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- This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
davidfromsingapore.
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- March 8, 2012 at 2:08 am
Hi, my husband and I have been married for 5 years and have very young children. He was diagnosed at stage III before we were married and he recurred just after we were married. So together we have been fighting it for 5 years, surgeries and clinical trials, etc. The first bit of good news we have received was about 6 months ago, just after he was given 2-3 months we found out that he was a late responder to ipi, we were so excited however we have just found out tonight that the cancer has started to regrow again in several places, specifically his
Hi, my husband and I have been married for 5 years and have very young children. He was diagnosed at stage III before we were married and he recurred just after we were married. So together we have been fighting it for 5 years, surgeries and clinical trials, etc. The first bit of good news we have received was about 6 months ago, just after he was given 2-3 months we found out that he was a late responder to ipi, we were so excited however we have just found out tonight that the cancer has started to regrow again in several places, specifically his lungs and liver. We have talked to our oncologist and know our choices and will see him again early next week.
My husband has struggled for a very long time with this disease and fought to get up every morning and have a purpose, to keep moving forward as best he could. We have struggled in our marriage at times, but without ever having the appropriate discussions to resolve any issues things have just built up. When we were given the good news about ipi I knew we also needed to work on our marriage, some terrible, hurtful things have been said over the last 3 years or more and without getting into specifics there has been ongoing verbal and emotional abuse and I was able to keep it in check before the cancer had come back the first time (4+ years ago) but began to let it go, trying to understand that he was going through treatment, etc and how difficult things were for him with that, work, and a new family. WIth the good news about ipi I needed us to speak with a therapist that could help. It has been stressful over the last 6 months, we have tried to have some good times like christmas and the holidays but it hasn't always worked. He has been unable to apologize for anything he has said or done, there have been some very poignant times in our marriage where he has confided in his mom and the two of them have been together as a united front, whether it is something as silly as how the spice cupboard is organized or as important as what plans will be made after his death as far as assets, financials, etc and as far as going to see a lawyer together to discuss writing visitation rights into his will for her with our children after his death – she is divorced, her ex-husband it remarrying and she has written her daughter out of her will and is no longer speaking to her. I guess before I ramble on and on tonight he has said htat the stress of the last few motnhs probably hasn't helped, and I am sure it hasn't but I can't be blamed for all of this, the therapist has tried to help us and has said that the things he is saying to me our incredibly hurtful and terrible, I guess I can feel myself starting to slip into balming myself for the return of his cancer as I believe he is getting at and I am sure his mother will also say. I am at a loss for any words to describe what i feel and am not even sure this post makes sense.
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- March 8, 2012 at 2:41 am
You post makes totally sense. You keep being who you are for yourself and for your family. I know how hard it is to be a caregiver to someone fighting melanoma. My Mom is Stage lV and it's hard. We are doing o.k. right now. I'm glad that he was a responder to IPI. Hopefully your with an excellent melanoma specialist.
IPI reinduction has an even higher response rate. You might also want to look into Anti-pdi1 and Ipi trial at Sloan and Yale. They say the response is even better! Please take care of yourself!
Hugs 🙂
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- March 8, 2012 at 2:41 am
You post makes totally sense. You keep being who you are for yourself and for your family. I know how hard it is to be a caregiver to someone fighting melanoma. My Mom is Stage lV and it's hard. We are doing o.k. right now. I'm glad that he was a responder to IPI. Hopefully your with an excellent melanoma specialist.
IPI reinduction has an even higher response rate. You might also want to look into Anti-pdi1 and Ipi trial at Sloan and Yale. They say the response is even better! Please take care of yourself!
Hugs 🙂
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- March 8, 2012 at 2:41 am
You post makes totally sense. You keep being who you are for yourself and for your family. I know how hard it is to be a caregiver to someone fighting melanoma. My Mom is Stage lV and it's hard. We are doing o.k. right now. I'm glad that he was a responder to IPI. Hopefully your with an excellent melanoma specialist.
IPI reinduction has an even higher response rate. You might also want to look into Anti-pdi1 and Ipi trial at Sloan and Yale. They say the response is even better! Please take care of yourself!
Hugs 🙂
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- March 8, 2012 at 9:09 am
Hello
I hope this message finds you well. Let e start by saying that since I found out about my disease (I am stage 4 with brain mets), my wife has done and said some incredibly cruel things – things that others may not forgive. These have been extremely difficult years for us. But if you ever were a solid couple and if there have been slivers of light, I think you can and will make it through this. For me, it was realising that I could not change the situation. Things happened. I said I forgave her, but I really didn't. I wasn't until I truly forgave her – decided that there was nothing i could do to change the past, that things started getting better. These events are super stressful for everyone and when you are in the hot seat, even if you are pretty realistic, it is still very difficult to see what is happening, to objectively view your reactions, and to know what to do. Since my original dx in 2008, there have been at least a dozen times that I wanted to call it quits (as did she). But I took a few steps back, I tried hard to withhold judgement, I just let a few things go, and it worked. I know not everyone can achieve this, but maybe try taking a step back – for a good long while. Don't judge, and try really hard not to let anything he says hurt you. Just let it roll off for now. One thing for sure, in the end, it doesn't matter who is to blame. For me the best advice was – "Regardless of what is done or said, don't take it personally." I can still make my life better, and if need be I can become independant. I would prefer to have her here with me – to support me, but I could also be destroyed waiting. My kids need me for sure, so I will be a little selfish these days in my emotional needs so I am able to help them. If things work out, she will understand what appears to be selfishness is really love.
Sincerely, David
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- March 8, 2012 at 9:09 am
Hello
I hope this message finds you well. Let e start by saying that since I found out about my disease (I am stage 4 with brain mets), my wife has done and said some incredibly cruel things – things that others may not forgive. These have been extremely difficult years for us. But if you ever were a solid couple and if there have been slivers of light, I think you can and will make it through this. For me, it was realising that I could not change the situation. Things happened. I said I forgave her, but I really didn't. I wasn't until I truly forgave her – decided that there was nothing i could do to change the past, that things started getting better. These events are super stressful for everyone and when you are in the hot seat, even if you are pretty realistic, it is still very difficult to see what is happening, to objectively view your reactions, and to know what to do. Since my original dx in 2008, there have been at least a dozen times that I wanted to call it quits (as did she). But I took a few steps back, I tried hard to withhold judgement, I just let a few things go, and it worked. I know not everyone can achieve this, but maybe try taking a step back – for a good long while. Don't judge, and try really hard not to let anything he says hurt you. Just let it roll off for now. One thing for sure, in the end, it doesn't matter who is to blame. For me the best advice was – "Regardless of what is done or said, don't take it personally." I can still make my life better, and if need be I can become independant. I would prefer to have her here with me – to support me, but I could also be destroyed waiting. My kids need me for sure, so I will be a little selfish these days in my emotional needs so I am able to help them. If things work out, she will understand what appears to be selfishness is really love.
Sincerely, David
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- March 8, 2012 at 9:09 am
Hello
I hope this message finds you well. Let e start by saying that since I found out about my disease (I am stage 4 with brain mets), my wife has done and said some incredibly cruel things – things that others may not forgive. These have been extremely difficult years for us. But if you ever were a solid couple and if there have been slivers of light, I think you can and will make it through this. For me, it was realising that I could not change the situation. Things happened. I said I forgave her, but I really didn't. I wasn't until I truly forgave her – decided that there was nothing i could do to change the past, that things started getting better. These events are super stressful for everyone and when you are in the hot seat, even if you are pretty realistic, it is still very difficult to see what is happening, to objectively view your reactions, and to know what to do. Since my original dx in 2008, there have been at least a dozen times that I wanted to call it quits (as did she). But I took a few steps back, I tried hard to withhold judgement, I just let a few things go, and it worked. I know not everyone can achieve this, but maybe try taking a step back – for a good long while. Don't judge, and try really hard not to let anything he says hurt you. Just let it roll off for now. One thing for sure, in the end, it doesn't matter who is to blame. For me the best advice was – "Regardless of what is done or said, don't take it personally." I can still make my life better, and if need be I can become independant. I would prefer to have her here with me – to support me, but I could also be destroyed waiting. My kids need me for sure, so I will be a little selfish these days in my emotional needs so I am able to help them. If things work out, she will understand what appears to be selfishness is really love.
Sincerely, David
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