Decisions about a baby

Having cancer doesn't insure an early demise nor does being healthy predict a long life.  Don't make a decision based on what  *could happen*.  Are you parents willing and able to step in and help?  Can they do it a lot?  How is Derek feeling physically right now?  His feelings are important, but how do you feel?   This is a tough one Terra – good luck and keep us posted.     

Fen

Having cancer doesn't insure an early demise nor does being healthy predict a long life.  Don't make a decision based on what  *could happen*.  Are you parents willing and able to step in and help?  Can they do it a lot?  How is Derek feeling physically right now?  His feelings are important, but how do you feel?   This is a tough one Terra – good luck and keep us posted.     

Fen

This is just my opinion.  There are really no safe choices in this world.  There is dangerous action and dangerous inaction.    This is one of those times when no amount of analysis will give you a satisfactory answer.  I think – in all honesty – you should go with whatever you feel in your heart is best for you, but realize you will have doubts and uncertainties whatever choice you make.  It's just unavoidable. 

It's kind of like choosing a treatment that turns out not to help; you can second guess it forever but when you made the decision, you weren't trying to screw things up – you were trying to make an impossible decision without the necessary information to do it flawlessly.   That's the nature of treating advanced cancer.  And with a choice like you are facing, it's the same thing. 

Very best to you whatever you decide, and healing energy to your husband.

This is just my opinion.  There are really no safe choices in this world.  There is dangerous action and dangerous inaction.    This is one of those times when no amount of analysis will give you a satisfactory answer.  I think – in all honesty – you should go with whatever you feel in your heart is best for you, but realize you will have doubts and uncertainties whatever choice you make.  It's just unavoidable. 

It's kind of like choosing a treatment that turns out not to help; you can second guess it forever but when you made the decision, you weren't trying to screw things up – you were trying to make an impossible decision without the necessary information to do it flawlessly.   That's the nature of treating advanced cancer.  And with a choice like you are facing, it's the same thing. 

Very best to you whatever you decide, and healing energy to your husband.

With all the odds against you for getting pregnant there must be a reason that you did. I wouldn't discount that at all. This baby was placed in your lives for a reason. No one knows what the future will bring for anyone. Besides could you live with yourself if you decided not to have the baby? It may seem like the right thing for you to do now but in the long run it could be a nightmare you may never be able to forget. Good luck to you and may Derek feel better and better every day.

With all the odds against you for getting pregnant there must be a reason that you did. I wouldn't discount that at all. This baby was placed in your lives for a reason. No one knows what the future will bring for anyone. Besides could you live with yourself if you decided not to have the baby? It may seem like the right thing for you to do now but in the long run it could be a nightmare you may never be able to forget. Good luck to you and may Derek feel better and better every day.

What a big decision to make, one that only you and your husband can ultimately make.  I completely understand why you have to take the cancer thing into consideration. When I was diagnosed over 5 years ago, I was hesitant to commit to anything long term. And sometimes struggled greatly committing to short term things. Your husband having stage IV cancer certainly gives you every right to have many concerns. Someone else said you must be pregnant for a reason. I agree with that, but certainly don't fault you for any decision you make. I myself had an early diagnosis and my Dr. says I only have a 1%-2% chance of recurrence at this point. I have every doctor's blessing to have a baby. Problem is, I can't. I'm 39 and have fertility issues. So now that I'm over the hump of having cancer, I still can't get pregnant. We have been looking into adoption. Contrary to what many people think, there are not an abundance of children to adopt. I do think things happen for a reason and maybe I don't have kids of my own because God intended for me to help raise my sister's 3 kids because she was not able to. So from my standpoint, I would do anything to have a child and cancer is not going to stop me. Paying for it is our biggest challenge right now.  But I understand your husband is stage IV and that does change your life and your decisions. I see both sides and could argue both all day. Cancer, unfortunately, does have to play a role in some decisions. On the other hand, God has allowed you to become pregnant for one reason or another. I'll be sending prayers and good vibes that you find peace with your decision. If you decide to have the baby, you and your families will make it work. People find a way to be resilient in the worst of situations. And a child would be another joy in your life.  If you decide to give it up for adoption, I speak from experience that an adopted child could be loved just like a biological. I sometimes can't imagine loving any child more than my sister's kids. They're like my own. And if you choose to terminate (not sure if that's a consideration for you), then I pray you feel good about your decision. There is no right or wrong decision and none of us can make that decision for you. But we will be here to support your decision. And I officially give you permission to say you hate cancer for doing this to you. We all do.

What a big decision to make, one that only you and your husband can ultimately make.  I completely understand why you have to take the cancer thing into consideration. When I was diagnosed over 5 years ago, I was hesitant to commit to anything long term. And sometimes struggled greatly committing to short term things. Your husband having stage IV cancer certainly gives you every right to have many concerns. Someone else said you must be pregnant for a reason. I agree with that, but certainly don't fault you for any decision you make. I myself had an early diagnosis and my Dr. says I only have a 1%-2% chance of recurrence at this point. I have every doctor's blessing to have a baby. Problem is, I can't. I'm 39 and have fertility issues. So now that I'm over the hump of having cancer, I still can't get pregnant. We have been looking into adoption. Contrary to what many people think, there are not an abundance of children to adopt. I do think things happen for a reason and maybe I don't have kids of my own because God intended for me to help raise my sister's 3 kids because she was not able to. So from my standpoint, I would do anything to have a child and cancer is not going to stop me. Paying for it is our biggest challenge right now.  But I understand your husband is stage IV and that does change your life and your decisions. I see both sides and could argue both all day. Cancer, unfortunately, does have to play a role in some decisions. On the other hand, God has allowed you to become pregnant for one reason or another. I'll be sending prayers and good vibes that you find peace with your decision. If you decide to have the baby, you and your families will make it work. People find a way to be resilient in the worst of situations. And a child would be another joy in your life.  If you decide to give it up for adoption, I speak from experience that an adopted child could be loved just like a biological. I sometimes can't imagine loving any child more than my sister's kids. They're like my own. And if you choose to terminate (not sure if that's a consideration for you), then I pray you feel good about your decision. There is no right or wrong decision and none of us can make that decision for you. But we will be here to support your decision. And I officially give you permission to say you hate cancer for doing this to you. We all do.

I'm not in your position, so it's impossible for me to give completely empathetic or relevant advice, but in reading your post, I assume you are making the choice between continuing or terminating the pregnancy, and if that's the case, the first thing that I thought was "I wonder how she'll feel if she loses them both?"  If you terminate the pregnancy, you aren't guarenteed your husband will live, and if you continue the pregnancy, you aren't guarenteed your husband's life will be shortened.  To be even more morbid, I have to add that through my horrid pregnancy experiences, I've learned you aren't guarenteed that your baby will outlive yourself or your husband… Another thing I sense is that you are beating yourself up a bit for becoming pregnant, and you're also assuming future blame/responsibility/control for your husband's outcome, when it's, unfortunately, somewhat out of your control. 

Best to your in your decision.

I'm not in your position, so it's impossible for me to give completely empathetic or relevant advice, but in reading your post, I assume you are making the choice between continuing or terminating the pregnancy, and if that's the case, the first thing that I thought was "I wonder how she'll feel if she loses them both?"  If you terminate the pregnancy, you aren't guarenteed your husband will live, and if you continue the pregnancy, you aren't guarenteed your husband's life will be shortened.  To be even more morbid, I have to add that through my horrid pregnancy experiences, I've learned you aren't guarenteed that your baby will outlive yourself or your husband… Another thing I sense is that you are beating yourself up a bit for becoming pregnant, and you're also assuming future blame/responsibility/control for your husband's outcome, when it's, unfortunately, somewhat out of your control. 

Best to your in your decision.

I know that each person is different…I am so sorry to hear about having to make this choice.  If it was me…..I would hold onto every part of my husband and what we had together that I could.  This baby is a part of him.  If you husband doesn't live as long as you would hope imagine looking into his eyes 5 years from now.  Or maybe the baby will have his nose.  Any part of him.  Children are blessings.  Life is hard, really hard.  We all deserve a chance at it. 

I know that each person is different…I am so sorry to hear about having to make this choice.  If it was me…..I would hold onto every part of my husband and what we had together that I could.  This baby is a part of him.  If you husband doesn't live as long as you would hope imagine looking into his eyes 5 years from now.  Or maybe the baby will have his nose.  Any part of him.  Children are blessings.  Life is hard, really hard.  We all deserve a chance at it. 

If your husband was not afflicted with cancer, would you be having this conversation? I am a father of three wonderful children, the youngest being 25. My children have been the center of my wives’ and my lives. They have brought us both tremendous joy as children and now as adults and as our best friends. They have enriched our lives in ways that nothing else could.

When our youngest son, Danny, was born, he had a rare disease that ultimately led to 11 years of hospitalizations, numerous surgeries, and at age 11, end stage liver failure. Within days of death, he received the gift of life through a small bowl and liver transplant. During those 11 years, I offered God my life in exchange for my son’s life on several occasions because I could not stand the thought of losing him. God was merciful and brought my son through many brushes with death and helped my wife and I always be there for him and for each other. This June, he will earn his Bachelor of Arts Degree and we are so proud and blessed that he was brought into our lives.

There is nothing in life that has been more valuable to me and to my wife than our children and grandchildren. They have been the gift that just keeps on giving and hopefully will be there to love us as we have loved them, in our last days.

Cancer is a very difficult part of all our lives. I hope that as I go through my journey, I never lose sight of the importance of my children and my willingness to do anything for them. Life is so much more than my cancer. I hope that my story helps bring some clarity into yours.

John

If your husband was not afflicted with cancer, would you be having this conversation? I am a father of three wonderful children, the youngest being 25. My children have been the center of my wives’ and my lives. They have brought us both tremendous joy as children and now as adults and as our best friends. They have enriched our lives in ways that nothing else could.

When our youngest son, Danny, was born, he had a rare disease that ultimately led to 11 years of hospitalizations, numerous surgeries, and at age 11, end stage liver failure. Within days of death, he received the gift of life through a small bowl and liver transplant. During those 11 years, I offered God my life in exchange for my son’s life on several occasions because I could not stand the thought of losing him. God was merciful and brought my son through many brushes with death and helped my wife and I always be there for him and for each other. This June, he will earn his Bachelor of Arts Degree and we are so proud and blessed that he was brought into our lives.

There is nothing in life that has been more valuable to me and to my wife than our children and grandchildren. They have been the gift that just keeps on giving and hopefully will be there to love us as we have loved them, in our last days.

Cancer is a very difficult part of all our lives. I hope that as I go through my journey, I never lose sight of the importance of my children and my willingness to do anything for them. Life is so much more than my cancer. I hope that my story helps bring some clarity into yours.

John

The simple fact of life is, none of us know what's going to happen at any given time. I can understand many of the feelings that are coursing through both of you, but all I can really say is this: I wasn't expected to reach my first Christmas after diagnosis, and I'm now about to hit my third. Hindsight may be 20/20, but the rest of us mere mortals just muddle through as best we can with the information we have to hand, and hope we don't stuff up too badly (well, maybe not everyone else, but certainly that's how I feel :D)

When cancer takes away our choices, I think that's when it wins. If it stops us from doing something we want to do, then it sidles back to the front of our consciousness, and takes control. I'm sure he DOES find the thought of it difficult, and I'm sure part of you probably does too. But the two of you need to really talk about it and hash it out. There is no easy decision, and only the most callous would ever judge you (and those judgements aren't worth even wasting a second on).

We don't know what exactly is around the corner. we can hazard guesses, but as many have found to be true, there are no absolutes and no certainty. Thinking of you both xxx

The simple fact of life is, none of us know what's going to happen at any given time. I can understand many of the feelings that are coursing through both of you, but all I can really say is this: I wasn't expected to reach my first Christmas after diagnosis, and I'm now about to hit my third. Hindsight may be 20/20, but the rest of us mere mortals just muddle through as best we can with the information we have to hand, and hope we don't stuff up too badly (well, maybe not everyone else, but certainly that's how I feel :D)

When cancer takes away our choices, I think that's when it wins. If it stops us from doing something we want to do, then it sidles back to the front of our consciousness, and takes control. I'm sure he DOES find the thought of it difficult, and I'm sure part of you probably does too. But the two of you need to really talk about it and hash it out. There is no easy decision, and only the most callous would ever judge you (and those judgements aren't worth even wasting a second on).

We don't know what exactly is around the corner. we can hazard guesses, but as many have found to be true, there are no absolutes and no certainty. Thinking of you both xxx

For me, a baby is a gift from God…It's a part of you and your husband.  I think God will find a way for you to take care and provide for another child.  He nevers gives you more than you can handle.  Think carefully about your decision.  Best  Wishes on your decision!  And be at peace with it.

For me, a baby is a gift from God…It's a part of you and your husband.  I think God will find a way for you to take care and provide for another child.  He nevers gives you more than you can handle.  Think carefully about your decision.  Best  Wishes on your decision!  And be at peace with it.