› Forums › General Melanoma Community › Does it ever get easier??
- This topic has 28 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 9 months ago by
Dynasysman.
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- July 16, 2011 at 11:27 am
My 25 year old son passed on May 22nd after his melanoma returning on March 7th. This is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt. A mother should never have to bury her child. I can't get past the images of him in the hospital, and the image of him taking his last breath…it's horrible. I can't focus, sleep, enjoy anything…so painful.
My 25 year old son passed on May 22nd after his melanoma returning on March 7th. This is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt. A mother should never have to bury her child. I can't get past the images of him in the hospital, and the image of him taking his last breath…it's horrible. I can't focus, sleep, enjoy anything…so painful.
I pray that someday there will be a cure for this dreadful, viscious disease. I am going to organize a walk benefit in May in his honor to raise money for research…I will do this every year as long as I live, and Erik's brother's will continue it after that.
Praying for you all that you stomp this beast out of your bodies!
Peace and Blessings,
Kim
Mother to Erik 6/11/1985-5/22/2011
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- July 16, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. To lose a child is extremely painful especially one so young . I wish you all the best with your benefit walk to help beat this terrible disease. Peace and Blessings to you.
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- July 16, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Kim, I have some idea of how you might be feeling. It must be devastating to lose a child.
I lost my wife to this horrible disease in 2009, and the grieving process really does take
a long time.Life is very unfair at times, but I think that God really does help us to cope.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Frank from Australia
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- July 16, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Kim, I have some idea of how you might be feeling. It must be devastating to lose a child.
I lost my wife to this horrible disease in 2009, and the grieving process really does take
a long time.Life is very unfair at times, but I think that God really does help us to cope.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Frank from Australia
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- July 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm
I'm so sorry Kim. To lose a child is devastating. This disease is wicked and needs to be stamped, I pray that they are getting close to a solution. It is sad when one of us passes away but even tougher when it is a young child or adult who could have had such wonderful futures. Val xx
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- July 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm
I'm so sorry Kim. To lose a child is devastating. This disease is wicked and needs to be stamped, I pray that they are getting close to a solution. It is sad when one of us passes away but even tougher when it is a young child or adult who could have had such wonderful futures. Val xx
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- July 16, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Kim,
My sympathy to you and your family. In March 2010, my son who was 19 at the time had a loaded pistol put to his head. He was sitting in his apartment watching TV…drug & gang related robbery…I look at him now and thank God for every day because I know how close he came to death then. I can begin to imagine the horrible pain and images you face only because I came so close to that same pain and I do have pictures in my mind of that gun at my child's head and the fear he must have felt.
And I don't say that to in any way try to diminish your pain, but to come as close as I can with what you must be feeling, which is much much worse because I still have James, you carry Erik in your heart.
Kim, just let yourself grieve. It's still a very fresh pain. The positive things I see are that 1) you're already making plans to honor your Erik, do something for melanoma research and awareness, and beat the beast. And, 2) you're reaching out to us and probably to others as well for hope and encouragement.
You are grieving well and you will eventually move past the sleeplessness and lack of focus. Give it time and continue on the path you're on.
And develop a thick skin. The more time that passes the more other people are going to think you're supposed to "heal" in some way that they think you should heal and will say things that hurt but they're trying to be helpful..like you should be over it by now, you need to be moving on with your life…Erik would want you to…time heals all wounds……you get the idea and may already be getting these pieces of "advice".
You've suffered a tragic wound. Wounds scab over and eventually leave a scar and that scar fades with time, but the reminder of a wound remains. You learn how to live with the scar and that circles back to what caused it in the first place.
You will always have a son, Erik, whom you will always love deeply and miss deeply and you will always wonder about the "what might have beens". But your life and our world will always be richer because he was a part of it even if for such a brief time and I thank you for your Mother's Love.
Lord, In Your mercy, comfort Kim and grant her Your peace. Thank You. Amen.
Grace and peace Kim,
Carol
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- July 16, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Kim,
My sympathy to you and your family. In March 2010, my son who was 19 at the time had a loaded pistol put to his head. He was sitting in his apartment watching TV…drug & gang related robbery…I look at him now and thank God for every day because I know how close he came to death then. I can begin to imagine the horrible pain and images you face only because I came so close to that same pain and I do have pictures in my mind of that gun at my child's head and the fear he must have felt.
And I don't say that to in any way try to diminish your pain, but to come as close as I can with what you must be feeling, which is much much worse because I still have James, you carry Erik in your heart.
Kim, just let yourself grieve. It's still a very fresh pain. The positive things I see are that 1) you're already making plans to honor your Erik, do something for melanoma research and awareness, and beat the beast. And, 2) you're reaching out to us and probably to others as well for hope and encouragement.
You are grieving well and you will eventually move past the sleeplessness and lack of focus. Give it time and continue on the path you're on.
And develop a thick skin. The more time that passes the more other people are going to think you're supposed to "heal" in some way that they think you should heal and will say things that hurt but they're trying to be helpful..like you should be over it by now, you need to be moving on with your life…Erik would want you to…time heals all wounds……you get the idea and may already be getting these pieces of "advice".
You've suffered a tragic wound. Wounds scab over and eventually leave a scar and that scar fades with time, but the reminder of a wound remains. You learn how to live with the scar and that circles back to what caused it in the first place.
You will always have a son, Erik, whom you will always love deeply and miss deeply and you will always wonder about the "what might have beens". But your life and our world will always be richer because he was a part of it even if for such a brief time and I thank you for your Mother's Love.
Lord, In Your mercy, comfort Kim and grant her Your peace. Thank You. Amen.
Grace and peace Kim,
Carol
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- July 17, 2011 at 12:54 am
Carol,
Your support and kind words touch me. I have a couple great friends that are walking with me on this horrible journey, and I thank God for that everyday. One of my closest friends, Jeanne, was at the hospital to see Erik quite a bit. The week before his passing he had called everyone in the room to say some things to each of us. He pulled Jeanne close and asked her to please take care of me that I would need someone. (she later told me this) She has been my rock. As time passes people go "away" but she has not left my side.
You're exactly right about Erik being a part of all our lives and touching the lives of so many people, we are all better for having known him.
I still have 3 wonderful boys with me and they are some of the best…
I am sorry to hear that your son was so troubled, but happy to hear he is well and with you. I sense that you are a great support for him and a wonderful mother.
Peace and blessings to you and your family.
Kim
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- July 17, 2011 at 12:54 am
Carol,
Your support and kind words touch me. I have a couple great friends that are walking with me on this horrible journey, and I thank God for that everyday. One of my closest friends, Jeanne, was at the hospital to see Erik quite a bit. The week before his passing he had called everyone in the room to say some things to each of us. He pulled Jeanne close and asked her to please take care of me that I would need someone. (she later told me this) She has been my rock. As time passes people go "away" but she has not left my side.
You're exactly right about Erik being a part of all our lives and touching the lives of so many people, we are all better for having known him.
I still have 3 wonderful boys with me and they are some of the best…
I am sorry to hear that your son was so troubled, but happy to hear he is well and with you. I sense that you are a great support for him and a wonderful mother.
Peace and blessings to you and your family.
Kim
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- July 16, 2011 at 11:16 pm
Kim, I did not lose my child to this, I lost another loved one, but my mom lost two children, one to a homicide. I think the truth is, you "adjust", you don't heal or get over it in any way, you learn to live with a gaping hole in your heart. But the sharpness of the pain does change with time.
Lori
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- July 16, 2011 at 11:16 pm
Kim, I did not lose my child to this, I lost another loved one, but my mom lost two children, one to a homicide. I think the truth is, you "adjust", you don't heal or get over it in any way, you learn to live with a gaping hole in your heart. But the sharpness of the pain does change with time.
Lori
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- July 16, 2011 at 11:18 pm
Kim, i have been in your shoes and am still trying to work it all out and its been 2 and half years since our son passed on. Watching your child suffer brings on emotions that one never thought possible. Its not only the physical pain but how does one protect their child from their own thoughts and fears.
I try to cope by keeping Michael in my life, talking to him,, my wife just keeps busy thats her way of dealing with things. Counselling is good for some, certainly talking about him to others has helped me. Yes helping others by raising money or giving advice is great it may not bring back your son but if it helps save 1 young life you will prevent a Family going through what we have.
Please email me if you need to talk to someone.
best wishes
James
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- July 17, 2011 at 1:07 am
Thank you James…I am so sorry to hear that you are walking in these same shoes. I have never lost someone close to me and for it to be my son, and watch this disease take over his body, watch the fear, and pain and be unable to do anything about it was horrible beyond words, as you well know.
Initially, I tried to stay "busy" so I didn't have to feel the pain..doesn't work well. Now, I am in a place that I feel the pain all day and cry for him. My therapist, that I have had for some time says you have to "feel" it to walk through it and that it takes a long time, sometimes years when it is your child that you lost.
I am fortunate in that I have 3 other boys, one of which is still at home, and a few amazing friends that are always available.
Peace and blessings to you and your wife James.
Kim
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- July 17, 2011 at 1:07 am
Thank you James…I am so sorry to hear that you are walking in these same shoes. I have never lost someone close to me and for it to be my son, and watch this disease take over his body, watch the fear, and pain and be unable to do anything about it was horrible beyond words, as you well know.
Initially, I tried to stay "busy" so I didn't have to feel the pain..doesn't work well. Now, I am in a place that I feel the pain all day and cry for him. My therapist, that I have had for some time says you have to "feel" it to walk through it and that it takes a long time, sometimes years when it is your child that you lost.
I am fortunate in that I have 3 other boys, one of which is still at home, and a few amazing friends that are always available.
Peace and blessings to you and your wife James.
Kim
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- July 16, 2011 at 11:18 pm
Kim, i have been in your shoes and am still trying to work it all out and its been 2 and half years since our son passed on. Watching your child suffer brings on emotions that one never thought possible. Its not only the physical pain but how does one protect their child from their own thoughts and fears.
I try to cope by keeping Michael in my life, talking to him,, my wife just keeps busy thats her way of dealing with things. Counselling is good for some, certainly talking about him to others has helped me. Yes helping others by raising money or giving advice is great it may not bring back your son but if it helps save 1 young life you will prevent a Family going through what we have.
Please email me if you need to talk to someone.
best wishes
James
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- July 17, 2011 at 4:20 am
I agree with Lori, A death is not a wound to heal, it is a sharp pain that time and continuing to do what one can in life to honor the missing one helps as ease the intensity as time passes. The hole that is left can never be filled and we don't really even wish that it could. We just live a day at a time and fight on.
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- July 17, 2011 at 4:20 am
I agree with Lori, A death is not a wound to heal, it is a sharp pain that time and continuing to do what one can in life to honor the missing one helps as ease the intensity as time passes. The hole that is left can never be filled and we don't really even wish that it could. We just live a day at a time and fight on.
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- July 17, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Kim —
My heart goes out to you. Of all the horrors we never imagine, losing a child seems the least imaginable and hardest to life through…
The people I know who have coped best with unimaginable loss have done what you describe to keep the memory of the loved one alive, and to honor it through action. I shared a birthday with my father. When he died, I feared the day would be a constant source of sadness. To honor him, I organized a program to feed the homeless in food shelters across the US (a cause near and dear to him). We've been doing this three years now with considerable success, and a source of prospective sorrow has become a source of pride, joy, and positive memories…
Here's hoping that you find peace, healing, and meaningful ways to honor Erik's memory.
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- July 17, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Kim —
My heart goes out to you. Of all the horrors we never imagine, losing a child seems the least imaginable and hardest to life through…
The people I know who have coped best with unimaginable loss have done what you describe to keep the memory of the loved one alive, and to honor it through action. I shared a birthday with my father. When he died, I feared the day would be a constant source of sadness. To honor him, I organized a program to feed the homeless in food shelters across the US (a cause near and dear to him). We've been doing this three years now with considerable success, and a source of prospective sorrow has become a source of pride, joy, and positive memories…
Here's hoping that you find peace, healing, and meaningful ways to honor Erik's memory.
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