› Forums › General Melanoma Community › In leu of that chat room. I will fall apart here. If you all don’t mind.
- This topic has 33 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 1 month ago by
Colleen66.
- Post
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- March 12, 2013 at 11:03 pm
Some may know my history, it is up to date on my profile. Surgery in October. Surgery in November. Interferon in December (two days after hubs mom died) to half of January then stopped per oncologist. No current treatment now which freaked me out. So I had two biopsies taken cuz I had some free time and they are dysplstic Nevis. Great news. These are how my primary started so two more WLE procedures, thankfully just in the procedure room. That's on the 5th of April.
Some may know my history, it is up to date on my profile. Surgery in October. Surgery in November. Interferon in December (two days after hubs mom died) to half of January then stopped per oncologist. No current treatment now which freaked me out. So I had two biopsies taken cuz I had some free time and they are dysplstic Nevis. Great news. These are how my primary started so two more WLE procedures, thankfully just in the procedure room. That's on the 5th of April. And finally I get my scans on April 9th to see if the lung thing grew bigger than 4mm. This is my scared to death point. I would go to stage 4.
You can cut things out of me, pull out nodes but playing around with the internal stuff is paralyzing me with fear. It came on when we got home from a month in Florida. Life seemed so normal and happy and great excersing and shopping (I've gone from a size 16 to a 6 in a year, partly due to eating gluten free and then not being able to eat while on Interferon. when I was shopping I was thinking. I wonder if this would fit my daughter when I'm gone.
I have continued to crazily clean and organize the house. A few more degrees warmer and I can wash the outside windows.
I am continuing to teach my 17 year son life skills. Cleaning, laundry. Kitchen, shampooing carpets. Chasing spider web's,, etc. We have also started an herb garden, quite large. He should be a great gardener before I die. Hubs and I do all paperwork together so he will be fine. I also keep a copy of all passwords and account numbers in a book in a lockbox with important papers.
So, yes, since we returned to the dull cloudiness of Ohio, I have lost my great attitude I have carried all along. I just don't know where it went. My depression is up, my anxiety is way up, and this weather makes my joints ache.
When do you get to the point where you don't have some kind of procedure or treatment going. Where you can catch your breath and not planning more treatment for the next stage. People say just push it to the back of your mind and keep living. But when things are happening monthly I cant seem to do that. I am a naturally positive person with empathy for everyone one this board and most people in general. I am very spiritual, take care of my chakras, meditate, use essential oils. And match colors according to my aura.
I know I lost a few of you there but these are strategies for me to keep going and healing.
I'm tired from the last 6 months, hurrying to get stuff done at home and scared about next month.
Any advise, kind words, kick in the pants, PMA, lullabies welcomed. Nasty remarks will be burned in the fireplace.
Thanks, Colleen
- Replies
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- March 12, 2013 at 11:27 pm
Colleen,
I hope you DO get to that place soon, where you don't have to do treatments and your anxiety levels drop.
I think you should do a little more of that meditation..a little visualizing of your healthy future!
It might help to think of something that, maybe, you've always wanted to do, and haven't. Art, music, dance, photography..something that will bring joy into your life without bringing a bunch of pressure.
I can't really express to anyone how much music has helped me on my journey with melanoma. It is so enriching, that it burns melanoma out of my mind, even if it's only for short periods of time.
Find something you can be passionate about
It's pretty normal to be anxious about scans, so between now and mid april, you could set yourself to some project. Something a little more FUN than cleaning<g> Like.. design an english flower garden for your back yard, or..learn to play the ukulele~
Good luck!
dian
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- March 12, 2013 at 11:27 pm
Colleen,
I hope you DO get to that place soon, where you don't have to do treatments and your anxiety levels drop.
I think you should do a little more of that meditation..a little visualizing of your healthy future!
It might help to think of something that, maybe, you've always wanted to do, and haven't. Art, music, dance, photography..something that will bring joy into your life without bringing a bunch of pressure.
I can't really express to anyone how much music has helped me on my journey with melanoma. It is so enriching, that it burns melanoma out of my mind, even if it's only for short periods of time.
Find something you can be passionate about
It's pretty normal to be anxious about scans, so between now and mid april, you could set yourself to some project. Something a little more FUN than cleaning<g> Like.. design an english flower garden for your back yard, or..learn to play the ukulele~
Good luck!
dian
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- March 12, 2013 at 11:27 pm
Colleen,
I hope you DO get to that place soon, where you don't have to do treatments and your anxiety levels drop.
I think you should do a little more of that meditation..a little visualizing of your healthy future!
It might help to think of something that, maybe, you've always wanted to do, and haven't. Art, music, dance, photography..something that will bring joy into your life without bringing a bunch of pressure.
I can't really express to anyone how much music has helped me on my journey with melanoma. It is so enriching, that it burns melanoma out of my mind, even if it's only for short periods of time.
Find something you can be passionate about
It's pretty normal to be anxious about scans, so between now and mid april, you could set yourself to some project. Something a little more FUN than cleaning<g> Like.. design an english flower garden for your back yard, or..learn to play the ukulele~
Good luck!
dian
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- March 12, 2013 at 11:39 pm
Hello, Colleen,
You didn’t lose me. I’m sorry you’re going through this; I think we all do. I recognize some of myself in you, only I don’t do the nesting thing, I just lay around in bed and eat gluten. Your humor is a lot like mine.
Seriously, aside from all the possible melanoma crap you have going on, you do sound depressed. Maybe some seasonal affective disorder going on too? Do you take vitamin D3? Couldn’t hurt. Foggy, humid & generally crappy weather always get me down. If you’re not on antidepressants, maybe you should check with your doc. You are normal. There would be something wrong if you didn’t have these fears. perhaps you were deflecting before. We have to be the up-beat ones, sometimes not letting our spouses see our fear and pain…never our children.
I’m here for you, only no lullabies. You’d run for the hills.
You have been amazing, and you still are.
This disease really sucks–all we can do is try to kick its butt, one day at a time.
Love,
Karen-
- March 13, 2013 at 1:12 am
Hey Colleen,
Thank you for posting this today! I have been feeling really crappy myself these last few weeks – not sure if I am in physical or emotional pain, but whatever, it is comforting to know that not everybody with this stupid melanoma is always brave and positive. My next onc appointment is Monday, scans in early April. I crazily look forward to finding out what is going on, although by then I will probably have reverted to my usual Scarlett O'Hara way of dealing with bad stuff – you know, think about it tomorrow.
Loved what you said about your chakras – don't know what I would do without my yoga practice! I will be thinking of you and hoping we both feel better. Meanwhile, I send you peace and light.
Lear
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:12 am
Hey Colleen,
Thank you for posting this today! I have been feeling really crappy myself these last few weeks – not sure if I am in physical or emotional pain, but whatever, it is comforting to know that not everybody with this stupid melanoma is always brave and positive. My next onc appointment is Monday, scans in early April. I crazily look forward to finding out what is going on, although by then I will probably have reverted to my usual Scarlett O'Hara way of dealing with bad stuff – you know, think about it tomorrow.
Loved what you said about your chakras – don't know what I would do without my yoga practice! I will be thinking of you and hoping we both feel better. Meanwhile, I send you peace and light.
Lear
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:12 am
Hey Colleen,
Thank you for posting this today! I have been feeling really crappy myself these last few weeks – not sure if I am in physical or emotional pain, but whatever, it is comforting to know that not everybody with this stupid melanoma is always brave and positive. My next onc appointment is Monday, scans in early April. I crazily look forward to finding out what is going on, although by then I will probably have reverted to my usual Scarlett O'Hara way of dealing with bad stuff – you know, think about it tomorrow.
Loved what you said about your chakras – don't know what I would do without my yoga practice! I will be thinking of you and hoping we both feel better. Meanwhile, I send you peace and light.
Lear
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:41 am
I do love music. I have it on all the time. Things like nature ensembles, chants, classics and yes, I love ABBA.
I'm already taking my anti depression and anxiety and pain and muscle relaxer meds, lol. See the psych again in the morning then in the afternoon followup with the optomologist, there were pigmented cells in the back of my eye, suspected effect from interferon. Who cares at this point. I'm tired.
Love you all and tomorrow is another day i guess.
Colleen
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:41 am
I do love music. I have it on all the time. Things like nature ensembles, chants, classics and yes, I love ABBA.
I'm already taking my anti depression and anxiety and pain and muscle relaxer meds, lol. See the psych again in the morning then in the afternoon followup with the optomologist, there were pigmented cells in the back of my eye, suspected effect from interferon. Who cares at this point. I'm tired.
Love you all and tomorrow is another day i guess.
Colleen
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:41 am
I do love music. I have it on all the time. Things like nature ensembles, chants, classics and yes, I love ABBA.
I'm already taking my anti depression and anxiety and pain and muscle relaxer meds, lol. See the psych again in the morning then in the afternoon followup with the optomologist, there were pigmented cells in the back of my eye, suspected effect from interferon. Who cares at this point. I'm tired.
Love you all and tomorrow is another day i guess.
Colleen
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- March 12, 2013 at 11:39 pm
Hello, Colleen,
You didn’t lose me. I’m sorry you’re going through this; I think we all do. I recognize some of myself in you, only I don’t do the nesting thing, I just lay around in bed and eat gluten. Your humor is a lot like mine.
Seriously, aside from all the possible melanoma crap you have going on, you do sound depressed. Maybe some seasonal affective disorder going on too? Do you take vitamin D3? Couldn’t hurt. Foggy, humid & generally crappy weather always get me down. If you’re not on antidepressants, maybe you should check with your doc. You are normal. There would be something wrong if you didn’t have these fears. perhaps you were deflecting before. We have to be the up-beat ones, sometimes not letting our spouses see our fear and pain…never our children.
I’m here for you, only no lullabies. You’d run for the hills.
You have been amazing, and you still are.
This disease really sucks–all we can do is try to kick its butt, one day at a time.
Love,
Karen -
- March 12, 2013 at 11:39 pm
Hello, Colleen,
You didn’t lose me. I’m sorry you’re going through this; I think we all do. I recognize some of myself in you, only I don’t do the nesting thing, I just lay around in bed and eat gluten. Your humor is a lot like mine.
Seriously, aside from all the possible melanoma crap you have going on, you do sound depressed. Maybe some seasonal affective disorder going on too? Do you take vitamin D3? Couldn’t hurt. Foggy, humid & generally crappy weather always get me down. If you’re not on antidepressants, maybe you should check with your doc. You are normal. There would be something wrong if you didn’t have these fears. perhaps you were deflecting before. We have to be the up-beat ones, sometimes not letting our spouses see our fear and pain…never our children.
I’m here for you, only no lullabies. You’d run for the hills.
You have been amazing, and you still are.
This disease really sucks–all we can do is try to kick its butt, one day at a time.
Love,
Karen -
- March 13, 2013 at 3:26 am
Hi Colleen,
So sorry that you are experiencing this low….it happens! I don't think there is anyone who is at your stage of melanoma who hasn't experienced this hopeless, desperate place and hopefully you won't stay there long. I feel from what you've shared, you'll be o.k. and this will pass. I've been there too, just coming out of my own fog and now realizing it was partly due to medication. I've been going through severe menopause symptoms and my oncologist suggested a patch. It worked great and I was so relieved to get a break from hot flashes that I didn't realize it had also turned me into a zombie and I kept blaming it on winter blues and my melanoma battle, I am currently stage IV and doing the wait and watch, which causes a lot of anxiety when you are sitting idle.
I think you are doing a great job managing your stress and what you're experiencing is completely normal for someone who is facing the challenges that you are. If you were on the couch 24/7…I would say you need more help, perhaps medication but that can have it's problems too.
I am a very positive person too and just hate when I've lost the ability to stay up all the time..but it happens. Be patient, allow yourself that space to wallow in your fear and acknowledge the scarry place you're in. Once you've given yourself permission to do that, you'll recover, you'll be back on track. Even positive upbeat people get discouraged but I am confident you won't stay there long. Keep us updated to your scans in April and I will be keeping good thoughts for you.
Take care,
Swanee
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- March 13, 2013 at 3:26 am
Hi Colleen,
So sorry that you are experiencing this low….it happens! I don't think there is anyone who is at your stage of melanoma who hasn't experienced this hopeless, desperate place and hopefully you won't stay there long. I feel from what you've shared, you'll be o.k. and this will pass. I've been there too, just coming out of my own fog and now realizing it was partly due to medication. I've been going through severe menopause symptoms and my oncologist suggested a patch. It worked great and I was so relieved to get a break from hot flashes that I didn't realize it had also turned me into a zombie and I kept blaming it on winter blues and my melanoma battle, I am currently stage IV and doing the wait and watch, which causes a lot of anxiety when you are sitting idle.
I think you are doing a great job managing your stress and what you're experiencing is completely normal for someone who is facing the challenges that you are. If you were on the couch 24/7…I would say you need more help, perhaps medication but that can have it's problems too.
I am a very positive person too and just hate when I've lost the ability to stay up all the time..but it happens. Be patient, allow yourself that space to wallow in your fear and acknowledge the scarry place you're in. Once you've given yourself permission to do that, you'll recover, you'll be back on track. Even positive upbeat people get discouraged but I am confident you won't stay there long. Keep us updated to your scans in April and I will be keeping good thoughts for you.
Take care,
Swanee
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- March 13, 2013 at 3:26 am
Hi Colleen,
So sorry that you are experiencing this low….it happens! I don't think there is anyone who is at your stage of melanoma who hasn't experienced this hopeless, desperate place and hopefully you won't stay there long. I feel from what you've shared, you'll be o.k. and this will pass. I've been there too, just coming out of my own fog and now realizing it was partly due to medication. I've been going through severe menopause symptoms and my oncologist suggested a patch. It worked great and I was so relieved to get a break from hot flashes that I didn't realize it had also turned me into a zombie and I kept blaming it on winter blues and my melanoma battle, I am currently stage IV and doing the wait and watch, which causes a lot of anxiety when you are sitting idle.
I think you are doing a great job managing your stress and what you're experiencing is completely normal for someone who is facing the challenges that you are. If you were on the couch 24/7…I would say you need more help, perhaps medication but that can have it's problems too.
I am a very positive person too and just hate when I've lost the ability to stay up all the time..but it happens. Be patient, allow yourself that space to wallow in your fear and acknowledge the scarry place you're in. Once you've given yourself permission to do that, you'll recover, you'll be back on track. Even positive upbeat people get discouraged but I am confident you won't stay there long. Keep us updated to your scans in April and I will be keeping good thoughts for you.
Take care,
Swanee
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:43 pm
This fight is always scary.What with the dreary Ohio weather and the period of no treatment everyone of us here would be depressed.This fight is not for the weak.I know you are a fighter .In my prayers.Beat the Beast. Al
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:43 pm
This fight is always scary.What with the dreary Ohio weather and the period of no treatment everyone of us here would be depressed.This fight is not for the weak.I know you are a fighter .In my prayers.Beat the Beast. Al
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- March 13, 2013 at 1:43 pm
This fight is always scary.What with the dreary Ohio weather and the period of no treatment everyone of us here would be depressed.This fight is not for the weak.I know you are a fighter .In my prayers.Beat the Beast. Al
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- March 13, 2013 at 4:54 pm
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, Colleen. If I had any extra energy or positivity, I'd send it your way. Unfortunately, amidst a house remodel, the business of farming, raising five boys, a challenging marriage, yada yada yada…I'm maxed out myself. I suspect your feelings are quite normal, although they're not the reality for my husband ~ who is also stage 3B, diagnosed in July, 2012. I wish he'd display *some* real reaction in response to this unexpected and unwanted journey. It seems to be nothing more than a minor inconvience to him, and any emotion on my part is totally incomprehensible to him. At least you're able to keep it real, and that counts for something. All the best to you.
Warmly,
Colleen
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- March 13, 2013 at 4:54 pm
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, Colleen. If I had any extra energy or positivity, I'd send it your way. Unfortunately, amidst a house remodel, the business of farming, raising five boys, a challenging marriage, yada yada yada…I'm maxed out myself. I suspect your feelings are quite normal, although they're not the reality for my husband ~ who is also stage 3B, diagnosed in July, 2012. I wish he'd display *some* real reaction in response to this unexpected and unwanted journey. It seems to be nothing more than a minor inconvience to him, and any emotion on my part is totally incomprehensible to him. At least you're able to keep it real, and that counts for something. All the best to you.
Warmly,
Colleen
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- March 13, 2013 at 4:54 pm
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, Colleen. If I had any extra energy or positivity, I'd send it your way. Unfortunately, amidst a house remodel, the business of farming, raising five boys, a challenging marriage, yada yada yada…I'm maxed out myself. I suspect your feelings are quite normal, although they're not the reality for my husband ~ who is also stage 3B, diagnosed in July, 2012. I wish he'd display *some* real reaction in response to this unexpected and unwanted journey. It seems to be nothing more than a minor inconvience to him, and any emotion on my part is totally incomprehensible to him. At least you're able to keep it real, and that counts for something. All the best to you.
Warmly,
Colleen
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- March 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Hi Colleen,
My experience is that these diagnoses can be like depth charges being sent down into my belief systems. It takes time to get my head around them, my feelings, my beliefs about basic things like being able to enjoy every mundane little bit of each day that I take for granted. It forces changes in some of the internal structures of my thinking and beliefs, over time perhaps lots of things. As such that continues to be an ongoing process for me.After my second set of brain surgeries/radiation, I went to a one-day educational program at a local hospice. They delved into our society's mass of beliefs (from TV shows, movies, and so forth) that tend to involuntarily program into us a certain set of approaches to death and dying. And then imagined/start to reprogram them in a new way — that doesn't have to be such an overwhelming tale of crushing misfortune, horrible loss, despair and bitter end. Many of these things don't have to be intrinsic to the situation.Note that I'm not at all recommending my specific choice of visiting a hospice at all, rather I'm describing something has helped me a little bit, given where my progression went.
Anyway, at that particular hospice (Zen Hospice of San Francisco), one thing they do is focus on a different set of beliefs around the possibility of dying, building a more positive outlook on the whole thing. That at a belief level, at least, it doesn't have to be horrible, nightmarish, outcome. More like the next step in a journey.
Since then I've had about 20 months of stability/shrinking disease. Which is very nice! Even so, I believe that if I can't change the picture (the diagnosis, the bad old statistics, the somewhat better but not absolutely great new statistics, the possible treatments, and everything else about this disease the mind can obssess on), maybe I can change the framework, the stories that I tell myself around that picture. I think that's at least a form of PMA!
As a side note, I understand that the interferon that you did is a rough path. I didn't do interferon but a friend of mine who did, and who also like me did IL-2, said that the interferon was by far the hardest treatment he's done.Keep on trucking… – Kyle -
- March 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Hi Colleen,
My experience is that these diagnoses can be like depth charges being sent down into my belief systems. It takes time to get my head around them, my feelings, my beliefs about basic things like being able to enjoy every mundane little bit of each day that I take for granted. It forces changes in some of the internal structures of my thinking and beliefs, over time perhaps lots of things. As such that continues to be an ongoing process for me.After my second set of brain surgeries/radiation, I went to a one-day educational program at a local hospice. They delved into our society's mass of beliefs (from TV shows, movies, and so forth) that tend to involuntarily program into us a certain set of approaches to death and dying. And then imagined/start to reprogram them in a new way — that doesn't have to be such an overwhelming tale of crushing misfortune, horrible loss, despair and bitter end. Many of these things don't have to be intrinsic to the situation.Note that I'm not at all recommending my specific choice of visiting a hospice at all, rather I'm describing something has helped me a little bit, given where my progression went.
Anyway, at that particular hospice (Zen Hospice of San Francisco), one thing they do is focus on a different set of beliefs around the possibility of dying, building a more positive outlook on the whole thing. That at a belief level, at least, it doesn't have to be horrible, nightmarish, outcome. More like the next step in a journey.
Since then I've had about 20 months of stability/shrinking disease. Which is very nice! Even so, I believe that if I can't change the picture (the diagnosis, the bad old statistics, the somewhat better but not absolutely great new statistics, the possible treatments, and everything else about this disease the mind can obssess on), maybe I can change the framework, the stories that I tell myself around that picture. I think that's at least a form of PMA!
As a side note, I understand that the interferon that you did is a rough path. I didn't do interferon but a friend of mine who did, and who also like me did IL-2, said that the interferon was by far the hardest treatment he's done.Keep on trucking… – Kyle -
- March 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Hi Colleen,
My experience is that these diagnoses can be like depth charges being sent down into my belief systems. It takes time to get my head around them, my feelings, my beliefs about basic things like being able to enjoy every mundane little bit of each day that I take for granted. It forces changes in some of the internal structures of my thinking and beliefs, over time perhaps lots of things. As such that continues to be an ongoing process for me.After my second set of brain surgeries/radiation, I went to a one-day educational program at a local hospice. They delved into our society's mass of beliefs (from TV shows, movies, and so forth) that tend to involuntarily program into us a certain set of approaches to death and dying. And then imagined/start to reprogram them in a new way — that doesn't have to be such an overwhelming tale of crushing misfortune, horrible loss, despair and bitter end. Many of these things don't have to be intrinsic to the situation.Note that I'm not at all recommending my specific choice of visiting a hospice at all, rather I'm describing something has helped me a little bit, given where my progression went.
Anyway, at that particular hospice (Zen Hospice of San Francisco), one thing they do is focus on a different set of beliefs around the possibility of dying, building a more positive outlook on the whole thing. That at a belief level, at least, it doesn't have to be horrible, nightmarish, outcome. More like the next step in a journey.
Since then I've had about 20 months of stability/shrinking disease. Which is very nice! Even so, I believe that if I can't change the picture (the diagnosis, the bad old statistics, the somewhat better but not absolutely great new statistics, the possible treatments, and everything else about this disease the mind can obssess on), maybe I can change the framework, the stories that I tell myself around that picture. I think that's at least a form of PMA!
As a side note, I understand that the interferon that you did is a rough path. I didn't do interferon but a friend of mine who did, and who also like me did IL-2, said that the interferon was by far the hardest treatment he's done.Keep on trucking… – Kyle -
- March 14, 2013 at 12:52 am
Colleen:
First, I cannot tell you how badly I feel that Chat is not available to you. I haven't been on Chat in a long, long time, but I remember a lot of late night conversations that were wonderful opportunities to gossip, laugh, share sorry, offer encouragement. I know we are letting the community down and just don't know what else to do to try to fix it faster.
Second, thank you for being honest about your feelings. Cancer is not all pink fluffy sweaters and smiling faces. Sometimes you just need to feel bad, anxious, depressed. Your honesty will help more people than you know; it gives others permission to be something other than the cancer poster child.
I believe the challenge is to distinguish between normal anxiety and depression and something that is more than that. Interferon can exacerbate those feelings, but I would have thought it would have cleared your system by now. If your feelings persist you should talk with your doctor about it.
I have to say I am impressed with your courage and strength. The effort of preparing your family for the possiblity that you won't be around is truly amazing. The hope and likelihood is that you will have many more years, but the fact that you are focused on their becoming independent is a wonderful gift. Not many can find the will to fight their own battle and be the touchstone for others at the same time.
I know that April 9 may seem like forever to wait. Please know that I and many others will be thinking of you during this time, and hoping for very good results of the scan.
Tim–MRF
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- March 14, 2013 at 12:52 am
Colleen:
First, I cannot tell you how badly I feel that Chat is not available to you. I haven't been on Chat in a long, long time, but I remember a lot of late night conversations that were wonderful opportunities to gossip, laugh, share sorry, offer encouragement. I know we are letting the community down and just don't know what else to do to try to fix it faster.
Second, thank you for being honest about your feelings. Cancer is not all pink fluffy sweaters and smiling faces. Sometimes you just need to feel bad, anxious, depressed. Your honesty will help more people than you know; it gives others permission to be something other than the cancer poster child.
I believe the challenge is to distinguish between normal anxiety and depression and something that is more than that. Interferon can exacerbate those feelings, but I would have thought it would have cleared your system by now. If your feelings persist you should talk with your doctor about it.
I have to say I am impressed with your courage and strength. The effort of preparing your family for the possiblity that you won't be around is truly amazing. The hope and likelihood is that you will have many more years, but the fact that you are focused on their becoming independent is a wonderful gift. Not many can find the will to fight their own battle and be the touchstone for others at the same time.
I know that April 9 may seem like forever to wait. Please know that I and many others will be thinking of you during this time, and hoping for very good results of the scan.
Tim–MRF
-
- March 14, 2013 at 12:52 am
Colleen:
First, I cannot tell you how badly I feel that Chat is not available to you. I haven't been on Chat in a long, long time, but I remember a lot of late night conversations that were wonderful opportunities to gossip, laugh, share sorry, offer encouragement. I know we are letting the community down and just don't know what else to do to try to fix it faster.
Second, thank you for being honest about your feelings. Cancer is not all pink fluffy sweaters and smiling faces. Sometimes you just need to feel bad, anxious, depressed. Your honesty will help more people than you know; it gives others permission to be something other than the cancer poster child.
I believe the challenge is to distinguish between normal anxiety and depression and something that is more than that. Interferon can exacerbate those feelings, but I would have thought it would have cleared your system by now. If your feelings persist you should talk with your doctor about it.
I have to say I am impressed with your courage and strength. The effort of preparing your family for the possiblity that you won't be around is truly amazing. The hope and likelihood is that you will have many more years, but the fact that you are focused on their becoming independent is a wonderful gift. Not many can find the will to fight their own battle and be the touchstone for others at the same time.
I know that April 9 may seem like forever to wait. Please know that I and many others will be thinking of you during this time, and hoping for very good results of the scan.
Tim–MRF
-
- March 14, 2013 at 2:20 pm
I truly appreciate all of your replies. I wish we could all sit around in my living room and share stuff.
I saw my Psychologist yesterday. We upped one of my antidepressants and am allowed to double my anxiety med if needed. I'm bipolar, so I think after keeping my spirits up and our vacation to Florida, I swung to the low side. It's not new to me so I think now that I figured out what has happened, I can be a little easier on myself and just run the course. I haven't had a big swing for awhile so it caught me off guard. I also saw the Eye Specialist for followup from the effects of interferon. All the inflammation is gone, still have the pigment changes in the back of the eye and some blocked tear ducts. Vision is no longer affected so all is good in eye land.
The sun is out this morning so I'm enjoying my coffee in my sunroom.
Thank you all again. Hugs all around.
Colleen
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- March 14, 2013 at 2:20 pm
I truly appreciate all of your replies. I wish we could all sit around in my living room and share stuff.
I saw my Psychologist yesterday. We upped one of my antidepressants and am allowed to double my anxiety med if needed. I'm bipolar, so I think after keeping my spirits up and our vacation to Florida, I swung to the low side. It's not new to me so I think now that I figured out what has happened, I can be a little easier on myself and just run the course. I haven't had a big swing for awhile so it caught me off guard. I also saw the Eye Specialist for followup from the effects of interferon. All the inflammation is gone, still have the pigment changes in the back of the eye and some blocked tear ducts. Vision is no longer affected so all is good in eye land.
The sun is out this morning so I'm enjoying my coffee in my sunroom.
Thank you all again. Hugs all around.
Colleen
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- March 14, 2013 at 2:20 pm
I truly appreciate all of your replies. I wish we could all sit around in my living room and share stuff.
I saw my Psychologist yesterday. We upped one of my antidepressants and am allowed to double my anxiety med if needed. I'm bipolar, so I think after keeping my spirits up and our vacation to Florida, I swung to the low side. It's not new to me so I think now that I figured out what has happened, I can be a little easier on myself and just run the course. I haven't had a big swing for awhile so it caught me off guard. I also saw the Eye Specialist for followup from the effects of interferon. All the inflammation is gone, still have the pigment changes in the back of the eye and some blocked tear ducts. Vision is no longer affected so all is good in eye land.
The sun is out this morning so I'm enjoying my coffee in my sunroom.
Thank you all again. Hugs all around.
Colleen
-
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