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Dad’s Doctors

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  • Post
    • April 2, 2013 at 10:59 pm
    meeshka6059
    Participant

      Has anyone experienced this?

      Dad's 3 doctors, oncologist, neurological radiologist, and internist (who works at their retirement community) HAVE NOT called Mom at all. Not during Dad's time on hospice (when we tried to call we were told they were on vacation… all of them?!) or since Dad's passing on 3-26-13. Mom and I are upset about this. Even the vet contacts you when a pet passes away. Of course we are trying to let it go but…. come on…. a call? a note? something? anything???!!! Or is this standard protocol when someone dies "on your watch"?

      Has anyone experienced this?

      Dad's 3 doctors, oncologist, neurological radiologist, and internist (who works at their retirement community) HAVE NOT called Mom at all. Not during Dad's time on hospice (when we tried to call we were told they were on vacation… all of them?!) or since Dad's passing on 3-26-13. Mom and I are upset about this. Even the vet contacts you when a pet passes away. Of course we are trying to let it go but…. come on…. a call? a note? something? anything???!!! Or is this standard protocol when someone dies "on your watch"?

      Dad's cardiologist sent a beautiful note when she found out.

      What gives?

      Thanks,

      Michelle

    Viewing 2 reply threads
    • Replies
        • April 3, 2013 at 12:14 pm
        susanr
        Participant

          Hello Michelle,

           

          I wanted to say again how sorry I am about your Dad.  I know sorry is not enough to ease your sadness about your Dad.

          I just went through this also with my brother, so I know what you are going through. I hope you and your family are trying to hold up as best as you can.  I posted to your notice about your Dad passing.  I will help to talk to others, vent, or cry.  What helped me was on this site and MIF…forums for family members.  Incredible people to talk to, and I have to say I think some of them suffered more than I and they show such great strength.

          To answer your question.  I know what you mean…"what gives".  When my brother passed in 12/2012…his main onc. was very caring at the end.  He had a surgical oncologist..who he admired so much.  My brother really liked him.  The Surgical Onc. did not contact my family at all after he passed. The doctor knew how much my brother liked him and that he was really the only one my brother could open up to.  So we thought that it kind of was a blow off that he did not send a note or anything.  It really bothered my sister in law.  I always try to look at both sides first before making my decision.  Now, I am in the medical field.  I have been a Physician Assistant for 15 yrs.  I worked in Oncology for quite a few yrs when I was a Surgical PA.  I am telling you this from some of my own personal experiences and what I observed over the yrs.  There are some clinicians who can really come off uncaring, they look at the disease/body…and not the person.  Sometimes it is a defense mecahnism to not have that attachment to a person.  I know when I first started out and would see patients die it really upset me.  I like to be caring and go that extra mile for patients….sometimes I got kicked right in the butt and it really bothered me that I was so caring and patients or their families threw me under the bus for something the hospital did, a doctor did, a nurse did.  So as yrs went by….I became a lil more guarded but still always did the right thing.  I also tried to not get "too attached " emotionally to a patient.  When I saw people suffer and then watching them pass…it would ruin my day, week, etc. because I was emotionally attached.  It can also be hard on the doctors, nurse, etc.  When you see people die a lot…and unfortunately in oncology it happens a lot…you have to have some kind of barrier up to not make you go crazy or be depressed.  I do agree with you that doctors don't have to call….a note is just as good.  I did not stress to much about my brothers docs not contacting us after he died because his oncologist, she lost her husband to cancer…so I know she gets it.  I also look at it as " be my friend when I am alive not when I am gone"….meaning that they were very good to my brother when he was alive….thats what matters.  I know it probably does not make you feel better but I hope you see my side and maybe it shows the other side.  The big complaint in the medical field from patients is that they feel clinicians are not caring enough.  I listen and see what it is like as a clinician.  Listen, nobody tells these people to go into the meidcal field…so if they don't like it…I say get out.!!!!  I myself love the medical field…the science and helping others.  I did not like seeing people die…and i saw many…it hurt but what I did was learn a way to accept death and still continue helping others and enjoy the medical field.  I hope this long message helps but I am trying to give you my scenario of what maybe your dads doctors see everyday and if they are like me..it does bother you watching patients die and you have to overcome it somehow.  Oncology has to be the hardest field to work.  I personally don't think I can go back to that field.  I guess I am not strong enough for it and I admit it.  Michelle, I hope it helps and If it does'nt…I can explain more and I am sure some others will chime in……….keep in touch.  my thoughts are with your family.

           

          Susan…sister of Peter…entered heaven 12/6/2012.

            • April 3, 2013 at 4:20 pm
            meeshka6059
            Participant

              Hi Susan, Thank you for your message. I do understand what you are saying. And we also felt close to Dad's doctors. We even hugged them at every visit and called them by their first names. Mom and Dad felt faith in them and yes, a closeness. I understand that doctors see a lot of death. That's a given, especially oncologists. And especially a doctor who works inside a retirement community such as my parents. So perhaps since they all didn't acknowledge Dad's passing it is coming from that difficult and maybe calloused place they have created in order to survive the saddness. I am forgiving them and letting it go. I hope my Mom can do the same. It's just not worth another minute.

              I am also on the MIF site and will check out the forums for family members that you mentioned.

              My heart and prayers are with you and your family, too. Thank you for your kindness, Susan.

              ~Michelle

              • April 6, 2013 at 1:54 pm
              susanr
              Participant

                Michelle,

                You are right.  It sounds that you all had a close relationship and then now no call…card…nothing.

                That would hurt me also.  That would anger me and its not right because then I feel it was disrespectful to your Dad.

                But…maybe they are giving you all some time and then will reach out.  I do know how you feel and I am not defending the medical profession.  Sometimes bad things happen to us that make us realize who are sincere, important to us and to block out those you are not.  Times like this show us who are important to us.  I realized that big time with my brothers passing.

                I appreciate your kind thoughts for my family. 

                Regards

                Susan…Sister of Peter..12/6/2012

                • April 6, 2013 at 1:54 pm
                susanr
                Participant

                  Michelle,

                  You are right.  It sounds that you all had a close relationship and then now no call…card…nothing.

                  That would hurt me also.  That would anger me and its not right because then I feel it was disrespectful to your Dad.

                  But…maybe they are giving you all some time and then will reach out.  I do know how you feel and I am not defending the medical profession.  Sometimes bad things happen to us that make us realize who are sincere, important to us and to block out those you are not.  Times like this show us who are important to us.  I realized that big time with my brothers passing.

                  I appreciate your kind thoughts for my family. 

                  Regards

                  Susan…Sister of Peter..12/6/2012

                  • April 6, 2013 at 1:54 pm
                  susanr
                  Participant

                    Michelle,

                    You are right.  It sounds that you all had a close relationship and then now no call…card…nothing.

                    That would hurt me also.  That would anger me and its not right because then I feel it was disrespectful to your Dad.

                    But…maybe they are giving you all some time and then will reach out.  I do know how you feel and I am not defending the medical profession.  Sometimes bad things happen to us that make us realize who are sincere, important to us and to block out those you are not.  Times like this show us who are important to us.  I realized that big time with my brothers passing.

                    I appreciate your kind thoughts for my family. 

                    Regards

                    Susan…Sister of Peter..12/6/2012

                    • April 3, 2013 at 4:20 pm
                    meeshka6059
                    Participant

                      Hi Susan, Thank you for your message. I do understand what you are saying. And we also felt close to Dad's doctors. We even hugged them at every visit and called them by their first names. Mom and Dad felt faith in them and yes, a closeness. I understand that doctors see a lot of death. That's a given, especially oncologists. And especially a doctor who works inside a retirement community such as my parents. So perhaps since they all didn't acknowledge Dad's passing it is coming from that difficult and maybe calloused place they have created in order to survive the saddness. I am forgiving them and letting it go. I hope my Mom can do the same. It's just not worth another minute.

                      I am also on the MIF site and will check out the forums for family members that you mentioned.

                      My heart and prayers are with you and your family, too. Thank you for your kindness, Susan.

                      ~Michelle

                      • April 3, 2013 at 4:20 pm
                      meeshka6059
                      Participant

                        Hi Susan, Thank you for your message. I do understand what you are saying. And we also felt close to Dad's doctors. We even hugged them at every visit and called them by their first names. Mom and Dad felt faith in them and yes, a closeness. I understand that doctors see a lot of death. That's a given, especially oncologists. And especially a doctor who works inside a retirement community such as my parents. So perhaps since they all didn't acknowledge Dad's passing it is coming from that difficult and maybe calloused place they have created in order to survive the saddness. I am forgiving them and letting it go. I hope my Mom can do the same. It's just not worth another minute.

                        I am also on the MIF site and will check out the forums for family members that you mentioned.

                        My heart and prayers are with you and your family, too. Thank you for your kindness, Susan.

                        ~Michelle

                      • April 3, 2013 at 12:14 pm
                      susanr
                      Participant

                        Hello Michelle,

                         

                        I wanted to say again how sorry I am about your Dad.  I know sorry is not enough to ease your sadness about your Dad.

                        I just went through this also with my brother, so I know what you are going through. I hope you and your family are trying to hold up as best as you can.  I posted to your notice about your Dad passing.  I will help to talk to others, vent, or cry.  What helped me was on this site and MIF…forums for family members.  Incredible people to talk to, and I have to say I think some of them suffered more than I and they show such great strength.

                        To answer your question.  I know what you mean…"what gives".  When my brother passed in 12/2012…his main onc. was very caring at the end.  He had a surgical oncologist..who he admired so much.  My brother really liked him.  The Surgical Onc. did not contact my family at all after he passed. The doctor knew how much my brother liked him and that he was really the only one my brother could open up to.  So we thought that it kind of was a blow off that he did not send a note or anything.  It really bothered my sister in law.  I always try to look at both sides first before making my decision.  Now, I am in the medical field.  I have been a Physician Assistant for 15 yrs.  I worked in Oncology for quite a few yrs when I was a Surgical PA.  I am telling you this from some of my own personal experiences and what I observed over the yrs.  There are some clinicians who can really come off uncaring, they look at the disease/body…and not the person.  Sometimes it is a defense mecahnism to not have that attachment to a person.  I know when I first started out and would see patients die it really upset me.  I like to be caring and go that extra mile for patients….sometimes I got kicked right in the butt and it really bothered me that I was so caring and patients or their families threw me under the bus for something the hospital did, a doctor did, a nurse did.  So as yrs went by….I became a lil more guarded but still always did the right thing.  I also tried to not get "too attached " emotionally to a patient.  When I saw people suffer and then watching them pass…it would ruin my day, week, etc. because I was emotionally attached.  It can also be hard on the doctors, nurse, etc.  When you see people die a lot…and unfortunately in oncology it happens a lot…you have to have some kind of barrier up to not make you go crazy or be depressed.  I do agree with you that doctors don't have to call….a note is just as good.  I did not stress to much about my brothers docs not contacting us after he died because his oncologist, she lost her husband to cancer…so I know she gets it.  I also look at it as " be my friend when I am alive not when I am gone"….meaning that they were very good to my brother when he was alive….thats what matters.  I know it probably does not make you feel better but I hope you see my side and maybe it shows the other side.  The big complaint in the medical field from patients is that they feel clinicians are not caring enough.  I listen and see what it is like as a clinician.  Listen, nobody tells these people to go into the meidcal field…so if they don't like it…I say get out.!!!!  I myself love the medical field…the science and helping others.  I did not like seeing people die…and i saw many…it hurt but what I did was learn a way to accept death and still continue helping others and enjoy the medical field.  I hope this long message helps but I am trying to give you my scenario of what maybe your dads doctors see everyday and if they are like me..it does bother you watching patients die and you have to overcome it somehow.  Oncology has to be the hardest field to work.  I personally don't think I can go back to that field.  I guess I am not strong enough for it and I admit it.  Michelle, I hope it helps and If it does'nt…I can explain more and I am sure some others will chime in……….keep in touch.  my thoughts are with your family.

                         

                        Susan…sister of Peter…entered heaven 12/6/2012.

                        • April 3, 2013 at 12:14 pm
                        susanr
                        Participant

                          Hello Michelle,

                           

                          I wanted to say again how sorry I am about your Dad.  I know sorry is not enough to ease your sadness about your Dad.

                          I just went through this also with my brother, so I know what you are going through. I hope you and your family are trying to hold up as best as you can.  I posted to your notice about your Dad passing.  I will help to talk to others, vent, or cry.  What helped me was on this site and MIF…forums for family members.  Incredible people to talk to, and I have to say I think some of them suffered more than I and they show such great strength.

                          To answer your question.  I know what you mean…"what gives".  When my brother passed in 12/2012…his main onc. was very caring at the end.  He had a surgical oncologist..who he admired so much.  My brother really liked him.  The Surgical Onc. did not contact my family at all after he passed. The doctor knew how much my brother liked him and that he was really the only one my brother could open up to.  So we thought that it kind of was a blow off that he did not send a note or anything.  It really bothered my sister in law.  I always try to look at both sides first before making my decision.  Now, I am in the medical field.  I have been a Physician Assistant for 15 yrs.  I worked in Oncology for quite a few yrs when I was a Surgical PA.  I am telling you this from some of my own personal experiences and what I observed over the yrs.  There are some clinicians who can really come off uncaring, they look at the disease/body…and not the person.  Sometimes it is a defense mecahnism to not have that attachment to a person.  I know when I first started out and would see patients die it really upset me.  I like to be caring and go that extra mile for patients….sometimes I got kicked right in the butt and it really bothered me that I was so caring and patients or their families threw me under the bus for something the hospital did, a doctor did, a nurse did.  So as yrs went by….I became a lil more guarded but still always did the right thing.  I also tried to not get "too attached " emotionally to a patient.  When I saw people suffer and then watching them pass…it would ruin my day, week, etc. because I was emotionally attached.  It can also be hard on the doctors, nurse, etc.  When you see people die a lot…and unfortunately in oncology it happens a lot…you have to have some kind of barrier up to not make you go crazy or be depressed.  I do agree with you that doctors don't have to call….a note is just as good.  I did not stress to much about my brothers docs not contacting us after he died because his oncologist, she lost her husband to cancer…so I know she gets it.  I also look at it as " be my friend when I am alive not when I am gone"….meaning that they were very good to my brother when he was alive….thats what matters.  I know it probably does not make you feel better but I hope you see my side and maybe it shows the other side.  The big complaint in the medical field from patients is that they feel clinicians are not caring enough.  I listen and see what it is like as a clinician.  Listen, nobody tells these people to go into the meidcal field…so if they don't like it…I say get out.!!!!  I myself love the medical field…the science and helping others.  I did not like seeing people die…and i saw many…it hurt but what I did was learn a way to accept death and still continue helping others and enjoy the medical field.  I hope this long message helps but I am trying to give you my scenario of what maybe your dads doctors see everyday and if they are like me..it does bother you watching patients die and you have to overcome it somehow.  Oncology has to be the hardest field to work.  I personally don't think I can go back to that field.  I guess I am not strong enough for it and I admit it.  Michelle, I hope it helps and If it does'nt…I can explain more and I am sure some others will chime in……….keep in touch.  my thoughts are with your family.

                           

                          Susan…sister of Peter…entered heaven 12/6/2012.

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