› Forums › General Melanoma Community › What to Say and What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Cancer
- This topic has 36 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by
JerryfromFauq.
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- January 18, 2014 at 1:35 pm
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- January 18, 2014 at 7:16 pm
Well said. I would also add:
Don't act like you know what it's like to have cancer if you don't have cancer. You don't.
Don't act like there is one treatment, one thing, one diet, one exercise, one activity that will fix it for them….cause there isn't. Even when something works very well for one person, it doesn't mean it will work for the next.
And NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER act like a person with cancer is responsible for their condition!!!
Thanks for sharing. celeste
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- January 18, 2014 at 7:16 pm
Well said. I would also add:
Don't act like you know what it's like to have cancer if you don't have cancer. You don't.
Don't act like there is one treatment, one thing, one diet, one exercise, one activity that will fix it for them….cause there isn't. Even when something works very well for one person, it doesn't mean it will work for the next.
And NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER act like a person with cancer is responsible for their condition!!!
Thanks for sharing. celeste
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- January 18, 2014 at 9:16 pm
Great advice. Just because my husband appears strong & healthy, so many people have said "he's gonna be fine." Drives me nuts, but I know they mean no harm.
I agree Celeste, your comments above should be added to that list.
Thanks to whoever posted this link.
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- January 18, 2014 at 9:16 pm
Great advice. Just because my husband appears strong & healthy, so many people have said "he's gonna be fine." Drives me nuts, but I know they mean no harm.
I agree Celeste, your comments above should be added to that list.
Thanks to whoever posted this link.
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- January 18, 2014 at 9:16 pm
Great advice. Just because my husband appears strong & healthy, so many people have said "he's gonna be fine." Drives me nuts, but I know they mean no harm.
I agree Celeste, your comments above should be added to that list.
Thanks to whoever posted this link.
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- January 18, 2014 at 7:16 pm
Well said. I would also add:
Don't act like you know what it's like to have cancer if you don't have cancer. You don't.
Don't act like there is one treatment, one thing, one diet, one exercise, one activity that will fix it for them….cause there isn't. Even when something works very well for one person, it doesn't mean it will work for the next.
And NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER act like a person with cancer is responsible for their condition!!!
Thanks for sharing. celeste
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- January 19, 2014 at 3:02 am
Don’t know what is going on. I posted this a couple of days ago. under my name. Either way, I like the suggestion of adds. I’ll find where I got it from (I think the Am Can Soc). I’m having huge problems with the Chat room tonight. A new girl came in and needs help but people keep dropping out and in and out and in without trying to leave it. -
- January 19, 2014 at 3:02 am
Don’t know what is going on. I posted this a couple of days ago. under my name. Either way, I like the suggestion of adds. I’ll find where I got it from (I think the Am Can Soc). I’m having huge problems with the Chat room tonight. A new girl came in and needs help but people keep dropping out and in and out and in without trying to leave it. -
- January 19, 2014 at 3:02 am
Don’t know what is going on. I posted this a couple of days ago. under my name. Either way, I like the suggestion of adds. I’ll find where I got it from (I think the Am Can Soc). I’m having huge problems with the Chat room tonight. A new girl came in and needs help but people keep dropping out and in and out and in without trying to leave it. -
- January 20, 2014 at 2:57 pm
My favorite is: "we never get more than we can handle in life". Well, just because I can, why does that mean I should have to "handle" something like this?
As a previous poster said though, no matter how irritating, insulting, or upsetting the comment, it's usually because most people really just don't know what to say, but do mean well so I just grit my teath for a second, smile, and say "Thank you"
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- January 20, 2014 at 2:57 pm
My favorite is: "we never get more than we can handle in life". Well, just because I can, why does that mean I should have to "handle" something like this?
As a previous poster said though, no matter how irritating, insulting, or upsetting the comment, it's usually because most people really just don't know what to say, but do mean well so I just grit my teath for a second, smile, and say "Thank you"
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- January 20, 2014 at 2:57 pm
My favorite is: "we never get more than we can handle in life". Well, just because I can, why does that mean I should have to "handle" something like this?
As a previous poster said though, no matter how irritating, insulting, or upsetting the comment, it's usually because most people really just don't know what to say, but do mean well so I just grit my teath for a second, smile, and say "Thank you"
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm
My favorite was when my brother said (after just learning my husband not only had melanoma, but lymphoma), "some day you'll look back and laugh about all of this." I was in total shock! Obviously he wasn't thinking.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm
My favorite was when my brother said (after just learning my husband not only had melanoma, but lymphoma), "some day you'll look back and laugh about all of this." I was in total shock! Obviously he wasn't thinking.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm
My favorite was when my brother said (after just learning my husband not only had melanoma, but lymphoma), "some day you'll look back and laugh about all of this." I was in total shock! Obviously he wasn't thinking.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm
After my response I re read some of the responses again. Makes me wonder why we have to grin and bear it. Maybe if we enlighten people of the condition maybe next time they will think before they speak.
I have had so many people say to me that everything is going to be fine, guess what, no it is not! What don't they understand, no cure means no cure. No grin and bear for me lately. Just frustration with people's comments.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm
After my response I re read some of the responses again. Makes me wonder why we have to grin and bear it. Maybe if we enlighten people of the condition maybe next time they will think before they speak.
I have had so many people say to me that everything is going to be fine, guess what, no it is not! What don't they understand, no cure means no cure. No grin and bear for me lately. Just frustration with people's comments.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:37 pm
I think that the original post in this thread (What to Say…) makes a very important point. Most people mean well, they really do. But even if they do understand how serious melanoma is, our society just doesn't give people many cues as to how to offer caring and support in a sensitive and helpful manner.
When I was a kid, no cancer was curable– I mean NONE. Therefore, people just didn't discuss cancer–period. They whispered euphemisims like "the Big C" then dropped their eyes and changed the subject. The patients themselves usually kept their disease a secret because they knew that nobody could offer words of hope and that friends, relations and colleagues got uncomfortable at the prospect of near-certain death.
Now some cancers can be cured; many others can go into long remission. The word "cancer" is no longer tabu. But people still don't know what to say or how to act when someone really does have an incurable disease and is truly facing death.
In the spirit of the original post, rather than educate people about how serious melanoma is (which will likely embarass them and make them shut up and back off) it would be better to educate them about what to say and what not say about melanoma. Don't make them feel like ignorant, insensitive idiots–they're only trying to help. Gently guide them in the direction you would be most comfortable with. Perhaps you could print out the "What to Say" list and give it to your friends and relations, or email it to them, or post it on your Facebook page or personal blog. Or all of the above.
Dealing with melanoma is bad enough without feeling socially isolated and that nobody "gets it". It would be so nice if we could help others to help us in a mutually loving and respectful manner. Then everyone would benefit.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:37 pm
I think that the original post in this thread (What to Say…) makes a very important point. Most people mean well, they really do. But even if they do understand how serious melanoma is, our society just doesn't give people many cues as to how to offer caring and support in a sensitive and helpful manner.
When I was a kid, no cancer was curable– I mean NONE. Therefore, people just didn't discuss cancer–period. They whispered euphemisims like "the Big C" then dropped their eyes and changed the subject. The patients themselves usually kept their disease a secret because they knew that nobody could offer words of hope and that friends, relations and colleagues got uncomfortable at the prospect of near-certain death.
Now some cancers can be cured; many others can go into long remission. The word "cancer" is no longer tabu. But people still don't know what to say or how to act when someone really does have an incurable disease and is truly facing death.
In the spirit of the original post, rather than educate people about how serious melanoma is (which will likely embarass them and make them shut up and back off) it would be better to educate them about what to say and what not say about melanoma. Don't make them feel like ignorant, insensitive idiots–they're only trying to help. Gently guide them in the direction you would be most comfortable with. Perhaps you could print out the "What to Say" list and give it to your friends and relations, or email it to them, or post it on your Facebook page or personal blog. Or all of the above.
Dealing with melanoma is bad enough without feeling socially isolated and that nobody "gets it". It would be so nice if we could help others to help us in a mutually loving and respectful manner. Then everyone would benefit.
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- January 21, 2014 at 4:03 am
Love your response.
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- January 21, 2014 at 4:03 am
Love your response.
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- January 21, 2014 at 4:03 am
Love your response.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:37 pm
I think that the original post in this thread (What to Say…) makes a very important point. Most people mean well, they really do. But even if they do understand how serious melanoma is, our society just doesn't give people many cues as to how to offer caring and support in a sensitive and helpful manner.
When I was a kid, no cancer was curable– I mean NONE. Therefore, people just didn't discuss cancer–period. They whispered euphemisims like "the Big C" then dropped their eyes and changed the subject. The patients themselves usually kept their disease a secret because they knew that nobody could offer words of hope and that friends, relations and colleagues got uncomfortable at the prospect of near-certain death.
Now some cancers can be cured; many others can go into long remission. The word "cancer" is no longer tabu. But people still don't know what to say or how to act when someone really does have an incurable disease and is truly facing death.
In the spirit of the original post, rather than educate people about how serious melanoma is (which will likely embarass them and make them shut up and back off) it would be better to educate them about what to say and what not say about melanoma. Don't make them feel like ignorant, insensitive idiots–they're only trying to help. Gently guide them in the direction you would be most comfortable with. Perhaps you could print out the "What to Say" list and give it to your friends and relations, or email it to them, or post it on your Facebook page or personal blog. Or all of the above.
Dealing with melanoma is bad enough without feeling socially isolated and that nobody "gets it". It would be so nice if we could help others to help us in a mutually loving and respectful manner. Then everyone would benefit.
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- January 20, 2014 at 5:04 pm
After my response I re read some of the responses again. Makes me wonder why we have to grin and bear it. Maybe if we enlighten people of the condition maybe next time they will think before they speak.
I have had so many people say to me that everything is going to be fine, guess what, no it is not! What don't they understand, no cure means no cure. No grin and bear for me lately. Just frustration with people's comments.
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