Girl52

Linny: Thanks so much for checking in. I haven't been on the board in a few days because, as you point out, there's nothing else I can do for BIL now. Am hoping he'll be good about the regular skin checks, although his history wouldn't suggest this LOL. I'm trying to laugh, including at myself for assuming that any other reasonable human being would see the situation as I do.

Am grateful to you and others here for sharing knowledge and caring. What a great place to be able to return to if needed. I wish you the best in all aspects of your journey.

Linny: Thanks so much for checking in. I haven't been on the board in a few days because, as you point out, there's nothing else I can do for BIL now. Am hoping he'll be good about the regular skin checks, although his history wouldn't suggest this LOL. I'm trying to laugh, including at myself for assuming that any other reasonable human being would see the situation as I do.

Am grateful to you and others here for sharing knowledge and caring. What a great place to be able to return to if needed. I wish you the best in all aspects of your journey.

Linny: Thanks so much for checking in. I haven't been on the board in a few days because, as you point out, there's nothing else I can do for BIL now. Am hoping he'll be good about the regular skin checks, although his history wouldn't suggest this LOL. I'm trying to laugh, including at myself for assuming that any other reasonable human being would see the situation as I do.

Am grateful to you and others here for sharing knowledge and caring. What a great place to be able to return to if needed. I wish you the best in all aspects of your journey.

Elaine: You hit the nail on the head. When I've tried, gently, to suggest to her that some thinking/planning ahead in light of her husband's behavior (since they basically live on his income) would be good idea, she has said that she can't let herself think too much about future because it's upsetting…that she wants to trust that things will work out. I understand and admire this, but it's concerning on a practical level. 

While she's dealing pretty well emotionally with letting go of control of his lack of self-care, it's these practical aspects that worry me most. I and other family members have been there in past, in other intense situations, and I dread a repeat. While my sister, who I adore, says she is ready for anything, I'm not sure she realizes what this might mean.

My info seeking on this forum is my own all-out effort to help avert another crisis than requires extensive family support. I am starting to see this isn't in my power. I guess all I can do is make my own decision about what I'm willing to do if a serious recurrence — and all its implications — happens.       

Thanks again for suggestion about shift in focus…That's exactly what's called for. How easy it is to lose perspective in a firestorm of anxiety about the latest in a long string of poor decisions and resulting troubles, by a loved one. Again, hope something about this thread helps another member in a similar situation.    

Elaine: You hit the nail on the head. When I've tried, gently, to suggest to her that some thinking/planning ahead in light of her husband's behavior (since they basically live on his income) would be good idea, she has said that she can't let herself think too much about future because it's upsetting…that she wants to trust that things will work out. I understand and admire this, but it's concerning on a practical level. 

While she's dealing pretty well emotionally with letting go of control of his lack of self-care, it's these practical aspects that worry me most. I and other family members have been there in past, in other intense situations, and I dread a repeat. While my sister, who I adore, says she is ready for anything, I'm not sure she realizes what this might mean.

My info seeking on this forum is my own all-out effort to help avert another crisis than requires extensive family support. I am starting to see this isn't in my power. I guess all I can do is make my own decision about what I'm willing to do if a serious recurrence — and all its implications — happens.       

Thanks again for suggestion about shift in focus…That's exactly what's called for. How easy it is to lose perspective in a firestorm of anxiety about the latest in a long string of poor decisions and resulting troubles, by a loved one. Again, hope something about this thread helps another member in a similar situation.    

Elaine: You hit the nail on the head. When I've tried, gently, to suggest to her that some thinking/planning ahead in light of her husband's behavior (since they basically live on his income) would be good idea, she has said that she can't let herself think too much about future because it's upsetting…that she wants to trust that things will work out. I understand and admire this, but it's concerning on a practical level. 

While she's dealing pretty well emotionally with letting go of control of his lack of self-care, it's these practical aspects that worry me most. I and other family members have been there in past, in other intense situations, and I dread a repeat. While my sister, who I adore, says she is ready for anything, I'm not sure she realizes what this might mean.

My info seeking on this forum is my own all-out effort to help avert another crisis than requires extensive family support. I am starting to see this isn't in my power. I guess all I can do is make my own decision about what I'm willing to do if a serious recurrence — and all its implications — happens.       

Thanks again for suggestion about shift in focus…That's exactly what's called for. How easy it is to lose perspective in a firestorm of anxiety about the latest in a long string of poor decisions and resulting troubles, by a loved one. Again, hope something about this thread helps another member in a similar situation.    

Elaine: I didn't mean to be curt earlier….was running to work. Thanks again for your thoughtful and kind reply. Am sorry to hear about your friend's husband.

I probably sound defensive, because that's how I feel. As may have been guessed from this entire thread, I am seeking information and feeling lots of painful things in the context of an overall relationship with a difficult person. My BIL's decision-making has been self-destructive, hurtful, and costly to family over decades. My sister often turns to me for help, then re-resolves to let it be. Periodically, I worry about her emotional and financial wellbeing as she copes with consequences of her husband's denial and avoidance. Of course, I realize it's not my responsibility, and that it's our loved one's prerogative to do as he chooses.

Was reading a site last night about handling a cancer diagnosis…material had helpful counsel for the patient about willingness to be open with loved ones, and asking for help and support. It also mentioned others' respecting the patient's wishes. This can be a delicate balance, when in family relationships our self-care choices can affect others so profoundly.

Now, I need to work on taking good care of myself so I can be of support in case it's needed. Thanks a lot.  

Elaine: I didn't mean to be curt earlier….was running to work. Thanks again for your thoughtful and kind reply. Am sorry to hear about your friend's husband.

I probably sound defensive, because that's how I feel. As may have been guessed from this entire thread, I am seeking information and feeling lots of painful things in the context of an overall relationship with a difficult person. My BIL's decision-making has been self-destructive, hurtful, and costly to family over decades. My sister often turns to me for help, then re-resolves to let it be. Periodically, I worry about her emotional and financial wellbeing as she copes with consequences of her husband's denial and avoidance. Of course, I realize it's not my responsibility, and that it's our loved one's prerogative to do as he chooses.

Was reading a site last night about handling a cancer diagnosis…material had helpful counsel for the patient about willingness to be open with loved ones, and asking for help and support. It also mentioned others' respecting the patient's wishes. This can be a delicate balance, when in family relationships our self-care choices can affect others so profoundly.

Now, I need to work on taking good care of myself so I can be of support in case it's needed. Thanks a lot.  

Elaine: I didn't mean to be curt earlier….was running to work. Thanks again for your thoughtful and kind reply. Am sorry to hear about your friend's husband.

I probably sound defensive, because that's how I feel. As may have been guessed from this entire thread, I am seeking information and feeling lots of painful things in the context of an overall relationship with a difficult person. My BIL's decision-making has been self-destructive, hurtful, and costly to family over decades. My sister often turns to me for help, then re-resolves to let it be. Periodically, I worry about her emotional and financial wellbeing as she copes with consequences of her husband's denial and avoidance. Of course, I realize it's not my responsibility, and that it's our loved one's prerogative to do as he chooses.

Was reading a site last night about handling a cancer diagnosis…material had helpful counsel for the patient about willingness to be open with loved ones, and asking for help and support. It also mentioned others' respecting the patient's wishes. This can be a delicate balance, when in family relationships our self-care choices can affect others so profoundly.

Now, I need to work on taking good care of myself so I can be of support in case it's needed. Thanks a lot.  

Elaine: Thanks for your thoughtful reply; I haven't been sharing my deep concerns with BIL….only here, precisely because I don't want him to feel bullied and harassed. I have said here repeatedly that I feel so very stressed about this because I watched my own husband die. Yes, I am a fixer by nature. But I am not imposing this on BIL. I am well aware that we are each on our own….at times this is for the good, and at times it is for the sad. I am working on it accepting that reality in this case as I gather info for my personal insight. Thanks again for your reply.   

Elaine: Thanks for your thoughtful reply; I haven't been sharing my deep concerns with BIL….only here, precisely because I don't want him to feel bullied and harassed. I have said here repeatedly that I feel so very stressed about this because I watched my own husband die. Yes, I am a fixer by nature. But I am not imposing this on BIL. I am well aware that we are each on our own….at times this is for the good, and at times it is for the sad. I am working on it accepting that reality in this case as I gather info for my personal insight. Thanks again for your reply.   

Elaine: Thanks for your thoughtful reply; I haven't been sharing my deep concerns with BIL….only here, precisely because I don't want him to feel bullied and harassed. I have said here repeatedly that I feel so very stressed about this because I watched my own husband die. Yes, I am a fixer by nature. But I am not imposing this on BIL. I am well aware that we are each on our own….at times this is for the good, and at times it is for the sad. I am working on it accepting that reality in this case as I gather info for my personal insight. Thanks again for your reply.