Post second infusion scans coming up on Wednesday

On Wednesday I'm scheduled for a full body CT and brain MRI to see if I am responding to the carboplatin/taxol/temodar Phase II trial I'm on. For such a long time (nearly two years) I didn't even think about scans but after brain mets in June followed by an adrenal tumor found in September, I find I am definitely thinking about this one. It isn't with the terror I had during that first year but flashes of anxiety are definitely popping up.

On Wednesday I'm scheduled for a full body CT and brain MRI to see if I am responding to the carboplatin/taxol/temodar Phase II trial I'm on. For such a long time (nearly two years) I didn't even think about scans but after brain mets in June followed by an adrenal tumor found in September, I find I am definitely thinking about this one. It isn't with the terror I had during that first year but flashes of anxiety are definitely popping up.

Plus, my oncologist, who I absolutely have loved and had total faith in, announced she is leaving UNM to take a wonderful position in the northeast in February.. She has assured me that all of her patients will be assigned to top oncologists and that she will leave them with a complete treatment plan. I trust her in this too and she has been such a caring doctor that I can only wish her the best – she deserves a life too!

The second infusion was much harder than the first one. I was hit really hard on the third day, no serious nausea, just extreme body and nerve pain. Also, the oral temodar caused me to faint one night resulting in a dislocated rib. I was so mad! It wasn't bad enough that I felt so horrible, then I couldn't breathe either! I actualy questioned my resolve to get through six cycles but just like the first time, on day eight it all passed and my usual optimism set in and I knew I can get through seven really hard days if it means defeating this beastie.

I find that about all I can manage to eat on days three through seven is broth and soft foods. It isn't that it makes me sick but that I have no appetite at all so I stick to nourishing things that I can easily get down. But boy, when day eight gets here, my appetite comes back with a vengence and I eat everything I can for the next three weeks to try to maintain my weight. Guilt free eating!

So if the scans show no new tumors and stable or reduced disease, I'm on for four more rounds. The next one on Dec 20th which means just like Thanksgiving, I'll be feeling the worst right through the holidays. But hey…I feel that I'm not doing this just for myself, I'm doing it for my husband, my family and all of the friends who have been there for me every day while my husband works out of state. The friend who rushed me to the hospital and saved my life when an undiagnosed brain tumor began bleeding into my brain. And the ones who have showed up every day to feed our horses and take care of outside chores when I've been too sick to.

I know this will sound impossible to newly diagnosed people, or those still in the first years of fear, but in many ways this disease has been an incredible gift by bringing me closer to the people I love and of learning to live fully in each moment with humor and joy. For everone else out there waiting for results, struggling to get through treatments, or caring for loved ones who are facing those things, I wish you peace and joy through the holidays and beyond! Carmon