Guilt

Jared,

You are human. We all screw up. I used a tanning bed to relax my aching back, after being on my feet all day as a bank teller. And yes, I think that tipped me over the edge since I had ALREADY HAD some melanomas.

That being said, my dermatologist who handled those melanomas never really explained that I needed to be super vigilant, not tan (whether at the beach or a tanning salon), use sunscreen, etc. I have a college degree and just didn't "get it".

I'm assuming you are in the military (or possibly a contractor). Either way, facing Afghanistan is scary stuff. My husband deployed six times. While I had those first melanomas, he was between delpoyments. We worried more about HIS survival and not mine.

It is natural to think "my gosh, here I am going into a war zone, but I deliberately did stupid stuff that could also kill me". We don't get to go back. All you can do is move forward.

Sunscreen is terribly hard to use in Afghanistan. It melts right off, the sand sticks to you everywhere, just on and on. So do your best, that's all you can do.

Meanwhile, stay safe, forgive yourself, and I will pray for you whether in country or out! And also, God bless our miltary, current or retired.

TracyLee Stage IV May 2011/proud military wife for 23 years!!!!!

Jared,

You are human. We all screw up. I used a tanning bed to relax my aching back, after being on my feet all day as a bank teller. And yes, I think that tipped me over the edge since I had ALREADY HAD some melanomas.

That being said, my dermatologist who handled those melanomas never really explained that I needed to be super vigilant, not tan (whether at the beach or a tanning salon), use sunscreen, etc. I have a college degree and just didn't "get it".

I'm assuming you are in the military (or possibly a contractor). Either way, facing Afghanistan is scary stuff. My husband deployed six times. While I had those first melanomas, he was between delpoyments. We worried more about HIS survival and not mine.

It is natural to think "my gosh, here I am going into a war zone, but I deliberately did stupid stuff that could also kill me". We don't get to go back. All you can do is move forward.

Sunscreen is terribly hard to use in Afghanistan. It melts right off, the sand sticks to you everywhere, just on and on. So do your best, that's all you can do.

Meanwhile, stay safe, forgive yourself, and I will pray for you whether in country or out! And also, God bless our miltary, current or retired.

TracyLee Stage IV May 2011/proud military wife for 23 years!!!!!

Jared,

You are human. We all screw up. I used a tanning bed to relax my aching back, after being on my feet all day as a bank teller. And yes, I think that tipped me over the edge since I had ALREADY HAD some melanomas.

That being said, my dermatologist who handled those melanomas never really explained that I needed to be super vigilant, not tan (whether at the beach or a tanning salon), use sunscreen, etc. I have a college degree and just didn't "get it".

I'm assuming you are in the military (or possibly a contractor). Either way, facing Afghanistan is scary stuff. My husband deployed six times. While I had those first melanomas, he was between delpoyments. We worried more about HIS survival and not mine.

It is natural to think "my gosh, here I am going into a war zone, but I deliberately did stupid stuff that could also kill me". We don't get to go back. All you can do is move forward.

Sunscreen is terribly hard to use in Afghanistan. It melts right off, the sand sticks to you everywhere, just on and on. So do your best, that's all you can do.

Meanwhile, stay safe, forgive yourself, and I will pray for you whether in country or out! And also, God bless our miltary, current or retired.

TracyLee Stage IV May 2011/proud military wife for 23 years!!!!!

Jared,

I haven't done much on here lately, but I've got to answer you. Friend, you've got a lot going on and at least three parts of your life, right now, are highly stressful. Your Mom's death from melanoma, your own diagnosis, and your looming deployment. If you've got access to a therapist of some sort before you leave, that would be really good in your case.

In case you don't:

One, you aren't your Mom. As much as you want to identify with her, don't try and take her story on as yours. It isn't yours. Just because she went from stage 1 to 4 doesn't mean you will. You have to take your life one day at a time like the rest of us. Stay vigilant and do what you can to stay on top of future problems.

As I look at what you've got going on, it occurs to me that you're not only grieving your Mom, you're grieving your own diagnosis…your life has changed and that affects your family and you're grieving the guilt you feel over having tanned…if I hadn't tanned I wouldn't have to deal with melanoma. And you're possibly also grieving leaving your family at this time and going to Afghanistan. I'm sure that's not easy to do because of, as you say, the high risk involved. Various sources of "grief" appear, to me, to be the big issue and "guilt" is a part of that.

I understand why you feel guilty and we can all feel guilty at times. I didn't listen to my Mama for decades about getting my mole removed and I knew my family history. I have reason to feel guilty, too. But I don't now and I'll tell you why. I can't go back and change a thing. Life moves forward and we all make bad, irreversible choices and have to live with the consequences. While I don't want melanoma and didn't choose it, I can't change having it. Also, I don't feel guilty because that doesn't help a thing; in fact, guilt, like fear, can work against a person.

What you're feeling is normal given everything you've got going on. We're all wired to grieve differently and it's most unfortunate that you've got your own diagnosis and deployment to deal with on top of your Mom's death. You don't have the freedom to grieve her like you need to without all that other piling on..but that's life as you have it right now. Try to take a step back and ascertain what you feel you need to do to help yourself at this time. Is there a way you can do what you feel you need to do?

Some people start journaling, exercising, becoming an advocate for something they associate with their loved one. What can you do that is positive that will honor your Mom? Also, love on your family while you are still at home with them. Channel that misplaced and undeserved guilt into being a husband and dad. And do the crying you need to do. Tell the stories about Mom that keep her alive for you.

It will take time and you will miss her the rest of your days but the open wound will scab and then scar over. But you be who who are. You be her son, her daughter-in-law's husband, and her grandchildren's father. You have to be you. You cannot be her.

All the best to you, Jared. If you'd like, drop by Melanoma Prayer Center and also Melanoma Grief Chapel on facebook. You don't have to be on fb or like the sites.

Again, if you have someone on base or Chaplain you can talk face-to-face with, that would be good.

Grace and peace,

Carol

Jared,

I haven't done much on here lately, but I've got to answer you. Friend, you've got a lot going on and at least three parts of your life, right now, are highly stressful. Your Mom's death from melanoma, your own diagnosis, and your looming deployment. If you've got access to a therapist of some sort before you leave, that would be really good in your case.

In case you don't:

One, you aren't your Mom. As much as you want to identify with her, don't try and take her story on as yours. It isn't yours. Just because she went from stage 1 to 4 doesn't mean you will. You have to take your life one day at a time like the rest of us. Stay vigilant and do what you can to stay on top of future problems.

As I look at what you've got going on, it occurs to me that you're not only grieving your Mom, you're grieving your own diagnosis…your life has changed and that affects your family and you're grieving the guilt you feel over having tanned…if I hadn't tanned I wouldn't have to deal with melanoma. And you're possibly also grieving leaving your family at this time and going to Afghanistan. I'm sure that's not easy to do because of, as you say, the high risk involved. Various sources of "grief" appear, to me, to be the big issue and "guilt" is a part of that.

I understand why you feel guilty and we can all feel guilty at times. I didn't listen to my Mama for decades about getting my mole removed and I knew my family history. I have reason to feel guilty, too. But I don't now and I'll tell you why. I can't go back and change a thing. Life moves forward and we all make bad, irreversible choices and have to live with the consequences. While I don't want melanoma and didn't choose it, I can't change having it. Also, I don't feel guilty because that doesn't help a thing; in fact, guilt, like fear, can work against a person.

What you're feeling is normal given everything you've got going on. We're all wired to grieve differently and it's most unfortunate that you've got your own diagnosis and deployment to deal with on top of your Mom's death. You don't have the freedom to grieve her like you need to without all that other piling on..but that's life as you have it right now. Try to take a step back and ascertain what you feel you need to do to help yourself at this time. Is there a way you can do what you feel you need to do?

Some people start journaling, exercising, becoming an advocate for something they associate with their loved one. What can you do that is positive that will honor your Mom? Also, love on your family while you are still at home with them. Channel that misplaced and undeserved guilt into being a husband and dad. And do the crying you need to do. Tell the stories about Mom that keep her alive for you.

It will take time and you will miss her the rest of your days but the open wound will scab and then scar over. But you be who who are. You be her son, her daughter-in-law's husband, and her grandchildren's father. You have to be you. You cannot be her.

All the best to you, Jared. If you'd like, drop by Melanoma Prayer Center and also Melanoma Grief Chapel on facebook. You don't have to be on fb or like the sites.

Again, if you have someone on base or Chaplain you can talk face-to-face with, that would be good.

Grace and peace,

Carol

Jared,

I haven't done much on here lately, but I've got to answer you. Friend, you've got a lot going on and at least three parts of your life, right now, are highly stressful. Your Mom's death from melanoma, your own diagnosis, and your looming deployment. If you've got access to a therapist of some sort before you leave, that would be really good in your case.

In case you don't:

One, you aren't your Mom. As much as you want to identify with her, don't try and take her story on as yours. It isn't yours. Just because she went from stage 1 to 4 doesn't mean you will. You have to take your life one day at a time like the rest of us. Stay vigilant and do what you can to stay on top of future problems.

As I look at what you've got going on, it occurs to me that you're not only grieving your Mom, you're grieving your own diagnosis…your life has changed and that affects your family and you're grieving the guilt you feel over having tanned…if I hadn't tanned I wouldn't have to deal with melanoma. And you're possibly also grieving leaving your family at this time and going to Afghanistan. I'm sure that's not easy to do because of, as you say, the high risk involved. Various sources of "grief" appear, to me, to be the big issue and "guilt" is a part of that.

I understand why you feel guilty and we can all feel guilty at times. I didn't listen to my Mama for decades about getting my mole removed and I knew my family history. I have reason to feel guilty, too. But I don't now and I'll tell you why. I can't go back and change a thing. Life moves forward and we all make bad, irreversible choices and have to live with the consequences. While I don't want melanoma and didn't choose it, I can't change having it. Also, I don't feel guilty because that doesn't help a thing; in fact, guilt, like fear, can work against a person.

What you're feeling is normal given everything you've got going on. We're all wired to grieve differently and it's most unfortunate that you've got your own diagnosis and deployment to deal with on top of your Mom's death. You don't have the freedom to grieve her like you need to without all that other piling on..but that's life as you have it right now. Try to take a step back and ascertain what you feel you need to do to help yourself at this time. Is there a way you can do what you feel you need to do?

Some people start journaling, exercising, becoming an advocate for something they associate with their loved one. What can you do that is positive that will honor your Mom? Also, love on your family while you are still at home with them. Channel that misplaced and undeserved guilt into being a husband and dad. And do the crying you need to do. Tell the stories about Mom that keep her alive for you.

It will take time and you will miss her the rest of your days but the open wound will scab and then scar over. But you be who who are. You be her son, her daughter-in-law's husband, and her grandchildren's father. You have to be you. You cannot be her.

All the best to you, Jared. If you'd like, drop by Melanoma Prayer Center and also Melanoma Grief Chapel on facebook. You don't have to be on fb or like the sites.

Again, if you have someone on base or Chaplain you can talk face-to-face with, that would be good.

Grace and peace,

Carol

Hi Jared,

Like Carol, I just happened to pop in today and saw your post.

Like Carol, I have not been here for some time now. I decided after being on this board almost three years and three plus years being NED at stage 1B, it was finally time to move on.

Carol said it right, even though your mom went from stage 1 to stage 4 doesn't mean you ever will. Trust me when I say that you are newly diagnosed and it will take some time, and I know your mom is always in the back of your mind too, but you need to worry about you and your family in relation to your deployment, and as far as the melanoma goes, do not let it consume you during this time, or ever. You are doing what needs to be done by staying vigilant. I always keep it in the back of my mind, and that is where you should too. Do not let it run your life and consume you. Again, you are still newly diagnosed, so this will take time. Believe me when I say, when I was first diagnosed, I did not have a clue, I even confused Clarks Level II with stage II.

Reading your post, I was also surprised someone spit on you. I’m sorry about that. As a child of a father that adopted me while in the army stationed in Germany, I am saddened this happened to you. Being adopted and German, I often stand up for the values and constitutional rights of this country, as I know it could be much worse. Although I often disagree with our government in relation to the constitution, I have never disrespected the military. Boy, if I ever did, my wife would knock me out as she is also army, has Irish ancestry, and a nurse, so I guess she can tend to me too if it ever comes to knocking me out.

Long story short, don’t feel guilty about the tanning beds. Heck, I grew up on St. Pete beach Florida-"tan" was my middle name. Be glad as I am you caught it when you did. Like Carol said, counseling with a chaplain is a good idea for helping you with the melanoma and the PTSD. Your wife may even want to join.

Again, worry about the important things such as your family, just keep the melanoma in the back of your mind where it belongs…..

Michael stage 1b and now 3 years and two months NED. Since diagnosis, got a new job, joined the gym, I got married (again), saw two grandkids come into the world, and daughter buy her first house.

See….life goes on……yours will too.

Good luck.

Michael

Hi Jared,

Like Carol, I just happened to pop in today and saw your post.

Like Carol, I have not been here for some time now. I decided after being on this board almost three years and three plus years being NED at stage 1B, it was finally time to move on.

Carol said it right, even though your mom went from stage 1 to stage 4 doesn't mean you ever will. Trust me when I say that you are newly diagnosed and it will take some time, and I know your mom is always in the back of your mind too, but you need to worry about you and your family in relation to your deployment, and as far as the melanoma goes, do not let it consume you during this time, or ever. You are doing what needs to be done by staying vigilant. I always keep it in the back of my mind, and that is where you should too. Do not let it run your life and consume you. Again, you are still newly diagnosed, so this will take time. Believe me when I say, when I was first diagnosed, I did not have a clue, I even confused Clarks Level II with stage II.

Reading your post, I was also surprised someone spit on you. I’m sorry about that. As a child of a father that adopted me while in the army stationed in Germany, I am saddened this happened to you. Being adopted and German, I often stand up for the values and constitutional rights of this country, as I know it could be much worse. Although I often disagree with our government in relation to the constitution, I have never disrespected the military. Boy, if I ever did, my wife would knock me out as she is also army, has Irish ancestry, and a nurse, so I guess she can tend to me too if it ever comes to knocking me out.

Long story short, don’t feel guilty about the tanning beds. Heck, I grew up on St. Pete beach Florida-"tan" was my middle name. Be glad as I am you caught it when you did. Like Carol said, counseling with a chaplain is a good idea for helping you with the melanoma and the PTSD. Your wife may even want to join.

Again, worry about the important things such as your family, just keep the melanoma in the back of your mind where it belongs…..

Michael stage 1b and now 3 years and two months NED. Since diagnosis, got a new job, joined the gym, I got married (again), saw two grandkids come into the world, and daughter buy her first house.

See….life goes on……yours will too.

Good luck.

Michael

Hi Jared,

Like Carol, I just happened to pop in today and saw your post.

Like Carol, I have not been here for some time now. I decided after being on this board almost three years and three plus years being NED at stage 1B, it was finally time to move on.

Carol said it right, even though your mom went from stage 1 to stage 4 doesn't mean you ever will. Trust me when I say that you are newly diagnosed and it will take some time, and I know your mom is always in the back of your mind too, but you need to worry about you and your family in relation to your deployment, and as far as the melanoma goes, do not let it consume you during this time, or ever. You are doing what needs to be done by staying vigilant. I always keep it in the back of my mind, and that is where you should too. Do not let it run your life and consume you. Again, you are still newly diagnosed, so this will take time. Believe me when I say, when I was first diagnosed, I did not have a clue, I even confused Clarks Level II with stage II.

Reading your post, I was also surprised someone spit on you. I’m sorry about that. As a child of a father that adopted me while in the army stationed in Germany, I am saddened this happened to you. Being adopted and German, I often stand up for the values and constitutional rights of this country, as I know it could be much worse. Although I often disagree with our government in relation to the constitution, I have never disrespected the military. Boy, if I ever did, my wife would knock me out as she is also army, has Irish ancestry, and a nurse, so I guess she can tend to me too if it ever comes to knocking me out.

Long story short, don’t feel guilty about the tanning beds. Heck, I grew up on St. Pete beach Florida-"tan" was my middle name. Be glad as I am you caught it when you did. Like Carol said, counseling with a chaplain is a good idea for helping you with the melanoma and the PTSD. Your wife may even want to join.

Again, worry about the important things such as your family, just keep the melanoma in the back of your mind where it belongs…..

Michael stage 1b and now 3 years and two months NED. Since diagnosis, got a new job, joined the gym, I got married (again), saw two grandkids come into the world, and daughter buy her first house.

See….life goes on……yours will too.

Good luck.

Michael

Do not beat yourself up about this.

When I was a kid in Boy Scouts, a swimming merit badge was a required  step to acheive Eagle.

To get the swimming merit badge required a mile swim.  During my mile swin, is when I clearly remember getting a blistering sunburn.; which in hindsight, was probably the precursor to my melanoma today.

At the time, neither me, nor my parents nor my scoutmaster knew that my pursuit could or would later threaten my life.

Now, we all know better.

So, the question becomes not one of guilt from lack of knowledge, but what to do with this new knowledge as a way forward.?

One: It is impossible to change what happened in the past.

Two:: If you think you had an impact, right or wrong in the past and feel guilt or remorse; then change your viewpoint looking forward………the future is the only thing one can change because the past is set in history.

Three:  Do not live in the past and accept that fact.

Four: Rather than dwelling on what is behind you and fill it with regrets, look forward and set your mind forward as learned from the experience.

Live your life yesterday or tomorrow; neither one offers re-runs, so pick wisely at the snack bar.

Cheers,

Charlie S

Do not beat yourself up about this.

When I was a kid in Boy Scouts, a swimming merit badge was a required  step to acheive Eagle.

To get the swimming merit badge required a mile swim.  During my mile swin, is when I clearly remember getting a blistering sunburn.; which in hindsight, was probably the precursor to my melanoma today.

At the time, neither me, nor my parents nor my scoutmaster knew that my pursuit could or would later threaten my life.

Now, we all know better.

So, the question becomes not one of guilt from lack of knowledge, but what to do with this new knowledge as a way forward.?

One: It is impossible to change what happened in the past.

Two:: If you think you had an impact, right or wrong in the past and feel guilt or remorse; then change your viewpoint looking forward………the future is the only thing one can change because the past is set in history.

Three:  Do not live in the past and accept that fact.

Four: Rather than dwelling on what is behind you and fill it with regrets, look forward and set your mind forward as learned from the experience.

Live your life yesterday or tomorrow; neither one offers re-runs, so pick wisely at the snack bar.

Cheers,

Charlie S

Do not beat yourself up about this.

When I was a kid in Boy Scouts, a swimming merit badge was a required  step to acheive Eagle.

To get the swimming merit badge required a mile swim.  During my mile swin, is when I clearly remember getting a blistering sunburn.; which in hindsight, was probably the precursor to my melanoma today.

At the time, neither me, nor my parents nor my scoutmaster knew that my pursuit could or would later threaten my life.

Now, we all know better.

So, the question becomes not one of guilt from lack of knowledge, but what to do with this new knowledge as a way forward.?

One: It is impossible to change what happened in the past.

Two:: If you think you had an impact, right or wrong in the past and feel guilt or remorse; then change your viewpoint looking forward………the future is the only thing one can change because the past is set in history.

Three:  Do not live in the past and accept that fact.

Four: Rather than dwelling on what is behind you and fill it with regrets, look forward and set your mind forward as learned from the experience.

Live your life yesterday or tomorrow; neither one offers re-runs, so pick wisely at the snack bar.

Cheers,

Charlie S

Jared, There's not much I can say after all the great responses written above. (that dosn't mean I won't say something.)   The place for guilt feelings for past events that you could have avoided, is to use what you have learned for your and others futures.  I have a wonderful man for a son-in-law that served us in Iraq and has some PTSD from what he went through there.  I cannot even talk about how many family, friends, comrades from the Vietnam war fall in that catagory.  You cannot lose the guilt by spending your time looking back.  As that special Vietnam war medivac plot told you, you only advance when looking forward.  (as a US Marine, I pick on him for being Army, but he says that's o'k, he would even pick up wounded Marines in his Chopper!}   I know it gets hard to remember at times that the fools that get so stupid at the members of our milatary converesly make the point of why we served in the military.  So at least people have the right to protest the political actions in our country.  (I might could be forced to admit that after I got out and was going to the university and some protestors tried human barracades on the road to the Enginering school, my accelerator jammed and so did that of some of friends (amazing rash of similar car problem,  (seems after two days no further attempt to block our road was made.)

  I thank you, not the politicians, for placing your lives in jeapordy for the core values of the average American.  

FORWARD MARCH!

Jared, There's not much I can say after all the great responses written above. (that dosn't mean I won't say something.)   The place for guilt feelings for past events that you could have avoided, is to use what you have learned for your and others futures.  I have a wonderful man for a son-in-law that served us in Iraq and has some PTSD from what he went through there.  I cannot even talk about how many family, friends, comrades from the Vietnam war fall in that catagory.  You cannot lose the guilt by spending your time looking back.  As that special Vietnam war medivac plot told you, you only advance when looking forward.  (as a US Marine, I pick on him for being Army, but he says that's o'k, he would even pick up wounded Marines in his Chopper!}   I know it gets hard to remember at times that the fools that get so stupid at the members of our milatary converesly make the point of why we served in the military.  So at least people have the right to protest the political actions in our country.  (I might could be forced to admit that after I got out and was going to the university and some protestors tried human barracades on the road to the Enginering school, my accelerator jammed and so did that of some of friends (amazing rash of similar car problem,  (seems after two days no further attempt to block our road was made.)

  I thank you, not the politicians, for placing your lives in jeapordy for the core values of the average American.  

FORWARD MARCH!

Jared, There's not much I can say after all the great responses written above. (that dosn't mean I won't say something.)   The place for guilt feelings for past events that you could have avoided, is to use what you have learned for your and others futures.  I have a wonderful man for a son-in-law that served us in Iraq and has some PTSD from what he went through there.  I cannot even talk about how many family, friends, comrades from the Vietnam war fall in that catagory.  You cannot lose the guilt by spending your time looking back.  As that special Vietnam war medivac plot told you, you only advance when looking forward.  (as a US Marine, I pick on him for being Army, but he says that's o'k, he would even pick up wounded Marines in his Chopper!}   I know it gets hard to remember at times that the fools that get so stupid at the members of our milatary converesly make the point of why we served in the military.  So at least people have the right to protest the political actions in our country.  (I might could be forced to admit that after I got out and was going to the university and some protestors tried human barracades on the road to the Enginering school, my accelerator jammed and so did that of some of friends (amazing rash of similar car problem,  (seems after two days no further attempt to block our road was made.)

  I thank you, not the politicians, for placing your lives in jeapordy for the core values of the average American.  

FORWARD MARCH!