularly emotional post and there were so many great and helpful responses that I printed them all and folded the papers carefully and put them in my briefcase (where they still are to this day) so I could read them and glean the support from them whenever I needed it – I will do the same with this thread.
Thank-you so very much..
Terra
-
- May 25, 2011 at 5:01 am
Dear Terra, Our 3rd boy was not planned and we were in a panic as our other 2 were 4 and 6 years older, our 3rd is now 18 and an incredible young man, we lost our middle boy to Melanoma when he was 20. The unwanted or not planned boy was a gift sent to us by God, i am sure of this.
See your new one as a gift, it will bring you love and light going forward.
best wishes
James
-
- May 30, 2011 at 2:59 am
Terra,
I felt guilty after my first wife died in a car crash when our children were 4 and 2. Why couldn't I have prevented it? (and the questions went on and on). I was beating up on myself. All the time my kids needed me but I felt I wasn't a particularly effective father for awhile
It's normal to feel guilty but don't stay there. Find a way to forgive yourself. If you pray take it to God. Like others said seek out support. Once you care for yourself you are better able to care for your 3 children.
God Bless,
Jim M.
-
- May 30, 2011 at 2:59 am
Terra,
I felt guilty after my first wife died in a car crash when our children were 4 and 2. Why couldn't I have prevented it? (and the questions went on and on). I was beating up on myself. All the time my kids needed me but I felt I wasn't a particularly effective father for awhile
It's normal to feel guilty but don't stay there. Find a way to forgive yourself. If you pray take it to God. Like others said seek out support. Once you care for yourself you are better able to care for your 3 children.
God Bless,
Jim M.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.