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Waiting for the inevitable…..

Forums General Melanoma Community Waiting for the inevitable…..

  • Post
    Everymoment
    Participant
      Hi guys,
      So I have had four primaries and I feel like I am just waiting for something to go wrong. One cell had to have gone through. Why is it that a 9 year old has to have melanoma in her brain and I am still here? I wait each and every day to feel a swollen lymph node……it should be happening to me…I had vulvar melanoma …. I just don’t get this disease…..will it wait until I’m happy and I have my first kid to strike !!!!! When!!!! I’m ANGRY that this has taken over my life….I actually think about whether I will make it through a Phd program if I start…Errrr.
      Everymoment

      Hi guys,
      So I have had four primaries and I feel like I am just waiting for something to go wrong. One cell had to have gone through. Why is it that a 9 year old has to have melanoma in her brain and I am still here? I wait each and every day to feel a swollen lymph node……it should be happening to me…I had vulvar melanoma …. I just don’t get this disease…..will it wait until I’m happy and I have my first kid to strike !!!!! When!!!! I’m ANGRY that this has taken over my life….I actually think about whether I will make it through a Phd program if I start…Errrr.
      Everymoment

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    • Replies
        Linda/Kentucky
        Participant

          As a caregiver to my husband stage IV those thoughts have gone through my mind.  What if we get to a point we have controlled this beast (which we are very far from that)and start living again just to have it rear it's ugly head again.  To go through the physical and emotional pain all over again.  Then I realize…..it's one more day the Lord has given my husband to me to talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him and "make memories" as we call it.  That snaps me back to reality.  I'll take whatever we can get at this point and when it's all over I'll look back and say.  Thank you Lord for being so good to us.  Call me crazy…..I don't know, but this is my feelings toward melanoma.  So please live your life, do things you want to do don't wait on this beast to capture you and steal your plans for your future it's already  taken enough.

           

          Linda/Kentucky

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          Linda/Kentucky
          Participant

            As a caregiver to my husband stage IV those thoughts have gone through my mind.  What if we get to a point we have controlled this beast (which we are very far from that)and start living again just to have it rear it's ugly head again.  To go through the physical and emotional pain all over again.  Then I realize…..it's one more day the Lord has given my husband to me to talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him and "make memories" as we call it.  That snaps me back to reality.  I'll take whatever we can get at this point and when it's all over I'll look back and say.  Thank you Lord for being so good to us.  Call me crazy…..I don't know, but this is my feelings toward melanoma.  So please live your life, do things you want to do don't wait on this beast to capture you and steal your plans for your future it's already  taken enough.

             

            Linda/Kentucky

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            lhaley
            Participant

              You have to learn to live for the day.  I was originally diagnosed in 1979! I've had many primaries and even more severely dysplastic moles.  I did recur 27 years later. During that time I had a child, watched him grow up and graduate from college, get married and now I'm a grandmother. I also got my masters degree during that time.  Taught elementary school and have now retired – twice.

              While Stage IV we have moved and restored (not quite finished) an older house. You have to find a way that you can move on.  No one is promised a tomorrow. You can get into your car and have an accident. Learn to live and find a way to destress. 

              Linda

              Stage IV since March 06

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              lhaley
              Participant

                You have to learn to live for the day.  I was originally diagnosed in 1979! I've had many primaries and even more severely dysplastic moles.  I did recur 27 years later. During that time I had a child, watched him grow up and graduate from college, get married and now I'm a grandmother. I also got my masters degree during that time.  Taught elementary school and have now retired – twice.

                While Stage IV we have moved and restored (not quite finished) an older house. You have to find a way that you can move on.  No one is promised a tomorrow. You can get into your car and have an accident. Learn to live and find a way to destress. 

                Linda

                Stage IV since March 06

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                washoegal
                Participant

                  If I remember from previous posts you've had 4 mel's – and you are Stage 1.  I can understand your anxiety, but you should be so thankful you are on top it. Please don't take this the wrong way but you are asking questions none of us can answer. And it sounds as if your head is really not in a good place at this time.  Please consider getting some counseling.  I say this from the point of view from someone who has suffered from depression. 

                  I am saying things here rather bluntly and I apologize.  I know of no other way to get the message across. 

                  Mary

                  Stage 3

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                  washoegal
                  Participant

                    If I remember from previous posts you've had 4 mel's – and you are Stage 1.  I can understand your anxiety, but you should be so thankful you are on top it. Please don't take this the wrong way but you are asking questions none of us can answer. And it sounds as if your head is really not in a good place at this time.  Please consider getting some counseling.  I say this from the point of view from someone who has suffered from depression. 

                    I am saying things here rather bluntly and I apologize.  I know of no other way to get the message across. 

                    Mary

                    Stage 3

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                    Jerry from Cape Cod
                    Participant

                      Hi,

                      Take a deep breath.  You are letting cancer run your life. It's won this battle.  You have slipped into victim mode.

                      I much prefer to live my life in spite of cancer. I am not a cancer victim.  I'm a person who happens to have cancer.

                      I'm not trying to be rude, but perhaps you are spending too much time on this board, go with the majority of Stage I's and live your life  Be cautious, but don't let the beast rule you.

                      Jerry from Cape Cod.

                      Stage IV

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                      Jerry from Cape Cod
                      Participant

                        Hi,

                        Take a deep breath.  You are letting cancer run your life. It's won this battle.  You have slipped into victim mode.

                        I much prefer to live my life in spite of cancer. I am not a cancer victim.  I'm a person who happens to have cancer.

                        I'm not trying to be rude, but perhaps you are spending too much time on this board, go with the majority of Stage I's and live your life  Be cautious, but don't let the beast rule you.

                        Jerry from Cape Cod.

                        Stage IV

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                        JuleFL
                        Participant
                          I don’t mean to be flippant, have you ever tried kickboxing or martial arts? It helps to release tough emotions and can give you a feeling of empowerment. It is so important to live each day to the fullest. If a Phd is your dream, there is no reason not to pursue it. No one knows where our lives will take us. I hope you will feel better soon.

                          Jule

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                          JuleFL
                          Participant
                            I don’t mean to be flippant, have you ever tried kickboxing or martial arts? It helps to release tough emotions and can give you a feeling of empowerment. It is so important to live each day to the fullest. If a Phd is your dream, there is no reason not to pursue it. No one knows where our lives will take us. I hope you will feel better soon.

                            Jule

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                            eshaw
                            Participant

                              I am a little concerned by the replies to "Everymoment". I imagine that all of us, ALL OF US, regardless of our stages or current treatment protocol go to the dark place from time to time. The place that creeps up on you when you feel a swollen lymph node that you've never noticed before, even though you have been fighting off a nasty chest virus for a week. We all know that dark place and we can all speak to the fear that snatches at your throat when you look at your family and think "what if…".

                              Some of us spend too much time in the dark place, and some of us only the most fleeting moments before they beat it back with brave optimism. But we've all been there and this board is supposed to be a place where we can admit our fears, find comfort in not being alone, and get to a better place.

                              I know exactly what it is like to be afraid of the other shoe dropping and I feel no shame in talking about it. As long as we don't dwell there, that we don't allow our fears to dictate our life path, I'm here to tell you that it's okay. It doesn't mean that I need counseling (thought it certainly can be helpful), it doesn't mean that I've allowed cancer to run my life, or allowed it to win any battle over me. It just means that I am afraid of getting sick, of my children growing up without a mom, of my husband being alone….etc. Perhaps I'm going out on a limb her, but I think these are things that we all fear because they tether us to life. They are why we fight. Our fear of losing them drives us, enrages us, makes us put on our battle gear with gusto.

                              I was diagnosed when I had a 9 week old newborn, Everymoment. I get it. And I'm sure every single person who deals with this damn disease gets it too. But, try to take deep breaths through the dark place, because your life is the sun and your time is much better spent there with the people you love. However, until the darkness lifts, we are all here to support you.

                               

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                              eshaw
                              Participant

                                I am a little concerned by the replies to "Everymoment". I imagine that all of us, ALL OF US, regardless of our stages or current treatment protocol go to the dark place from time to time. The place that creeps up on you when you feel a swollen lymph node that you've never noticed before, even though you have been fighting off a nasty chest virus for a week. We all know that dark place and we can all speak to the fear that snatches at your throat when you look at your family and think "what if…".

                                Some of us spend too much time in the dark place, and some of us only the most fleeting moments before they beat it back with brave optimism. But we've all been there and this board is supposed to be a place where we can admit our fears, find comfort in not being alone, and get to a better place.

                                I know exactly what it is like to be afraid of the other shoe dropping and I feel no shame in talking about it. As long as we don't dwell there, that we don't allow our fears to dictate our life path, I'm here to tell you that it's okay. It doesn't mean that I need counseling (thought it certainly can be helpful), it doesn't mean that I've allowed cancer to run my life, or allowed it to win any battle over me. It just means that I am afraid of getting sick, of my children growing up without a mom, of my husband being alone….etc. Perhaps I'm going out on a limb her, but I think these are things that we all fear because they tether us to life. They are why we fight. Our fear of losing them drives us, enrages us, makes us put on our battle gear with gusto.

                                I was diagnosed when I had a 9 week old newborn, Everymoment. I get it. And I'm sure every single person who deals with this damn disease gets it too. But, try to take deep breaths through the dark place, because your life is the sun and your time is much better spent there with the people you love. However, until the darkness lifts, we are all here to support you.

                                 

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                                Dawn
                                Participant

                                  Hello

                                  I am the mother of the 9 year old diagnosed with melanoma.  Pick yourself up and cherish everyday.  We live for the day and the future. We make plans for the future….she wants to be a school teacher and a mother and we look for the future.  I have been in that sad state but I can't stay there for her or myself.  Yes this is a sad situation and I have cried many tears, but we aren't going to wait for this disease to tell us what we can or can't do….we are going to live and not look back….just forward without reservations.  She made it through her first round of ipi and is wanting to go home…so off we go to be a nine year old and enjoy life.  take care and good luck…I will be watching the blogs to keep up with everyone.  Dawn…mother to Becca…..caringbridge.org…beccaede

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                                  Dawn
                                  Participant

                                    Hello

                                    I am the mother of the 9 year old diagnosed with melanoma.  Pick yourself up and cherish everyday.  We live for the day and the future. We make plans for the future….she wants to be a school teacher and a mother and we look for the future.  I have been in that sad state but I can't stay there for her or myself.  Yes this is a sad situation and I have cried many tears, but we aren't going to wait for this disease to tell us what we can or can't do….we are going to live and not look back….just forward without reservations.  She made it through her first round of ipi and is wanting to go home…so off we go to be a nine year old and enjoy life.  take care and good luck…I will be watching the blogs to keep up with everyone.  Dawn…mother to Becca…..caringbridge.org…beccaede

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                                    Dawn
                                    Participant

                                      Hello

                                      I am the mother of the 9 year old diagnosed with melanoma.  Pick yourself up and cherish everyday.  We live for the day and the future. We make plans for the future….she wants to be a school teacher and a mother and we look for the future.  I have been in that sad state but I can't stay there for her or myself.  Yes this is a sad situation and I have cried many tears, but we aren't going to wait for this disease to tell us what we can or can't do….we are going to live and not look back….just forward without reservations.  She made it through her first round of ipi and is wanting to go home…so off we go to be a nine year old and enjoy life.  take care and good luck…I will be watching the blogs to keep up with everyone.  Dawn…mother to Becca…..caringbridge.org…beccaede

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                                      Dawn
                                      Participant

                                        Hello

                                        I am the mother of the 9 year old diagnosed with melanoma.  Pick yourself up and cherish everyday.  We live for the day and the future. We make plans for the future….she wants to be a school teacher and a mother and we look for the future.  I have been in that sad state but I can't stay there for her or myself.  Yes this is a sad situation and I have cried many tears, but we aren't going to wait for this disease to tell us what we can or can't do….we are going to live and not look back….just forward without reservations.  She made it through her first round of ipi and is wanting to go home…so off we go to be a nine year old and enjoy life.  take care and good luck…I will be watching the blogs to keep up with everyone.  Dawn…mother to Becca…..caringbridge.org…beccaede

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                                        rj
                                        Participant

                                          My dear, you sound tired of dealing with Melanoma, and I don't blame you.  Though your staging isn't bad, you've had to address the knowledge that your body has had cancer growing in it, and no one likes that.  I had my period of bleak, black time working through my husband's melanoma. 

                                          One of the things that helped me most was a talk by a cancer victim, a friend of Max Lucado's and it is on his web site somewhere.  The man said he woke up the morning after diagnosis and told his wife that he had DEATH in his body.  His wonderful wife said, "Well, of course you do!  We all do.  But we also have Life and we are going to choose to live while we're alive."  

                                          I think that's what everyone is saying here. We get to that acceptance in different times and manners.  You'll get there!  Chin up, make your plans, and start living!

                                          Ron is IIIC with deep growth, matted nodes, and had an extremely high mitotic rate, but he's the most alive person I know.  He finished interferon, is landscaping our grounds, making plans to buy a ranch, and hopes to start a business that will get a couple young families we know on their feet.  If melanoma returns, well, we'll address it then.  He will not let. it ruin the good times.

                                          God bless you, and you will get there.  Go after that Ph.D

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                                          rj
                                          Participant

                                            My dear, you sound tired of dealing with Melanoma, and I don't blame you.  Though your staging isn't bad, you've had to address the knowledge that your body has had cancer growing in it, and no one likes that.  I had my period of bleak, black time working through my husband's melanoma. 

                                            One of the things that helped me most was a talk by a cancer victim, a friend of Max Lucado's and it is on his web site somewhere.  The man said he woke up the morning after diagnosis and told his wife that he had DEATH in his body.  His wonderful wife said, "Well, of course you do!  We all do.  But we also have Life and we are going to choose to live while we're alive."  

                                            I think that's what everyone is saying here. We get to that acceptance in different times and manners.  You'll get there!  Chin up, make your plans, and start living!

                                            Ron is IIIC with deep growth, matted nodes, and had an extremely high mitotic rate, but he's the most alive person I know.  He finished interferon, is landscaping our grounds, making plans to buy a ranch, and hopes to start a business that will get a couple young families we know on their feet.  If melanoma returns, well, we'll address it then.  He will not let. it ruin the good times.

                                            God bless you, and you will get there.  Go after that Ph.D

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