The information on this site is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Content within the patient forum is user-generated and has not been reviewed by medical professionals. Other sections of the Melanoma Research Foundation website include information that has been reviewed by medical professionals as appropriate. All medical decisions should be made in consultation with your doctor or other qualified medical professional.

Your insights about grieving

Forums General Melanoma Community Your insights about grieving

  • Post
    POW
    Participant

      I just posted on the Off-Topic forum basically asking the question: "Is there is a "healthy" way to grieve?" ( See thread "Confused by my grief counselor".) I know that everyone grieves differently, but should I accept the advice of an experienced hospice grief counselor or should I do what comes naturally to me? I know that other people have lost loved ones in the past but this is the first time for me, so I would appreciate your insights.

      I just posted on the Off-Topic forum basically asking the question: "Is there is a "healthy" way to grieve?" ( See thread "Confused by my grief counselor".) I know that everyone grieves differently, but should I accept the advice of an experienced hospice grief counselor or should I do what comes naturally to me? I know that other people have lost loved ones in the past but this is the first time for me, so I would appreciate your insights.

    Viewing 23 reply threads
    • Replies
        JC
        Participant

          i posted on the off topic forum an article

           

          The Myth of Stages of  Dying, Death and Grief
          By Russell Friedman and John W. James
          JC
          Participant

            i posted on the off topic forum an article

             

            The Myth of Stages of  Dying, Death and Grief
            By Russell Friedman and John W. James
            JC
            Participant

              i posted on the off topic forum an article

               

              The Myth of Stages of  Dying, Death and Grief
              By Russell Friedman and John W. James
                POW
                Participant

                  Thank you!

                  POW
                  Participant

                    Thank you!

                    POW
                    Participant

                      Thank you!

                    Sherron
                    Participant

                      I lost my husband on Nov 30, 2010 to Melanoma.  I am still greiving.  I say do what comes naturally.  It is a different journey for each person…It is extremely painful for me.  Jim passed away 4 days before our 43rd anniversary.  When you have been married that long, it is like devastating.  A part of me died when he did.  I am only 1/2 of a person.  I do not know who I am without him.  I have been to a counselor, taken 2 grief classes, which were good.  But, I really think for each person it is different.  You make progress, steps forward, then boom, 2 steps back.  It is a long process depending on the relatlionship you had to the person.  There is no right or wrong.  It is just what it is…You go day to day, sometimes hour to hour at first…but somehow you make it through the day, the week, the month, a year….It's like a fog, and I pray someday we totally wake up to be a fully functioning person again….For now, I am just doing the best I can..It isa terribly lonely process.

                       

                      Take Care,

                      Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

                      Profile under – Sherron

                      Sherron
                      Participant

                        I lost my husband on Nov 30, 2010 to Melanoma.  I am still greiving.  I say do what comes naturally.  It is a different journey for each person…It is extremely painful for me.  Jim passed away 4 days before our 43rd anniversary.  When you have been married that long, it is like devastating.  A part of me died when he did.  I am only 1/2 of a person.  I do not know who I am without him.  I have been to a counselor, taken 2 grief classes, which were good.  But, I really think for each person it is different.  You make progress, steps forward, then boom, 2 steps back.  It is a long process depending on the relatlionship you had to the person.  There is no right or wrong.  It is just what it is…You go day to day, sometimes hour to hour at first…but somehow you make it through the day, the week, the month, a year….It's like a fog, and I pray someday we totally wake up to be a fully functioning person again….For now, I am just doing the best I can..It isa terribly lonely process.

                         

                        Take Care,

                        Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

                        Profile under – Sherron

                        Sherron
                        Participant

                          I lost my husband on Nov 30, 2010 to Melanoma.  I am still greiving.  I say do what comes naturally.  It is a different journey for each person…It is extremely painful for me.  Jim passed away 4 days before our 43rd anniversary.  When you have been married that long, it is like devastating.  A part of me died when he did.  I am only 1/2 of a person.  I do not know who I am without him.  I have been to a counselor, taken 2 grief classes, which were good.  But, I really think for each person it is different.  You make progress, steps forward, then boom, 2 steps back.  It is a long process depending on the relatlionship you had to the person.  There is no right or wrong.  It is just what it is…You go day to day, sometimes hour to hour at first…but somehow you make it through the day, the week, the month, a year….It's like a fog, and I pray someday we totally wake up to be a fully functioning person again….For now, I am just doing the best I can..It isa terribly lonely process.

                           

                          Take Care,

                          Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

                          Profile under – Sherron

                          sharmon
                          Participant
                            Brent died on the 4th. I cannot be alone. My family take turns staying with me. He was my only and best friend. We worked together ever day for 10 years. He did not want to die. No one can tell me that it will get easier. Every moment here without him is agony. We never had an argument. Ours was a love affair that was out of a fairy tale. No one can tell someone how to get over this. I think we have to figure it out on our own in our own time, in our own way. Or not,
                            sharmon
                            Participant
                              Brent died on the 4th. I cannot be alone. My family take turns staying with me. He was my only and best friend. We worked together ever day for 10 years. He did not want to die. No one can tell me that it will get easier. Every moment here without him is agony. We never had an argument. Ours was a love affair that was out of a fairy tale. No one can tell someone how to get over this. I think we have to figure it out on our own in our own time, in our own way. Or not,
                              sharmon
                              Participant
                                Brent died on the 4th. I cannot be alone. My family take turns staying with me. He was my only and best friend. We worked together ever day for 10 years. He did not want to die. No one can tell me that it will get easier. Every moment here without him is agony. We never had an argument. Ours was a love affair that was out of a fairy tale. No one can tell someone how to get over this. I think we have to figure it out on our own in our own time, in our own way. Or not,
                                  Sherron
                                  Participant

                                    Sharmon, I know how you feel , it is awful…..and right now I can't say it will be better….I think it takes a very long time when you are extremenly close like I was to my husband, and you to your husband…For a long time it is like a fog,  you function, doing daily things, but yet not really knowing how you got from Place A to Place B.  Jim and I also had a very close friendship and relatationship, and it was mostly us all the time…..Now, I am completely alone….that is so hard, the beling alone, and learning to deal with living alone, and having to make all the decisions for your household.  I think losing a spouse or a child are the very worse.  When you lose a spouse you lose a part of yourself, your identity…who are you without him?  that is how I felt…I am still living one day at a time and it  has been 2 years 4 months…14 later I was back to work….Someone has to make a living….I am functioning but at a low level..My grown children want to know when their mom will be back….Well, she is gone too….A part of me died when he died…I am who I am to day, and they have to learn to love the new me. Thinking of you Sharmon, sending you hugs, prayers, and love.

                                    Take Care,

                                    Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

                                    Sherron
                                    Participant

                                      Sharmon, I know how you feel , it is awful…..and right now I can't say it will be better….I think it takes a very long time when you are extremenly close like I was to my husband, and you to your husband…For a long time it is like a fog,  you function, doing daily things, but yet not really knowing how you got from Place A to Place B.  Jim and I also had a very close friendship and relatationship, and it was mostly us all the time…..Now, I am completely alone….that is so hard, the beling alone, and learning to deal with living alone, and having to make all the decisions for your household.  I think losing a spouse or a child are the very worse.  When you lose a spouse you lose a part of yourself, your identity…who are you without him?  that is how I felt…I am still living one day at a time and it  has been 2 years 4 months…14 later I was back to work….Someone has to make a living….I am functioning but at a low level..My grown children want to know when their mom will be back….Well, she is gone too….A part of me died when he died…I am who I am to day, and they have to learn to love the new me. Thinking of you Sharmon, sending you hugs, prayers, and love.

                                      Take Care,

                                      Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

                                      Sherron
                                      Participant

                                        Sharmon, I know how you feel , it is awful…..and right now I can't say it will be better….I think it takes a very long time when you are extremenly close like I was to my husband, and you to your husband…For a long time it is like a fog,  you function, doing daily things, but yet not really knowing how you got from Place A to Place B.  Jim and I also had a very close friendship and relatationship, and it was mostly us all the time…..Now, I am completely alone….that is so hard, the beling alone, and learning to deal with living alone, and having to make all the decisions for your household.  I think losing a spouse or a child are the very worse.  When you lose a spouse you lose a part of yourself, your identity…who are you without him?  that is how I felt…I am still living one day at a time and it  has been 2 years 4 months…14 later I was back to work….Someone has to make a living….I am functioning but at a low level..My grown children want to know when their mom will be back….Well, she is gone too….A part of me died when he died…I am who I am to day, and they have to learn to love the new me. Thinking of you Sharmon, sending you hugs, prayers, and love.

                                        Take Care,

                                        Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

                                        Mickey n Jo
                                        Participant

                                          Oh sharmon, I am so sorry.  My husband Mickey also died on the 4th, and I know exactly how you feel.  It truly is agony.  We were married for 42 years, and he was my best friend. I feel dazed and confused, like a part of me has been torn away.  Everyone tells me it will get easier as time passes, but I just can't imagine that happening.  I think we all have to grieve in our own way, there is no right or wrong and hopefully, somehow, sometime, we will be able to take comfort in our wonderful memories and not feel this terrible hurt inside.

                                          Mickey n Jo
                                          Participant

                                            Oh sharmon, I am so sorry.  My husband Mickey also died on the 4th, and I know exactly how you feel.  It truly is agony.  We were married for 42 years, and he was my best friend. I feel dazed and confused, like a part of me has been torn away.  Everyone tells me it will get easier as time passes, but I just can't imagine that happening.  I think we all have to grieve in our own way, there is no right or wrong and hopefully, somehow, sometime, we will be able to take comfort in our wonderful memories and not feel this terrible hurt inside.

                                            Mickey n Jo
                                            Participant

                                              Oh sharmon, I am so sorry.  My husband Mickey also died on the 4th, and I know exactly how you feel.  It truly is agony.  We were married for 42 years, and he was my best friend. I feel dazed and confused, like a part of me has been torn away.  Everyone tells me it will get easier as time passes, but I just can't imagine that happening.  I think we all have to grieve in our own way, there is no right or wrong and hopefully, somehow, sometime, we will be able to take comfort in our wonderful memories and not feel this terrible hurt inside.

                                            casagrayson
                                            Participant

                                              I believe that anyone, especially a medical professional, who tells you that you are grieving wrongly should be the last person you discuss your feelings with!  No one grieves in exactly the same way.  I do believe that crying is good for letting some of those awful feelings out, but that doesn't mean it has to be a production.  Your grief will come in waves; it will surprise you when it rears its head.  Just the other day I found myself crying (in church, no less); grieving for my brother who has been gone 5 1/2 years.  As I told my SIL, I'm "mostly healed", but not completely healed.  I doubt I ever will be.

                                              casagrayson
                                              Participant

                                                I believe that anyone, especially a medical professional, who tells you that you are grieving wrongly should be the last person you discuss your feelings with!  No one grieves in exactly the same way.  I do believe that crying is good for letting some of those awful feelings out, but that doesn't mean it has to be a production.  Your grief will come in waves; it will surprise you when it rears its head.  Just the other day I found myself crying (in church, no less); grieving for my brother who has been gone 5 1/2 years.  As I told my SIL, I'm "mostly healed", but not completely healed.  I doubt I ever will be.

                                                casagrayson
                                                Participant

                                                  I believe that anyone, especially a medical professional, who tells you that you are grieving wrongly should be the last person you discuss your feelings with!  No one grieves in exactly the same way.  I do believe that crying is good for letting some of those awful feelings out, but that doesn't mean it has to be a production.  Your grief will come in waves; it will surprise you when it rears its head.  Just the other day I found myself crying (in church, no less); grieving for my brother who has been gone 5 1/2 years.  As I told my SIL, I'm "mostly healed", but not completely healed.  I doubt I ever will be.

                                                  JC
                                                  Participant
                                                    Here are some brilliant words from author, Sarah Dessen: “Grieving doesn't make you imperfect. It makes you human.” Grief is simply a part of the process! 

                                                    JC
                                                    Participant
                                                      Here are some brilliant words from author, Sarah Dessen: “Grieving doesn't make you imperfect. It makes you human.” Grief is simply a part of the process! 

                                                      JC
                                                      Participant
                                                        Here are some brilliant words from author, Sarah Dessen: “Grieving doesn't make you imperfect. It makes you human.” Grief is simply a part of the process! 

                                                        POW
                                                        Participant

                                                          Thank you all for your honest, warm, and generous responses. I am reassured to know that it's OK to grieve in what ever way seems natural to me. I mean, that is what I expected, but my grief counselor made me start to doubt myself. Your experiences have helped me a lot.

                                                          Your experiences with grief gave me an added benefit, too. Like many of you, my husband and I have been married a long time, have no children or other geographically close family, and we are very happy and very much wrapped up in each other. Although we are both quite healthy, your stories have given me pause to think about what might happen in the future when one of us passes. I am more determined than ever to enjoy and appreciate my man every day and to start now to develop and sustain closer friendships. The only thing that really seems to help at all with crippling grief is to have caring people around you when you need them. Thank you for that valuable lesson. 

                                                          POW
                                                          Participant

                                                            Thank you all for your honest, warm, and generous responses. I am reassured to know that it's OK to grieve in what ever way seems natural to me. I mean, that is what I expected, but my grief counselor made me start to doubt myself. Your experiences have helped me a lot.

                                                            Your experiences with grief gave me an added benefit, too. Like many of you, my husband and I have been married a long time, have no children or other geographically close family, and we are very happy and very much wrapped up in each other. Although we are both quite healthy, your stories have given me pause to think about what might happen in the future when one of us passes. I am more determined than ever to enjoy and appreciate my man every day and to start now to develop and sustain closer friendships. The only thing that really seems to help at all with crippling grief is to have caring people around you when you need them. Thank you for that valuable lesson. 

                                                            POW
                                                            Participant

                                                              Thank you all for your honest, warm, and generous responses. I am reassured to know that it's OK to grieve in what ever way seems natural to me. I mean, that is what I expected, but my grief counselor made me start to doubt myself. Your experiences have helped me a lot.

                                                              Your experiences with grief gave me an added benefit, too. Like many of you, my husband and I have been married a long time, have no children or other geographically close family, and we are very happy and very much wrapped up in each other. Although we are both quite healthy, your stories have given me pause to think about what might happen in the future when one of us passes. I am more determined than ever to enjoy and appreciate my man every day and to start now to develop and sustain closer friendships. The only thing that really seems to help at all with crippling grief is to have caring people around you when you need them. Thank you for that valuable lesson. 

                                                              MeNDave
                                                              Participant

                                                                I'm so sorry for all your losses.  It has been more than 9 months since Dave passed away, and I really don't even remember much of those first few months.  And for anybody to tell you that you are not grieving "the right way", including a counselor, ask to see the manual on grieving.  Oh, but wait, there isn't one.  That's right – because it's an individual journey with no rights or wrongs.  I will say that it has gotten easier for me to function, and although the pain is still there, it's not overwhelming all the time.  So what makes YOU feel better – you are your number one priority right now.

                                                                MeNDave
                                                                Participant

                                                                  I'm so sorry for all your losses.  It has been more than 9 months since Dave passed away, and I really don't even remember much of those first few months.  And for anybody to tell you that you are not grieving "the right way", including a counselor, ask to see the manual on grieving.  Oh, but wait, there isn't one.  That's right – because it's an individual journey with no rights or wrongs.  I will say that it has gotten easier for me to function, and although the pain is still there, it's not overwhelming all the time.  So what makes YOU feel better – you are your number one priority right now.

                                                                  MeNDave
                                                                  Participant

                                                                    I'm so sorry for all your losses.  It has been more than 9 months since Dave passed away, and I really don't even remember much of those first few months.  And for anybody to tell you that you are not grieving "the right way", including a counselor, ask to see the manual on grieving.  Oh, but wait, there isn't one.  That's right – because it's an individual journey with no rights or wrongs.  I will say that it has gotten easier for me to function, and although the pain is still there, it's not overwhelming all the time.  So what makes YOU feel better – you are your number one priority right now.

                                                                    POW
                                                                    Participant

                                                                      After considering your opinions and advice, I decided not to go back to that grief counselor. She really is a good counselor and she did help me a lot. But you all are correct– there is no "right" way to grieve. On this issue, my counselor is a little too steeped in her own professional publications. 

                                                                      Thankfully, I am gradually getting back to normal. Actually, I didn't even realize how far away from "normal" I had gotten until I started coming out of the "fog" some of you described. I posted an update on the Off-Topic forum ("Egad! My house is a mess!") for anyone who is interested. 

                                                                      Keep fighting! And keep loving life!

                                                                      POW
                                                                      Participant

                                                                        After considering your opinions and advice, I decided not to go back to that grief counselor. She really is a good counselor and she did help me a lot. But you all are correct– there is no "right" way to grieve. On this issue, my counselor is a little too steeped in her own professional publications. 

                                                                        Thankfully, I am gradually getting back to normal. Actually, I didn't even realize how far away from "normal" I had gotten until I started coming out of the "fog" some of you described. I posted an update on the Off-Topic forum ("Egad! My house is a mess!") for anyone who is interested. 

                                                                        Keep fighting! And keep loving life!

                                                                        POW
                                                                        Participant

                                                                          After considering your opinions and advice, I decided not to go back to that grief counselor. She really is a good counselor and she did help me a lot. But you all are correct– there is no "right" way to grieve. On this issue, my counselor is a little too steeped in her own professional publications. 

                                                                          Thankfully, I am gradually getting back to normal. Actually, I didn't even realize how far away from "normal" I had gotten until I started coming out of the "fog" some of you described. I posted an update on the Off-Topic forum ("Egad! My house is a mess!") for anyone who is interested. 

                                                                          Keep fighting! And keep loving life!

                                                                      Viewing 23 reply threads
                                                                      • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
                                                                      About the MRF Patient Forum

                                                                      The MRF Patient Forum is the oldest and largest online community of people affected by melanoma. It is designed to provide peer support and information to caregivers, patients, family and friends. There is no better place to discuss different parts of your journey with this cancer and find the friends and support resources to make that journey more bearable.

                                                                      The information on the forum is open and accessible to everyone. To add a new topic or to post a reply, you must be a registered user. Please note that you will be able to post both topics and replies anonymously even though you are logged in. All posts must abide by MRF posting policies.