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Survivor’s “Guilt”
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Survivor’s “Guilt”

› Forums › General Melanoma Community › Survivor’s “Guilt”

  • Post
    • September 21, 2011 at 6:05 pm
    mom3girlsFL
    Participant

      Please know this "rant" is not intended to offend anyone.  I ask that you read with understanding and not judgement.

      I am stage IIIC, almost one year NED.  Radical groin dissection with lymph node involvement, surgeries Sept 2010.  Clear PET November 2010, clear CT abdomen/pelvis March 2011.

      Here are my feelings for today:

      Please know this "rant" is not intended to offend anyone.  I ask that you read with understanding and not judgement.

      I am stage IIIC, almost one year NED.  Radical groin dissection with lymph node involvement, surgeries Sept 2010.  Clear PET November 2010, clear CT abdomen/pelvis March 2011.

      Here are my feelings for today:

      I am waiting for the phone to ring…or not.  I had a PET Monday morning and am awaiting the news.  I have never been more anxious over a scan than this last one.  Why?  I don't know.  Perhaps because I cannot explain the pains I've been feeling in my leg lately.  Or maybe I am afraid the aches and pains are due to mel.  Could it be there is more meaning behind the regular, almost daily, headaches I've been experiencing or is it stress?

      In the past, the "no news is good news" has been the routine so I feel pretty good about not hearing from my onc so far.  I have always had the "bad news" immediately following scans.

      So, am I driving myself crazy over the aches and pains in my leg?  How bout the headaches?  And when my scan comes back "clear" do I now label myself "The Hypochondriac NED"?  I don't want to sound rude, and I have always considered myself a strong person….but, THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!  My leg DOES hurt, the aches ARE real.  I HAVE been getting headaches, almost daily.  This is true, I'm not making this up – that's what I tell myself.  But what if it is not mel related, what the heck???  Ugh…whatever.

      I guess all I know for sure is if the scan is bad, I will do whatever I need to do.  If the scan is clear I need some serious counseling.

      Laurie

    Viewing 5 reply threads
    • Replies
        • September 21, 2011 at 6:12 pm
        LV
        Participant

          You know, stress can manifest itself in many ways. If your scans are clear, give yourself a few days and see if your aches and pains go away of their own accord.

          • September 21, 2011 at 6:12 pm
          LV
          Participant

            You know, stress can manifest itself in many ways. If your scans are clear, give yourself a few days and see if your aches and pains go away of their own accord.

            • September 21, 2011 at 6:34 pm
            TracyLee
            Participant

              Laurie,

              Give yourself a little room, you're allowed to have "scanxiety".

              Sometimes, when we are used to handling things pretty well, it's scary to feel like we're suddenly flipping out. I will get tearful, clingy and whatever my husband says, it's the wrong thing! The rest of the time, I'm the one getting complimented on "how well" I'm handling it all.

              I think we forget that we can still have "other" stuff, because we focus on mel. Doesn't mean you won't get  a migraine/flu/sprained ankle. You know what I mean. It doesn't always tie back to mel, but we forget that.

              So, I'm sure you DO feel yucky. And you feel bad, because you feel bad!

              It's ok. We've all been there.

              Praying you keep your "no news is good news" record going.

              TracyLee

              • September 21, 2011 at 6:34 pm
              TracyLee
              Participant

                Laurie,

                Give yourself a little room, you're allowed to have "scanxiety".

                Sometimes, when we are used to handling things pretty well, it's scary to feel like we're suddenly flipping out. I will get tearful, clingy and whatever my husband says, it's the wrong thing! The rest of the time, I'm the one getting complimented on "how well" I'm handling it all.

                I think we forget that we can still have "other" stuff, because we focus on mel. Doesn't mean you won't get  a migraine/flu/sprained ankle. You know what I mean. It doesn't always tie back to mel, but we forget that.

                So, I'm sure you DO feel yucky. And you feel bad, because you feel bad!

                It's ok. We've all been there.

                Praying you keep your "no news is good news" record going.

                TracyLee

                • September 24, 2011 at 12:43 am
                Lauri England
                Participant

                  I completely understand how you are feeling.  I am scheduled for CT scan Oct 2 and it will be the 1st one that I have had in a little over a year.  I have been on Interferon and just stopped about a week and a half ago after 10 months and a week of it.  I am nervous as hell.  I try so hard to keep my mind off this.  I had a scare in June and had a swollen symph node under my right arm.  I also understand the feeling that everything, aches and pains are melanoma returning.  I have had a 2nd lymph node biopsy and 2 more moles removed from my stomach and all was denign…..Thank the Lord…….Pray for NED

                  • September 24, 2011 at 12:43 am
                  Lauri England
                  Participant

                    I completely understand how you are feeling.  I am scheduled for CT scan Oct 2 and it will be the 1st one that I have had in a little over a year.  I have been on Interferon and just stopped about a week and a half ago after 10 months and a week of it.  I am nervous as hell.  I try so hard to keep my mind off this.  I had a scare in June and had a swollen symph node under my right arm.  I also understand the feeling that everything, aches and pains are melanoma returning.  I have had a 2nd lymph node biopsy and 2 more moles removed from my stomach and all was denign…..Thank the Lord…….Pray for NED

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