› Forums › General Melanoma Community › Sense of Self/Identity
- This topic has 16 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by
J.bun.
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- March 31, 2017 at 11:27 am
Since melanoma has become part of my life, one of the aspects I struggle with is "sense of self/identity." Of course I know that I am still me, but I feel different from the day-to-day… the people I encounter, my work colleagues, my friends, etc. I am sure this is true at any age… but being in my early 30s, my reality is something that makes most people cringe and uncomfortable – and I know it.
Perhaps part of this is because I have intentionally limited the number of people who know my true diagnosis – and therefore I feel like there is a secret. And perhaps part of this is because – despite other tear-jerking hardships I've experienced, there is nothing like this happening at your own, individual-level.
And, perhaps the greatest element is that is has legitimately changed aspects of my day-to-day… going to doctors appts, taking medication, getting blood work, experiencing and recovering from side effects. Yet, I am thankful that there is treatment available, am otherwise healthy, have a caring & supportive network, and remain steadfast in overcoming melanoma and living my life…
It is likely there are others here that feel similarly, and am comforted that none of us are alone.
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- March 31, 2017 at 12:22 pm
Hello J,
While each of us handles melanoma in our own "special" way, there is without a doubt a community here who certainly share many common thoughts, feelings and issues. I too began my melanoma saga in my 30's and am super proud (and a little surprised) to be 52 now!!! Your comment reminded me of an interview I did for Health Monitor magazine 2 years ago, as it figured largely in their questions. If you're interested, here is the essay I wrote for them:
I wish you well. However you choose to live your journey….be sure to LIVE!!!! celeste
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- April 2, 2017 at 7:56 pm
Celeste, U Da Bomb, I plan to refer back to this often.
Rob.
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- March 31, 2017 at 7:59 pm
I think these are teh unfortunate and overlooked mental effects of a cancer diagnosis – realistically, most of with melanoma don't feel physically terrible (some of us do, mind). But mentally, we all go through dark nights of the soul. I found that time was the best healer – melanoma really made me re-evaluate what I valued in life, how I spent my time, and my faith. I haven't transformed my life greatly but I did spend a lot of time dwelling on such things. I also remember waking witha kind of night terror thinking I was going to die because I had forgotten to do something… it was so realistic, I had to talk myself out of it being real. I think the lesson for doctors is to mention up front the mental effects of melanoma – maybe we should all be offered some counselling or at least know it exists – I'm sure it's teh same for other cancer patients.
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- March 31, 2017 at 8:19 pm
J, I totally get what you're saying. I am 30, started this whole journey at 28, and it's been a roller coaster of emotions and getting used to this "new normal". We are not alone and I am also very grateful for this forum, since it's a challenge not knowing anyone in my life that has gone through something like this before.
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- March 31, 2017 at 10:53 pm
Hi J,
This is so timely for me. Just yesterday I was walking through the grocery store in a cold sweat from my latest treatment and kept thinking people were looking at me funny because they knew my secret!
I was diagnosed when I was 28 and I'm now 34. I also choose not to talk about it. Turns out it's a real turn off on the local playground. I don't want to be the mom with cancer. It probably sounds bad but I don't want the pity or the stories. We could probably get together and write a book about what not to say to someone diagnosed with cancer. I've heard tons of breast cancer stories, the "oh I know someone that had melanoma and they are totally fine", and of course – the friend with a young son, and awesome husband that did the exact same treatment that you did – she died. I think of her often even though we never met bc as I was hearing this story unfold all I could think was I want to be friends with her. I know it's all well intended but it highlights how isolating all of this is.
I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but you definitely are not alone.
Take care.
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- April 1, 2017 at 9:26 pm
Appreciate you sharing this Prd10. Those are the same reasons I have chosen to remain *hush* about it.
Except for close family and friends, other people that need to know something (my managers/co-workers) just know I have a serious condition… I am sure some have figured out it is cancer, but at least I don't feel stigmatized.
Even the reactions I get from doctors (who of course, need to know my medical history) can be alarming…but I have learned to smile about it, rather than feel upset by their surprise… I always see a certain fear in their face.
And strangely? enough, even if people are praying for me, I don't like it when they actually tell me.
I wish you the best in your treatment decisions.
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- April 1, 2017 at 10:20 pm
J…you said, "even if people are praying for me, I don't like it when they actually tell me."
Thank you!! I thought it was just me who felt that way. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law say it to me several times a week and I really don't know how to respond anymore.
Good luck,
Ann
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- April 1, 2017 at 11:20 pm
Agree, I feel the same way.. lately I've been really getting tired of the whole "how are you doing", "praying for you", etc comments and questions. In the beginning it wasn't that bad, but now, a year and a half in, I kind of just want to be a normal person in everyone's eyes again.
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- April 5, 2017 at 12:05 am
This! Exactly this! When I was first diagnosed I was devistated, but not many people seemed to get it. A friend of mine told me about how her mom was diagnosed and she had some surgery and has been fine ever since. Her melanoma was in situ. I mean I am happy that she caught it early enough, but that is far from my story.
It's hard to talk to people about it sometimes. They ask me if I'm alright and if it's over now and all I can tell them is that it is for now, but ask me again in 5 years. I never know what my next scan will show. I had a scan last week that came up with a new lymph node.
I have had a couple friends who fought cancer and lost within the last few years. Those are the people I really want to talk to now….but I can't.
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- April 5, 2017 at 7:22 pm
We are "between a rock and a hard place." … I know friends and family want to be supportive, and they probably feel unsure what to say too. Just this weekend, one of my friends asked if I was having any 'fun' side effects from my meds… perhaps a few months ago I would have actually shared some of the sides effects, but I just said "no" – none of them are fun. Since I wasn't looking for her sympathy/empathy, it was a quick way to change the conversation to something else.
Having cancer really changes our lives.
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- April 3, 2017 at 6:36 am
I totally get what you are saying. I was diagnosed last October – stage 4 and I think the mental part of this is a big part of the battle. I try not to live from scan to scan and enjoy and LIVE on the good days. But, it is amazing how little mental therapy is out there that is specifically oriented to melanoma patients. Melanoma is so different from other cancers and even support groups are hard to come by for those of us that deal with melanoma. It's interesting. And so I think well you should just start a group but, really, this forum is like a support group and is so helpful for so many different topics. Guess we all need to stay in touch and keep sharing.
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- April 3, 2017 at 9:58 am
Yes – this is one of the reasons I decided to join the forum – we really are a community. It is easy to be focused on the physical aspects of treatment and pathology reports, but there is s real mental impact.
When this all started I told myself I was going to try and live as normal of a life as possible – but there have been notable differences for me. It can be difficult to reconcile , but I know the focus on my health is #1 right now.
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