X husband just told me he has recurrant melanoma.
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X husband just told me he has recurrant melanoma.

› Forums › Cutaneous Melanoma Community › X husband just told me he has recurrant melanoma.

  • Post
    • November 6, 2012 at 4:49 pm
    kenpochick
    Participant

    Hi.

     

    New here.  My X husband just told me he has recurrant melanoma.  I had pointed out the lesion on his face probably a year ago and bugged him to get it looked at.  He had it removed and said they got it all. 

    He had surgery again later because, he said, there was a hair follicle that was causing it to seep and they needed to go back in and remove it.  Turns out he was lying.  He does that a lot — thus why I'm researching.

    Hi.

     

    New here.  My X husband just told me he has recurrant melanoma.  I had pointed out the lesion on his face probably a year ago and bugged him to get it looked at.  He had it removed and said they got it all. 

    He had surgery again later because, he said, there was a hair follicle that was causing it to seep and they needed to go back in and remove it.  Turns out he was lying.  He does that a lot — thus why I'm researching.

    Turns out it had come back.  If I have all the information, which I likely don't, then he has had a third surgery to remove a lesion on his back two weeks ago.  The doctors have removed some lymph nodes (no idea size or if swollen).  Doctors wanted to remove a cluster, but he said no because he didn't want lymphedema.  (I have lymphedema post-Hodgkins) 

    He has tried interferon, but it hasn't worked.

    He says his white blood cell count is way down and his liver functioning and kidney function is out of scale as well.

    He is an alcoholic and has been for about 7 yrs.  He's white, has the skin tone of a redhead, got burned a lot because he refused to wear sunscreen, is overweight, and eats badly.

    He said he was given 6-12 months as a prognosis.

    His health insurance lapses in a month because he lost his job, in part from taking time off for treatment and feeling bad.

    He said sometimes he's in pain (from the cancer moving through his lymph system, I'm guessing) and other times is fine.

    His father died from melanoma that had metastisized into his kidneys.

    This is the info I have.  I'm stressed about the whole thing.  So is he, of course.

    If the interferon doesn't work for him, is there anything that might?  Mind you, he is largely unwilling to change his diet or his mindset. Or stop his drinking, since he hasn't so far.

    Does the fact it moved to his back mean that it's now moving through his system?  I don't know if it has affected his organs or not.

    I gotta know what to tell the kids and when would be the best time.  He's hugely depressed, of course.

    Thanks for any assistance you can give.

Viewing 11 reply threads
  • Replies
      • November 6, 2012 at 8:26 pm
      Phil S
      Participant
      Hard to know where to begin with your situation. First of all, alcohol is an immune suppressant, so not a good thing to be abusing while fighting melanoma. Second of all, you need to know his scan results, because without that information you don’t know the real source of his low white blood cell count, and his poor liver and kidney functions. How long ago was the interferon use??, that can definitely affect his counts, etc. You need to determine where his cancer is and the source of his pain. Then, come up with treatment plan, Zelboraf if he has Braf mutation, Yervoy, clinical trials, chemos, or surgery, if an option! I completely understand that you want to prepare your children, but it’s always best to get all the facts first, it sounds like you are in a tough position. I truly wish you all the best, Valerie (Phil’s wife)
        • November 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  I'll try to get the information out of him, but he's kind of a drama-addict.  When I ask specific questions, I get a lot of distraction about how his life is terrible, etc. etc.

        I don't know how long ago any of this has happened.  He tends to lie, so I just don't know.  I'll see what I can get out of him.  He has had surgery 3x and a fourth to remove lymph nodes.  And he won't stop drinking.  That much, I know.  If cancer won't get him to stop, then nothing will. 

        I thought the point of the interferon was to raise his counts. No?  I don't know that much yet.  When I had Hodgkins, the pain came from the cancer moving through the lymph nodes. 

        Thank you.

        • November 6, 2012 at 10:39 pm
        Janner
        Participant

        Interferon, for melanoma, is an adjuvant therapy given to people who are stage III (lymph node involvement) but no other evidence of disease.  It is meant to stimulate or boost the immune system so your body can hopefully fight the melanoma itself.  It doesn't have great success numbers and is quite toxic in the doses given for melanoma.  It can easily alter normal blood counts and blood draws are a normal part of the treatment to make sure that everything is within norms.

        So the question at this time is whether he is stage III (lymph node involvement) or stage IV which would mean metastasis to organs or distant (beyond the first lymph basin) lymph nodes/skin. 

        If he currently has disease, there are several treatments available, i.e. Yervoy (Ipilimumab), IL-2, biochemo and Zelboraf (if he has the correct BRAF genetic mutation).  In addition, there are also clinical trials out there.  Searching this site for all the treatment names will give you lots of information.  Stage IV is serious and he should be seeing a melanoma specialist  / major cancer center if at all possible.  If he's at a small institution, his treatment options will be quite limited.  Being an alcoholic may limit his ability to do clinical trials as they tend to be quite controlling in what conditions they accept or not.  But there are treatments available if he seeks them out.

        Other than this general info, it is hard to be much more specific unless we know more. 

        Best wishes,

        Janner

        • November 6, 2012 at 10:39 pm
        Janner
        Participant

        Interferon, for melanoma, is an adjuvant therapy given to people who are stage III (lymph node involvement) but no other evidence of disease.  It is meant to stimulate or boost the immune system so your body can hopefully fight the melanoma itself.  It doesn't have great success numbers and is quite toxic in the doses given for melanoma.  It can easily alter normal blood counts and blood draws are a normal part of the treatment to make sure that everything is within norms.

        So the question at this time is whether he is stage III (lymph node involvement) or stage IV which would mean metastasis to organs or distant (beyond the first lymph basin) lymph nodes/skin. 

        If he currently has disease, there are several treatments available, i.e. Yervoy (Ipilimumab), IL-2, biochemo and Zelboraf (if he has the correct BRAF genetic mutation).  In addition, there are also clinical trials out there.  Searching this site for all the treatment names will give you lots of information.  Stage IV is serious and he should be seeing a melanoma specialist  / major cancer center if at all possible.  If he's at a small institution, his treatment options will be quite limited.  Being an alcoholic may limit his ability to do clinical trials as they tend to be quite controlling in what conditions they accept or not.  But there are treatments available if he seeks them out.

        Other than this general info, it is hard to be much more specific unless we know more. 

        Best wishes,

        Janner

        • November 6, 2012 at 10:39 pm
        Janner
        Participant

        Interferon, for melanoma, is an adjuvant therapy given to people who are stage III (lymph node involvement) but no other evidence of disease.  It is meant to stimulate or boost the immune system so your body can hopefully fight the melanoma itself.  It doesn't have great success numbers and is quite toxic in the doses given for melanoma.  It can easily alter normal blood counts and blood draws are a normal part of the treatment to make sure that everything is within norms.

        So the question at this time is whether he is stage III (lymph node involvement) or stage IV which would mean metastasis to organs or distant (beyond the first lymph basin) lymph nodes/skin. 

        If he currently has disease, there are several treatments available, i.e. Yervoy (Ipilimumab), IL-2, biochemo and Zelboraf (if he has the correct BRAF genetic mutation).  In addition, there are also clinical trials out there.  Searching this site for all the treatment names will give you lots of information.  Stage IV is serious and he should be seeing a melanoma specialist  / major cancer center if at all possible.  If he's at a small institution, his treatment options will be quite limited.  Being an alcoholic may limit his ability to do clinical trials as they tend to be quite controlling in what conditions they accept or not.  But there are treatments available if he seeks them out.

        Other than this general info, it is hard to be much more specific unless we know more. 

        Best wishes,

        Janner

        • November 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm
        DeniseK
        Participant

        So sorry to hear this.  I can only tell you what I've been going through with my recurrence and my experience with Interferon.  From what I understand Interferon is supposed to boost your immune system.  I went through only a couple weeks and had to stop due to white blood counts really low.  Really horrible stuff and makes you feel horrible. But I think it's usually given to stage 2 or 3 and not to stage 4.  I'm not completely sure about this but if he's on Interferon he may only be stage 3.  When I say only stage 3 I mean that it's not stage 4 and he shouldn't have been given a time frame for survival. I was just diagnosed stage 4 with a recurrence and no one has given me any type of time frame.  Doctors aren't always right anyway.  The first doctor I saw for my melanoma gave me an antibiotic and said it was an infection.   

         I've been kind of going through a depression as well the last couple of days with the news.  For alcoholics it might be easier to deal with by not dealing with it.  I know that people have recurred and have gone on to live for years but they didn't give up!  If you cruise around this site you will get a ton a knowledge and if I've learned anything in my journey knowledge is power!! 

        • November 7, 2012 at 12:47 am
        POW
        Participant

        My brother was diagnosed with Stage IV malignant melanoma in June. As his caregiver, the biggest lesson I've had to learn is that I can't control everything. Actually, I can't control anything! Melanoma, of course, does it's own thing and I can't control that. But also, I can't always get him the treatment I think he should have or get things done as quickly as I think they ought to be done. I can't control the medical bureaurocracy or the insurance companies. I can't even control my brother and get him to do things my way, even when I think a certain course of action would be best for him. I can offer him my advice, but the final decisions are always up to him. I have had to learn to back off and just let things be.

        It sounds to me as though you are twisting yourself into a knot trying to help your ex. However, your ex is refusing to be controlled. He continues to drink. His nutrition is probably poor. He withholds information from you and/or lies about his condition. He wants your attention and your sympathy, but he retains the right to do things his way and on his terms. You would be wise to try to extricate yourself emotionally from his drama. You can be kind and compassionate without doing all this research, or trying to get his pathology reports, or worrying about his liver enzymes. Let him and his doctors handle all that stuff.

        When you visit him (if you do) be cheerful. Talk about the kids or your job or a good movie you saw. Talk about things he might do with the kids when he's feeling better. Bring him a Get Well card. But deflect conversation away from the particulars of his case.  He's not going to let you in. He's not going to cede control to you. So don't allow yourself to get sucked in to the emotional turmoil. I know how difficult that can be and that you might feel guilty that you're not doing "as much as you can". But doing as much as you can is a fantasy– you don't have the control here. Just like I don't have control over my brother's situation.  If you are able to be kind, compassionate, and optimistic without all the emotional storms, that will be an excellent model for you to share with your children. Developing those skills themselves will help them a lot to deal with their father's illness.

        • November 7, 2012 at 1:12 am
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  I appreciate your insights.  I'm really not trying to control his treatment or what he does.  Basically, I need to know how soon he is likely to die.  I know him really well and I know how he is.  He does just want sympathy and he wants to be seen as noble and such.  He wants to be sure I tell the kids that he didn't give up, but he isn't doing much to help his situation.  I am pretty well resigned to the idea that this is going to kill him.  He is too.  It's his mindset.  He has no intention of changing it and I'm more than done trying to get him to change anything ever.  I was married to him for 12 years and the only thing he ever changed was he now says 'hello' when he answers the phone, instead of 'what?'  That's just about it. 

        So, since we have kids together, I need to get a timeframe on how likely this is to kill him within six months or a year.  I don't want to prepare the kids too soon, but I want to be sure they get to see him when he still has some good days.  I don't mean to sound cold about it, but I really am not trying to fix his problem. He tends to exaggerate and I don't want to get the kids worked up over another melodramatic incident.  He's had many of them that have all been hogwash, so I'm trying to get some facts to work with.

        I went through cancer myself and I know that a person has to be in the right frame of mind to be healed and has to be willing to do what needs to be done.  He isn't and he's very open about that.

        So, if he gets additional lesions that are not removed (he likely won't bother at this point, since he has given up), will that speed up his demise or does it not matter?  He had one removed two weeks ago and my guess is that he won't bother with anymore scans, since his insurance will lapse in about 3 weeks.  I'm just trying to learn what to expect. 

        I also wanted to find out if he's being truthful about his diagnosis or being dramatic to get sympathy.

        Oh, and I've tried talking about other things, like the kids and how they're doing, but I can't even get through one sentence without it turning back around and being about him.  If he starts to find himself getting cheered, he immediately ramps up the drama with heaving sobs. 

        • November 7, 2012 at 2:22 am
        DebbieH
        Participant

        Wow.  I read and reread your posts and still can't believe it.  This guy is in bad shape and your overriding question is WHEN WILL HE DIE – you NEED to know when he will die and you are asking a room full of melanoma patients to guess the number of months.  Yeah, his prognosis given what you say are his circumstances is bad.  A lot of people like him would like sympathy and would get it.  How old are these kids who need to know ahead of time what kind of time their father has.  Evidently they aren't your kids or you wouldn't have to be asking him how they're doing, you would know.

        I'm tired tonight and reading this just makes me sad for this man – whatever he did.  You say you don't mean to sound cold but go back and read these two posts and you'll see you sound much worse than cold.  I have to say this is a very nice room of people in that the others haven't told you WE are mostly all melanoma patients and identify with other melanoma patients and we would be horrified if anyone in our life felt as you do.   

        • November 7, 2012 at 3:40 am
        POW
        Participant

        Hey, Anon, I think you're being a little too harsh. I suspect that the first question everyone who is diagnosed with a late-stage cancer asks is, "How long have I got?" Those of us here who have MM or who care for loved ones with MM have learned that there is really no accurate answer to that question. But it's still a natural and important question to ask. There are many, many issues– medical, legal, financial, and emotional– that become more or less important/urgent if the prognosis is 3-6 weeks versus 12+ months. I don't think the OP is cold; I think she's just trying to understand the situation so she can get her head around it. Go easy…

        • November 7, 2012 at 5:36 am
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  No, I'm not trying to be harsh.  The post above the one I responded to said that I was getting too wrapped up in trying to help him and control him. I'm not.  This is a group of people who are fighting for their lives and have a reason to live.  I have been there myself.  I had Hodgkins Lymphoma 18+ years ago and I was the sickest person Stanford had ever had with it and they specialize in it.  I was walking death.  However, I did everything I could to fight my way back to health.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I won.

        If my X was the least bit interested in living and trying to survive, I'd support him.  You don't know him.  He gave up on life long before the diagnosis and has not only been totally miserable for the last 7 years, but has made mine and our children's lives miserable as well.

        I was asking because he lies a lot.  He has lied about heart attacks, strokes and many other ailments over the last 5 years.  All lies.  He lied about the cancer being gone and he has lied about so many things that I'm trying to get my facts straight. 

        He just lost his job because of his alcoholism and missed work.  He has no insurance as of the end of this month.  He continues to drink and has no interest in getting better.  He has life insurance that has an expiration date (which he also lied about) and he wants to take care of his kids, but he certainly doesn't want to go any sooner than necessary.  It's difficult and complicated.  I don't want to alarm the kids that their dad may not be around if he's over-stating it. 

        For those of you fighting cancer, I have total confidence that you can beat anything you set your mind to. I don't know much about melanoma.  Other kinds of cancer, I can suggest a ton of alternative additional treatments, but for this one, I don't know.  I assume that those of you here are taking or helping with someone who is taking treatments, probably doing meditation, affirmations, herbal supplements, body cleanses, etc.  He's not.  That's why I'm asking.  You all have a wonderful shot at kicking this cancer's butt.  He doesn't.  He has said he has no interest in living and there's nothing I can do about that.

        And yes, there are legal, financial and emotional considerations.  Lots of them.  I have to talk to my kids about this at some point and this is a terrible thing to have to talk to them about.  He's not like you all here and I'm sorry if I offended you.  I was offended when I was told I was too wrapped up in trying to control what he does.  He has a mind of his own and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I tried to suggest to him some systematic enzyme treatment that seems to be healing my fibroid and my lymphedema, but he shot it down before I finished my sentence.  I'm his X wife and I'm still the only one he has to call for help, so I help him whether I want to or not because he's the father of my kids. 

        I'm just trying to get some information.  I'm trying to find out what happens if someone just does nothing.  I assume you all have researched it and know what COULD happen, so as to avoid it.  I certainly did when I was ill.  That's all I'm asking.

        • November 7, 2012 at 8:56 pm
        DeniseK
        Participant
        Alls I gotta say about some of these comments are.. WOW!! I mean really, since my diagnosis I’ve become more passionate about life and other people. I wouldn’t think about attacking someone who is reaching out for help in a dire situation. Just saying!!
        Anywho, as to your question about how long, its not something that can be predicted given the circumstances. You don’t even know if he’s telling the truth. But say he is, there are a lot of variables that could give him months or years.
        • November 7, 2012 at 9:22 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        I talked to my X this morning and he's a lot more calm.  He said the lymph nodes are involved and he feels it's going to just keep coming back.  I mentioned to him some of the treatment options and that if he wants to heal himself from this, he's going to have to confront his demons and fight like hell.  He said he doesn't know if he's up to it.  I'm starting to think he's being truthful this time.  I'm a 'do' first and 'feel' later person, so I like to see what needs doing first.

        My X has no passion for life and that's the problem.  I'm really not a cold person at all — quite the opposite, but I'm also not someone who is going to try and push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  I can't fix his misery.  Kudos to the above-person who has more passion for life and other people.  I can relate. 

        He told me first that he was given 6 months to 18 months and then said probably a year and then said he didn't know. He doesn't have any insurance at the end of this month and the idea of going on public assistance for his medical treatment is something he won't do.  He's a grown-up and can decide for himself.  This is why I was trying to get an idea what happens if someone does nothing.  None of you are in that situation, obviously, or you wouldn't be on a forum.

        I'm getting that the answer is 'it depends' and 'there's no way to tell.'  I also had wanted to know what to expect because his family is useless as far as helping him, and he doesn't really have any friends.  I find it frustrating what he has done with and to his life, but I can't change it.  Not possible.  I'm a generally optimistic person, but he has a way of sucking that right out.

        • November 7, 2012 at 9:22 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        I talked to my X this morning and he's a lot more calm.  He said the lymph nodes are involved and he feels it's going to just keep coming back.  I mentioned to him some of the treatment options and that if he wants to heal himself from this, he's going to have to confront his demons and fight like hell.  He said he doesn't know if he's up to it.  I'm starting to think he's being truthful this time.  I'm a 'do' first and 'feel' later person, so I like to see what needs doing first.

        My X has no passion for life and that's the problem.  I'm really not a cold person at all — quite the opposite, but I'm also not someone who is going to try and push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  I can't fix his misery.  Kudos to the above-person who has more passion for life and other people.  I can relate. 

        He told me first that he was given 6 months to 18 months and then said probably a year and then said he didn't know. He doesn't have any insurance at the end of this month and the idea of going on public assistance for his medical treatment is something he won't do.  He's a grown-up and can decide for himself.  This is why I was trying to get an idea what happens if someone does nothing.  None of you are in that situation, obviously, or you wouldn't be on a forum.

        I'm getting that the answer is 'it depends' and 'there's no way to tell.'  I also had wanted to know what to expect because his family is useless as far as helping him, and he doesn't really have any friends.  I find it frustrating what he has done with and to his life, but I can't change it.  Not possible.  I'm a generally optimistic person, but he has a way of sucking that right out.

        • November 7, 2012 at 9:22 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        I talked to my X this morning and he's a lot more calm.  He said the lymph nodes are involved and he feels it's going to just keep coming back.  I mentioned to him some of the treatment options and that if he wants to heal himself from this, he's going to have to confront his demons and fight like hell.  He said he doesn't know if he's up to it.  I'm starting to think he's being truthful this time.  I'm a 'do' first and 'feel' later person, so I like to see what needs doing first.

        My X has no passion for life and that's the problem.  I'm really not a cold person at all — quite the opposite, but I'm also not someone who is going to try and push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  I can't fix his misery.  Kudos to the above-person who has more passion for life and other people.  I can relate. 

        He told me first that he was given 6 months to 18 months and then said probably a year and then said he didn't know. He doesn't have any insurance at the end of this month and the idea of going on public assistance for his medical treatment is something he won't do.  He's a grown-up and can decide for himself.  This is why I was trying to get an idea what happens if someone does nothing.  None of you are in that situation, obviously, or you wouldn't be on a forum.

        I'm getting that the answer is 'it depends' and 'there's no way to tell.'  I also had wanted to know what to expect because his family is useless as far as helping him, and he doesn't really have any friends.  I find it frustrating what he has done with and to his life, but I can't change it.  Not possible.  I'm a generally optimistic person, but he has a way of sucking that right out.

        • November 7, 2012 at 8:56 pm
        DeniseK
        Participant
        Alls I gotta say about some of these comments are.. WOW!! I mean really, since my diagnosis I’ve become more passionate about life and other people. I wouldn’t think about attacking someone who is reaching out for help in a dire situation. Just saying!!
        Anywho, as to your question about how long, its not something that can be predicted given the circumstances. You don’t even know if he’s telling the truth. But say he is, there are a lot of variables that could give him months or years.
        • November 7, 2012 at 8:56 pm
        DeniseK
        Participant
        Alls I gotta say about some of these comments are.. WOW!! I mean really, since my diagnosis I’ve become more passionate about life and other people. I wouldn’t think about attacking someone who is reaching out for help in a dire situation. Just saying!!
        Anywho, as to your question about how long, its not something that can be predicted given the circumstances. You don’t even know if he’s telling the truth. But say he is, there are a lot of variables that could give him months or years.
        • November 7, 2012 at 5:36 am
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  No, I'm not trying to be harsh.  The post above the one I responded to said that I was getting too wrapped up in trying to help him and control him. I'm not.  This is a group of people who are fighting for their lives and have a reason to live.  I have been there myself.  I had Hodgkins Lymphoma 18+ years ago and I was the sickest person Stanford had ever had with it and they specialize in it.  I was walking death.  However, I did everything I could to fight my way back to health.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I won.

        If my X was the least bit interested in living and trying to survive, I'd support him.  You don't know him.  He gave up on life long before the diagnosis and has not only been totally miserable for the last 7 years, but has made mine and our children's lives miserable as well.

        I was asking because he lies a lot.  He has lied about heart attacks, strokes and many other ailments over the last 5 years.  All lies.  He lied about the cancer being gone and he has lied about so many things that I'm trying to get my facts straight. 

        He just lost his job because of his alcoholism and missed work.  He has no insurance as of the end of this month.  He continues to drink and has no interest in getting better.  He has life insurance that has an expiration date (which he also lied about) and he wants to take care of his kids, but he certainly doesn't want to go any sooner than necessary.  It's difficult and complicated.  I don't want to alarm the kids that their dad may not be around if he's over-stating it. 

        For those of you fighting cancer, I have total confidence that you can beat anything you set your mind to. I don't know much about melanoma.  Other kinds of cancer, I can suggest a ton of alternative additional treatments, but for this one, I don't know.  I assume that those of you here are taking or helping with someone who is taking treatments, probably doing meditation, affirmations, herbal supplements, body cleanses, etc.  He's not.  That's why I'm asking.  You all have a wonderful shot at kicking this cancer's butt.  He doesn't.  He has said he has no interest in living and there's nothing I can do about that.

        And yes, there are legal, financial and emotional considerations.  Lots of them.  I have to talk to my kids about this at some point and this is a terrible thing to have to talk to them about.  He's not like you all here and I'm sorry if I offended you.  I was offended when I was told I was too wrapped up in trying to control what he does.  He has a mind of his own and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I tried to suggest to him some systematic enzyme treatment that seems to be healing my fibroid and my lymphedema, but he shot it down before I finished my sentence.  I'm his X wife and I'm still the only one he has to call for help, so I help him whether I want to or not because he's the father of my kids. 

        I'm just trying to get some information.  I'm trying to find out what happens if someone just does nothing.  I assume you all have researched it and know what COULD happen, so as to avoid it.  I certainly did when I was ill.  That's all I'm asking.

        • November 7, 2012 at 5:36 am
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  No, I'm not trying to be harsh.  The post above the one I responded to said that I was getting too wrapped up in trying to help him and control him. I'm not.  This is a group of people who are fighting for their lives and have a reason to live.  I have been there myself.  I had Hodgkins Lymphoma 18+ years ago and I was the sickest person Stanford had ever had with it and they specialize in it.  I was walking death.  However, I did everything I could to fight my way back to health.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I won.

        If my X was the least bit interested in living and trying to survive, I'd support him.  You don't know him.  He gave up on life long before the diagnosis and has not only been totally miserable for the last 7 years, but has made mine and our children's lives miserable as well.

        I was asking because he lies a lot.  He has lied about heart attacks, strokes and many other ailments over the last 5 years.  All lies.  He lied about the cancer being gone and he has lied about so many things that I'm trying to get my facts straight. 

        He just lost his job because of his alcoholism and missed work.  He has no insurance as of the end of this month.  He continues to drink and has no interest in getting better.  He has life insurance that has an expiration date (which he also lied about) and he wants to take care of his kids, but he certainly doesn't want to go any sooner than necessary.  It's difficult and complicated.  I don't want to alarm the kids that their dad may not be around if he's over-stating it. 

        For those of you fighting cancer, I have total confidence that you can beat anything you set your mind to. I don't know much about melanoma.  Other kinds of cancer, I can suggest a ton of alternative additional treatments, but for this one, I don't know.  I assume that those of you here are taking or helping with someone who is taking treatments, probably doing meditation, affirmations, herbal supplements, body cleanses, etc.  He's not.  That's why I'm asking.  You all have a wonderful shot at kicking this cancer's butt.  He doesn't.  He has said he has no interest in living and there's nothing I can do about that.

        And yes, there are legal, financial and emotional considerations.  Lots of them.  I have to talk to my kids about this at some point and this is a terrible thing to have to talk to them about.  He's not like you all here and I'm sorry if I offended you.  I was offended when I was told I was too wrapped up in trying to control what he does.  He has a mind of his own and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I tried to suggest to him some systematic enzyme treatment that seems to be healing my fibroid and my lymphedema, but he shot it down before I finished my sentence.  I'm his X wife and I'm still the only one he has to call for help, so I help him whether I want to or not because he's the father of my kids. 

        I'm just trying to get some information.  I'm trying to find out what happens if someone just does nothing.  I assume you all have researched it and know what COULD happen, so as to avoid it.  I certainly did when I was ill.  That's all I'm asking.

        • November 7, 2012 at 3:40 am
        POW
        Participant

        Hey, Anon, I think you're being a little too harsh. I suspect that the first question everyone who is diagnosed with a late-stage cancer asks is, "How long have I got?" Those of us here who have MM or who care for loved ones with MM have learned that there is really no accurate answer to that question. But it's still a natural and important question to ask. There are many, many issues– medical, legal, financial, and emotional– that become more or less important/urgent if the prognosis is 3-6 weeks versus 12+ months. I don't think the OP is cold; I think she's just trying to understand the situation so she can get her head around it. Go easy…

        • November 7, 2012 at 3:40 am
        POW
        Participant

        Hey, Anon, I think you're being a little too harsh. I suspect that the first question everyone who is diagnosed with a late-stage cancer asks is, "How long have I got?" Those of us here who have MM or who care for loved ones with MM have learned that there is really no accurate answer to that question. But it's still a natural and important question to ask. There are many, many issues– medical, legal, financial, and emotional– that become more or less important/urgent if the prognosis is 3-6 weeks versus 12+ months. I don't think the OP is cold; I think she's just trying to understand the situation so she can get her head around it. Go easy…

        • November 7, 2012 at 2:22 am
        DebbieH
        Participant

        Wow.  I read and reread your posts and still can't believe it.  This guy is in bad shape and your overriding question is WHEN WILL HE DIE – you NEED to know when he will die and you are asking a room full of melanoma patients to guess the number of months.  Yeah, his prognosis given what you say are his circumstances is bad.  A lot of people like him would like sympathy and would get it.  How old are these kids who need to know ahead of time what kind of time their father has.  Evidently they aren't your kids or you wouldn't have to be asking him how they're doing, you would know.

        I'm tired tonight and reading this just makes me sad for this man – whatever he did.  You say you don't mean to sound cold but go back and read these two posts and you'll see you sound much worse than cold.  I have to say this is a very nice room of people in that the others haven't told you WE are mostly all melanoma patients and identify with other melanoma patients and we would be horrified if anyone in our life felt as you do.   

        • November 7, 2012 at 2:22 am
        DebbieH
        Participant

        Wow.  I read and reread your posts and still can't believe it.  This guy is in bad shape and your overriding question is WHEN WILL HE DIE – you NEED to know when he will die and you are asking a room full of melanoma patients to guess the number of months.  Yeah, his prognosis given what you say are his circumstances is bad.  A lot of people like him would like sympathy and would get it.  How old are these kids who need to know ahead of time what kind of time their father has.  Evidently they aren't your kids or you wouldn't have to be asking him how they're doing, you would know.

        I'm tired tonight and reading this just makes me sad for this man – whatever he did.  You say you don't mean to sound cold but go back and read these two posts and you'll see you sound much worse than cold.  I have to say this is a very nice room of people in that the others haven't told you WE are mostly all melanoma patients and identify with other melanoma patients and we would be horrified if anyone in our life felt as you do.   

        • November 7, 2012 at 1:12 am
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  I appreciate your insights.  I'm really not trying to control his treatment or what he does.  Basically, I need to know how soon he is likely to die.  I know him really well and I know how he is.  He does just want sympathy and he wants to be seen as noble and such.  He wants to be sure I tell the kids that he didn't give up, but he isn't doing much to help his situation.  I am pretty well resigned to the idea that this is going to kill him.  He is too.  It's his mindset.  He has no intention of changing it and I'm more than done trying to get him to change anything ever.  I was married to him for 12 years and the only thing he ever changed was he now says 'hello' when he answers the phone, instead of 'what?'  That's just about it. 

        So, since we have kids together, I need to get a timeframe on how likely this is to kill him within six months or a year.  I don't want to prepare the kids too soon, but I want to be sure they get to see him when he still has some good days.  I don't mean to sound cold about it, but I really am not trying to fix his problem. He tends to exaggerate and I don't want to get the kids worked up over another melodramatic incident.  He's had many of them that have all been hogwash, so I'm trying to get some facts to work with.

        I went through cancer myself and I know that a person has to be in the right frame of mind to be healed and has to be willing to do what needs to be done.  He isn't and he's very open about that.

        So, if he gets additional lesions that are not removed (he likely won't bother at this point, since he has given up), will that speed up his demise or does it not matter?  He had one removed two weeks ago and my guess is that he won't bother with anymore scans, since his insurance will lapse in about 3 weeks.  I'm just trying to learn what to expect. 

        I also wanted to find out if he's being truthful about his diagnosis or being dramatic to get sympathy.

        Oh, and I've tried talking about other things, like the kids and how they're doing, but I can't even get through one sentence without it turning back around and being about him.  If he starts to find himself getting cheered, he immediately ramps up the drama with heaving sobs. 

        • November 7, 2012 at 1:12 am
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  I appreciate your insights.  I'm really not trying to control his treatment or what he does.  Basically, I need to know how soon he is likely to die.  I know him really well and I know how he is.  He does just want sympathy and he wants to be seen as noble and such.  He wants to be sure I tell the kids that he didn't give up, but he isn't doing much to help his situation.  I am pretty well resigned to the idea that this is going to kill him.  He is too.  It's his mindset.  He has no intention of changing it and I'm more than done trying to get him to change anything ever.  I was married to him for 12 years and the only thing he ever changed was he now says 'hello' when he answers the phone, instead of 'what?'  That's just about it. 

        So, since we have kids together, I need to get a timeframe on how likely this is to kill him within six months or a year.  I don't want to prepare the kids too soon, but I want to be sure they get to see him when he still has some good days.  I don't mean to sound cold about it, but I really am not trying to fix his problem. He tends to exaggerate and I don't want to get the kids worked up over another melodramatic incident.  He's had many of them that have all been hogwash, so I'm trying to get some facts to work with.

        I went through cancer myself and I know that a person has to be in the right frame of mind to be healed and has to be willing to do what needs to be done.  He isn't and he's very open about that.

        So, if he gets additional lesions that are not removed (he likely won't bother at this point, since he has given up), will that speed up his demise or does it not matter?  He had one removed two weeks ago and my guess is that he won't bother with anymore scans, since his insurance will lapse in about 3 weeks.  I'm just trying to learn what to expect. 

        I also wanted to find out if he's being truthful about his diagnosis or being dramatic to get sympathy.

        Oh, and I've tried talking about other things, like the kids and how they're doing, but I can't even get through one sentence without it turning back around and being about him.  If he starts to find himself getting cheered, he immediately ramps up the drama with heaving sobs. 

        • November 7, 2012 at 12:47 am
        POW
        Participant

        My brother was diagnosed with Stage IV malignant melanoma in June. As his caregiver, the biggest lesson I've had to learn is that I can't control everything. Actually, I can't control anything! Melanoma, of course, does it's own thing and I can't control that. But also, I can't always get him the treatment I think he should have or get things done as quickly as I think they ought to be done. I can't control the medical bureaurocracy or the insurance companies. I can't even control my brother and get him to do things my way, even when I think a certain course of action would be best for him. I can offer him my advice, but the final decisions are always up to him. I have had to learn to back off and just let things be.

        It sounds to me as though you are twisting yourself into a knot trying to help your ex. However, your ex is refusing to be controlled. He continues to drink. His nutrition is probably poor. He withholds information from you and/or lies about his condition. He wants your attention and your sympathy, but he retains the right to do things his way and on his terms. You would be wise to try to extricate yourself emotionally from his drama. You can be kind and compassionate without doing all this research, or trying to get his pathology reports, or worrying about his liver enzymes. Let him and his doctors handle all that stuff.

        When you visit him (if you do) be cheerful. Talk about the kids or your job or a good movie you saw. Talk about things he might do with the kids when he's feeling better. Bring him a Get Well card. But deflect conversation away from the particulars of his case.  He's not going to let you in. He's not going to cede control to you. So don't allow yourself to get sucked in to the emotional turmoil. I know how difficult that can be and that you might feel guilty that you're not doing "as much as you can". But doing as much as you can is a fantasy– you don't have the control here. Just like I don't have control over my brother's situation.  If you are able to be kind, compassionate, and optimistic without all the emotional storms, that will be an excellent model for you to share with your children. Developing those skills themselves will help them a lot to deal with their father's illness.

        • November 7, 2012 at 12:47 am
        POW
        Participant

        My brother was diagnosed with Stage IV malignant melanoma in June. As his caregiver, the biggest lesson I've had to learn is that I can't control everything. Actually, I can't control anything! Melanoma, of course, does it's own thing and I can't control that. But also, I can't always get him the treatment I think he should have or get things done as quickly as I think they ought to be done. I can't control the medical bureaurocracy or the insurance companies. I can't even control my brother and get him to do things my way, even when I think a certain course of action would be best for him. I can offer him my advice, but the final decisions are always up to him. I have had to learn to back off and just let things be.

        It sounds to me as though you are twisting yourself into a knot trying to help your ex. However, your ex is refusing to be controlled. He continues to drink. His nutrition is probably poor. He withholds information from you and/or lies about his condition. He wants your attention and your sympathy, but he retains the right to do things his way and on his terms. You would be wise to try to extricate yourself emotionally from his drama. You can be kind and compassionate without doing all this research, or trying to get his pathology reports, or worrying about his liver enzymes. Let him and his doctors handle all that stuff.

        When you visit him (if you do) be cheerful. Talk about the kids or your job or a good movie you saw. Talk about things he might do with the kids when he's feeling better. Bring him a Get Well card. But deflect conversation away from the particulars of his case.  He's not going to let you in. He's not going to cede control to you. So don't allow yourself to get sucked in to the emotional turmoil. I know how difficult that can be and that you might feel guilty that you're not doing "as much as you can". But doing as much as you can is a fantasy– you don't have the control here. Just like I don't have control over my brother's situation.  If you are able to be kind, compassionate, and optimistic without all the emotional storms, that will be an excellent model for you to share with your children. Developing those skills themselves will help them a lot to deal with their father's illness.

        • November 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm
        DeniseK
        Participant

        So sorry to hear this.  I can only tell you what I've been going through with my recurrence and my experience with Interferon.  From what I understand Interferon is supposed to boost your immune system.  I went through only a couple weeks and had to stop due to white blood counts really low.  Really horrible stuff and makes you feel horrible. But I think it's usually given to stage 2 or 3 and not to stage 4.  I'm not completely sure about this but if he's on Interferon he may only be stage 3.  When I say only stage 3 I mean that it's not stage 4 and he shouldn't have been given a time frame for survival. I was just diagnosed stage 4 with a recurrence and no one has given me any type of time frame.  Doctors aren't always right anyway.  The first doctor I saw for my melanoma gave me an antibiotic and said it was an infection.   

         I've been kind of going through a depression as well the last couple of days with the news.  For alcoholics it might be easier to deal with by not dealing with it.  I know that people have recurred and have gone on to live for years but they didn't give up!  If you cruise around this site you will get a ton a knowledge and if I've learned anything in my journey knowledge is power!! 

        • November 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm
        DeniseK
        Participant

        So sorry to hear this.  I can only tell you what I've been going through with my recurrence and my experience with Interferon.  From what I understand Interferon is supposed to boost your immune system.  I went through only a couple weeks and had to stop due to white blood counts really low.  Really horrible stuff and makes you feel horrible. But I think it's usually given to stage 2 or 3 and not to stage 4.  I'm not completely sure about this but if he's on Interferon he may only be stage 3.  When I say only stage 3 I mean that it's not stage 4 and he shouldn't have been given a time frame for survival. I was just diagnosed stage 4 with a recurrence and no one has given me any type of time frame.  Doctors aren't always right anyway.  The first doctor I saw for my melanoma gave me an antibiotic and said it was an infection.   

         I've been kind of going through a depression as well the last couple of days with the news.  For alcoholics it might be easier to deal with by not dealing with it.  I know that people have recurred and have gone on to live for years but they didn't give up!  If you cruise around this site you will get a ton a knowledge and if I've learned anything in my journey knowledge is power!! 

        • November 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  I'll try to get the information out of him, but he's kind of a drama-addict.  When I ask specific questions, I get a lot of distraction about how his life is terrible, etc. etc.

        I don't know how long ago any of this has happened.  He tends to lie, so I just don't know.  I'll see what I can get out of him.  He has had surgery 3x and a fourth to remove lymph nodes.  And he won't stop drinking.  That much, I know.  If cancer won't get him to stop, then nothing will. 

        I thought the point of the interferon was to raise his counts. No?  I don't know that much yet.  When I had Hodgkins, the pain came from the cancer moving through the lymph nodes. 

        Thank you.

        • November 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  I'll try to get the information out of him, but he's kind of a drama-addict.  When I ask specific questions, I get a lot of distraction about how his life is terrible, etc. etc.

        I don't know how long ago any of this has happened.  He tends to lie, so I just don't know.  I'll see what I can get out of him.  He has had surgery 3x and a fourth to remove lymph nodes.  And he won't stop drinking.  That much, I know.  If cancer won't get him to stop, then nothing will. 

        I thought the point of the interferon was to raise his counts. No?  I don't know that much yet.  When I had Hodgkins, the pain came from the cancer moving through the lymph nodes. 

        Thank you.

      • November 6, 2012 at 8:26 pm
      Phil S
      Participant
      Hard to know where to begin with your situation. First of all, alcohol is an immune suppressant, so not a good thing to be abusing while fighting melanoma. Second of all, you need to know his scan results, because without that information you don’t know the real source of his low white blood cell count, and his poor liver and kidney functions. How long ago was the interferon use??, that can definitely affect his counts, etc. You need to determine where his cancer is and the source of his pain. Then, come up with treatment plan, Zelboraf if he has Braf mutation, Yervoy, clinical trials, chemos, or surgery, if an option! I completely understand that you want to prepare your children, but it’s always best to get all the facts first, it sounds like you are in a tough position. I truly wish you all the best, Valerie (Phil’s wife)
      • November 6, 2012 at 8:26 pm
      Phil S
      Participant
      Hard to know where to begin with your situation. First of all, alcohol is an immune suppressant, so not a good thing to be abusing while fighting melanoma. Second of all, you need to know his scan results, because without that information you don’t know the real source of his low white blood cell count, and his poor liver and kidney functions. How long ago was the interferon use??, that can definitely affect his counts, etc. You need to determine where his cancer is and the source of his pain. Then, come up with treatment plan, Zelboraf if he has Braf mutation, Yervoy, clinical trials, chemos, or surgery, if an option! I completely understand that you want to prepare your children, but it’s always best to get all the facts first, it sounds like you are in a tough position. I truly wish you all the best, Valerie (Phil’s wife)
      • November 7, 2012 at 9:44 pm
      Tina D
      Participant

      Obviously there are a lot of your own personal emotions here. In regards to his situation… no one would need to add any "drama" to it… melanoma that has spread is drama enough just on its own. Depending on the ages of the children…. if they are old enough to understand clearly, I would let them know, if it were me. He could indeed have a matter of months to live… I wouldn't want to wait until I was certain he was doing poorly enough to know it was imminent. If he has more time, then they'd have more time with him….

      It is unpredictable, and the prognosis can indeed be very grim. And, things can change very quickly. If they were my kiddos, I think I'd want them to know their dad may be dying ( provided they are old enough to understand at all)

      As for losing his job.. I would have NEVER been able to hold a job while on interferon, even if my very life had depended on it. 

      Just my two cents worth.

      Tina

        • November 7, 2012 at 9:57 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  That's good information. 

        My X adds drama to everything.  He has said he was dying from TIAs and has thought he had a heart attack many times, as well as seizures. Thus the drama aspect.  When he was first diagnosed, he did get support.  Then he said that he needed a second surgery because the first wasn't healing right.  If he'd been honest, he would've gotten more support.  He said it has been two years since his first surgery.  I thought it had been a year. 

        My kids are old enough to understand. I talked a bit to my older one because she's the most angry with him and will likely need more time to process his possible death. Both kids are very angry with him, so it's not like they are wanting to spend time with him.  He lives very close by, but they rarely see him.  This is because he's drunk most of the time.

        I'm not surprised he lost his job either, but for other reasons than the interferon.  That just compounds the issue.

        Ultimately, all I've wanted for him is to find peace within himself and stop drinking so he can be a happier person and be the father to my kids that they deserve to have. However, that's not likely to happen. Losing his job when he did, on top of everything else, has made it  monumentally worse.

        • November 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm
        Tina D
        Participant

        Sure sounds like a very difficult situation for you all & no easy road for any of you…  very very sad : (

        I hope the kids will be able to cope with it all… sounds like they have a lot to deal with. And, hopefully he will come to his senses and get the help he so desperately needs.

        • November 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm
        Tina D
        Participant

        Sure sounds like a very difficult situation for you all & no easy road for any of you…  very very sad : (

        I hope the kids will be able to cope with it all… sounds like they have a lot to deal with. And, hopefully he will come to his senses and get the help he so desperately needs.

        • November 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm
        Tina D
        Participant

        Sure sounds like a very difficult situation for you all & no easy road for any of you…  very very sad : (

        I hope the kids will be able to cope with it all… sounds like they have a lot to deal with. And, hopefully he will come to his senses and get the help he so desperately needs.

        • November 7, 2012 at 9:57 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  That's good information. 

        My X adds drama to everything.  He has said he was dying from TIAs and has thought he had a heart attack many times, as well as seizures. Thus the drama aspect.  When he was first diagnosed, he did get support.  Then he said that he needed a second surgery because the first wasn't healing right.  If he'd been honest, he would've gotten more support.  He said it has been two years since his first surgery.  I thought it had been a year. 

        My kids are old enough to understand. I talked a bit to my older one because she's the most angry with him and will likely need more time to process his possible death. Both kids are very angry with him, so it's not like they are wanting to spend time with him.  He lives very close by, but they rarely see him.  This is because he's drunk most of the time.

        I'm not surprised he lost his job either, but for other reasons than the interferon.  That just compounds the issue.

        Ultimately, all I've wanted for him is to find peace within himself and stop drinking so he can be a happier person and be the father to my kids that they deserve to have. However, that's not likely to happen. Losing his job when he did, on top of everything else, has made it  monumentally worse.

        • November 7, 2012 at 9:57 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you.  That's good information. 

        My X adds drama to everything.  He has said he was dying from TIAs and has thought he had a heart attack many times, as well as seizures. Thus the drama aspect.  When he was first diagnosed, he did get support.  Then he said that he needed a second surgery because the first wasn't healing right.  If he'd been honest, he would've gotten more support.  He said it has been two years since his first surgery.  I thought it had been a year. 

        My kids are old enough to understand. I talked a bit to my older one because she's the most angry with him and will likely need more time to process his possible death. Both kids are very angry with him, so it's not like they are wanting to spend time with him.  He lives very close by, but they rarely see him.  This is because he's drunk most of the time.

        I'm not surprised he lost his job either, but for other reasons than the interferon.  That just compounds the issue.

        Ultimately, all I've wanted for him is to find peace within himself and stop drinking so he can be a happier person and be the father to my kids that they deserve to have. However, that's not likely to happen. Losing his job when he did, on top of everything else, has made it  monumentally worse.

      • November 7, 2012 at 9:44 pm
      Tina D
      Participant

      Obviously there are a lot of your own personal emotions here. In regards to his situation… no one would need to add any "drama" to it… melanoma that has spread is drama enough just on its own. Depending on the ages of the children…. if they are old enough to understand clearly, I would let them know, if it were me. He could indeed have a matter of months to live… I wouldn't want to wait until I was certain he was doing poorly enough to know it was imminent. If he has more time, then they'd have more time with him….

      It is unpredictable, and the prognosis can indeed be very grim. And, things can change very quickly. If they were my kiddos, I think I'd want them to know their dad may be dying ( provided they are old enough to understand at all)

      As for losing his job.. I would have NEVER been able to hold a job while on interferon, even if my very life had depended on it. 

      Just my two cents worth.

      Tina

      • November 7, 2012 at 9:44 pm
      Tina D
      Participant

      Obviously there are a lot of your own personal emotions here. In regards to his situation… no one would need to add any "drama" to it… melanoma that has spread is drama enough just on its own. Depending on the ages of the children…. if they are old enough to understand clearly, I would let them know, if it were me. He could indeed have a matter of months to live… I wouldn't want to wait until I was certain he was doing poorly enough to know it was imminent. If he has more time, then they'd have more time with him….

      It is unpredictable, and the prognosis can indeed be very grim. And, things can change very quickly. If they were my kiddos, I think I'd want them to know their dad may be dying ( provided they are old enough to understand at all)

      As for losing his job.. I would have NEVER been able to hold a job while on interferon, even if my very life had depended on it. 

      Just my two cents worth.

      Tina

      • November 7, 2012 at 10:38 pm
      lhaley
      Participant

      The one thing you could do for your X is while he has health insurance to look into cobra or any other type of insurance. Once he has lost his health insurance he probably won't be able to get any.  Treatments for melanoma are extremly expensive. An example for Zelboraf is approx 10,000 a month.  

        • November 7, 2012 at 11:44 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Wowza!  That's ridiculous!  I'll mention cobra to him, but he also has no money because he lost his job.  No unemployment is likely and he has blown all of his money on alcohol and distractions of the moment.  It's such a weird feeling.  When I was diagnosed, I was shocked (of course), but I knew I'd kick it eventually.  I've never met anyone who was so resigned.  His situation is dire to the point where I don't think he could've engineered it better if he'd written it out ahead of time.

        • November 7, 2012 at 11:44 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Wowza!  That's ridiculous!  I'll mention cobra to him, but he also has no money because he lost his job.  No unemployment is likely and he has blown all of his money on alcohol and distractions of the moment.  It's such a weird feeling.  When I was diagnosed, I was shocked (of course), but I knew I'd kick it eventually.  I've never met anyone who was so resigned.  His situation is dire to the point where I don't think he could've engineered it better if he'd written it out ahead of time.

        • November 7, 2012 at 11:44 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Wowza!  That's ridiculous!  I'll mention cobra to him, but he also has no money because he lost his job.  No unemployment is likely and he has blown all of his money on alcohol and distractions of the moment.  It's such a weird feeling.  When I was diagnosed, I was shocked (of course), but I knew I'd kick it eventually.  I've never met anyone who was so resigned.  His situation is dire to the point where I don't think he could've engineered it better if he'd written it out ahead of time.

      • November 7, 2012 at 10:38 pm
      lhaley
      Participant

      The one thing you could do for your X is while he has health insurance to look into cobra or any other type of insurance. Once he has lost his health insurance he probably won't be able to get any.  Treatments for melanoma are extremly expensive. An example for Zelboraf is approx 10,000 a month.  

      • November 7, 2012 at 10:38 pm
      lhaley
      Participant

      The one thing you could do for your X is while he has health insurance to look into cobra or any other type of insurance. Once he has lost his health insurance he probably won't be able to get any.  Treatments for melanoma are extremly expensive. An example for Zelboraf is approx 10,000 a month.  

      • February 19, 2013 at 2:20 pm
      DonJ
      Participant

       I certainly don't have all the answers, for if I did my 28 yeard old Daughter would be with us today.  She battled melanoma for four years, enduring treatments and trials up and down the East coast, to no avail.  Anyway, there are numerous trials for Stage IV, but they are a long way from showing any substantial results.  Here is a link that has hundreds of trails, most of which will not be pertinent.  Best wishes from the members of a fraternity that did not choose to become members.

       http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/results?term=melanoma

       

        

      • February 19, 2013 at 2:20 pm
      DonJ
      Participant

       I certainly don't have all the answers, for if I did my 28 yeard old Daughter would be with us today.  She battled melanoma for four years, enduring treatments and trials up and down the East coast, to no avail.  Anyway, there are numerous trials for Stage IV, but they are a long way from showing any substantial results.  Here is a link that has hundreds of trails, most of which will not be pertinent.  Best wishes from the members of a fraternity that did not choose to become members.

       http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/results?term=melanoma

       

        

      • February 19, 2013 at 2:20 pm
      DonJ
      Participant

       I certainly don't have all the answers, for if I did my 28 yeard old Daughter would be with us today.  She battled melanoma for four years, enduring treatments and trials up and down the East coast, to no avail.  Anyway, there are numerous trials for Stage IV, but they are a long way from showing any substantial results.  Here is a link that has hundreds of trails, most of which will not be pertinent.  Best wishes from the members of a fraternity that did not choose to become members.

       http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/results?term=melanoma

       

        

        • February 19, 2013 at 3:27 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your daughter.

         

        As it turns out, and this would explain my initial posts a bit, my x lied about the whole thing.  I went to his doctor to get a hospice referral because, according to him, he was 'circling the drain'.  The doctor thought I was nuts.  My X did intially have melanoma, had surgery and they got it all.  He has had clean reports ever since. 

        It was never in his lymph nodes, nor did he have interferon.  He just told everyone that to explain his drunken absences from work.  He wanted sympathy and attention from everyone and was using the lie so people would all feel sorry for him and perhaps looks past the rest of his horrid behavior.

        He sent me a suicide text and email late at night and when I received them and went down there to see what was up, he was fine.  When asked about it, he said, "Oh, I tried.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning."  He looked better than usual.

        When our daughter expressed her anger, he threatened to write her out of his non-existent will and give everything to her brother.  He had gone so far as to give me medical power of attorney, have me do his banking, etc.  My daughter and I went to his house, cleaned his bowls of vomit, and made the place less disgusting to make him feel better.  I was giving my daughter a talk about how important it is to help people when they need it, even if they don't necessarily deserve it — and then I found out he lied. 

        He had told his family, friends and co-workers.  He went all out.  I was really angry when I found out, but for him, it's just another one of those 'things that he's done.'  Sadly, his oldest brother died abruptly from a heart attack about 6 weeks later.

        He still doesn't quite get it why the kids don't want to speak to him and why we aren't 'over it' already.  I had thought a few of the things he said sounded fishy, but I didn't know enough about melanoma to know for sure.  Faking illness for sympathy is an insult to those who genuinely are ill or are loving someone who is ill.

        Sorry to have bothered you all with what turned out to be a tall tale.

        • February 19, 2013 at 3:27 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your daughter.

         

        As it turns out, and this would explain my initial posts a bit, my x lied about the whole thing.  I went to his doctor to get a hospice referral because, according to him, he was 'circling the drain'.  The doctor thought I was nuts.  My X did intially have melanoma, had surgery and they got it all.  He has had clean reports ever since. 

        It was never in his lymph nodes, nor did he have interferon.  He just told everyone that to explain his drunken absences from work.  He wanted sympathy and attention from everyone and was using the lie so people would all feel sorry for him and perhaps looks past the rest of his horrid behavior.

        He sent me a suicide text and email late at night and when I received them and went down there to see what was up, he was fine.  When asked about it, he said, "Oh, I tried.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning."  He looked better than usual.

        When our daughter expressed her anger, he threatened to write her out of his non-existent will and give everything to her brother.  He had gone so far as to give me medical power of attorney, have me do his banking, etc.  My daughter and I went to his house, cleaned his bowls of vomit, and made the place less disgusting to make him feel better.  I was giving my daughter a talk about how important it is to help people when they need it, even if they don't necessarily deserve it — and then I found out he lied. 

        He had told his family, friends and co-workers.  He went all out.  I was really angry when I found out, but for him, it's just another one of those 'things that he's done.'  Sadly, his oldest brother died abruptly from a heart attack about 6 weeks later.

        He still doesn't quite get it why the kids don't want to speak to him and why we aren't 'over it' already.  I had thought a few of the things he said sounded fishy, but I didn't know enough about melanoma to know for sure.  Faking illness for sympathy is an insult to those who genuinely are ill or are loving someone who is ill.

        Sorry to have bothered you all with what turned out to be a tall tale.

        • February 19, 2013 at 3:27 pm
        kenpochick
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your daughter.

         

        As it turns out, and this would explain my initial posts a bit, my x lied about the whole thing.  I went to his doctor to get a hospice referral because, according to him, he was 'circling the drain'.  The doctor thought I was nuts.  My X did intially have melanoma, had surgery and they got it all.  He has had clean reports ever since. 

        It was never in his lymph nodes, nor did he have interferon.  He just told everyone that to explain his drunken absences from work.  He wanted sympathy and attention from everyone and was using the lie so people would all feel sorry for him and perhaps looks past the rest of his horrid behavior.

        He sent me a suicide text and email late at night and when I received them and went down there to see what was up, he was fine.  When asked about it, he said, "Oh, I tried.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning."  He looked better than usual.

        When our daughter expressed her anger, he threatened to write her out of his non-existent will and give everything to her brother.  He had gone so far as to give me medical power of attorney, have me do his banking, etc.  My daughter and I went to his house, cleaned his bowls of vomit, and made the place less disgusting to make him feel better.  I was giving my daughter a talk about how important it is to help people when they need it, even if they don't necessarily deserve it — and then I found out he lied. 

        He had told his family, friends and co-workers.  He went all out.  I was really angry when I found out, but for him, it's just another one of those 'things that he's done.'  Sadly, his oldest brother died abruptly from a heart attack about 6 weeks later.

        He still doesn't quite get it why the kids don't want to speak to him and why we aren't 'over it' already.  I had thought a few of the things he said sounded fishy, but I didn't know enough about melanoma to know for sure.  Faking illness for sympathy is an insult to those who genuinely are ill or are loving someone who is ill.

        Sorry to have bothered you all with what turned out to be a tall tale.

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