› Forums › General Melanoma Community › When family just doesn’t get it
- This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 8 months ago by
mantonucci.
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- August 2, 2012 at 2:32 am
I am new to melanoma. Since the end of May, I've had five sites biopsied and all have come back with something: two were basal, one squamous, and two melanoma. I've had three Moh surgeries on one melanoma site, two on the second, smaller site, and full excision on the two basals. The squamous will be either excised or Moh when the stitiches come out of my second melanoma. I'm in my sixties, and never had stitches before this. Now this summer, in the past eight weeks, I have over a hundred.
I am new to melanoma. Since the end of May, I've had five sites biopsied and all have come back with something: two were basal, one squamous, and two melanoma. I've had three Moh surgeries on one melanoma site, two on the second, smaller site, and full excision on the two basals. The squamous will be either excised or Moh when the stitiches come out of my second melanoma. I'm in my sixties, and never had stitches before this. Now this summer, in the past eight weeks, I have over a hundred. It has been non-stop, with only a few weeks in between surgeries while stitches heal. Then back for the next. The stitches are all still recent, and ugly, and obvious. My back looks like it bears the "Mark of Zorro." So now does my arm.
I also have multiple sclerosis, and serious depression as a result of the MS diagnosis, which took me out of my classroom earlier than i'd planned. I've always been heat intolerant, perspiring heavily and looking nervous even when I wasn't. This, too, over time, added to the stress and anxiety that became depression. I was injecting a medication I didn't have faith in for four years, and finally last year, with the help of a counselor and anti-depressant medication, i was able to 'just say no' to the prescription for multiple sclerosis, and had just begun to feel more of my old, confident, assertive self. But it was too late to save my career. Little did I know that melanoma was yet ahead. I loved my job. I loved my colleagues. I miss them.
I'm from a large family. Some of my siblings have passed, as have my parents. But I still have five siblings. Most are a few years younger than I am. They continue to think that I can handle it. Only my husband truly "gets it." He is my rock, and always a full partner in my medical issues.
I never did manage to help my sisters understand that MS limited my energy, made my comfort level difficult to attain in summer, and cut into our financial resources. They are aware of the melanoma now, and yet still plan family get togethers on sunny beaches that are long drives away.
It is so defeating to know that there will always be a 'next time' for surgery, and stitches, and co-pays. And there will always be another social expectation of a sunny beach get together.
I guess I just needed to vent this in a safe place. It is so frustrating. They are all in their fifties or more. They are not uneducated, and not uncaring. But they are so dense when it comes to what they believe i ought to be handling and still showing up socially. I just want to walk away from them totally. But they are family. They were 'hurt' a year ago when i asked them to stop inviting me out to lunches with mediums at expensive restaurants.
I don't need lunch with a medium. I need time to sleep, and to save money for medical bills that are never ending. I want to spend awake time with my husband, or with my grandchildren and adult children. I am so fed up with them. They just don't get it.
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- August 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm
After reading your post, I knew I just had to respond.
I was diagnosed last year with a thin melanoma (.2 depth) on my arm. Melanoma does run in my family,and I've been on "mole patrol" for years. I've had many biopsies over the years, so I look like a gold ball.
Last year my cousin Rich was teasing me for covering up, and wearing a hat while sitting in the shade by the pool. Mind you, he had lost his mother the year before due to melanoma. She had battled for 15 years. He just thought it was all a big joke & nothing to worry about. The last tome I saw him, I noticed a mole on his temple that hadn't been there before. said he should check it out – his response was "I don't need to see a doctor for that".
And…while visiting my family 2 months ago, one of my brothers looked at me and said "You need to get some color". My response was "REALLY"????
I have decided that I am just going to take care of me. I don't need the stress from ignorant family members. I love them, and would never walk away from them either.
So….take care of you! It's great that your husband is so supportive. I hope everything turns out ok for you, and that you don't have to deal with anymore melanoma.
Cathy
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- August 3, 2012 at 1:07 am
Cathy – Thank you for responding to my post. I talked with a friend of mine on the phone last night, and felt better after sharing my frustrations with her. She has cancer, and has had chemo and radiation, and I am always humbled by her ability to put things in perspective with me. She's a no-nonsense, truly loving friend, and I'm fortunate to have her in my life. We've been friends since high school.
I'm wishing you well, too.
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- August 3, 2012 at 1:07 am
Cathy – Thank you for responding to my post. I talked with a friend of mine on the phone last night, and felt better after sharing my frustrations with her. She has cancer, and has had chemo and radiation, and I am always humbled by her ability to put things in perspective with me. She's a no-nonsense, truly loving friend, and I'm fortunate to have her in my life. We've been friends since high school.
I'm wishing you well, too.
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- August 3, 2012 at 1:07 am
Cathy – Thank you for responding to my post. I talked with a friend of mine on the phone last night, and felt better after sharing my frustrations with her. She has cancer, and has had chemo and radiation, and I am always humbled by her ability to put things in perspective with me. She's a no-nonsense, truly loving friend, and I'm fortunate to have her in my life. We've been friends since high school.
I'm wishing you well, too.
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- August 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm
After reading your post, I knew I just had to respond.
I was diagnosed last year with a thin melanoma (.2 depth) on my arm. Melanoma does run in my family,and I've been on "mole patrol" for years. I've had many biopsies over the years, so I look like a gold ball.
Last year my cousin Rich was teasing me for covering up, and wearing a hat while sitting in the shade by the pool. Mind you, he had lost his mother the year before due to melanoma. She had battled for 15 years. He just thought it was all a big joke & nothing to worry about. The last tome I saw him, I noticed a mole on his temple that hadn't been there before. said he should check it out – his response was "I don't need to see a doctor for that".
And…while visiting my family 2 months ago, one of my brothers looked at me and said "You need to get some color". My response was "REALLY"????
I have decided that I am just going to take care of me. I don't need the stress from ignorant family members. I love them, and would never walk away from them either.
So….take care of you! It's great that your husband is so supportive. I hope everything turns out ok for you, and that you don't have to deal with anymore melanoma.
Cathy
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- August 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm
After reading your post, I knew I just had to respond.
I was diagnosed last year with a thin melanoma (.2 depth) on my arm. Melanoma does run in my family,and I've been on "mole patrol" for years. I've had many biopsies over the years, so I look like a gold ball.
Last year my cousin Rich was teasing me for covering up, and wearing a hat while sitting in the shade by the pool. Mind you, he had lost his mother the year before due to melanoma. She had battled for 15 years. He just thought it was all a big joke & nothing to worry about. The last tome I saw him, I noticed a mole on his temple that hadn't been there before. said he should check it out – his response was "I don't need to see a doctor for that".
And…while visiting my family 2 months ago, one of my brothers looked at me and said "You need to get some color". My response was "REALLY"????
I have decided that I am just going to take care of me. I don't need the stress from ignorant family members. I love them, and would never walk away from them either.
So….take care of you! It's great that your husband is so supportive. I hope everything turns out ok for you, and that you don't have to deal with anymore melanoma.
Cathy
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- August 3, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Hi there: I'm really glad you found this community. The folks on here are insightful and I'm sure many of them have faced similar family situations.
I'm not sure if it's geographically possible, but have you considered holding a family meeting? Where you share your concerns (and frustration) with your family while they are all in the same place? If your husband (and maybe children) are there to support you, would it be easier to get your message across?
I also wanted to let you know that we have a Phone Buddy program that matches patients up with volunteers who have been there, done that, so to speak. The goal is to have someone available to listen and to provide support and tips on handling the sometimes overwhelming issues that accompany a melanoma diagnosis. Sounds like you've already got a lot on your plate with your MS. Perhaps a Phone Buddy could give you a little one-on-one support?
You can read more about it here: http://www.melanoma.org/mrf-phone-buddy-program
Please, feel free to call me if you have questions, or would like to be matched up with someone.
Take good care,
Mary Mendoza
National Director, Volunteer Services
(202) 347-9675
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- August 3, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Hi there: I'm really glad you found this community. The folks on here are insightful and I'm sure many of them have faced similar family situations.
I'm not sure if it's geographically possible, but have you considered holding a family meeting? Where you share your concerns (and frustration) with your family while they are all in the same place? If your husband (and maybe children) are there to support you, would it be easier to get your message across?
I also wanted to let you know that we have a Phone Buddy program that matches patients up with volunteers who have been there, done that, so to speak. The goal is to have someone available to listen and to provide support and tips on handling the sometimes overwhelming issues that accompany a melanoma diagnosis. Sounds like you've already got a lot on your plate with your MS. Perhaps a Phone Buddy could give you a little one-on-one support?
You can read more about it here: http://www.melanoma.org/mrf-phone-buddy-program
Please, feel free to call me if you have questions, or would like to be matched up with someone.
Take good care,
Mary Mendoza
National Director, Volunteer Services
(202) 347-9675
-
- August 3, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Hi there: I'm really glad you found this community. The folks on here are insightful and I'm sure many of them have faced similar family situations.
I'm not sure if it's geographically possible, but have you considered holding a family meeting? Where you share your concerns (and frustration) with your family while they are all in the same place? If your husband (and maybe children) are there to support you, would it be easier to get your message across?
I also wanted to let you know that we have a Phone Buddy program that matches patients up with volunteers who have been there, done that, so to speak. The goal is to have someone available to listen and to provide support and tips on handling the sometimes overwhelming issues that accompany a melanoma diagnosis. Sounds like you've already got a lot on your plate with your MS. Perhaps a Phone Buddy could give you a little one-on-one support?
You can read more about it here: http://www.melanoma.org/mrf-phone-buddy-program
Please, feel free to call me if you have questions, or would like to be matched up with someone.
Take good care,
Mary Mendoza
National Director, Volunteer Services
(202) 347-9675
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