› Forums › General Melanoma Community › Family members can feel very alone also
- This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by
Rita and Charles.
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- May 18, 2018 at 2:46 am
In my family, i do all the research, learn the terminology, meds, treatments etc. etc. DH is alternately depressed, manic, happy, sad, scared, resistant, works like crazy, crashes, reads a lot to deny, wants to talk, doesn't want to talk, and so it goes. He's sometimes fragile and scared of dying, and I'm supposed to be helpful, kind, supportive, understanding, fill the holes, cook whatever the latest foods/diet he's trying, let family know what is happening, help with all projects but not trespass on his control of them. I'm trying, and submitting myself to this journey with all the positivity and prayer i can. We just found out his dear doggy has cancer, and it can't be cured. Dog is the wonderful happiness coach here, and it has been a blow for both of us.
But, I do feel alone in many ways. No one wants to hear distressing 'details'. My heart goes out to all of you, whether you have melanoma or are the family member of someone who does. We are all alone more than anyone can guess. Thank you for listening.
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- May 18, 2018 at 11:46 am
Oh, Sweetie. I am so sorry for all you are going through and the pup's issues as well. I am glad you have vented here, though none of us can fix a single thing!! I have always said that caregivers have it worse than us melanoma peeps in many ways. As little control as we have over our own situations, you have even less. I know I would not be here today were it not for the folks I've had to support me through it. Absolutely would not be here!! Probably won't help much, but here's an ode (and some data) I wrote to the huge contribution our caregivers make:
And pups? They're not pups! They are family. While this post is a bit sad…it may make you laugh a little…
Yell and scream whenever you like. While you are undeniably alone and dealing with very difficult circumstances on your own, but I am here for you – as are ever so many others. Hang in there!! Hugs, celeste
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- May 18, 2018 at 12:03 pm
Hi;
I am stage IV melanoma. 6 years ago my first wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, HERII positive, nasty stuff, went through treatment, developed a secondary immune disorder and ultimately passed. So I have been on both sides. It is so hard to be the caretaker/caregiver, but so important. Without you, the patient is alone. You sound so special and committed to your significant other. God bless you. Please vent on this forum anytime. Please make sure to search out someone that you can talk about this stuff too personally. That helps too! I pray that this journey for both you and your spouse have a positive and rewarding outcome.
Blessings,
Ted
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- May 18, 2018 at 10:08 pm
I understand your feelings of loneliness, my husband recently moved to stage 4 and I have been overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. It is hard to keep it all to yourself. The people on this board really helped the past two weeks, I felt less alone when I received posts that educated me and eased my fears a bit. It breaks my heart to read the sadness in your post, I just want you to know that you are not alone. There are many people right here that will listen to anything you need to say. Reach out if you need a kind word or just a place to vent. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
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- May 18, 2018 at 10:59 pm
Dear Oldwife, I understand what you are going through. Two years ago, I took care of my mother for the last seven months of her life, and 18 months after that my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 melanoma. Now I'm his partner in that–and, just like you–responsible for the worry, research, communication, managing everything. People understand that an ill person may focus entirely on their health. Indeed, they encourage it. Few know what that means for the person beside them who must shouder everything else, including their partners' needs. Have you seen the Caregiver's Rights? I discovered it on this site after my husband was diagnosed and I though "I can't go through all this again." Here's the link: https://online.flippingbook.com/view/287803/2/ . I found this document (and plenty of therapy!) enormously helpful. I wish that I had had the concept of a RIGHT to take care of myself…to anger…to maintaining a separate life while I was caring for my mother. It would have eased the emotional burden and allowed me to rest more easily in the love. This time, I'm a better partner to my husband because I remember that, while there are no limits to the love and the desire to give, there are limits to the energy, patience, attention. You have a right to, essentially, have a good life while you care for your husband. Take this right as seriously as you take the responsibility to be everything you can be for your husband. You will both be better for it. I send you love and compassion. Email me at any time. V.
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- May 21, 2018 at 5:37 pm
Thank you OldWife for this post, i know it cant be easy being for the wife {or anyother loved one} to deal with this Melanoma crap, so i will say this, to all our wives {including Hillary my own wife} husbands, brothers, sisters or Friends that our taking care of us while we, yes "We" batlle this unforgiving desease, THANK YOU!! never give up on us, we love you…
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- May 24, 2018 at 9:54 am
Thank you to each and every one who replied here. DH started his Keytruda, and seems fine.
I was driving around Anchorage for all of his appointments and was noticing how blurry my vision seemed… I took the plunge and got my eyes examined (no eye stuff insurance), and sure enough, my prescription has changed a lot and when stressed, i can't compensate, so also bought the new glasses. We can actually afford them, but I usually don't feel entitled to things; your support helped me to push through and get them.
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- June 15, 2018 at 1:14 pm
I haven't been on this page in forever and a day, and not sure what prompted me today. It's been 515 days since I lost my husband, and life has gone on, but I look back at all of my whirling deverish moments of research………and wish that I had just held his hand more. My heart understands you, and I tell you this – hold onto each moment, touch, hug, be silent……….close the laptop and rest. Start a shared page and just share information once, and write that you can't retell the story each day to all members. When they want to help, tell them to send love.
My life and heart still go on, but this melanoma monster nearly killed me too and I suffer the aftershocks daily but it has made me a new person. Hold back nothing, give everything you have and talk honestly with everyone about your heart. You are not alone, he is still with you.
Rita
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