Is feeling alone selfish?

Becca, 

First you are definitely not alone…and I am 100% sure everything you feel is completely normal. My son is the patient not me. Although I wish everyday it was me and not him. Even so I have similar feelings as you..and I know for a fact  that his melanoma diagnosis has completely changed the person I am. I will never be the same person I was before my son was diagnosed. I guess you just have to remember that everyday you are strong enough to get out of bed and go on with your life as “normal” as possible is a good day.  

As for making all people understand I don’t know if that’s possible. I have had people say the same things as you and “at least he does not need chemo”….well immunotherapy can be pretty scary too…I just decided that I need to be the one who knows the real truth about melanoma so I can help my son make the best decisions . It really does not matter what anyone else thinks. Because in the end they are not the one fighting the battle or winning the war.  

My son is young, he does not get the full impact of the diagnosis…for him that’s probably a good thing. But as his mom it’s not the best thing for me. Believe me  I definitely cry a lot but there are times I am able to laugh too…..I take every minute as it comes. I think that’s all you can do. 

Hang in there. Stay strong and keep taking it one minute at a time. This forum is great for support…so post away!!! 

Kelly 🙂 

Hi Becca just wanted to say youre not alone and I've been going through something similar. Im a recently diagnosed 3b and whenever i discuss it with people who aren't my immediate family, they tend to say stupid stuff. people don't really know what to say in situations like this I think. I also don't think a lot of people understand the severity of melanoma, when I was in a cast people would just say things like "at least its not broken"

hang in there, youre not alone!

Hi Becca,  I just wanted to chime in to say that I've been dealing with an advanced stage of this for a while and I can say that my experience is that the emotions were the most difficult at the beginning.  After some time, I guess I got used to it and it really doesn't freak me out anymore.  Hopefully, with time (and you do have time), you will adjust to your diagnosis to the point that it is no longer so bothersome.  As for people understanding, I've gotten a lot there.  But I've come to realize that a lot of people are just uninformed when it comes to cancer and they want to stay that way.  I had a friend visit who told me his sister was in hospice with end stage cancer.  I asked what kind of cancer she had and he answered "It's everywhere".  He didn't know and he didn't realize that it made any difference.  Some people just don't want to know anything about cancer.  A while back, I was in remission for a while.  My mother chose to believe that meant I was cured.  I tried to explain it to her but she didn't want to hear it.  It can be very frustrating when people don't understand but it can also be their way of coping.  They want to believe that it's no big deal so they do.  Hopefully, this will end up just being a blip in your life.  Time will tell.

Cheers!

Maggie

Hi Becca,

It seems no one can truly understand unless they are standing in your shoes.  Your feelings are justified and not selfish.  My husband tries to be understanding however still says things that clearly show he just doesn't get it.  Most people won't.  Many don't know what to do or say when they find out that I'm a patient.  Recently I've gotten the "Well you look great.  We can't believe you are/were/ sick."  Apparently if you don't look like a cancer patient you can't be a cancer patient.  I work in the biopharma space so this is really interesting coming from my work colleagues, people with pHDs who just don't get it.

This is the best place to vent.  The people here are your people.  We all get it.  We've been through it or are going through it or are about to go through it.  

I wish you well and hope that you find some solace here.

Jennifer

Your feelings are normal, Becca, as are the misunderstandings people have about melanoma. That’s partly why I don’t talk about it much. (My husband is the patient.) Responses tend to be like the ones you’ve gotten – it’s only skin cancer – or the opposite, figuring my husband has about a minute left on earth. I don’t need to deal with either one. I’ve felt alone too – and two of our cats, one my constant side-kick, had to be euthanized over the last few months. 

Have you considered joining a support group and/or talking with a counselor who works with cancer patients? My husband’s melanoma treatment center is part of a cancer center that has counseling, groups and activities for patients and their families or friends. Those people get it. It could be less frustrating that trying to fight for understanding from everyone in your world. Targeted talking. 

Beth

I guess any feelings are kind of selfish, but it's not always bad to be selfish.  It is your life after all.  I've not had too many people talk about how minor mine is fortunately.  Unfortunately, that's because it's very obvious what it's done to me.  But still, I try to think about what I knew about cancer and melanoma specifically a year ago, which was next to nothing.  I feel the same as the person who said you get more adjusted to it in time.  Good luck

Becca,

I just want to thank you for putting your question out here. I too am recently NED and have been going through many of the emotions you describe. In fact. When I red your post, I thought you had red my mine and posted it! 

I’m having a harder time than I thought I would moving on with my life. The more normal it gets, the more fear, anger sadness arises. But, I believe that it’s all part of the healing process.

All the best!