Emotional Rollercoaster

I'll ride this rolloer coaster with you as best I can. Move over!

Here's a statistic for you: you're 100% human. 1 in 1 chance. Unless someone corrects my math, "math" is a 4-letter word for me. Anyway, you've got a lot going on in life that's great, and then you've got "this." Again, human. You're not "weak." Even positive, hopeful, optimistic people have rough days. I'm the choir director of PHOP and I have these days. Again, a 100% chance you're going to take a roller coaster ride every once in a while.

Of course you want to see your daughter grow up, grow old in your house with your husband and watch him grow older too. Can we throw the stats away at this point? Statistics can serve a useful purpose, to a degree. Some of us get a great deal out of stats. I, for one, don't. For every stat that exists, we ALL fall either on the good side or the wrong side. And then within that spectrum, we fall in a myriad of places depending on a lot of factors. You're a person. With your own unique body and chemistry and history and response to treatments. Yeah, you'll fall along a statistical line, but don't let it get you down.

I know you're worried about the cancer growing inside and there's nothing you can do about it and you've got a two week wait. Instead of picturing all that, how about looking at your little girl and picturing her growing up in your house. Picture you and your husband having grand times playing with her.

Now, go outside and make it happen! Get out and do something positive, with the ones you love or at least tolerate. Find something to laugh at and laugh! Turn on your favorite upbeat music and belt out loud with it.  Do things that will improve your mood and get your roller coaster aiming upwards.

Bottom line, Lisa, there are things you can't control. There are things you CAN control. Until you actually know what you're dealing with, try to focus on things you can do something about. And, control how you respond and react to life's uncertainties. You can choose to dust yourself off and not let melanoma control your attitude.

All the best to you Friend.

Lord, in Your mercy, help Your child Lisa with this. Amen.

Grace and peace,

Carol

I'll ride this rolloer coaster with you as best I can. Move over!

Here's a statistic for you: you're 100% human. 1 in 1 chance. Unless someone corrects my math, "math" is a 4-letter word for me. Anyway, you've got a lot going on in life that's great, and then you've got "this." Again, human. You're not "weak." Even positive, hopeful, optimistic people have rough days. I'm the choir director of PHOP and I have these days. Again, a 100% chance you're going to take a roller coaster ride every once in a while.

Of course you want to see your daughter grow up, grow old in your house with your husband and watch him grow older too. Can we throw the stats away at this point? Statistics can serve a useful purpose, to a degree. Some of us get a great deal out of stats. I, for one, don't. For every stat that exists, we ALL fall either on the good side or the wrong side. And then within that spectrum, we fall in a myriad of places depending on a lot of factors. You're a person. With your own unique body and chemistry and history and response to treatments. Yeah, you'll fall along a statistical line, but don't let it get you down.

I know you're worried about the cancer growing inside and there's nothing you can do about it and you've got a two week wait. Instead of picturing all that, how about looking at your little girl and picturing her growing up in your house. Picture you and your husband having grand times playing with her.

Now, go outside and make it happen! Get out and do something positive, with the ones you love or at least tolerate. Find something to laugh at and laugh! Turn on your favorite upbeat music and belt out loud with it.  Do things that will improve your mood and get your roller coaster aiming upwards.

Bottom line, Lisa, there are things you can't control. There are things you CAN control. Until you actually know what you're dealing with, try to focus on things you can do something about. And, control how you respond and react to life's uncertainties. You can choose to dust yourself off and not let melanoma control your attitude.

All the best to you Friend.

Lord, in Your mercy, help Your child Lisa with this. Amen.

Grace and peace,

Carol

Lisa – I sometimes think our body knows what it needs – emotionally too.  If its time (for a day!) to allow yourself to ruminate about the seriousness of your diagnosis…maybe let yourself do that for a day. 

Its rainy and cold here today.  I don't know where you are…but, on a day like today, I, also, just want to put my jammies back on and go back to bed!!  We ALL live with this fear that you described.  Whether they've found something in our bodies (yet), or not.  I have had a headache for 5 days straight now.  It doesn't feel like a regular headache, its localized.  So, of course, I imagine that its brain mets – growing, wreaking havoc – it might be.  I imagine that the small cough I sometimes get means my lungs are filling with tumors – they might be.  The list goes on and on and on.  Somebody here described it as living with a sword over our heads…I think, "when is the other shoe going to drop"?  Every day I think – perhaps this is the healthiest I'll ever be again.  And that thought ALSO scares the shit out of me.  Stupid thoughts cross my mind:  Will this be the last dog I ever own?  Will I outlast the expiration of my debit card? 

We all think like this…every day.  It sucks.  And, I think, most cancer patients deal with this no matter what their prognosis is.  I actually think this takes the greatest mental toll on us all.  If its not foremost in my mind…its definitely there nagging me every single minute of every day.  For that reason, counseling is a great idea. 

Anyway…just wanted to let you know I understand and feel for you.  Mostly…allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and keep in touch.  We're all here…in basically the same place.  Sorry…this isn't very 'upbeat' and I don't know if it will help or not to know that others feel the same way.  I hope so!…keep on keeping on!! – Shari

Lisa – I sometimes think our body knows what it needs – emotionally too.  If its time (for a day!) to allow yourself to ruminate about the seriousness of your diagnosis…maybe let yourself do that for a day. 

Its rainy and cold here today.  I don't know where you are…but, on a day like today, I, also, just want to put my jammies back on and go back to bed!!  We ALL live with this fear that you described.  Whether they've found something in our bodies (yet), or not.  I have had a headache for 5 days straight now.  It doesn't feel like a regular headache, its localized.  So, of course, I imagine that its brain mets – growing, wreaking havoc – it might be.  I imagine that the small cough I sometimes get means my lungs are filling with tumors – they might be.  The list goes on and on and on.  Somebody here described it as living with a sword over our heads…I think, "when is the other shoe going to drop"?  Every day I think – perhaps this is the healthiest I'll ever be again.  And that thought ALSO scares the shit out of me.  Stupid thoughts cross my mind:  Will this be the last dog I ever own?  Will I outlast the expiration of my debit card? 

We all think like this…every day.  It sucks.  And, I think, most cancer patients deal with this no matter what their prognosis is.  I actually think this takes the greatest mental toll on us all.  If its not foremost in my mind…its definitely there nagging me every single minute of every day.  For that reason, counseling is a great idea. 

Anyway…just wanted to let you know I understand and feel for you.  Mostly…allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and keep in touch.  We're all here…in basically the same place.  Sorry…this isn't very 'upbeat' and I don't know if it will help or not to know that others feel the same way.  I hope so!…keep on keeping on!! – Shari

Lisa,

We all feel this. What you have is scan anxiety. Unfortunately the closer it gets to the scan the worse the feeling gets.

You need to find a way that you can zone out from this disease and refocus when the feeling comes over you. My oncologist tells me to visualize fighter pilots zooming through my body aiming my immune system at the cells. 

I have not gone into the oncs office one time yet where my blood pressure isn't high and my pulse zooming. They tell me this is normal.  He tells me that my heartbeat is so fast and loud that it hurts his ears!  That's even after the good news.

Even after I get the results it usually takes me a few days to absorb – even if it's good news.

We do understand and please vent whenever you need!

Linda

Stage IV

Lisa,

We all feel this. What you have is scan anxiety. Unfortunately the closer it gets to the scan the worse the feeling gets.

You need to find a way that you can zone out from this disease and refocus when the feeling comes over you. My oncologist tells me to visualize fighter pilots zooming through my body aiming my immune system at the cells. 

I have not gone into the oncs office one time yet where my blood pressure isn't high and my pulse zooming. They tell me this is normal.  He tells me that my heartbeat is so fast and loud that it hurts his ears!  That's even after the good news.

Even after I get the results it usually takes me a few days to absorb – even if it's good news.

We do understand and please vent whenever you need!

Linda

Stage IV

Lisa, we've all ridden this rollercoaster and only fictional superhuman patients depicted in the media never hit the low points.

I've written a blog post called "Lies, Damn Lies, and Cancer Statistics" about Stephen Jay Gould's essay on the fallacies of cancer statistics called "The Median Isn't The Message".  You're not a statistic.  Don't know if the post will help, but it might.

http://www.hotelmelanoma.blogspot.com

Best wishes and prayers for you.

Rich

Lisa, we've all ridden this rollercoaster and only fictional superhuman patients depicted in the media never hit the low points.

I've written a blog post called "Lies, Damn Lies, and Cancer Statistics" about Stephen Jay Gould's essay on the fallacies of cancer statistics called "The Median Isn't The Message".  You're not a statistic.  Don't know if the post will help, but it might.

http://www.hotelmelanoma.blogspot.com

Best wishes and prayers for you.

Rich

We all have those days! In jan I was told I had over a dozen spots between both my lungs. It wasn’t until march 1 the biopsy was done which did confirm melanoma. And then my mind started to race – why weren’t we doing something asap to fight this beast? Was it taking over me… Why was I being told week after week to wait yet again… In my mind I thought if in november i was clear and then 2 months later all these spots where else was it going? You should have seen the panic emails to my doctors.

But then April came around and I had a new ct scan and things look much better than my Jan scan. So much that I am not eligible for any trials… It doesn’t mean my anxiety is any better… But we have to allow ourselves to have the good days and the great days. To be mad, to cry, to question why me? But then realize we are strong people and hopefully god doesn’t give us something he doesn’t think we can handle. Hang in there! Sending positive thoughts your way!

We all have those days! In jan I was told I had over a dozen spots between both my lungs. It wasn’t until march 1 the biopsy was done which did confirm melanoma. And then my mind started to race – why weren’t we doing something asap to fight this beast? Was it taking over me… Why was I being told week after week to wait yet again… In my mind I thought if in november i was clear and then 2 months later all these spots where else was it going? You should have seen the panic emails to my doctors.

But then April came around and I had a new ct scan and things look much better than my Jan scan. So much that I am not eligible for any trials… It doesn’t mean my anxiety is any better… But we have to allow ourselves to have the good days and the great days. To be mad, to cry, to question why me? But then realize we are strong people and hopefully god doesn’t give us something he doesn’t think we can handle. Hang in there! Sending positive thoughts your way!

This would be a good place to remind us all to stay vigilant, when we throw our pity parties, not to keep the party going too long lest depression show up.

I know I preach staying focused and taking control of our attitudes and staying positive, probably to the point of making some of us sick of me. The thing is we really don't "know" each other. We don't know each others family histories with depression. And even if one of us can say that there isn't a family history…well, it starts somewhere, why not us, and then our family has "depression" in it.

We all know that cancer feeds off fear, panic, and anger. But those are all normal responses to melanoma. I just want to remind us to stay on top of those so they don't usher in depression which can really work against us.

Lisa and many of us are in very fragile places right now, and I may come across as almost heartless in not saying to give into the feelings. But it really is in all of our best interests to throw a small pity party and not throw them often. It's in our best interest to recognize when we need more than a walk in the park to take our minds off this and be positive.

Someone suggested counseling. That's always a great idea. Again, we really have to be vigilant against depression, that's my main concern for all of us and the feelings we're coping with. If you can't afford counseling, check your local mental health department, talk with your clergy person. Talk with a family member or friend that you trust and have talked with enough to know they can help you and won't gossip. Come here and vent. Contact any of us you feel comfortable with off-board.

Don't be a good party host. Take care of yourself…don't feed mel.

Grace and peace,

Carol

This would be a good place to remind us all to stay vigilant, when we throw our pity parties, not to keep the party going too long lest depression show up.

I know I preach staying focused and taking control of our attitudes and staying positive, probably to the point of making some of us sick of me. The thing is we really don't "know" each other. We don't know each others family histories with depression. And even if one of us can say that there isn't a family history…well, it starts somewhere, why not us, and then our family has "depression" in it.

We all know that cancer feeds off fear, panic, and anger. But those are all normal responses to melanoma. I just want to remind us to stay on top of those so they don't usher in depression which can really work against us.

Lisa and many of us are in very fragile places right now, and I may come across as almost heartless in not saying to give into the feelings. But it really is in all of our best interests to throw a small pity party and not throw them often. It's in our best interest to recognize when we need more than a walk in the park to take our minds off this and be positive.

Someone suggested counseling. That's always a great idea. Again, we really have to be vigilant against depression, that's my main concern for all of us and the feelings we're coping with. If you can't afford counseling, check your local mental health department, talk with your clergy person. Talk with a family member or friend that you trust and have talked with enough to know they can help you and won't gossip. Come here and vent. Contact any of us you feel comfortable with off-board.

Don't be a good party host. Take care of yourself…don't feed mel.

Grace and peace,

Carol

Although I am a caregiver and not the patient, I can relate to the roller coaster ride you are now on. Our ride began when we learned my husband had Stage 4 Melanoma on Valentine's Day 2011. It sure did not seem fair at all since we are the best of friends and have been happily married for almost 12 years.

I would imagine it is even more scary being the patient experiencing both the best of days and the worst of days.

My attitude is positive most days but then I have days when my tears won't stop. I would say you are allowed to have the same kinds of days.

I will hope and pray for you that your journey will be more like a mild rollercoaster and not like one of the biggest ones they have at Cedar Pte. in Ohio.

By the way I don't do rollercoasters at amusement parks, how about you?

Wishing you the best,

Debby and Mike

Although I am a caregiver and not the patient, I can relate to the roller coaster ride you are now on. Our ride began when we learned my husband had Stage 4 Melanoma on Valentine's Day 2011. It sure did not seem fair at all since we are the best of friends and have been happily married for almost 12 years.

I would imagine it is even more scary being the patient experiencing both the best of days and the worst of days.

My attitude is positive most days but then I have days when my tears won't stop. I would say you are allowed to have the same kinds of days.

I will hope and pray for you that your journey will be more like a mild rollercoaster and not like one of the biggest ones they have at Cedar Pte. in Ohio.

By the way I don't do rollercoasters at amusement parks, how about you?

Wishing you the best,

Debby and Mike