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“Conversations with self”

Forums General Melanoma Community “Conversations with self”

  • Post
    mom3girlsFL
    Participant

    Quick history before I let you in my head:

    mel '92, .9mm shin

    7 yrs NED

    2010 inguinal node dissection 9 of 11 nodes positive

    start interferon

    sept 2010 obturator node mel, radical node dissection, 4 of 5 nodes positive

    stop interferon, "watch and wait" since nov 2010

    Self #1 "You didn't fail interferon, interferon failed you"

    Self #2 "You still failed"

    Self #1 "You had a clear scan in November"

    Self #2 "Yeah, how long will that last???"

    Quick history before I let you in my head:

    mel '92, .9mm shin

    7 yrs NED

    2010 inguinal node dissection 9 of 11 nodes positive

    start interferon

    sept 2010 obturator node mel, radical node dissection, 4 of 5 nodes positive

    stop interferon, "watch and wait" since nov 2010

    Self #1 "You didn't fail interferon, interferon failed you"

    Self #2 "You still failed"

    Self #1 "You had a clear scan in November"

    Self #2 "Yeah, how long will that last???"

    Self #1 "Get out of my head!!!!"

    Self #2 "You need me to keep you focused, keep on top of things"

    Self #1 "I don't want this anymore, I want my NED, stage 1, 99% cure rate back"

    Self #2 "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon…or am I?"

    Scene fades into the smurf song -la,la, la, la, la, la…

    Okay, so the smurf song – don't ask, I don't know why!  Anyway, another day, another mental challenge!

    Laurie

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  • Replies
      Suzan AB
      Participant

      Hi Laurie,

      Very good negative self-talk…I know that it helps to give a voice to the negatory/disappointed side of yourself.  It is good therapy to work through the disappointments of this "Beast".  Surr-Really, this is one F*n adventure we are on with twists and turns…some great, some not-so-great!  SO go ahead and have discussions with yourself!  I will listen/read and say, yep…we surely do go in and out of beastly muck! 

      Then I go and pour a nice hot bath with Rose oil and soak, then I pour in some more hot water and soak some more…while I sit there I see myself draining those negatory feelings into the water.  Then, while still sitting in the tub, I pull the drain and visualize all of the black gooey melanoma slug draining from me into the water and down the drain into my septic tank where it belongs.  After the water is drained and I am sitting there freezing and thinking…that girl is crazy (talking about myself in the second person hahaha)…I take a nice hot shower.

      Of course you can make up your own visualizations of draining the beast from your body.  It helps me when I am overwhelmed, being brave for others, or just fed up with the whole F*n thing.  So, Laurie, I love your honesty!  You Rock, Sista.

      Biggest of hugs to you…

      Suzan AB

      Stage IV, w/lung nodes…soon to be on Braf/Mek trial…maybe, hell I am not sure about anything either… 

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        mom3girlsFL
        Participant

        Hey Suzan,

        Thanks so much for your response!  It helps to know I'm not the only one playing mind games – well, at least not afraid to exploit it – ha! ha!  I loved your visualization in the tub, good thinking!  I am usually so "ready to go" and wear my warrior uniform with strength every day – guess I must've taken it off to wash it when I wrote that message, silly girl!

        Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts – you and your second self!

        (((Hugs right back at ya!)))

        Laurie

        Stage IIIC, "watch and wait"

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        mom3girlsFL
        Participant

        Hey Suzan,

        Thanks so much for your response!  It helps to know I'm not the only one playing mind games – well, at least not afraid to exploit it – ha! ha!  I loved your visualization in the tub, good thinking!  I am usually so "ready to go" and wear my warrior uniform with strength every day – guess I must've taken it off to wash it when I wrote that message, silly girl!

        Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts – you and your second self!

        (((Hugs right back at ya!)))

        Laurie

        Stage IIIC, "watch and wait"

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      Suzan AB
      Participant

      Hi Laurie,

      Very good negative self-talk…I know that it helps to give a voice to the negatory/disappointed side of yourself.  It is good therapy to work through the disappointments of this "Beast".  Surr-Really, this is one F*n adventure we are on with twists and turns…some great, some not-so-great!  SO go ahead and have discussions with yourself!  I will listen/read and say, yep…we surely do go in and out of beastly muck! 

      Then I go and pour a nice hot bath with Rose oil and soak, then I pour in some more hot water and soak some more…while I sit there I see myself draining those negatory feelings into the water.  Then, while still sitting in the tub, I pull the drain and visualize all of the black gooey melanoma slug draining from me into the water and down the drain into my septic tank where it belongs.  After the water is drained and I am sitting there freezing and thinking…that girl is crazy (talking about myself in the second person hahaha)…I take a nice hot shower.

      Of course you can make up your own visualizations of draining the beast from your body.  It helps me when I am overwhelmed, being brave for others, or just fed up with the whole F*n thing.  So, Laurie, I love your honesty!  You Rock, Sista.

      Biggest of hugs to you…

      Suzan AB

      Stage IV, w/lung nodes…soon to be on Braf/Mek trial…maybe, hell I am not sure about anything either… 

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