› Forums › General Melanoma Community › Resistant Loved One/Thanks for Info and Support
- This topic has 27 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by
Girl52.
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- October 22, 2014 at 1:58 pm
BIL still has no plans to see an oncologist. And he won't have followup meeting with surgeon who did his SNB and WLE until next week. He said yesterday that docs he has seen so far should be fired for cutting into his perfectly healthy arm and scaring him with dire diagnosis and then finding nothing.
For now, my sister is finished trying to influence her husband's decisions about evaluating and treating the metastatic melanoma he was diagnosed with via pathology report. She says I'm of course free to share with him directly what I've learned. I haven't decided whether or not to do that.
Nothing has worked so far. And if insanity is doing the same thing over and over (offering info and suggestions) and expecting different results, I've gone around the bend. Having had a first husband who died of a rare and slowly deadly cancer, this is so hard for me. BIL is highly resistant personality, but I thought in a potentially life-threatening situation, he would listen. This is like watching a tornado approach and your dear one refusing to take shelter.
Will try to settle down, hope, and yes pray that he alters his approach. If he's okay with the uncertainty, maybe I need to learn to live with it.
Thanks for responding so thoughtfully to my many questions….with special gratitude to Janner and Linny. You are amazing people. Hope there's something about this thread that does or will help another member. Would be interested to hear whether anyone else has struggled with similar issue and how you handled it, with your loved one or within yourself.
I'll be reading and returning here for my own info and insight now, rather than passing learning on to sis and BIL, unless they ask. Keep up all good work.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:31 pm
Awww…thanks for your kind words.
You are indeed in a difficult position. I've been in a similar spot and had to come to the conclusion that you can't help someone who will not or refuses to help themselves. And of course it's been with family! For me and my husband it's been with both our sides.
Perhaps the surgeon can put the fear of God in him.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:31 pm
Awww…thanks for your kind words.
You are indeed in a difficult position. I've been in a similar spot and had to come to the conclusion that you can't help someone who will not or refuses to help themselves. And of course it's been with family! For me and my husband it's been with both our sides.
Perhaps the surgeon can put the fear of God in him.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:31 pm
Awww…thanks for your kind words.
You are indeed in a difficult position. I've been in a similar spot and had to come to the conclusion that you can't help someone who will not or refuses to help themselves. And of course it's been with family! For me and my husband it's been with both our sides.
Perhaps the surgeon can put the fear of God in him.
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- October 22, 2014 at 11:10 pm
Maybe surgeon can put fear of God in him…I hope this works! Thank you, Linny. You're right that it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want it, and that's what's going on here. Lilo, BIL has not seen a melanoma specialist…doesn't think it's necessary. And as for sis calling, or me calling, a doc or nurse to discuss, this has been considered and now rejected as too intrusive. This kills me, but I think I have to let go. I, too, get a pit in my stomach thinking about what could happen. Maybe, as Janner says, my loved one will be a Stage III-er who never has to worry about this again.
With your wonderful help, I'm now better educated and will be able to respond if BIL wants info or wants to talk. And this forum is a great resource for support should things progress. If BIL could appreciate it, I would tell him who I've met here, and what a melanoma warrior is. He'd be impressed, even if he doesn't want to join the club.
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- October 22, 2014 at 11:10 pm
Maybe surgeon can put fear of God in him…I hope this works! Thank you, Linny. You're right that it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want it, and that's what's going on here. Lilo, BIL has not seen a melanoma specialist…doesn't think it's necessary. And as for sis calling, or me calling, a doc or nurse to discuss, this has been considered and now rejected as too intrusive. This kills me, but I think I have to let go. I, too, get a pit in my stomach thinking about what could happen. Maybe, as Janner says, my loved one will be a Stage III-er who never has to worry about this again.
With your wonderful help, I'm now better educated and will be able to respond if BIL wants info or wants to talk. And this forum is a great resource for support should things progress. If BIL could appreciate it, I would tell him who I've met here, and what a melanoma warrior is. He'd be impressed, even if he doesn't want to join the club.
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- October 22, 2014 at 11:10 pm
Maybe surgeon can put fear of God in him…I hope this works! Thank you, Linny. You're right that it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want it, and that's what's going on here. Lilo, BIL has not seen a melanoma specialist…doesn't think it's necessary. And as for sis calling, or me calling, a doc or nurse to discuss, this has been considered and now rejected as too intrusive. This kills me, but I think I have to let go. I, too, get a pit in my stomach thinking about what could happen. Maybe, as Janner says, my loved one will be a Stage III-er who never has to worry about this again.
With your wonderful help, I'm now better educated and will be able to respond if BIL wants info or wants to talk. And this forum is a great resource for support should things progress. If BIL could appreciate it, I would tell him who I've met here, and what a melanoma warrior is. He'd be impressed, even if he doesn't want to join the club.
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- October 23, 2014 at 3:07 pm
Sorry but that is terrible advice.
Making some one afraid or scared is the absolute worse thing you can do.
Does he actually have to do anything anyway?
If he isnt stage 4 maybe wait and see is maybe the best option anyway.
At the end of the day he may well have good QOL and no recurrence and that is it.
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- October 23, 2014 at 3:07 pm
Sorry but that is terrible advice.
Making some one afraid or scared is the absolute worse thing you can do.
Does he actually have to do anything anyway?
If he isnt stage 4 maybe wait and see is maybe the best option anyway.
At the end of the day he may well have good QOL and no recurrence and that is it.
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- October 23, 2014 at 3:07 pm
Sorry but that is terrible advice.
Making some one afraid or scared is the absolute worse thing you can do.
Does he actually have to do anything anyway?
If he isnt stage 4 maybe wait and see is maybe the best option anyway.
At the end of the day he may well have good QOL and no recurrence and that is it.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:49 pm
Ugh – this story has put a pit in my stomach! I'm sorry for what you are going through. I haven't really been in the same situation (regarding patient taking things too lightly)…. but based on my experiences with my fiance over the last 11 years, I've noticed that if I (not a Dr, but knowledgeable) tells him something, he just waves it off… but the second a Dr tells him something (often the exact same thing I said), he listens and takes their advice super seriously. Ugh – men! haha. So, I like what Linny said above about having the Dr stressing the importance of the situation. Maybe you can call the Dr, or perhaps a nurse line, before he goes in and explain that he needs a wake up call.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:49 pm
Ugh – this story has put a pit in my stomach! I'm sorry for what you are going through. I haven't really been in the same situation (regarding patient taking things too lightly)…. but based on my experiences with my fiance over the last 11 years, I've noticed that if I (not a Dr, but knowledgeable) tells him something, he just waves it off… but the second a Dr tells him something (often the exact same thing I said), he listens and takes their advice super seriously. Ugh – men! haha. So, I like what Linny said above about having the Dr stressing the importance of the situation. Maybe you can call the Dr, or perhaps a nurse line, before he goes in and explain that he needs a wake up call.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:49 pm
Ugh – this story has put a pit in my stomach! I'm sorry for what you are going through. I haven't really been in the same situation (regarding patient taking things too lightly)…. but based on my experiences with my fiance over the last 11 years, I've noticed that if I (not a Dr, but knowledgeable) tells him something, he just waves it off… but the second a Dr tells him something (often the exact same thing I said), he listens and takes their advice super seriously. Ugh – men! haha. So, I like what Linny said above about having the Dr stressing the importance of the situation. Maybe you can call the Dr, or perhaps a nurse line, before he goes in and explain that he needs a wake up call.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm
One more thought – are you seeing a melanoma specialist? I'm thinking no b/c you mentioned that he does not want to go to the oncologist. You can ask the BIL if he would be ok getting a "2nd opinion" of sorts – find a melanoma specialist and have all of this medical records related to the melanoma (including slides) sent to the dr for a review and opinion. I had this done, although I went in to see the 2nd opinion dr, I'm sure they would either talk to him on the phone or even mail the notes of the review.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm
One more thought – are you seeing a melanoma specialist? I'm thinking no b/c you mentioned that he does not want to go to the oncologist. You can ask the BIL if he would be ok getting a "2nd opinion" of sorts – find a melanoma specialist and have all of this medical records related to the melanoma (including slides) sent to the dr for a review and opinion. I had this done, although I went in to see the 2nd opinion dr, I'm sure they would either talk to him on the phone or even mail the notes of the review.
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- October 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm
One more thought – are you seeing a melanoma specialist? I'm thinking no b/c you mentioned that he does not want to go to the oncologist. You can ask the BIL if he would be ok getting a "2nd opinion" of sorts – find a melanoma specialist and have all of this medical records related to the melanoma (including slides) sent to the dr for a review and opinion. I had this done, although I went in to see the 2nd opinion dr, I'm sure they would either talk to him on the phone or even mail the notes of the review.
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- October 22, 2014 at 7:13 pm
It is very hard to watch a love one with cancer make poor decisions. I know how it feels.
When that happened to me with a love one, I contacted a mentor to come home a visit him. The mentor was someone who survived cancer and he now does volunteer work talking and offering support to people going through the cancer roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes people with cancer feel as they are separated and not fully understood by others. Just a thought
Hope this helps
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- October 22, 2014 at 11:12 pm
Anon, thank you. I know it's right that a cancer diagnosis makes many people feel alone and not understood. I want to be more patient with my BIL. If things progress, I think he would probably like to talk to someone like a mentor, who has been down this road and understands. Thank you.
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- October 22, 2014 at 11:12 pm
Anon, thank you. I know it's right that a cancer diagnosis makes many people feel alone and not understood. I want to be more patient with my BIL. If things progress, I think he would probably like to talk to someone like a mentor, who has been down this road and understands. Thank you.
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- October 22, 2014 at 11:12 pm
Anon, thank you. I know it's right that a cancer diagnosis makes many people feel alone and not understood. I want to be more patient with my BIL. If things progress, I think he would probably like to talk to someone like a mentor, who has been down this road and understands. Thank you.
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- October 22, 2014 at 7:13 pm
It is very hard to watch a love one with cancer make poor decisions. I know how it feels.
When that happened to me with a love one, I contacted a mentor to come home a visit him. The mentor was someone who survived cancer and he now does volunteer work talking and offering support to people going through the cancer roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes people with cancer feel as they are separated and not fully understood by others. Just a thought
Hope this helps
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- October 22, 2014 at 7:13 pm
It is very hard to watch a love one with cancer make poor decisions. I know how it feels.
When that happened to me with a love one, I contacted a mentor to come home a visit him. The mentor was someone who survived cancer and he now does volunteer work talking and offering support to people going through the cancer roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes people with cancer feel as they are separated and not fully understood by others. Just a thought
Hope this helps
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- October 22, 2014 at 7:34 pm
Some people just don't want to know, or acknowledge that they have cancer. My 80+ year old father ended up with 4 types of cancer, but "no one in my family has ever had cancer". He couldn't believe that "Mr Healthy" could get cancer. So BIL is high risk, but there are some in his situation that never recur. Maybe he will be one of those. It's unfortunate that it might take melanoma hitting him over the head with a full blown recurrence for him to acknowledge this, but it is what it is. Some people also believe all medical stuff is part of a conspiracy theory – sound like BIL might fit in this category. As my father got older, the conspiracy theories got worse. 🙂 I ended up making all my fathers medical decisions because he wasn't interested in knowing anything about cancer. So I concentrated on treatments/solutions that gave the most bang for the buck while preserving quality of life.
You've done a ton of research – it's all you can do. You can't force someone to get treatment. Basically, BIL is choosing his own fate and nothing you do can change that. You have a unique experience caring for someone with terminal cancer, but some people will never "get it".
Janner
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- October 22, 2014 at 7:34 pm
Some people just don't want to know, or acknowledge that they have cancer. My 80+ year old father ended up with 4 types of cancer, but "no one in my family has ever had cancer". He couldn't believe that "Mr Healthy" could get cancer. So BIL is high risk, but there are some in his situation that never recur. Maybe he will be one of those. It's unfortunate that it might take melanoma hitting him over the head with a full blown recurrence for him to acknowledge this, but it is what it is. Some people also believe all medical stuff is part of a conspiracy theory – sound like BIL might fit in this category. As my father got older, the conspiracy theories got worse. 🙂 I ended up making all my fathers medical decisions because he wasn't interested in knowing anything about cancer. So I concentrated on treatments/solutions that gave the most bang for the buck while preserving quality of life.
You've done a ton of research – it's all you can do. You can't force someone to get treatment. Basically, BIL is choosing his own fate and nothing you do can change that. You have a unique experience caring for someone with terminal cancer, but some people will never "get it".
Janner
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- October 22, 2014 at 7:34 pm
Some people just don't want to know, or acknowledge that they have cancer. My 80+ year old father ended up with 4 types of cancer, but "no one in my family has ever had cancer". He couldn't believe that "Mr Healthy" could get cancer. So BIL is high risk, but there are some in his situation that never recur. Maybe he will be one of those. It's unfortunate that it might take melanoma hitting him over the head with a full blown recurrence for him to acknowledge this, but it is what it is. Some people also believe all medical stuff is part of a conspiracy theory – sound like BIL might fit in this category. As my father got older, the conspiracy theories got worse. 🙂 I ended up making all my fathers medical decisions because he wasn't interested in knowing anything about cancer. So I concentrated on treatments/solutions that gave the most bang for the buck while preserving quality of life.
You've done a ton of research – it's all you can do. You can't force someone to get treatment. Basically, BIL is choosing his own fate and nothing you do can change that. You have a unique experience caring for someone with terminal cancer, but some people will never "get it".
Janner
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- October 23, 2014 at 6:35 pm
Janner: I wish I could force him to get treatment! For his own sake, of course….and also for mine, I realize. I don't want to lose another close loved one too young to cancer.
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm dreading his not following up on what he's been told so far, and then (all of us) being in limbo, until….It's the not knowing. What's in there? What will happen? What won't happen? As I read on another thread yesterday, everybody here faces that in waiting for scan and other rest results. And I lived it with it for years with my first husband. Maybe this situation will help me learn to deal more constructively with uncertainty. To go ahead and LIVE, no matter what.
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- October 23, 2014 at 6:35 pm
Janner: I wish I could force him to get treatment! For his own sake, of course….and also for mine, I realize. I don't want to lose another close loved one too young to cancer.
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm dreading his not following up on what he's been told so far, and then (all of us) being in limbo, until….It's the not knowing. What's in there? What will happen? What won't happen? As I read on another thread yesterday, everybody here faces that in waiting for scan and other rest results. And I lived it with it for years with my first husband. Maybe this situation will help me learn to deal more constructively with uncertainty. To go ahead and LIVE, no matter what.
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- October 23, 2014 at 6:35 pm
Janner: I wish I could force him to get treatment! For his own sake, of course….and also for mine, I realize. I don't want to lose another close loved one too young to cancer.
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm dreading his not following up on what he's been told so far, and then (all of us) being in limbo, until….It's the not knowing. What's in there? What will happen? What won't happen? As I read on another thread yesterday, everybody here faces that in waiting for scan and other rest results. And I lived it with it for years with my first husband. Maybe this situation will help me learn to deal more constructively with uncertainty. To go ahead and LIVE, no matter what.
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