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A story…Can’t sleep…

Forums General Melanoma Community A story…Can’t sleep…

  • Post
    TinaR
    Participant
    and haven't been sleeping well—can't stop thinking about this past weekend and feeling awful. My heart hurts for the family that lives a couple doors down. Well, hurts for the mother and the son…but I can't seem to muster anything but disgust for the husband. I know it's not right…but I can't help it.  The mother committed suicide on Friday. Our street was blocked off by police cars and ambulances for hours while the mom was barricaded up in her bedroom .

    and haven't been sleeping well—can't stop thinking about this past weekend and feeling awful. My heart hurts for the family that lives a couple doors down. Well, hurts for the mother and the son…but I can't seem to muster anything but disgust for the husband. I know it's not right…but I can't help it.  The mother committed suicide on Friday. Our street was blocked off by police cars and ambulances for hours while the mom was barricaded up in her bedroom . People were running all over…policemen, children, neighbors…I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it was bad. When I was able to drive back to my house- I didn't go out or hear anthing again…until it was all over. By 7 that night- we learned that our neighbor was dead.
     
     She had been in horrible pain since a botched back surgery a six years ago…unable to repair. She used a walker and you would always see her trying to make it up the street with her mini wiener dog…rain/sleet or snow.  She couldn't do much of anything…not mow the lawn, shop, stand for more than a short walk up the block…or even bend to garden.  The day before she died she told her next door neighbor that she wished she could be "normal". 
     
    Apparently-  earlier this week her husband said he was going to leave her. Ah. 
     
    I can only imagine how frightened, frantic and desperate she was…what was she going to do? She was 47, a stay at home Mom .  How would she live/work/take care of herself and  her child- she could barely move . She had somehow purchased a gun– this a couple of days ago. She left a suicide note and a middle school boy . As the police were trying to figure out what was going on–her son was in there.  It was so confusing and I didn't know what was going on as I pulled into my street with my daughter and her friend in the car – we were stopped by the barricades and police.  At that moment, another of our neighbors was running from the house covered by a policemen…taking son to her home to get him away from it all. It was so strange as I looked over on their lawn… the  husband was sitting, stretched out on the lawn, with a policeman standing over him …waiting until the wife was finished so they could go inside ( this -I don't understand at all). The police didn't go inside because they thought she would shoot them? 
     
    How awful the afternoon must have been, the son when he came home from school —  the mother was still alive at the time?- why else would the streets be blocked & the police and people running everywhere. That poor boy's life is forever scarred. The picture of that husband sitting on the lawn  …just looking around like it was any other day bothers me.  I keep going round and round in my mind—her pain and the desperation, her little boy .
     
    On return from the grocery store today  I started to cry, again….because their garage door was open—-that man is in there…the one who was going to abandon that frightened, broken woman and it makes me feel awful. For better or for worse…I guess he just didn't get it. Does he have her child in there? 
     
    What's even more bizarre…this is my second suicide experience in 2 months. At least, this time ,I didn't see the victim. Even with that gruesome turn of events, the first one didn't affect me as much as this …and it's  odd because I knew the first person very well. I was angry at the victim in that case and overwhelmed with another difficult situation at that point.   Maybe it's all coming together, now, because I'm just emotionally sick and hyper focused on the sadness of this  poor woman and her son. I'm going to lie down next to my daughter and stare at the ceiling until 6 a.m.
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  • Replies
      Bonnie Lea
      Participant

      Oh Rox

       

      We all here are with you and share your saddness and anger, and confusion.  Remember to always keep on with your open dialogue on things that are deep  inside.

       

      Bonnie Leaheart

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      Bonnie Lea
      Participant

      Oh Rox

       

      We all here are with you and share your saddness and anger, and confusion.  Remember to always keep on with your open dialogue on things that are deep  inside.

       

      Bonnie Leaheart

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      jag
      Participant

      I'm sorry to hear you are upset Rox.  Watching this helped cheer me up though.

       

      <object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3ZCbF_eOTw4?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3ZCbF_eOTw4?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US&quot; type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

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        TinaR
        Participant

        Thanks Bonnie and John…I didn't see your video- it didn't pop up.  I'm upset for the boy… and the wife, not me. Life is filled with all manner of crap-this is just one of the millions of horrible stories. Cancer patients are fighting like crazy to stay alive and suicide seems so unfair in the scheme of things…but I do feel sad that a person can be so filled with despair they resort to this…how awful for everyone involved.

        I DO feel better after writing all my nasty feelings down ( in my trademark MULTIPLE paragraphs!). I wouldn't ever tell anyone I know the awful thoughts I had about the husband.  As our old friend Eeghads was fond of saying in dipsy-doodle new-agey hipster blabber— "releasing it out into the universe". Yep, smearing it all over others does a body good-ha! 

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        Bonnie Lea
        Participant

        wonder woman!!!   and a guy in a white lab coat (sounds sort of maybe doctorish) aka mad scientist.  But I can see our Rox as  wonder woman…. and a person of GREAT compassion.

         

        Rox  I agree with you regarding the sucides.  To me it is (well perhaps I should not say)  but let's just say I am totally not sympathetic and feel the ones that are left behind have got to live their whole life remembering the person who snuffed themselves out.  I know I don't understand the reasons, but gee having people who LOVE you is enuff to keep one hanging on this life.

        I mourn still for my brother who died in so much pain, and with so much more left to give the world.  Up here we have a woman going on trial for killing her two kids  (age 3 and 1) in a bath tub cos she couldnt take the pressure?  Right I dont understand.

         

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        Jocelyn
        Participant

        Well Bonnie obviously people who commit suicide are not in their right mind when they do it. It goes against every human survival instinct to take one's own life. There has to be some biochemical change, brought on by trauma or severe depression, that thwarts that instinct. I am sympathetic. Life just get to suck too much for some people.

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        Bonnie Lea
        Participant

        I understand it, but to me suicide seems to be one last selfish act.  We mourn those whom we loved and now lost to some sort of demon.  Remember the girl here two years ago,  her act of violence (shot herself) was because 'no one tried to understand'  well, we know (a friend and I)  that she did in fact have great support for her melanoma stuffs.  She corresponded with several of us, and we gave her all we had until we could not give anymore. 

        another aquaintance (brother of one of my hubbys co-workers) a man of 45 years old, took his life by hanging himself in the garage of his parents home, to show them that he hated them.  It did not work and they are elderly and will never understand their dear son's words left on a note. They grieve to this day and will always grieve.  I guess my thoughts are unfair, but I am sympathetic to the family left behind.  thank God she did not take her child's life

        I sort of understand a terminal patient who is in so much pain both physical and mental, but I cannot understand either 1) doing it in front or in visual sense, ones loved ones,   We all know that depression hurts, but we have a goal in our lives here, and everywhere and that is to somehow somehow pull through.

        I am sorry that no one in her family knew maybe how bad off she was.  I dunno.  Only she would have known that answer.

         

        Bonnie

         

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        Bonnie Lea
        Participant

        I understand it, but to me suicide seems to be one last selfish act.  We mourn those whom we loved and now lost to some sort of demon.  Remember the girl here two years ago,  her act of violence (shot herself) was because 'no one tried to understand'  well, we know (a friend and I)  that she did in fact have great support for her melanoma stuffs.  She corresponded with several of us, and we gave her all we had until we could not give anymore. 

        another aquaintance (brother of one of my hubbys co-workers) a man of 45 years old, took his life by hanging himself in the garage of his parents home, to show them that he hated them.  It did not work and they are elderly and will never understand their dear son's words left on a note. They grieve to this day and will always grieve.  I guess my thoughts are unfair, but I am sympathetic to the family left behind.  thank God she did not take her child's life

        I sort of understand a terminal patient who is in so much pain both physical and mental, but I cannot understand either 1) doing it in front or in visual sense, ones loved ones,   We all know that depression hurts, but we have a goal in our lives here, and everywhere and that is to somehow somehow pull through.

        I am sorry that no one in her family knew maybe how bad off she was.  I dunno.  Only she would have known that answer.

         

        Bonnie

         

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        Jocelyn
        Participant

        Well Bonnie obviously people who commit suicide are not in their right mind when they do it. It goes against every human survival instinct to take one's own life. There has to be some biochemical change, brought on by trauma or severe depression, that thwarts that instinct. I am sympathetic. Life just get to suck too much for some people.

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        TinaR
        Participant

        LONG LONG – more gunking up the universe………I don't know, Bonnie…the Wonder Woman suit just wouldn't  work for me… especially the gold cone things at the breast. Who dresses these superheros anyway? I understand post partum depression…but tell someone, do something other than kill your kids. Drop them in the lobby of the hospital…anything but hurt them.

        I know what you mean about not being all that sympathetic to the victim…although I feel a little guilty for being angry at the victim in the first suicide & sorry for the woman this week. It just seems different to me…I was also in a different place emotionally… anxious and distracted– but I'm still mad at the guy  2 months later.  It was near the end of July, I had just returned from my husband's stay in the hospital and was ready to fall into my own bed for the first time in two weeks when I got the call to pick up the children involved at the scene of the shooting…6, 9 and 12 . I had just left the kids and their mom – who had joined us in Baltimore for the week to help with my daughter. They made a mini vacation out of it…staying in our hotel room, swimming, sightseeing and keeping my daughter occupied when the situation at the hospital had deteriorated and she couldn't be there.  This family had a rough year themselves…the father left their mom and they lost their house at Christmas. They lived with me the past winter and spring and had just moved into a townhome and were finally getting settled.

        The mom of the man she'd been dating left a message for her to come to the guy's house and she drove there right from the trip home …with the three kids in the car. It wasn't until she arrived that she learned he had killed himself.  I arrived shortly after and ready to ring the bell at the glass front door as the police /paramedics? were unzipping the body bag for the parents to identify their son. I almost fell over. The father did. The kids, in the next room,  were hysterical.

        After  the initial shock and sadness at the loss of  his life… the most overwhelming emotion I've felt is anger at him for putting people through this….his parents ( an only child),   three vulnerable kids who had grown very fond of him and  my friend- who was having a hard time with everything.  He was a difficult person on a good day and my lack of sympathy for him might have something to do with his personality. he was too clingy, dx.d as bi-polar and he had recently stopped his meds. Their relationship was up and down,  he was petulant and miserable to be around and had recently grown very nasty to everyone. No note, just suicide…on the day she was due home. It just seemed so calculated and cruel. He had a good job ( a chemist), had friends, family who loved him, a dog he really loved and seemed to be OBSESSED with  ( don't understand that relationship…the dog smelled HORRIBLE-even after a bath, was kinda grumpy and GIGANTIC. It always chased me all over the place trying to be "romantic"- I had to jump on top of furniture to avoid him- i despised that dog as did everyone around him and he seemed to enjoy the offensive nature of the animal). I know it was his psychological trouble that caused his death — but a terrible thing to do to those he claimed to care about. The mess left for his elderly parents to deal with alone – so cruel.  

         The kids are now in therapy ( the 9 year old girl isn't handling any of her trouble very well)  and my friend is shell-shocked- not interested in dating ever again.  Even my daughter, who had a lot of stress this summer, was indirectly affected by the two suicides. She didn't need any more to deal with on top of her  fears and anxiety over her dad,  knowing both  victims- the gruesome reality of their deaths and watching her friends suffer. Too much  for kids to have in their lives. I think THAT is what really makes me upset…he hurt the kids. As did my neighbor…but I feel for her because she was helpless physically, tortured emotionally – her husband was abandoning the woman and family in desperate condition. So, maybe that's the difference.

        My sister's husband is a homicide detective and said it's possible the reason the husband was on the lawn with the policeman standing over him —probably not certain HE didn't kill her and make it look like a suicide….THAT somehow comforts me ( I'm shamed to admit ).  

        ps…for the pet lovers on the board… the dog as been fixed, bathed regularly and is living with victim's parents –  who seem to be doing well.

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        TinaR
        Participant

        LONG LONG – more gunking up the universe………I don't know, Bonnie…the Wonder Woman suit just wouldn't  work for me… especially the gold cone things at the breast. Who dresses these superheros anyway? I understand post partum depression…but tell someone, do something other than kill your kids. Drop them in the lobby of the hospital…anything but hurt them.

        I know what you mean about not being all that sympathetic to the victim…although I feel a little guilty for being angry at the victim in the first suicide & sorry for the woman this week. It just seems different to me…I was also in a different place emotionally… anxious and distracted– but I'm still mad at the guy  2 months later.  It was near the end of July, I had just returned from my husband's stay in the hospital and was ready to fall into my own bed for the first time in two weeks when I got the call to pick up the children involved at the scene of the shooting…6, 9 and 12 . I had just left the kids and their mom – who had joined us in Baltimore for the week to help with my daughter. They made a mini vacation out of it…staying in our hotel room, swimming, sightseeing and keeping my daughter occupied when the situation at the hospital had deteriorated and she couldn't be there.  This family had a rough year themselves…the father left their mom and they lost their house at Christmas. They lived with me the past winter and spring and had just moved into a townhome and were finally getting settled.

        The mom of the man she'd been dating left a message for her to come to the guy's house and she drove there right from the trip home …with the three kids in the car. It wasn't until she arrived that she learned he had killed himself.  I arrived shortly after and ready to ring the bell at the glass front door as the police /paramedics? were unzipping the body bag for the parents to identify their son. I almost fell over. The father did. The kids, in the next room,  were hysterical.

        After  the initial shock and sadness at the loss of  his life… the most overwhelming emotion I've felt is anger at him for putting people through this….his parents ( an only child),   three vulnerable kids who had grown very fond of him and  my friend- who was having a hard time with everything.  He was a difficult person on a good day and my lack of sympathy for him might have something to do with his personality. he was too clingy, dx.d as bi-polar and he had recently stopped his meds. Their relationship was up and down,  he was petulant and miserable to be around and had recently grown very nasty to everyone. No note, just suicide…on the day she was due home. It just seemed so calculated and cruel. He had a good job ( a chemist), had friends, family who loved him, a dog he really loved and seemed to be OBSESSED with  ( don't understand that relationship…the dog smelled HORRIBLE-even after a bath, was kinda grumpy and GIGANTIC. It always chased me all over the place trying to be "romantic"- I had to jump on top of furniture to avoid him- i despised that dog as did everyone around him and he seemed to enjoy the offensive nature of the animal). I know it was his psychological trouble that caused his death — but a terrible thing to do to those he claimed to care about. The mess left for his elderly parents to deal with alone – so cruel.  

         The kids are now in therapy ( the 9 year old girl isn't handling any of her trouble very well)  and my friend is shell-shocked- not interested in dating ever again.  Even my daughter, who had a lot of stress this summer, was indirectly affected by the two suicides. She didn't need any more to deal with on top of her  fears and anxiety over her dad,  knowing both  victims- the gruesome reality of their deaths and watching her friends suffer. Too much  for kids to have in their lives. I think THAT is what really makes me upset…he hurt the kids. As did my neighbor…but I feel for her because she was helpless physically, tortured emotionally – her husband was abandoning the woman and family in desperate condition. So, maybe that's the difference.

        My sister's husband is a homicide detective and said it's possible the reason the husband was on the lawn with the policeman standing over him —probably not certain HE didn't kill her and make it look like a suicide….THAT somehow comforts me ( I'm shamed to admit ).  

        ps…for the pet lovers on the board… the dog as been fixed, bathed regularly and is living with victim's parents –  who seem to be doing well.

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        Bonnie Lea
        Participant

        wonder woman!!!   and a guy in a white lab coat (sounds sort of maybe doctorish) aka mad scientist.  But I can see our Rox as  wonder woman…. and a person of GREAT compassion.

         

        Rox  I agree with you regarding the sucides.  To me it is (well perhaps I should not say)  but let's just say I am totally not sympathetic and feel the ones that are left behind have got to live their whole life remembering the person who snuffed themselves out.  I know I don't understand the reasons, but gee having people who LOVE you is enuff to keep one hanging on this life.

        I mourn still for my brother who died in so much pain, and with so much more left to give the world.  Up here we have a woman going on trial for killing her two kids  (age 3 and 1) in a bath tub cos she couldnt take the pressure?  Right I dont understand.

         

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        Kimmer
        Participant

        Rox,

        Yes, releasing it to the universe is therapeutic, no matter how many paragraphs it takes.  I think John Donne said something like

        any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind ''.. so

        It is an awful thing to try and understand when someone commits suicide.  My best friend's sister died that way when we were 15…still can't shake the images. 

        I will hold her child close in my thoughts as well as you.  And the mom…it is what happens when someone loses all hope and has to be among the worst of tragedies.

        I am so very sorry Rox.

        K.

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        TinaR
        Participant

        This is true, Kim– so sad.  Thanks for thinking of the boy…I can't even imagine how little people get beyond this type of thing.

         

         

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        TinaR
        Participant

        This is true, Kim– so sad.  Thanks for thinking of the boy…I can't even imagine how little people get beyond this type of thing.

         

         

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        Kimmer
        Participant

        Rox,

        Yes, releasing it to the universe is therapeutic, no matter how many paragraphs it takes.  I think John Donne said something like

        any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind ''.. so

        It is an awful thing to try and understand when someone commits suicide.  My best friend's sister died that way when we were 15…still can't shake the images. 

        I will hold her child close in my thoughts as well as you.  And the mom…it is what happens when someone loses all hope and has to be among the worst of tragedies.

        I am so very sorry Rox.

        K.

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        TinaR
        Participant

        Thanks Bonnie and John…I didn't see your video- it didn't pop up.  I'm upset for the boy… and the wife, not me. Life is filled with all manner of crap-this is just one of the millions of horrible stories. Cancer patients are fighting like crazy to stay alive and suicide seems so unfair in the scheme of things…but I do feel sad that a person can be so filled with despair they resort to this…how awful for everyone involved.

        I DO feel better after writing all my nasty feelings down ( in my trademark MULTIPLE paragraphs!). I wouldn't ever tell anyone I know the awful thoughts I had about the husband.  As our old friend Eeghads was fond of saying in dipsy-doodle new-agey hipster blabber— "releasing it out into the universe". Yep, smearing it all over others does a body good-ha! 

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      jag
      Participant

      I'm sorry to hear you are upset Rox.  Watching this helped cheer me up though.

       

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      LizzM
      Participant

      Oh, this is heartbreaking. That young boy will probably never fully recover from this. And what must he have thought about his father sprawled out on the grass? Incredibly sad that the mother felt so helpless. Just so so sad.

      ~~Liz

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      LizzM
      Participant

      Oh, this is heartbreaking. That young boy will probably never fully recover from this. And what must he have thought about his father sprawled out on the grass? Incredibly sad that the mother felt so helpless. Just so so sad.

      ~~Liz

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      jag
      Participant

      You know, when I was in college, me and a good drinking buddy (got kicked off of the hockey team for too much drinking and fighting-if thats possible) were talking about suicide, His point was that if you were to do it, definitely try to kill the president, that way, you will be in every history book to come.  We both thought experimenting with all kinds of illegal drugs and hookers would be a good way to go, but throw that in there, and you have to admit, it definitely sweetens the pot.  

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      jag
      Participant

      You know, when I was in college, me and a good drinking buddy (got kicked off of the hockey team for too much drinking and fighting-if thats possible) were talking about suicide, His point was that if you were to do it, definitely try to kill the president, that way, you will be in every history book to come.  We both thought experimenting with all kinds of illegal drugs and hookers would be a good way to go, but throw that in there, and you have to admit, it definitely sweetens the pot.  

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      Gale
      Participant

      I'm so very sorry for the little guy that was left behind. One can only hope that the Father steps up to the plate and becomes both the Mother and Father figure he so deserves.  Will keep  him close and thought, and you too Rox…I can't imagine seeing something like that unfold on my own street. Was the son a friend of your daughter's?

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        TinaR
        Participant

        Friends in the way neighborhood kids are…she's a girl, a year older, they ride the same bus, see each other at the park, have friends in common, etc.  So sad for that boy… I know it's bad to think this way, to not consider his suffering…but I hope this changes the way that man looks at his responsibility to people he interacts with…this disposable commitment idea had deadly consequence.

        If  two healthy equals choose to break the contractual commitment of marriage – it's not optimal…but not as bad as this falling away because something has changed and you're not having any fun (and you have no personal integrity)–it   sucks sucks sucks. You make a choice, you chose to add vulnerable little people to your life –  you stick with it, through thick and thin- especially  if one of you can't make it alone. THAT was the bargain in good times AND bad.  If your spouse is abusive to you or the kids. putting you in some sort of danger or criminal, that's another story. If that's not the case suck it up and do your job. Selfish.

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        TinaR
        Participant

        Friends in the way neighborhood kids are…she's a girl, a year older, they ride the same bus, see each other at the park, have friends in common, etc.  So sad for that boy… I know it's bad to think this way, to not consider his suffering…but I hope this changes the way that man looks at his responsibility to people he interacts with…this disposable commitment idea had deadly consequence.

        If  two healthy equals choose to break the contractual commitment of marriage – it's not optimal…but not as bad as this falling away because something has changed and you're not having any fun (and you have no personal integrity)–it   sucks sucks sucks. You make a choice, you chose to add vulnerable little people to your life –  you stick with it, through thick and thin- especially  if one of you can't make it alone. THAT was the bargain in good times AND bad.  If your spouse is abusive to you or the kids. putting you in some sort of danger or criminal, that's another story. If that's not the case suck it up and do your job. Selfish.

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      Gale
      Participant

      I'm so very sorry for the little guy that was left behind. One can only hope that the Father steps up to the plate and becomes both the Mother and Father figure he so deserves.  Will keep  him close and thought, and you too Rox…I can't imagine seeing something like that unfold on my own street. Was the son a friend of your daughter's?

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